Accepting Less Than Perfection

I have been fighting the poor self-image battle for the majority of my life. In my eyes, my worth was always directly related to the intricacies of my body, my accomplishments, my failures. Isaac says he loves me the way I am. As most know, this is a classic phrase, cliche in nature, but well meant by many. Honestly the first 100 times he said this to me, I brushed it off, not even letting a "thank you" escape my lips. It was always a "yah whatever" and then a swift switch of topic. What I didn't realize at the time, was that this technique of ignoring Isaac's statement, so closely related to our relationship and our love, was hurting his feelings. To him it felt like I was completely disregarding the authenticity of his feelings..and I was. I just felt like Isaac did not grasp the extent of this battle I fight every day. Now I have learned to grit my teeth and simply say "thank you," although in my mind that self-loathing demon is saying "he could never really love you for you."

With that being said, I still grasp at perfection. I think that if somehow I can accomplish all that I want to, if I can look a certain way, if I can grasp at dreams and desires and pull them from the sky into my eager hands, that I will have reached the promise land. In the beginning of my relationship with Isaac, my extreme lack of self-esteem was shining bright. Every single letter I wrote him was some sort of cut down, insult to myself, feeling of inadequacy. He put up with every single comment, every lavish description of why he would not want me anymore. Honestly I think Issac put up with my nonsense in the beginning because he was scared of upsetting me by simply telling me to hush. As time passed in this incarceration, he began to more freely express his feelings of distaste with my self-hatred. He told me that he never understood why I always beat myself up, and that I needed to understand that he liked what he saw, he loved the person I have always been, and that it was basically driving him up the wall. I would rant and rave about the appearance of my stomach, and he would simply say "I like it." But of course here came my counter argument, my desperate pleas at proving him wrong.

The age old debate for prison girlfriends is the "is he using me?" thought. In my amateur experience, this is definitely a trend amongst incarcerated men. For whatever reason (money, loneliness, connections to the outside world) these individuals will start "jail talking" a woman, giving them all sorts of compliments, making promises, professing love. In defense of some of these men, there are also many who simply care for their loved one and want to maintain the relationship, connection, etc...I did not know Isaac well before he became incarcerated. We dabbled in seeing each other. This fear of being used, it permeated my being in our beginning days of this journey. Isaac has a sordid past full of numerous dysfunctional relationships, manipulation, and lies. I sensed this before I even fully understood this. I was deathly afraid of being hurt by him again and being hurt in general. I did not believe in the power of change. I had such low self-confidence that I did not think he could actually want anything to do with me in a genuine manner. He has continued to prove me wrong.

  Now some of you may be saying at this point, "is she for real?" "Is there a point to despising yourself this much?" I do not know the point yet, perhaps it is a mechanism for avoiding life and the potential to act without fear. Regardless it is a struggle that is recognized and familiar to many. Prison and jail leave a doubt in many a woman's head that perhaps they are only enough if they are giving a man money, or writing him, giving him attention with visits,etc...that if he was not incarcerated he would have left a long time ago. These thoughts haunt many women daily, they perplex a number of us, leaving us wondering how some men can be so manipulative so cruel. I hear stories of women standing by there men for YEARS, only to be left the minute he walks out of those prison gates. The reality of the situation is that this can happen. You know what else can happen that gets much less recognition? A man can love a woman and a woman can love a man regardless of the bars and steel and walls separating them.A woman can be just as good and worthy as the man she cares for and stands by, she can have self-confidence, she can have a life, she can be attractive, and she can be loved. Through the months that have turned into years, I think women know in their hearts why their man is with them. It does not always make sense, and having a low self-worth can make this battle ten times worse. One's insecurities rule one's life, but I know this: I look into Isaac's eyes and see a love that goes beyond my stomach, my mishaps, my failures and fits perfectly, pushing away the shadow of my hatred.