Rip Me Away

I feel so tired right now, actually just plain exhausted. Yesterday I went through three hours of "marriage counseling" with Isaac. I walked into that prison thinking this experience would be different than normal visitation, but it actually seemed worse to me. You would think spending three hours together would be great, but it really only emphasized the distance that constantly exists between us because of the nature of this situation.

No hugs or kisses were allowed at the beginning of class. We had to sit facing forward on either sides of the table. We sat through a 3 hour lecture basically on communication and warning signs of relationships with no interactive or personal learning experiences. I wanted to pull my hair out and even glancing at Isaac seemed inappropriate. They gave us five minutes at the end of the session to hold hands, talk, and to hug and kiss. FIVE minutes. I left feeling empty and numb, but what should I have expected? This is prison for goodness sakes! They are afforded nothing, no luxuries, no special moments, and you know those of us there for the class, by association were afforded nothing as well. To the guards, and even to the teachers, nothing about our relationships, our desire to marry, was fully appropriate or a cause to celebrate. I felt we looked foolish for wanting to create an outward symbol of our love for each other. The other prison fiances looked as unenthusiastic as me, yet slightly numb to the whole situation. I felt like my emotions were attacking me. One man's soon to be spouse did not even show up. I felt like a joke, and I felt such an intense longing for the one I love sitting only inches away from me, yet so far away in that moment.

I was left feeling drained, incomplete, even sorrowful with a full blown headache and a need to soothe myself with food or a cigarette or anything that would distract me from the experience I just had. Maybe I should have been grateful just to be in the same room as my love for that period of time. Many do not even get that. Maybe I should have powered on, looked at the bright side, felt renewed in my desire to marry Isaac. I don't even really know how I feel at this point. I woke up so so tired and weary this morning. All I want is to talk to Isaac on the phone, to be able to hash through this experience with him, to hear his thoughts on how it went, but I cannot do that. Phone money is scarce, actually non-existent at this moment. Money period is missing from my life. I feel so lost, ripped away from the one who holds my heart. Sometimes I think I sound like a hopeless romantic sprinkled with hints of reality here and there, but I love this man. Sometimes I do not even know exactly why, but I know the minute I see his face, it is all over for me. He is mine and I am his. Our love permeates through me. So I think to myself is this worth it, to be constantly torn apart literally and inside my being? But then I remember why I do this, and think to myself, every time I see him no matter the circumstances, they will have to rip me away to separate the love we share.