Families Behind Bars in Indiana

Hello everyone! I just wanted to make people aware of a group on Facebook that is helping people with incarcerated loved ones in Indiana. It is called Families Behind Bars. There is a local meeting, but soon an online chat will be started. The chat will be Sunday April 26th at 7:00pm EST. We are not chatting through Facebook, but through slack.com. Anyone from ANYWHERE can join in on the chat! Friends, acquaintances, or family members welcome. I will post the link for it if anyone feels like it would be beneficial to talk with others in a similar situation. Having an incarcerated loved one can be a lonely and scary thing and so support is always needed! It will just be a relaxed chat where anyone can bring up issues related to their lives and their loved ones incarceration. Here is the link to families Behind Bars on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Families-Behind-Bars/563050973826710 and here is the link to the chat event: https://www.facebook.com/events/960418197324544/. If you have any questions please email Families Behind Bars at familiesbehindbarsinfo@gmail.com! I will be on the chat!

Fighting The Good Fight

Hey folks! I am doing pretty well! That last post was one I started quite a while ago and decided to publish. We are considering a modification for Isaac currently. He is now under 2 years left on his sentence and that is not even counting his upcoming time cut. I never thought I would see these days. It just comes to show that if you are able to be patient and wait, the clock has to inevitably wind down. I consulted a lawyer last week concerning the modification. I would have to retain him and then we would send out for information regarding his case. He said not to retain him until after Isaac has completed his program which he is only a couple months from doing.

Isaac and I are doing well. We still are struggling with writing snail mail, but we continue to send emails and videograms on the daily. I visit every weekend and pray every time that my car makes it! It has such high mileage now after years of driving to visit him. We talk about the future and I am getting ready to ask my landlord how she feels about him coming to live with me. I'm nervous as hell about that!

Work is going well for me. It is super busy, but I fight through the anxiety and the chaos and continue to be happy for myself that I am back to work. I am not perfect, but I try my hardest for my clients. I am still struggling to make more friends, and conjure up the energy to do more social activities. I volunteered to table at a event regarding the prison system on Saturday, visit Sunday morning hopefully, and a walk to help fight to end homelessness Sunday afternoon. A busy weekend right? Well I am off to get ready for work. I know I need to update this blog more often. As I always say, life gets in the way! Keep on fighting the fight!

When The Clock Stopped

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen asleep in my life, that I'm constantly waiting for something. Waiting to lose weight, waiting to feel more attractive, waiting to make more money, and of course waiting for my husband to be released from prison. There are times in my life, things from my past, unpleasant memories that I want to forget. I realize that most often that is what I want..to forget, to sleep in the presence of pain. To pretend like Isaac never went to prison, that are life is as we want it to be now.

I write sometimes to express some things that I will never verbalize to a soul in my daily life. I write to release and I write so people know that they are not alone. Incarceration, loneliness, depression, life stressors exist for so many. I feel rather lost right now because I exist always in the space of absence. Part of me has kept myself that way to protect myself from unpleasant things in my life, but it keeps me from living life as well.

One of the biggest concerns from prison wives is that they feel as though their lives have been put on hold while their loved one is away. That life had to stop at a specific date...his arrest or maybe his sentencing. That is when the clock stopped. When did the clock stop for you?

In some ways I live my life, I live for every day and I do not let my husband's imprisonment stop me from living. I go to work. I socialize, I do activities. On the other hand, there are definitely things that I refrain from doing. There are parts of my routine that are tailored around my husband's incarceration. Sometimes that has to be the way things are. You have to schedule time in for visits and phone calls, etc...Right now at 6am I am trying to figure out if I have enough money for his commissary order this time. It is rather large! I hate feeling stuck, but there is nowhere to go but up. We have to be dedicated in this life, if we are half-assed prison wives for lack of a better word, we are missing our hearts. We have left the whole thing with him. That is not a way to live.

Husband Knows Best?

Isaac has a lot of strong opinions on life, especially on our life. One of these surrounds my health and habits. I am diabetic and have had some subsequent health issues in relation to that. I spent last night in the ER with chest pain. The doctors were worried I might have a blood clot from recent traveling. I could hear in his voice he was scared to death about my health and I hated that. I don't want my husband to constantly worry.

Long story short, I did not have a blood clot, but my health remains risky. We always talk about wanting to have children, but I would really need to get my health in order for that to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging. Then I think what reason would I have to do this? Essentially I am cutting down the years I have to spend with my husband and we have a lot of catch up to play. Why can't I just eat healthier? Why can't I exercise regularly? Why can't I value my life because it seems like my husband values it more?

