Separation

My biggest struggle with this lifestyle is not the distance, or the difficulties of visits, money, even loneliness, but the decision regarding how to live my life without him. The concept of balance and carrying on so to speak. I fully acknowledge that I have neglected many areas of my life since he has been away. Much of my day revolves around him in some sense or another. My mood shifts with every phone call, every letter, every visit. I constantly wonder how he is doing in there, what he is doing, if he is safe, if he is depressed, etc...I miss him all the time, and I have come to realize that I am losing touch with myself and my need to live my life to the fullest.

Many women feel guilty for having fun, for doing activities without their loved one, for even being excited about anything in their lives. I always thought to myself that that was never me, but then when I took a closer look, I realized that indeed that has become me. Let's look at the facts. I have gained 30lbs from emotional overeating. I rarely have any extracurricular activities, I feel bad when I tell him I am attempting to go any where to have "fun." I have let myself and my living quarters "go." I don't care how I look or what state I appear in when people see me. I have become a recluse. I know what I need to do. I need to reclaim my life. This DOES NOT mean that I want to end things with Isaac, nor do I want to take a break from our relationship, but I more so want to gain a sense of balance in my life and with his incarceration. I don't want every thought to be about him, I don't want every action to be contingent upon whether I will be easily able to answer the phone or get a letter out in time for the postman to pick it up.

How do I begin to take my life back while still loving the man I call home? Isaac encourages me all the time to get out and do things, to not worry about him like I do, to become motivated. He is not the problem, I AM. I cannot separate his incarceration from my life. There I said it. I have struggled with depression for much of my life, it is nothing new, but the reasons for my depression have grown deeper.

Isaac and I have been together approximately a year and a half. During this time, good and bad things have occurred. I began to accept myself more and began to accept the fact that someone else could truly love me. I also began to neglect my basic needs because I was so concerned about Isaac. That is not healthy. Loving should not involve pain and discomfort of this nature. It should be pure and blameless. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. Isaac seems to disagree at times. He often will say that pain and suffering go hand in hand with love. I feel guilty that he sits in there hurting because we are apart. I honestly think we both need to become more able to tend to our own needs while loving one another in a healthy manner. Don't get me wrong our love is real and great and one of the most positive things to ever happen to both our lives. Our love does not see incarceration or separation, it is what it is, it is love and love takes all forms, but this love needs healthy hosts, two people that are content with their lives. Change is in the air and change is needed. I want to give Isaac my happiness, my good days, not my incessant crying and fumbling and him having to comfort me while he sits behind bars. I want us to be strong for each other and most of all for ourselves.