Falling Apart

My husband and I seem to be falling apart. We have had the worse arguments of our relationship in the past week and today I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like he started getting down right rude on the phone so I hung up on him. I feel numb and yes scared of what his reaction will be. Will he try calling me tomorrow? Will he still want to fight? It was like I was just so happy to hear the phone ring and have it be him and he started in on my from his first breath. How can we be like this? We have been solid for so long. Is it because we just got married? I know we both miss each other and worry, but he takes worrying and ruminating to a whole new level. I think he constantly thinks that I am doing something behind his back and I resent that because I am a good wife who tries to hold him down and goes all these lonely days and nights without him, and without hardly any friends also and I still get blamed for all this shit. He needs to man up and learn to communicate better and I need to learn to stand my ground better when he seems disrespectful. He has never been like this ever and it is eating me up inside.

Peace

That day I saw the sun and moon in your eyes. I recognized would I could not remember. I became familiar with that which I had always known. I married the man that brings me to tears with his love. I had so much turmoil in my heart and in my soul prior to our marriage. I discussed the pit of depression that I had fallen into, the despair of knowing Isaac has quite a bit of time left on his sentence, and my doubts and fears. Truth be told there were some things about myself, my life, and my past that I had never told Isaac in the two years we had been together. I felt horrible for not confiding in him and trusting him to understand the things that haunt me and perplex me. I decided one day in a moment of desperation, a moment where I could no longer hold the breath inside my chest, the words inside my mouth, I spilled everything I wanted to tell Isaac. His reaction made me shed tears of relief and joy. He was understanding, caring, reassuring, and gentle with me. He told me that he doesn't judge me for the things that have happened in my life, that he loves me and that love does not have stipulations. I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Suddenly everything became clear. I no longer had doubts about getting married. I mean I was close to dreading our wedding and we fought so much that we almost called it off. I suggested a break and Isaac couldn't handle that idea. He didn't understand why it would be necessary since we were apart so much anyway and have such limited communication.

Our upcoming marriage became solid. It became a thing to hope for, to look forward to, to believe that it would make life that much better. My entire outlook on our relationship changed. I was suddenly filled with joy and faith in the union we had created. I finally felt at peace. Everything changed at the point after I let my demons loose in the presence of Isaac and he did not reject me. I love that man more than life itself. I love him like the ocean meets the sky, never ending and with such a fervor or passion I fear I may fall off the edge of the world.

Flash to a couple of weeks ago, and it is the day of my wedding. I have spent literally months preparing for this moment. Every detail I scrutinized, every scenario I had going through my head as to what could go wrong. In the end it was combined into one lovely blissful moment. The moment I walked in that visiting room and saw Isaac sitting in the small glass room at least 30 feet away, the tears began streaming down my face and sobs racked my chest. I was filled with such emotion and love at that moment. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. Isaac did as well. We had four family members present and tears glistened on their faces as well. It was a wonderful occasion. It felt so comfortable to become Isaac's wife. Staring into each other's eyes throughout the time I felt that same sense of peace wash over me. In the depths of my mind and soul, it was a perfect moment. We visited afterwards and the next day as husband and wife.

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I don't think I realized the extent of this when we first got engaged. I made a promise to stand by Isaac through anything and everything, to be his companion, to love and trust and learn to mediate between our differences. I am still learning the meaning of this concept. I think I will for the rest of my life. Our marriage has created pact between us, one bound by love and by compromise.

In the end the choice Isaac and I made to get married was a natural one. Our love feels natural and it always has, but I know longer doubt him, doubt our relationship, doubt my choices. Believe me this life is still not easy. It is hard as hell. I have horrible days sometimes, I have moments of despair, moments where I feel as though he will never come home, never be in my arms, never stand in front of me unhindered, but I know in my heart, that this time will pass away, this time will dissipate, and he will stand in front of me. Together we will no longer be pieces, but be whole. 

Sticking To What You Know

To be quite honest I am completely lost. I have not been blogging, well basically doing much of anything productive lately and have fallen into a pit of depression. I laid in my bed all morning fraught with fleeting thoughts, pictures of my life like puzzle pieces whizzing by. Is my future yet to be determined? Is it not what mistakes I am making, but how large are they? The usual questions surge through my head. Am I selling myself short? Will he change in the ways I hope for? Who is he really? Who am I? Is knowing someone really KNOWING someone? Trust is a figment of my imagination...and every other confusing thought that could possibly exist.

Isaac and I set a tentative date for our wedding. We plan to marry in February. That is two months away. It seems this action has sent me spiraling even more. You know this blog is not about sugar coating the hardships of having a loved one incarcerated, it is not about how love with necessarily carry us though, it is about the experience plain and simple. I seek to share all parts of it with my readers. The good, the bad, the ugly, the blessed, the happy, the sad.

What it seems to come down to is that I have a lot of challenges in my life. I feel broken in a sense, and what I have come to understand is that Isaac is very broken too. Our pasts haunt us remarkably and although love seeks to bury them, it is not always enough. Sometimes I do not even know if I am fit to be in a relationship, let alone one with these intricacies. Or maybe it is what the critics say? That those of us women who can't handle "real" or "complete" relationships find themselves "satisfied" in a prison relationship. Oh hell no...my mind really is going crazy. Every possible horrible, hurtful scenario I can think of in regards to Isaac and I is floating through my mind.

They say we only get one life right? Well if this is true, then I am inextricably fucking mine up. Sometimes I feel like life remains so hard even when I think I have caught some sort of break, but then I think to myself "does it have to be this hard?" Does it? Maybe it is the winter, maybe it is the darkness that surrounds us so much earlier, the haze of depression that this month brings for so many. When my thoughts get so jumbled I keep telling myself to stick to what I know, then I think to myself "what the hell do I know?" I am afraid to even bring all this up with Isaac because I know he has been so down too and this will just kick him down a little further to hear all the doubts swirling through my head, but then I think couples need to communicate, especially in a relationship such as this one. It is a must. We need to know what is going on with each other.

So I try to think about what do I know in my life. What are some central beliefs I have that I can stick to in this hard time. Let's go with the obvious. I love my fiance. No matter how strange, unconventional, or stupid it seems, I love him. Other things I know: I want to live a good life. I want my life to have mattered in this world. I want to be a good person. I don't want to live with so many regrets and I want to outlive my past. I want a partner who understands me and loves me regardless. Most of all I know I want to live in a state of peace. I want to take a deep breath, let it out, and say all is well with my soul.