The Worry Wart

I am a worry wart by nature. I have rather high levels of anxiety and could probably ruin the most peaceful and relaxing situation with a worry scenario. I used to have moments of sheer panic when Isaac would not call for a number of days or I didn't get a letter. I always thought the worst, such as he was injured or had gotten in trouble, a fight, who knows, maybe decided he wanted to break up. No worry was off limits. In the VERY beginning my fears more surrounded the idea perhaps he or I would decide that this journey was too hard and that we would have to just wait till he is released to have any shot at a healthy relationship. Yes of course we still have those thoughts from time to time, but very rarely. I didn't fear for Isaac behind the walls of jail. I knew he handled himself well and had unfortunately gone through those ropes more times than I care to admit. His safety was never an issue, gangs, brutal violence, those who feel they have nothing to lose serving life without parole, or a massive sentence of some sort. All of these are what I fear for him now that he is in prison. Isaac is in maximum security unfortunately. He himself said that that was an entirely new ball game. I had worried about this idea, the idea the some individuals with long sentences feel less inclined to follow the rules or do not care as much if they do something that would get them in trouble. I do not know anything about what life is like in there! My mind is forming pictures of the worst kinds of scenarios. I have told Isaac to stay focused because he is serving a very short sentence compared to most of the men he is housed with.

I worry about Isaac constantly. I knew he had served two previous sentences prior to our meeting between the last and this most recent. Is this "old hat" to him?  In a way it is, but for some reason these days I have more fear for him and worry often about his safety, possible detrimental situations he could come across, his health, his mental health, the choices he might make. I almost feel like a mother worrying about her child. Isaac has found himself in a maximum security facility far from home. He does not know anyone in this prison. He is alone. Sometimes I cannot sleep at night wondering what is going on in there. Prison relationships are hard! Very hard. They come with an unavoidable level of stress that can wear both parties down. Our stress is different but has the same end result. I try to tell myself that nothing can be changed by me worrying or me badgering him to be careful in there.

His choices are his own and you know he is a worry wort himself. He constantly worries about me, my safety, how day to day life is going for me. The source of the worry is the same:our desire for each other's well being to be protected. For now, for today, for this moment, for always, I will trust in God to protect my baby, to keep his mind clear and strong, and for Him to ease our worry if only for a time.