A New Day, A Worse Day

I am sitting here at Panera Bread eating my favorite cinnamon crunch bagel with hazelnut cream cheese and you know what I am absolutely miserable. Oh and right next to me, two older women are discussing with exasperation the woes of a relative with legal troubles. "How could anyone get involved in a situation like that?" One of the ladies does have a small sense of compassion in her voice. People don't realize how visible the loved ones of the incarcerated are. We are everywhere! I wish we weren't, but the support from those who are open is priceless for many.

So I am sitting here munching on my bagel and eavesdropping just a little. Only bits and pieces are audible. The only thing apparent is that this predicament causes one of these ladies pain. I return to my pain, my loathing. I constantly search for it's source. What hurts so horribly? I remind myself of my mantra: " I choose this life," every day, every hour, I make this journey a decision.

But what of our choice to love and is it so much a choice or a need? I need clothes, food shelter, but love, will I perish without it? I am unsure but have images of babies who fail to thrive because of a lack of touch. Sometimes I feel like that baby. I need love, but how I need it and how I know if it is enough is beyond me currently. Many people say we do not choose who we love, who the other half of our soul belongs to. Maybe we don't choose, but we choose whether to have this lover, this person as a part of our lives.

I hear about a large amount of women who love incarcerated men and who swear by the notion that this is the only person for them, that regardless of a 20 year sentence, they will wait. I do not judge these women either way. I am brought back to my love for Isaac, and how I would move the world for him, how I loved him since the day I met him, how our love seems to have a passion I have never known. I think about how regardless of my pain from the loss of him, I continue to stand by his side. Yes at this moment in Panera Bread, I am absolutely miserable. I am in love, I am torn by that love, and I am miserable. My legs continue to walk though, my heart still beats, I still can picture only him in my life. I feel lonely but I feel loved.