Strange Sensations

I have been thinking a lot lately about my husband coming home. I dream about it, I fantasize about when he will be free of the walls of prison. It hurts in my gut right now, the missing him. I feel peculiar, as though I have an itch I can't scratch, yet extremely sad and excited at the same time. He is almost under the 2 year mark, less with time cuts, and I am left scattered and wondering how I will get everything set up for him to come home.

I worry a lot, if you haven't guessed. I worry that we won't be able to find a place to live that will be ok with a felon. I worry about money and how tight it will be with court costs, etc...Should I be embracing this strange feeling of excitement or drown in the what ifs? I have been waiting a long time to see an end in sight. I want that end to turn out well. There is a fine line between catastophizing and thinking ahead.

This is my constant battle. I fight it night and day. I am sick of fighting it. It's like my husband has been gone so long, I forget what he was like in the free world. I have almost forgotten what he looks like in street clothes, how it feels to lay my head on his chest, to kiss for as long as we want, for him to hold me. The closer that comes into view, honestly all I can think about and freak about is what is life going to be like married to a felon? If you have read my earlier posts, you will remember we got married since he has been in. We never lived together when he was out. We have a lot of adjustments.

I think I am just sick of a lot of shit. I am sick of changing my shirt 3 times at visitation or having guards look at me like I am a creature. I am sick of paying for phone calls and driving over 3 hours to see my husband every week. I know I know, I always come back to it. I chose this life. But when I am sitting at the staff Christmas party alone, I feel angry, when I am sick and lying in bed wishing he was here to take care of me, I feel angry. Why did he have to mess up? Why did he have to get in trouble? The present is all that I can hold onto because the past is gone. I guess that leaves the future and no matter what it holds, I made a promise a very long time ago to stand by my husband's side. I still feel passionately about that promise and even my worries will not shake that. I just need to vent every once in awhile!