I could say that his incarceration has brought a lot of stress, because it has. But that is no excuse to eat whatever and to become a sloth. I was sick with no symptoms before he got locked up, so to say it is stress, could maybe be a half truth. I have definitely learned to handle the stress of having an incarcerated loved one better, yet my health remains poor. Incarceration takes a toll on loved ones I think that is very often unseen. We grieve silently, we feel shame and guilt hidden behind happy masks. It is taken out on our body, lashing us, beating us into submission and perhaps the only thing to do is to fight back.

Doing things that take up time is always recommended when your loved one is away. Why not rebuild your mind and body? Why not create a different perspective on life? There is always this theory that life has to stop when your husband goes away, but in fact Isaac has been trying to shoe me forward this whole time. Maybe he does know best in this case? I mean yes my health is important, but I also want to look my best for when he comes home as well. I also know I am going to need some stress relief habits for when I am dealing with him with parole fees and appointments, etc...

Anyway I think I have fought Isaac knowing best because I wanted to be right and because quite frankly I am in denial of my health being bad. NOW is the time to act. We lose so much time to incarceration. Why lose time to poor health or any other habit that is holding us back?

Directions

Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted last. Since I began full-time work, a lot of the things I did in my free time have gone by the wayside. I have been thinking about directions lately. The direction life takes you in, the direction of future plans, the direction of this blog. I have been toying around with maybe changing up the style of it. Now I basically rely on more of a narrative format, but maybe it is time to mix in a little more practicality surrounding being a prison wife or the loved one of someone incarcerated. I know there are a lot of people out there living this life alone and surrounded by guilt, shame, and secrecy. My first goal has always been to support and I recently got an email from an individual saying my blog reminded her that she is in fact not alone on this journey. I welcome questions, ideas for posts, advice, etc..and would love to gear my blog in a direction that will be helpful to as many people as possible.

I do believe just narrating my experience does help people, but I think I want to add some other elements. Obviously being a prison wife is not the only thing I am. I am just throwing some ideas around, but I definitely want to take more time to update my blog. I enjoy it thoroughly.

Just to let everyone know a little update, my husband and I are doing really great! We just celebrated two years of marriage and are going strong. He know has under two years left on his sentence and we are gearing a lot more towards the logistics of him coming home. He is so sweet and showered me with presents and cards for Valentine's Day. We got a 3 hour visit that day, which was amazing and we just kind of take things a day at a time. We are struggling using too much money for the phone, but we all know that is a common struggle for most couples. He is doing great in his program and is in the next to last phase to completing it. I am very proud of him!

I would love to connect with anyone who needs support or just to chat about shared experience so feel free to comment or email me!

Reading My Blog? Please Follow!

Hi everyone! I know from my stats and numbers that quite a few of you out there read this blog and I am every so grateful and appreciative of that! I was just hoping that those of you who do read it on a regular basis will consider following my blog here on Google, or comment if you feel so inclined. I would love to get to know more of those who read this, and have input into how the blog is going. So, if you feel like it, I encourage you to follow my my blog openly or anonymously and encourage others to read it and/or follow it. This really isn't a request for more readers, although that is never a bad thing, I just really would like to get a better sense of who is reading this, who this is important to, and what people think! Thank you every one from the bottom of my heart!  I love being able to share my life and struggles with you all! Keep reading!

Lazy Days of Thinking

I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.

I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.

It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.

Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years??  People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.

Great Visit!

At the last minute, my father-in-law, brother-in-law, and myself decided to visit my husband this past Wednesday. At first I was frazzled to be going so soon because I had planned on going Saturday, but I started to get really excited to see my husband. It had been two weeks since we had last visited. I drove the 6 hour round trip myself as his brother and dad slept the whole time, giving me way too much time to think. I hate that frantic feeling I get when leaving a visit. It is like I don't know what to do, say, or feel. Everything feels all twisted inside and I have all this excess energy. My mind runs a million miles a minute. It never gets easier to leave Isaac at that place.

Anyway it was a really good visit! We laughed and joked a lot! I just melt every time he smiles. He used to never smile or laugh and now he does all the time. It brings me such happiness to know that he can still keep a sense of humor while being in prison. We didn't have any arguments and it was just such a nice relaxed time over a couple sodas and a hot pocket stuffed with Cheetos :-) The guards working were all very respectful and nice and I didn't have to wait long to get in to see him. It feels so natural and so comfortable to be with him, and so it makes me miss him that much more when I have to leave. It is hard to have a husband but not "have" a husband. His absence is like a hole in my heart, and every time I see him, it brings me great joy, yet great sorrow. Like I said it was a great visit, and he had a really good visit with his father and brother also.

