I apologize for being so absent from my blog for the past month! I have just been dealing with life's ups and downs and with the changing seasons, the sadness of missing my loved one. I do have some exciting news! Isaac asked me to marry him! I visited about three weeks ago and although it wasn't a huge surprise(we have talked about marriage for quite awhile), it was ever so sweet and absolutely perfect. Marriage has been a subject between us that always left me feeling torn. I love him so much and want to be his wife, but often I had concerns with how our lives will change with the vows we make. Isaac began speaking about marriage much earlier than I did and I wondered if it was just because he was incarcerated. I pondered if maybe he thought it would be a way to ensure that I would stay with him, or to ease his mind about me possibly finding someone else. You know what maybe partially that still does cross his mind, but this particular visit when I looked into his eyes filling with tears, I knew that man loved me with all his heart and would move the world for me if he could. I feel the same way. Marriage is not to be taken lightly and I freely admit that I am very limited in what the concept of marriage even means to me.
Isaac wants to get married in prison and after proposing, we started the process of applying for our wedding while he is incarcerated. Believe me I was that woman who said "hell no! I am never getting married to you while you are still inside!" I wanted a chance to really be a couple for a longer period of time in the free world before marriage, but I have been learning that life takes some interesting turns. We love each other and are well aware of the already apparent challenges of love "behind the wall." This life is so difficult as is, will marriage complicate it or create a stronger foundation? I believe it will help us grow stronger. I really do in my heart. We have come up through so much. Only time and some soul searching will tell what marriage means to us, and I plan on doing some serious thinking about how our relationship will change while we wait to finish the marriage process. This is a new step in my life, the seemingly next logical one. As my friends get married and have children on the outside, I yearn for a life that is seemingly "normal, seemingly uncomplicated." Perhaps comparison is not necessary, because standards and comparisons just lend themselves to jealousy, pity, self-loathing in the life of a prison girlfriend/fiance.Maybe this is my "next logical step" and my life is moving in the direction that it is meant to move in. Maybe I don't need to dwell in the land of wish washy any more, woman up and proclaim that I love this man, and that that love is part of my life and will manifest itself in marriage. Maybe the ring and the dress and the setting are not as important as I thought. Maybe marriage is an entity, a concept and not the sum of our childhood fantasies.
So over a delicious meal of microwavable pork nuggets and two cans of orange soda, Isaac fumbled, looked anxious and nervous, playing with my fingers as he held my hand while repeating the words "I'm so scared," he looked up at me and in the softest of voices said "will you marry me?" I was overwhelmed by emotion and began to cry, tears falling down my cheeks. I saw Isaac's eyes welling with wetness and I whispered "yes" back. I love that man and I wouldn't have the proposal any other way. So over vending machine food with Isaac wearing his signature jumpsuit and me with my make up running down my face, he made me a proud woman.
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