Hey everyone! I'm still here. I haven't been blogging much because I have been having some health problems and have been dealing with some depression. I have been lacking in motivation shall we say. A little update: things are going pretty well between us. It seems like with every new conflict we resolve, we learn a little more about ourselves and our relationship. Navigating a relationship is never easy, but navigating a prison relationship is even more difficult. I think for us it gets hard because we both have a lot of insecurities and we both have mood issues (although he really won't admit it). Our emotions run very high and we get hurt very easily. Often I didn't realize how sensitive Isaac is because I think oh he's a guy, or he is such a tough person, he is in prison, he can't let his guard down, etc.., but his feelings are experienced in a very intense way for him and by me not recognizing that, I was hurting our chances of reconciliation on so many issues.
Isaac is doing well in prison, I guess as well as you can do inside a cage. He has 1 1/2 more months until he gets off of disciplinary idle and being in a cell 23 hours a day. He keeps his spirits up, his soul is indestructible and it keeps me sane knowing that. It eats at me to wonder if he is sad or happy, or going insane, or is being treated like a animal, or enduring daily humiliation, but I cannot let this experience age me, keep me in a pit of despair.
I cry as I write this because this experience comes along with stress, with pain, with emotion. I love him. I love my husband. All I ever want in this world is to experience him freely and without restriction. To begin a life that in essence began a long time ago. He is my miracle, the man who saved me from myself. How can a man who values life be thought of as a monster?
I visited Isaac yesterday with his father and his brother. We have separate visits so we have time to get in everything each of us wants to get in with my husband. I prefer it that way, but it makes for a lot of down time in the waiting room. We had a nice visit, but it is always so hard to leave. I started crying and he felt bad. It is just difficult to be left alone with your thoughts and feelings on the 3 hour drive home. His family wasn't much help for distraction because they slept all the way there and most of the way back.
Isaac is worried about my health and candidly talked about how we both say we are going to get our health in order, but we just do a lot of talking and not much action. He even went as far as saying he didn't want me visiting or writing until we could start following through on the things we have said. I know though that he cannot live without his visits and letters. They mean a lot to him, so either he is bluffing or he really does mean business. He is right though. I do need to get my shit together. My health is not the greatest and I need to make some changes. I want to have children together and be around for as long as I possibly can.
Well anyway I just wanted to check in and say that things are going pretty well. I miss him intensely and I worry a lot about the future, about when he comes home, about him being on parole, etc...I know life is going to be hard and that is reality, but maybe we will be blessed, in fact I think we already are to have found each other in such a deep place of despair.
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