The Debut

As part of the marriage process, Isaac has been attending a series of marriage counseling courses. Him along with a number of other male inmates who are planning on marrying while inside, meet weekly with an instructor from the chaplain's office. I have always yearned to know how these classes go, and Isaac has briefed me a bit, but I still wonder "what do these men talk about?" or "what has he said about me?" Well...I was recently told by Isaac that we will have a joint 3 hour session this coming Saturday with the marriage counselor and all the other prospective spouses. I am nervous as hell about this.

So many things ran through my mind when Isaac told me that I needed to attend. Marriage counseling with just the two of us sounds very reasonable, but to whisk into some large room filled with inmates and their loved ones? That sounds a bit overwhelming to me. Maybe it is that small narcissistic voice in the back of my head, but my first thought was "what will people think?" "Will I look ok?" "Will others make fun of me?" My confidence is shaky usually, but this just takes it to another level. I already feel judged by others in the visiting room because of what I perceive as my physical appearance, but to stand up, and as Isaac so joyously told me "role play" in front of a group of people? That would make my self-esteem plummet.

Now back to my reasonable voice. These men and women will be so excited to see each other (as I know Isaac and I will be), that they will probably not even really notice anything else. This is about each of us couples, not about the group as a whole. That soothes me temporarily, until I am flooded by images of us sitting around a table staring at each other as one of us painfully speaks about some important subject.

I think what it comes down to, is that I do have low self-esteem, that I do not always feel attractive or strong, or even worthy. I fear that someone will make a snide comment and set off Isaac's need to "protect me." People do a lot of talking and give a lot of looks. I have seen it in the waiting room and in the visiting room. The sizing up of each other. Some would say "look at the situation these people are in, look at the circumstances!" "Why should anyone be judging anyone else?" Why? Because it is human nature to judge. It is part of who we are. We have all done it. I admit I look curiously at the other prison wives and girlfriends. I wonder what their story is. Maybe curiosity is fine, but cruelty or assumptions are not.

I think to myself that perhaps I am coming from the wrong school of thought on this, that I should only focus on getting some good information from this class and hell, I get to spend three hours with my love! That is pretty freaking awesome! How can I push that aside? My mind is all over the place, and all in the wrong places. I should be excited to see Isaac, whom I haven't spoken to on the phone for a week! I should be thrilled for the opportunity to learn more about our relationship. When it comes down to it, it is not about looks, or clothing, or size, or intelligence. It is about us, our joy, our comfort in each other, OUR MARRIAGE! The beginning of a new chapter in our lives! I should be excited! But yes, still I struggle, still I make this experience all about me, about my insecurities. Isaac continually says he is so excited and happy to "show off his lady." That makes me excited because I know this means a lot to him and I have lost sight of the fact that it means a lot to me as well. This is not a theater production, not a performance in front of an audience, and not about me. I am a human being...and this is not my debut, but together it is OUR debut, or own private moment, that no one can take away from with even the harshest of words or looks.