Antics at 1:00AM

It's 1:00am in the morning. My mind is racing and I have too much energy to sleep. Of course Isaac is on my mind. It is nearing Valentine's Day and our 1 year wedding anniversary. For some reason that is making me twice as retrospective about our life together. I'm also busy reblogging sappy love quotes on Tumblr, so that isn't helping either. It is strange to simultaneously feel so connected, so passionate about a person and to feel so disconnected from them at the same time. I feel as though I know my husband inside and out in so many ways, but at times I feel I am staring into the face of a stranger. Prison has done this. It is frozen the steps of our life, maybe even some of our relationship. It's like we know so much about each other in many categories, but he doesn't know how I like my eggs, I don't know if he likes Pepsi over Coke, little things like that that having a fully functioning relationship would allow you to know. We have never lived together as a couple. Yes Isaac has slept in my bed, yes we have eaten meals together and cuddled on the couch, but it was all such a fresh thing, we were not the "veterans" we are now. Can you be both veteran and novice?

I'm going to get really personal here, but we still were figuring out how we fit together in love making. Sex was still being figured out, we had no routine, we were still slightly shy, as I am sure we will be when Isaac returns home. I do believe we have a deeper sense of intimacy that will make that transition smoother now, but I feel like I will have to re-learn or just plain learn our relationship in so many ways. I have fears yes. Like what if we cannot get along in close quarters after the honeymoon phase wears off? Isaac will be on house arrest for the first year he is home. What if we have many disagreements over stupid stuff? I know we do now that is for sure, but then I think to myself if he had been standing in front of me and we had unlimited time to discuss that maybe it would not have blown up like it did. All what ifs, the what ifs that get me at 1:30 in the morning while my brain is zinging and my heart is bursting and the tears come easily, the good tears and the bad tears. I thought about our wedding almost one year ago exactly and I cry happy tears every time. It was beautiful. One of the best days of my life. I think about how can we make our second year better? How can we avoid the downfalls of the prison marriage, the horrible statistics for prison relationships? I don't have the answer. I just write. I just unload my mind, empty my heart. Maybe one day I will be closer to the answers. Lord have mercy I need my husband home.