I try to stay positive and patient, etc... but at the moment am feeling very frustrated, anxious, a little angry. I am still reeling from the after visit blues, but trying to remain upbeat. I forced myself out of the house earlier to get some coffee and go run some errands. I mailed off a giant letters and a stack of pictures to Isaac. I contemplated things such as cleaning, combing my hair...I'm kidding...but kind of not! I even threw on a DVD to pass the time and get my mind off of the thoughts running through my head. I have been so damn hard on myself all day. It started out with being mad at myself for not mustering up the stamina to exercise. It doesn't matter that it is 100 degrees outside, so I beat myself up for that over and over again. I avoided going to the post office because I did not feel in the mood to get the knowing look of pity: ("she is with an inmate") stare. What the hell? Sometimes I don't even feel like a human being. I am sick of feeling judged, I am sick of feeling alone, I am sick of having my love life delineated, I am sick of hating on myself for doing the wrong things or not trying hard enough, I am just sick of feeling.
For example, in my eager quest to eat better, I ended up not eating enough and found myself barely able to stand in the kitchen, my hands profusely shaking. Indeed I had low blood sugar and then proceeded to scarf down three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, just to curb the edge. Of course after that I felt like shit again! I continued to feel like crap for the next 3 hours, still shaky and sick to my stomach, so now I am both beating myself up for not eating AND for eating. Oh let me add during this I pondered what else I could eat, but why I shouldn't the whole time and then broke down and went to the grocery store all under the guise of "raising my blood sugar." Alas I have chicken baking in the oven and am about to make some mashed potatoes. I want to smack myself for feeling so weak! You may wonder at this point if my rant has any thing at all to do with Isaac and his incarceration. In a way it doesn't and in a way it does. My life can be so cyclical at times. I eat often to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings, to numb out the pain of my life, to punish myself, to reward myself, etc...I have been feeling down since our recent visit, and try as I may to get out of that pit of despair, it has been weighing me down these past few days.
Honestly I kept thinking "oh I can just eat something and I will feel better" and then I had to remind myself that I was supposed to be eating healthier, or if I want to really be honest with myself starving my body on purpose, even with the danger that poses due to my being diabetic. I am frustrated because I struggled with an eating disorder for so long (as you may have inferred) and had worked very hard to try and curb those behaviors, only to be reeking havoc on my body by not eating on insulin and two other glucose medicines! That is a recipe for disaster. I know this. I think about how Isaac would be so angry to know how I had been messing with serious health risks, but the only thing left in my mind is the fact that my healthy living attempts stalled a month ago and I have gain 10 lbs back! I feel panicked, at the brink of disaster, missing him, angry at him for not being here to comfort me, mad at myself for being mad at a lifestyle that I actively choose daily (being with Isaac and my poor eating habits)! Sometimes it feels like I have so much control and sometimes it feels like I have none. The older I get the worse it gets and suddenly I see myself seriously ill before I have truly experienced all life has to offer.
It is almost like when you are a prison girlfriend (as with any other stressful situation), that you let the stress pile up in order to meet needs and expectations, but honestly, I don't feel like I am meeting squat! I let him down, my family, my friends, MYSELF, heck even my community and society, let's throw those in while I am having this pity party. Perhaps they see my efforts dealing with AND loving a man who is incarcerated as foolish and a waste of needed energy. Energy that could be used on bettering my health and my well being, but honestly I AM probably the most likely to use that as an excuse because I do not want to deal with these demons, this ineptitude, this fumbling at life.
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