The Parodox of Lonely Nights

I think the need to be hugged, held, kissed, just plain touched is a very natural one. When one is in a relationship on the outside, these are usually not strange or restricted requests. For those of us who have a loved one in prison, physical touch and a desire for plain old familiar company, can be the greatest source of loneliness. I often sift through forums dedicated to the loved ones of inmates, and the common thread I see is women missing their husband/boyfriend's touch, the sensation of being held in his arms at night while the rain splashes against the window panes. Or how about cuddling on the couch during a movie or watching a TV show, talking late into the night side by side. Isaac and I did not have an extended period of time together when we first met and before he went to jail. We only experienced this type of casual intimacy on a handful of occasions, but oh do I remember the feeling of him holding me at night. Tonight I miss him so very much. In fact the past few weeks have felt tortuous to me. My mind repeatedly wonders back to the notion that I am physically alone out here. I am separated by metal and stone and granite and bricks from the one I love and the one who brings me a sense of peace and comfort.

Some have never had the privilege of being touched by their man, and some will never have it again. Women who met their significant other while he was incarcerated usually do not get that first hug or kiss until approved for visits, and only a handful of states have family visits aka conjugal visits, so intimacy of any kind is very limited. Those whose guys are serving life, may never be able to freely touch them again, be enveloped uninhibited in their arms again. I understand this is prison, not summer camp. I understand these men are reaping the consequences of their actions, of their choices, but the question often is, is it right to dictate the need for touch, for a physical connection? I speak of lonely nights, because this is the time of day I miss Isaac the most. With the fall of darkness, brings out fears, negative thoughts, despair, hopelessness and all I want at times is his shoulder to cry on. I suffer from insomnia and sometimes lay awake pondering life, our relationship, the stress of tomorrow, the downfalls of yesterday. I feel like I need to be soothed. To be calmed into sleep.

Many choose to deal with these lonely nights in a more constructive, positive manner than I at times. Some women will keep a body pillow on hand, or wedge the comforter between themselves and the other side of the bed. Others will listen to their guy's favorite music, look at his pictures or re read his letters before bed to soothe their inner turmoil. Yet others have the privilege of having children with their mate and will often snuggle up with them at night to lull everyone to sleep.

Let's not forget the pervasive loneliness that Isaac must feel every night, all night. He is separated from me just as much as I am separated from him. He not only has a void, yet as mentioned must dwell in a place of figurative darkness for many of his days. Crowded amongst thousands he remains alone, and that fact, that notion is what keeps me awake at night, alone and lonely.