Ahead and Behind

Right now feels like a very thoughtful time in my life. The seasons are changing, bringing new insights and also reopening old wounds. With every burnt orange leaf falling, with the crisp chill in the air, I miss Isaac and I miss what we lack, what we do not get to have. I feel angry at him for keeping us void of the life we want, I feel great love for him in his absence. I worry, I wonder, I am plagued with the "what if" thoughts. I ponder how my life choices concerning Isaac, and in general will affect the future, those around me, my own well being. Fall and winter always clear room for thought, intense, retrospective and introspective thought.

Last night I decided to take a look at Isaac' last mugshot. I stared at it and stared at it. I would have burned a hole through that thing if I could have with my vision. He looked so lost, so desperate, so despairing. He looked defeated in that moment and in life. It made we want to cry for hours. You see crime and incarceration, I do not take them lightly. I do not dismiss charges that Isaac has and chop them up to just "not thinking," but I know in my heart that life circumstances, the way you were reared, the choices you make,  poor self-control, hell even poor self-esteem, all lent a hand to his desire to just escape life. That mug shot clearly showed that desire, that longing to just be free of one's demons, and ironically in that quest for freedom, Isaac became shackled. Both literally and in his life.

Back to me for a moment. I said that at this moment life feels extremely thoughtful, but now also very tough. It is always tough for Isaac, whether he earned that or not. My journey has never been a walk in the park, but I have been afforded opportunities that obviously allow me a bit more comfort and safety, but together we are both feeling so emotionally barren. It is the being without each other that makes life difficult. I feel stressed right now because the bills are stacking up and the funds are oh so low. Isaac has been having some health issues and since I am not technically "family" as his fiance, then I am not privy to any information on his condition. Life is trying when all I want to to is lay down and hate or be angry or be spiteful or wallow in my hurt that he is not here to help make our life better.

Some prison wives/girlfriends are able to take the sting of bitterness out of their relationship and their thoughts around the fact that their loved one has created a disadvantaged platform for them to survive on, that monitored and costly phone calls are necessary now, that driving hours for a two hour visit must occur, that everything most would think of as a necessity now has a price. They do not blame their loved one and do not harp on the "life choices" that brought their lives to this intersection. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am wallowing, maybe the weather just makes me want to think, think, think, but I do feel anger towards Isaac. Our relationship had not blossomed before he went in. He had no obligation to remain "good" for me, nothing of the sort. I think I am angry at the dysfunctional years of his life, the perils of a sad childhood, of the molding that occurred so early on to make him believe he was not worth anything. So then I am left thinking toward the future, wondering if he will want to believe in himself, wondering if he can see a brighter future for us together, that the aftermath of his incarceration will not make life any harder than it already is. I love Isaac so very much. I want to be his wife. I want us to start again, to one day put the cold steel behind us, throw the issued jumpsuits away, lay the pen on the paper, and hey maybe take a walk under burnt orange leaves, showering our heads, signaling death before life, change for necessity, and for growth.