Sticking To What You Know

To be quite honest I am completely lost. I have not been blogging, well basically doing much of anything productive lately and have fallen into a pit of depression. I laid in my bed all morning fraught with fleeting thoughts, pictures of my life like puzzle pieces whizzing by. Is my future yet to be determined? Is it not what mistakes I am making, but how large are they? The usual questions surge through my head. Am I selling myself short? Will he change in the ways I hope for? Who is he really? Who am I? Is knowing someone really KNOWING someone? Trust is a figment of my imagination...and every other confusing thought that could possibly exist.

Isaac and I set a tentative date for our wedding. We plan to marry in February. That is two months away. It seems this action has sent me spiraling even more. You know this blog is not about sugar coating the hardships of having a loved one incarcerated, it is not about how love with necessarily carry us though, it is about the experience plain and simple. I seek to share all parts of it with my readers. The good, the bad, the ugly, the blessed, the happy, the sad.

What it seems to come down to is that I have a lot of challenges in my life. I feel broken in a sense, and what I have come to understand is that Isaac is very broken too. Our pasts haunt us remarkably and although love seeks to bury them, it is not always enough. Sometimes I do not even know if I am fit to be in a relationship, let alone one with these intricacies. Or maybe it is what the critics say? That those of us women who can't handle "real" or "complete" relationships find themselves "satisfied" in a prison relationship. Oh hell no...my mind really is going crazy. Every possible horrible, hurtful scenario I can think of in regards to Isaac and I is floating through my mind.

They say we only get one life right? Well if this is true, then I am inextricably fucking mine up. Sometimes I feel like life remains so hard even when I think I have caught some sort of break, but then I think to myself "does it have to be this hard?" Does it? Maybe it is the winter, maybe it is the darkness that surrounds us so much earlier, the haze of depression that this month brings for so many. When my thoughts get so jumbled I keep telling myself to stick to what I know, then I think to myself "what the hell do I know?" I am afraid to even bring all this up with Isaac because I know he has been so down too and this will just kick him down a little further to hear all the doubts swirling through my head, but then I think couples need to communicate, especially in a relationship such as this one. It is a must. We need to know what is going on with each other.

So I try to think about what do I know in my life. What are some central beliefs I have that I can stick to in this hard time. Let's go with the obvious. I love my fiance. No matter how strange, unconventional, or stupid it seems, I love him. Other things I know: I want to live a good life. I want my life to have mattered in this world. I want to be a good person. I don't want to live with so many regrets and I want to outlive my past. I want a partner who understands me and loves me regardless. Most of all I know I want to live in a state of peace. I want to take a deep breath, let it out, and say all is well with my soul.

Life Goes On

I am absolutely lost. It is as though my brain has been gutted and rewired, as though my sorrow has dropped down into my heart. Every day is wrought with confusion, doubt, questioning. There is no doubt that I am depressed, that I am anxious, that I am at my wits end, but the question is why? Why have I reached this place in my life and in my relationship?

I am not the only one having a hard time right now. Isaac is having down times as well. Today we talked for the first time in 5 days and I ruined the whole conversation by crying, sobs coming from my heaving chest. I tried to explain myself, but it just made things worse. The final straw was the fact that I told him I was feeling stressed about our wedding and needed some extra time to get everything together. He sounded so disappointed and upset. I felt horrible and all I was doing was trying to assert my needs.

Every day brings this heavy weight and this longing. I long for touch, for the proximity of love, for sex, for affection, for time spent together that never ends. the weight of the stigma, of people's ignorance weighs me down. I love Isaac, and I want Isaac, I just want him out here in the world with me. Every time I talk to him he apologizes profusely for the fact that he is away, but it doesn't matter. I don't need apologies, I need change, and action, I need the earth to spin faster, I need to look him in the face, I need to hash out a plan about how our future will be. I need intimacy not just physically, but of the soul. I need to get my brain all straightened out. What do I want out of this life? Where do I want to be? I feel that I lack progress and motivation, and I am so tired...so so tired. I hate this lifestyle, I tolerate it...barely.

Sometimes I even dare to wonder if this can be considered a real relationship. I can count the amount of time we spend together, the number of kisses we share, the times we touch. It is all measured and the memories of the past fade and become blurry sometimes. It feels like at times that the only Isaac I know is the one that is incarcerated. I can't even remember what he looks like in street clothes!

Gosh I love that man, so very much. He makes my insides melt, makes my heart remember why it beats. I am just struggling with remaining strong, with not feeling down all the time. I miss him incredibly. I don't know how I can keep this up for years? A relationship should fulfill me, should be a presence in my life. I know that this life is not ideal, that what occurs while Isaac is incarcerated is not all in my hands, that I must be patient and go with the flow. Maybe this is my plateau, one of those times where the weight of doing time with someone brings you down and you need to refresh yourself and your relationship. I miss him so much and I still feel slightly angry at him. I need and want him with me, but I must face reality. Life does go on. It always does.