I feel a sense of peace more these days in regards to my marriage. We were having a very rocky time in terms of lots of arguments and feeling sad and depressed and lost. We got into one very hurtful arguments that sent me into a downward spiral for days. I felt torn about our relationship. I wondered if we really ever understood each other like I thought we did. Isaac was having all these doubts and crazy thoughts that I couldn't stay faithful to him out here, or that I was up to no good in some way. The time had started to get to him, and he is on 23 lock down, so he is couped up in his cell all day long. He has been making a really big effort to stop the negative thoughts when they come up. I told him that he needs to try and relax and to be happy that he has a good woman waiting for him here at home who has promised to stand by his side. He is not alone or forgotten. I am always with him and will be always with him.

Back to the visit now. On the way home I did a lot of thinking. I was so happy to have seen Isaac and to have had a wonderful visit. I feel like it is enough to sustain me until the next time I see him. I was having a rough couple of days prior to the visit and to have him just sit and listen to my thoughts and feelings made me feel so much better. I love that man so much. I can't wait until our next visit. I will never be comfortable with this lifestyle believe me. I will never get used to it, even though I at least get more acclimated to it, but I feel more of a contentment with my marriage and my relationship. I know that Isaac is the love of my life. I know it. That fact alone, is enough to continue to keep my promise to stand by his side.

Holding On

I believe that ANY amount of time that a person has to serve is difficult for them and their loved ones. Yes there is a difference between waiting for someone serving a 1 year sentence and a 10 year sentence, but that feeling of standing still while life goes on can seem familiar to many alike. I think questioning whether you are strong enough or able enough, or even WANT to do this journey is a good thing. Sometimes on the prison support websites, you see people fading, growing apart, couples not being who they thought they were too each other anymore. People jumping in head first without giving it much thought. I think this fear of losing grip, of not being able to hold on any longer is huge for prison wives. I believe that time can go as slow or as fast as you want it to. It all depends on how you spend your days, the ways you keep your mind and self busy, the tasks and goals you set out to meet. Everything plays into whether one can "handle" doing the waiting game, whether they can actually hold on.

I have been at this about two years, and I think I have done a fairly good job of making it through thus far, but I could definitely stand to do a better job. I do not structure my time well enough and I often times find myself bored and the days dragging. I am currently not working, so I have huge chunks of time that are not filled with anything. At first I was distraught over not being able to work for this period of time, but then I realized that this is my time, my opportunity to start planning our future, and most importantly work on myself to get my mind, heart, and body ready for Isaac to come home. There are logistics that need to be worked out, etc...All these things can help me have purpose, help keep me busy. The only problem is, I am lacking in motivation. In all honesty, I miss my husband terribly, all I want to do is sleep and eat all day. We can't talk on the phone regularly and their is another week until our next visit. It is in these lagging periods, these reprieves, that I wonder if I am capable of holding on. I think of all the stress that Isaac's incarceration has caused us both. and it tears me up. I feel like I look like I have aged 5 years. I know I have the strength to carry on in this journey, but carrying on has a price attached to it.

Isaac and I want to have children for example. He is a little bit younger than me, so it is always me worrying about whether we will be able to get pregnant when he gets out. My biological clock is ticking and he still has over 3 years left! Then I ask myself, is it still worth holding on for if I possibly give up my desire to have children in order to wait for him to get out of prison? I don't know. The lack of sex and physical intimacy for me at least does not make it that hard to keep on keeping on, but to many it is a huge issue, one that can tear prison relationships apart. There are so many issues at work when considering whether a prison marriage for example will last.

Isaac and I are pretty solid and the time has gone by quite quickly most times. I hold on because holding on is what I have always done in my life, sometimes to my detriment, but it speaks to my perseverance. Living this life of a prison wife really is not for everyone. There has to be a commitment made to one's self, but also a promise, that if this isn't working out for you, that you will decide to let go.

Checking In

I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would check in and let people know how things are going. On one hand, nothing really seems new, and on the other hand, many things seem to have changed. Isaac and I keep having these rough patches where we don't see eye to eye and we argue all the time over stupid things. Then there is the fact that I go day to day almost content that I am waiting for him, and that that is just what I have to do in order to one day have my husband home with me.

