Alone

It is almost 3am and as usual I am lost in thought. It is usually these late night/early morning hours that gets my mind going, usually about Isaac and his situation...our situation. It is impossible to understand the longing, the loneliness that separation brings, unless you have been separated from something, someone, anything that you love. There is a push and pull, a tug, a friction created deep inside you that is the power source for you strength and your pain. You have fuel now, fuel now to hurt either openly, or in the depths of yourself and the depths of isolation.

I lay night after night awake in this bed, and ask myself why I do this, why I continue to embrace loneliness instead of to flee from it. But it is our thoughts that we cannot flee from, cannot set aside or bury deep. They build bridges, elaborate walkways, tunnels in the depths of the mind. Every blessed and damned scenario cross to the other side. My imagination is rich as are my thoughts, and sometimes this is my downfall. Because I loved him in a million languages and a million ways, I saw him differently than he saw himself. In his absence I see his redemption and I feel his love, so I hold on, I even embrace the loneliness, not treating it as victim, but as ally. I speak in peace often, but my heart knows only love and only war, only despair, and indecision. Isaac has caused me to choose. What exactly? And that is a mystery still at times. Love obviously, but love needs fuel, it needs grit, it needs a reason to grow, a reason to continue and not to fester. It is quite possible to feel great loneliness in times of great love. I love my husband, yet I am incredibly lonely without his physical presence here. It eats at me some days and other days it does not bother me. I get chills thinking of him lying next to me in our bed, conversations uninhibited by guards and electronic voices. All I can do is live one day at a time and celebrate the fact that I have conquered another day in this life. I do this because I know one day prison will fade away and all that will be left will just be us...