This blog is dedicated to my life being married to a man that is incarcerated, but I also want to take some opportunities to talk about myself and my life and struggles in general. Stuff that is not always related to prison GASP! I have been having a lot of hard times lately and quite frankly have had a lot of struggles throughout my life. Right now I feel as though I am at some sort of crossroads and everything past, present, future are all slamming into each other. I feel and see all these directions to go, but have no idea how to decide which way to go. Isaac is supportive of me and all I do in life, but he doesn't always understand the things that I deal with, the thoughts that I have, the things that consume me at times. The fact of the matter is that I have been very broken for a very long time. Depression has overshadowed my 20's as well as impulsivity. I never thought anything through and let my emotions run my actions. I get confused and sad about the direction that my life has taken at points. I'm also proud of my accomplishments as well though. Sometimes I wonder how I can be in a relationship when I feel so messed up, but I can't deny the love we have for each other and the way we bring out the best in one another. A lot of my setbacks in life have to do with holding onto the past and an inability to get over my shortcomings and mistakes. There comes a point that you can't beat yourself up anymore and that you can't let fear guide you.You simply need to live.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sticking To What You Know
To be quite honest I am completely lost. I have not been blogging, well basically doing much of anything productive lately and have fallen into a pit of depression. I laid in my bed all morning fraught with fleeting thoughts, pictures of my life like puzzle pieces whizzing by. Is my future yet to be determined? Is it not what mistakes I am making, but how large are they? The usual questions surge through my head. Am I selling myself short? Will he change in the ways I hope for? Who is he really? Who am I? Is knowing someone really KNOWING someone? Trust is a figment of my imagination...and every other confusing thought that could possibly exist.
Isaac and I set a tentative date for our wedding. We plan to marry in February. That is two months away. It seems this action has sent me spiraling even more. You know this blog is not about sugar coating the hardships of having a loved one incarcerated, it is not about how love with necessarily carry us though, it is about the experience plain and simple. I seek to share all parts of it with my readers. The good, the bad, the ugly, the blessed, the happy, the sad.
What it seems to come down to is that I have a lot of challenges in my life. I feel broken in a sense, and what I have come to understand is that Isaac is very broken too. Our pasts haunt us remarkably and although love seeks to bury them, it is not always enough. Sometimes I do not even know if I am fit to be in a relationship, let alone one with these intricacies. Or maybe it is what the critics say? That those of us women who can't handle "real" or "complete" relationships find themselves "satisfied" in a prison relationship. Oh hell no...my mind really is going crazy. Every possible horrible, hurtful scenario I can think of in regards to Isaac and I is floating through my mind.
They say we only get one life right? Well if this is true, then I am inextricably fucking mine up. Sometimes I feel like life remains so hard even when I think I have caught some sort of break, but then I think to myself "does it have to be this hard?" Does it? Maybe it is the winter, maybe it is the darkness that surrounds us so much earlier, the haze of depression that this month brings for so many. When my thoughts get so jumbled I keep telling myself to stick to what I know, then I think to myself "what the hell do I know?" I am afraid to even bring all this up with Isaac because I know he has been so down too and this will just kick him down a little further to hear all the doubts swirling through my head, but then I think couples need to communicate, especially in a relationship such as this one. It is a must. We need to know what is going on with each other.
So I try to think about what do I know in my life. What are some central beliefs I have that I can stick to in this hard time. Let's go with the obvious. I love my fiance. No matter how strange, unconventional, or stupid it seems, I love him. Other things I know: I want to live a good life. I want my life to have mattered in this world. I want to be a good person. I don't want to live with so many regrets and I want to outlive my past. I want a partner who understands me and loves me regardless. Most of all I know I want to live in a state of peace. I want to take a deep breath, let it out, and say all is well with my soul.
Isaac and I set a tentative date for our wedding. We plan to marry in February. That is two months away. It seems this action has sent me spiraling even more. You know this blog is not about sugar coating the hardships of having a loved one incarcerated, it is not about how love with necessarily carry us though, it is about the experience plain and simple. I seek to share all parts of it with my readers. The good, the bad, the ugly, the blessed, the happy, the sad.
What it seems to come down to is that I have a lot of challenges in my life. I feel broken in a sense, and what I have come to understand is that Isaac is very broken too. Our pasts haunt us remarkably and although love seeks to bury them, it is not always enough. Sometimes I do not even know if I am fit to be in a relationship, let alone one with these intricacies. Or maybe it is what the critics say? That those of us women who can't handle "real" or "complete" relationships find themselves "satisfied" in a prison relationship. Oh hell no...my mind really is going crazy. Every possible horrible, hurtful scenario I can think of in regards to Isaac and I is floating through my mind.
They say we only get one life right? Well if this is true, then I am inextricably fucking mine up. Sometimes I feel like life remains so hard even when I think I have caught some sort of break, but then I think to myself "does it have to be this hard?" Does it? Maybe it is the winter, maybe it is the darkness that surrounds us so much earlier, the haze of depression that this month brings for so many. When my thoughts get so jumbled I keep telling myself to stick to what I know, then I think to myself "what the hell do I know?" I am afraid to even bring all this up with Isaac because I know he has been so down too and this will just kick him down a little further to hear all the doubts swirling through my head, but then I think couples need to communicate, especially in a relationship such as this one. It is a must. We need to know what is going on with each other.
So I try to think about what do I know in my life. What are some central beliefs I have that I can stick to in this hard time. Let's go with the obvious. I love my fiance. No matter how strange, unconventional, or stupid it seems, I love him. Other things I know: I want to live a good life. I want my life to have mattered in this world. I want to be a good person. I don't want to live with so many regrets and I want to outlive my past. I want a partner who understands me and loves me regardless. Most of all I know I want to live in a state of peace. I want to take a deep breath, let it out, and say all is well with my soul.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)