Sometimes I feel so detached from Isaac. It is like on one hand we are married and I feel that so intensely inside myself, but then sometimes it seems like such a foreign concept since he is not here with me and we barely get to talk on the phone and have such short visits. I don't know how to balance my feelings. I miss him so much, but it just sucks that every time we talk we argue. I mean we are doing somewhat better and manage to end the convos on a good note, but I feel let down when he calls and I get all excited to answer and then he comes at me with stupid stuff. IDK. I am trying to keep busy, and am just frustrated with life in general. Money is always an issue and there is never enough of it. I worry about it all the time and I feel bad I can't give Isaac all that he needs in there as his wife. He says it doesn't matter, but I still feel bad. UGH I want my husband laying here next to me as it storms outside. I want to feel his love and his safety and I want to be able to breathe.

My car has been acting up which is a big worry for me because I rely on it to make the trip for visits, and to get me around in general. I don't have money for a new car. That's just a fact. I'm struggling with my weight and eating habits, my health, and just sheer laziness. For some reason I have become obsessed with appearance. I have started fearing getting older, even though I am far from old. I don't know I just feel like I try and switch my focus from Isaac and all the stress related to his situation to myself, and I don't know if it necessarily helps. I should be focusing my energy on cleaning my apartment and getting out of the house. Instead I eat food that is bad for me and stay on Tumblr all day. Isaac thinks I should get a job, and believe me if that were something I could do at the moment I would, but he doesn't understand that there are a lot of things at play in terms of that area of my life at the moment. He keeps telling me to explain, but how do I explain the fact that I get panic attacks just thinking about going back to work and how they do not seem to be triggered by something and how they are very hard to stop? I guess I just need to stay positive and pray and hope for the best. Isaac always says hope for the best and prepare for the worst. A very good motto indeed.

Finding a Routine

With Isaac in prison, one thing I really struggle with is finding some sort of routine in my life. Often times people's lives are defined and mandated by their career or job. It even sometimes fuels and defines their self-worth. Many prison wives say that working helps them take their minds off of their loved one being away, and makes the time go faster. I think this is part of my problem. I am not currently working. I am talking time to re-evaluate my life and what I want to do as a career. So here I am with ALL this free time on my hands, and I feel completely lost all day every day. I need to find ways to keep myself entertained and busy.

Isaac is always telling me that I need to get out of the house and I need to keep myself busy. "How?" I ask. I live in a relatively small area, there is basically very few activities available, and I find myself stuck in a constant state of boredom. The ironic thing is that because of my depression, I don't want to do anything, but I find myself going insane from boredom. I stare at the dishes that need to be done, but I never do them. I think about going to some sort of support group, but the nearest one is an hour away. Sometimes I feel like I am making excuses for not living my life while Isaac is away. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. Truth be told I had trouble living my life even when Isaac was not in prison. Sometimes the every day challenges are just too much to handle and I find myself isolating and trying to escape life.

So, I am really trying to get rid of the self-pity and create some sort of routine for myself. I need to start with the basics. It is very hard to make changes when you want to do everything now and quickly. That is the hardest thing for me. You would think I would have great amounts of patience in my life because of being a prison wife, but in fact I can be quite impatient. One thing at a time. Hey today I should feel triumphant because I got a letter out to Isaac and I am doing a months worth of laundry. I even took my mom's dog for a walk. If I could get some exercise in, I would feel a million times better. Soooo today if it is simply doing a few dishes and washing my face, then that is what it will be. If I can do a few things that turn into a routine, then I will feel accomplished. It truly does begin with baby steps.

Like A Thing Unseen

Prison doesn't always get to me, financial strains don't always bother me, even traveling and stigma, but it is more the continuous loneliness that I feel as a prison wife. I am not saying I am ALWAYS lonely, because I do definitely feel emotionally and even physically close to my husband, but there are those nights you lie awake and alone in your bed, wishing, wishing so hard that he was lying there next to you, that if magic existed, he would appear there with his warm skin to cuddle you. Maybe to me loneliness equals the lack of physical intimacy, the lack of contact. I always wonder why prisons are so strict about letting inmates and their loved ones have physical contact. Yes there are the obvious reason such as trafficking, but really to not let a hug last more than 10 seconds? To slip a little tongue into you "brief kiss"? Isaac and I kind of do that anyway and no one usually seems to care. I love it when I step into his arms and he squeezes me so hard as I stand on my tiptoes. I love the smell of him, the way my head fits into the curve of his neck, the strength I sense in him.

