Meet the Parents

Today Isaac met my mother for the first time. Well actually it is the second time, but the first time was a quick 30 second hello in the county jail, so I consider this their first true meeting. We had a two hour contact visit (no barrier dividing the inmate from their loved one), and I am happy to say that it turned out pleasantly well!

Isaac was so nervous, he had waited for the day he could sit down with my mother and talk to her about his feelings for me, his ideas for personal growth and change, and the respect he has for her as a person and a mother. He feared the conversation would lull or that he would say the wrong thing or that she would not like him. All his fears were squelched. My mother loved him! She knows he has hurt me in the past, she recognizes that he has made a lot of mistakes, that our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, and that we are still working hard to find a balance. She sees him as human, a person trying to turn around his dysfunctional life, an unfinished art work, trying to find a different path. I appreciated her willingness to do that, to put herself out there, walk into a maximum security prison to meet the man I love, to hug him tightly, to tell him that she is proud of him and that he is worth something. That means the world to me. So we laughed, we did cry a little, we had some cokes and M & M's (I personally sampled the strawberry cheese danish, a tad sweet if I do say so myself), my mother looked amused on as Isaac planted a large kiss on me, and I think a bond was formed.

Isaac's nervousness dissipated because he realized that my mother would not judge him. He had things he wanted to say, he even apologized to her for the way he had treated me in the past with a sincerity that brought tears to my eyes. He talked about how saying no to trouble, drugs illegal activity, has started feeling better than the rush of getting high or breaking the law. He is changing. He surely is. Just saying that was a huge step for him because he has lived within the bounds of extreme impulsivity for a long time. My mother hugged Isaac tightly before we left waving to him as we went. I blew a kiss his way and he smiled that impish grin of his. I love that man, oh do I. He put himself out there, made himself vulnerable to the most important woman in my life. For that I salute him. He needs to know that people are rooting for him. His family loves him and cares, but have seen him do the same thing over and over again. It is natural to lose a bit of hope. I think my mother provided him with the desire to try harder, her belief in him renewed something or strengthened a desire to continue down the improved path he has been following. Isaac is a good man, who is living the consequences of a very messed up life fraught with bad choices as well as impenetrable circumstances. I try to breathe and recognize that this journey can only be taken a day at a time if I want to preserve my sanity. I felt the usual emptiness and sadness that are so pervasive when I leave the visiting area. The second my hand leaves his I feel lost. I try to go on with my day, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. The countdown begins until he can wrap me in a bear hug again, and until I can have that necessary reminder of why I chose this life.