I guess it is just one of those months where everything seems to go wrong at once. I am trying to stay positive, but I have just been struggling a lot with a combination of not feeling well physically and life circumstances coming and going. My car has been in the shop for 9 flipping days and the mechanic has yet to do anything helpful apparently. It was running and now after replacing a part, it is not running at all...I almost lost it on the phone with him today because I can't quite seem to understand why he is so flippant about fixing my car? 9 days!
I am starting to feel a little better physically after getting some new medication which I am so thankful for. I had been having difficulties with the same health issue for more than 6 months straight with no relief. I am relieved believe me, but the only problem is I feel very bitter that my healthcare providers misdiagnosed me and failed to see something so simple, that in turn caused me quite a bit of pain and discomfort for a continued period of time. I got pissed at my husband because he at one point said maybe it wasn't getting any better because I wasn't taking care of myself properly, and yes I will admit I am not 100% great at taking care of my health, but I was doing everything I could at that point. It hit a nerve and it turned out to be the Dr.'s faults! My husband has been very supportive and there for me the best he can these past couple of weeks. Just hearing his voice is helpful. I am so thankful for that man. Sometimes I forget how well Isaac knows me. I am grateful for that and blessed that he puts up with my crazy, mood ass!
Anyway I am all over the place and I guess just checking in. I visited the hubby this past Weds and we had a good visit, although he was being sassy as hell lol. He got me feeling all frisky and wanting to rip his clothes off right then and there. I kept looking at him when he wasn't paying attention and feeling like I had to pinch myself because this wonderful man is my husband! Damn I think he is sexy as hell and he has a heart of gold. Most people do not realize or wish to recognize that. They wonder how anything other than a sub-human animal could be in prison. How can you love a monster? Being in prison does not make him a monster. I don't doubt that there are some really horrible people in prison, but there are also a lot of men and women who have made various mistakes, had lives going in very wrong directions, etc...people that still deserve to know what it is like to live life to the fullest. My husband never knew what it was like to feel special or truly loved, to know that people are rooting for him to succeed, not to fail. That does not change the fact that he messed up, but he should not be condemned when he is trying to turn his life around.
I think this is another area where all this random anger is coming from for me. I am so sick of the judgement, of the faces, the pity looks, the incredulous gasps, the questions, the wondering, the idea that neither him or I deserve a life and to be happy. There are so many taboo things in this life, and "prison love" is one of them. I guess I should just sit back and understand that, but I have never really been one to just sit back and accept people's ignorance. When you think about it, what is so wrong, so horrible about loyalty? About sticking by someone's side when times get rough? About testing the bounds of your love? About working through difficult situations? That all sounds like perseverance in a relationship and in life. What is so bad about that I ask?
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