The simple hand holding at visits brings me joy. I always stare at my little hands cupped inside his big ass tattooed hands, my name staring back at me in bold black letters on the space between his forefinger and thumb. Sometimes I have to stop myself from reaching out and touching his hair or his face. Sometimes when I am daring I will stroke his forearm. I love that man so much and all I want to do is wrap him up in my arms and sit that way for hours. He talks of this often. His face is wistful when he mentions holding me at night, talking into the early hours of the morning. This longing, this loneliness is pervasive, it grabs you and chokes you, shakes you and gives you doubts. It does not seem natural to be separated from the one that is most important to you.

There are also the everyday activities of life that give me pause since he is not here. I mean realistically it would be great to have a second income in the household. I would love him to help with tasks around the apartment and be able to have the little moments that only two people can share in person, such as a laugh over something trivial or a hug that results in some steamy sex in the kitchen lol. Walking hand in hand in the park, swimming, eating out. I don't even care about sex though so to speak. It seems the longer you go without it, the less you care about it. I just miss being touched, being loved by someone's skin, looking into my husbands eyes. This loneliness often goes unseen. Us prison wives put on a solid front for our children, our families, our friends. We don't want them to say 'I told you so!" or " This is too hard for you." Waiting for a loved one in prison is not an impossible task. Going without physical intimacy, missing out on the ins and outs of an "in person" relationship, those things are difficult, but doable. I mean we hear about women and men doing it all the time for YEARS. It comes down to weighing the pros and cons, and when I do this, I always come back to one thing that I know is true: I love Isaac more than life itself and to be without him is far worse than to be without him only temporarily.

Standing Through Time

As we talked on the phone that one day long ago, I simply said it: “I’m not going anywhere. I will stand here, right by your side. That is my promise.” You were strangely quiet. You told me later you had been fighting back tears after I spoke those words. Now, I have loved you through four facilities in four cities. I have watched you walk towards me in orange, red, striped, and khaki jumpsuits. I have memorized the curves of your handwriting and that familiar “from an offender” stamp on each envelope. With every letter I send the seasons change and my graveyard of empty envelope boxes and used notepads grows. The faceless woman who calls me with her electronic voice is both my best friend and worst enemy, but hearing your voice is my salvation. I have sat on hard stools and plastic chairs, leaned against walls of concrete to speak to you through wires and glass. I remember my face cracking into a smile and tears welling in my eyes. I was staring at you from a distance waiting for the metal gate to part and for the first time in 13 months I was allowed to touch you. Twice a month I drive 6 hours round trip for 1 beautiful hour with you. It is all worth the rude guards and the long waits. I always squeeze you, pat your shoulder and say “take care” before you move toward those metal bars. The hurt that grabs me the minute I walk away from that place never goes away, but all is right with my world now. I held the pain you couldn’t show in there when times got rough, and you held the worry when I got sick. On our wedding day in that fortress of a prison we looked each other in the eyes and promised forever. When things get hard and time moves slowly, when we both weep on the phone, I whisper “do you remember what I promised you?” There is always a pause and you say “yes I do..and you have.” So still, two years later, here I stand. Right by your side.

Peace

That day I saw the sun and moon in your eyes. I recognized would I could not remember. I became familiar with that which I had always known. I married the man that brings me to tears with his love. I had so much turmoil in my heart and in my soul prior to our marriage. I discussed the pit of depression that I had fallen into, the despair of knowing Isaac has quite a bit of time left on his sentence, and my doubts and fears. Truth be told there were some things about myself, my life, and my past that I had never told Isaac in the two years we had been together. I felt horrible for not confiding in him and trusting him to understand the things that haunt me and perplex me. I decided one day in a moment of desperation, a moment where I could no longer hold the breath inside my chest, the words inside my mouth, I spilled everything I wanted to tell Isaac. His reaction made me shed tears of relief and joy. He was understanding, caring, reassuring, and gentle with me. He told me that he doesn't judge me for the things that have happened in my life, that he loves me and that love does not have stipulations. I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Suddenly everything became clear. I no longer had doubts about getting married. I mean I was close to dreading our wedding and we fought so much that we almost called it off. I suggested a break and Isaac couldn't handle that idea. He didn't understand why it would be necessary since we were apart so much anyway and have such limited communication.

