Back at it!

It seems like it has been forever since I have blogged! I have been struggling (as usual) and have found myself just trying to get by and hang in there with each day. I think I have been in survival mode. I honestly just really have problems with depression and with my husband being gone. His absence is so magnified by my feelings of being down. I try every day to work on eating and living a  healthier life. My circumstances have become so muddled and magnified by health struggles, taking mass quantities of medication, always worried about the other shoe dropping and getting sick again. My husband does the best he can to motivate me from prison, but sometime it is not enough. Lately it seems like he has given up on me. He said he can only do so much and gets frustrated when I say I am going to try, but it seems like I am not. Sometimes just getting through the day is trying for me. I just wish things could be different. I know if he were here with me, he would be a great support and motivator, but it is really up to me at this point, and really should be. I have to get healthy myself and for myself. He doesn't realize how much even just his kind words of encouragement in letters mean to me.

I think just trying to get myself in order is difficult because I deal with the emotional aspect and the physical aspect CONSTANTLY. Everyone does, but the ration can be uneven sometimes for certain people. Even if I am feeling good physically, my depression tries to bring me down. Sometimes I feel so much better since Isaac has been in my life. I feel more stable, more able to handle the world, and sometimes I feel so weak, so eternally sad. Has the experience of his incarceration made my life better? Worse? No different? Don't get me wrong there is no doubt that having him in my life has changed me for the better, I just feel like maybe there has been a lot of unseen stress that has piled up these past number of years. I have dealt with it by eating too much and isolating. Part of me wants to be this outgoing bubbly person despite these circumstances, but deep down I don't know if that is who I really am. Heck I don't even know who I am or where I am headed in life and I really should know by know I feel. Ugh well I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am still here and will be posting more pertinent stuff soon! I need to to get back into the writing groove.