Our upcoming marriage became solid. It became a thing to hope for, to look forward to, to believe that it would make life that much better. My entire outlook on our relationship changed. I was suddenly filled with joy and faith in the union we had created. I finally felt at peace. Everything changed at the point after I let my demons loose in the presence of Isaac and he did not reject me. I love that man more than life itself. I love him like the ocean meets the sky, never ending and with such a fervor or passion I fear I may fall off the edge of the world.

Flash to a couple of weeks ago, and it is the day of my wedding. I have spent literally months preparing for this moment. Every detail I scrutinized, every scenario I had going through my head as to what could go wrong. In the end it was combined into one lovely blissful moment. The moment I walked in that visiting room and saw Isaac sitting in the small glass room at least 30 feet away, the tears began streaming down my face and sobs racked my chest. I was filled with such emotion and love at that moment. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. Isaac did as well. We had four family members present and tears glistened on their faces as well. It was a wonderful occasion. It felt so comfortable to become Isaac's wife. Staring into each other's eyes throughout the time I felt that same sense of peace wash over me. In the depths of my mind and soul, it was a perfect moment. We visited afterwards and the next day as husband and wife.

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I don't think I realized the extent of this when we first got engaged. I made a promise to stand by Isaac through anything and everything, to be his companion, to love and trust and learn to mediate between our differences. I am still learning the meaning of this concept. I think I will for the rest of my life. Our marriage has created pact between us, one bound by love and by compromise.

In the end the choice Isaac and I made to get married was a natural one. Our love feels natural and it always has, but I know longer doubt him, doubt our relationship, doubt my choices. Believe me this life is still not easy. It is hard as hell. I have horrible days sometimes, I have moments of despair, moments where I feel as though he will never come home, never be in my arms, never stand in front of me unhindered, but I know in my heart, that this time will pass away, this time will dissipate, and he will stand in front of me. Together we will no longer be pieces, but be whole. 

Finally The Wedding!

I must apologize to all for neglecting my blog for over two months. A lot has been going on in my life good and bad as well as in my relationship with Isaac. We had our ups and downs and life refused to pause for my stubborn depression and lack of motivation. Well I'm back and ready to write my heart out! 

So I have finally gotten up the energy to write about my wedding! After weeks and weeks of stressing and planning and stressing…it went really well! Honestly I feel like it could not have been better! My biggest concern was that somehow we would have hold ups at security, but besides the fact that one of my least favorite guards was working, everyone made it through without problems. My dress wasn’t even questioned! I chose to wear a green knee length dress with a black lace pattern and a blag shrug. I actually found my flowers at a supermarket for $10. They were large white with pink center Gerbera Daisies. My sister secured them with a green ribbon to match my dress. Beats the $60 bucks the florist wanted for the same thing!

We stayed the night at a hotel before and after the wedding and it was a great idea because I was exhausted and needed that nice relaxing sleep and dip in the hot tub. My family went out of their way to do so many nice things for me to make me feel special. It genuinely touched my heart. I guess I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be that excited since something could go wrong and it wasn’t a “real wedding” but then I realized I deserved to be excited and happy. It was the day before my wedding for goodness sakes! My sister had wedding balloons in the hotel room, an itinerary with my husband and my picture on it and our schedule for the next couple days and a nice card with $20 for the vending machines at the prison in it. My mother did so much for me as well I can’t even begin to thank her, especially since she was so sick and had a lot going on at work that week. His family made a great effort to show me love and support as well.
The Chaplain met us at security and was very nice and welcoming. The ceremony was great. I love my husband so much! The minute I walked inside the visiting room and saw him sitting there like 30 feet away I began bawling. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole ceremony and either could he. I loved being able to hold his hand and stare into his eyes the whole time. We brought our own pastor and she was so great and made the ceremony so special. My mother, sister, his dad, and brother were in attendance and it went off without a hitch. We were allowed a camera in and my sister took some great pics!
It felt so natural to marry the man that holds my heart. So right. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I said “I do” to him. He told me I looked beautiful and he looked so utterly handsome and sexy. That man gives me butterflies every time I see him. We got a visit afterwards, but some sort of emergency cut it short. It actually worked out for the best, because then I got to come back the next day to finish the visit. Two days in a row yay! Sorry this has been so long. I am all over the place, but I honestly and truly believed 100% that I was making the right decision for me marrying my husband. He holds my heart and always will. The day was one of the best of my life and I am so utterly happy. We had a phone “date night” the day after our wedding lol. Yes I have been dealing with the post prison wedding blues, but I’m hanging in there. No money on the phone now, but just writing a lot! Can’t wait to see him next week. Last visit he kept touching my ring and smiling. He loves his! Thanks all for reading!