How Do We keep Our Hope?

Isaac's incarceration is wearing on me I will admit it. I am tired, very tired. I want the life I see in my head, and the reality of the situation is, it just isn't time for that life yet. For some this is temporary, for other's this will always be their life. That is another reality that must be realized. Our loved ones are all serving different sentences some with an end in sight some without. How do we keep our hope?

I used to think if I wrote enough and visited enough and did everything a good prison wife does that I could keep the light of hope burning, but I soon realized that hope is indeed not entirely external, in fact it is very internal. We have to want to hope that things will one day get better or the status quo will even out or we will be satisfied with what we make of our lives. Prison puts a damper on life. It can deaden our loved ones hopes and dreams, even their soul. It can do the same to those of us on the outside. How do we protect ourselves against a loss of hope in the face of incarceration? I had some very dark days in the beginning of my husband's jail time and subsequent prison time. I lost all interest in activities in things around me and I lost hope because in my eyes his sentence was long and I never thought I would survive it. You see that is another point I want to make. Hope is about survival. you survive the pain, the haziness, the unknowing, the disappointments and the loneliness. Our hope lies in our loved ones. Our hope then becomes externally based on a living, breathing being that counts on us to an extent for their own hope. Sometimes we have to hope for them when they cannot see then end in sight. 

So to bring things to a close I am feeling tired, a little hopeless, but not void of hope because when I do not hold my own hope, my husband holds mine for me until I am ready to myself again. Hope can come from our families, our children, our pets, our friends, our work, our activities, but it has to come, it has to be there for this sort of relationship to survive. So hope on, I will try my best, even in the wake of just wanting "normalcy," I will draw my strength and hope from within myself and from Isaac and I will use it to remind myself that whatever the circumstances it's loss would be more detrimental than anything. 

When The Clock Stopped

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen asleep in my life, that I'm constantly waiting for something. Waiting to lose weight, waiting to feel more attractive, waiting to make more money, and of course waiting for my husband to be released from prison. There are times in my life, things from my past, unpleasant memories that I want to forget. I realize that most often that is what I want..to forget, to sleep in the presence of pain. To pretend like Isaac never went to prison, that are life is as we want it to be now.

I write sometimes to express some things that I will never verbalize to a soul in my daily life. I write to release and I write so people know that they are not alone. Incarceration, loneliness, depression, life stressors exist for so many. I feel rather lost right now because I exist always in the space of absence. Part of me has kept myself that way to protect myself from unpleasant things in my life, but it keeps me from living life as well.

One of the biggest concerns from prison wives is that they feel as though their lives have been put on hold while their loved one is away. That life had to stop at a specific date...his arrest or maybe his sentencing. That is when the clock stopped. When did the clock stop for you?

In some ways I live my life, I live for every day and I do not let my husband's imprisonment stop me from living. I go to work. I socialize, I do activities. On the other hand, there are definitely things that I refrain from doing. There are parts of my routine that are tailored around my husband's incarceration. Sometimes that has to be the way things are. You have to schedule time in for visits and phone calls, etc...Right now at 6am I am trying to figure out if I have enough money for his commissary order this time. It is rather large! I hate feeling stuck, but there is nowhere to go but up. We have to be dedicated in this life, if we are half-assed prison wives for lack of a better word, we are missing our hearts. We have left the whole thing with him. That is not a way to live.

Sick and Tired

Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing better than I am. I have a bad cold and had to do a half day at work today. I have been sick for almost 10 days and have just had it with feeling crappy. I probably should have stayed home from visiting my husband this past weekend, but I am glad I got to see him. I just hope I didn't get him sick.

I'm feeling down on myself because all I can really do is rest up and chores and housework and errands are piling up at home. I just don't have the energy physically. I am so completely spent. I emailed my husband today asking him to call me even though we had planned on tomorrow to talk, but he called today and I was glad we got to speak. We both expressed the sentiment that we wish he was home with me. All he wants to do is be able to be there for me and to take care of me when I need a helping hand. I could really use a helping hand about now.

It seems the closer we get to his out date, the more intense the longing for him to be home gets. I never thought I would see his time under 4 years, but now here we are under 2 not even counting his time cut! That is amazing. It is amazing, but still a ways away. I love my husband so much. I just want this leg of our life journey to begin! I am chomping at the bit!

I need to realize though that I have to prioritize some things in my life, such as my current health situation, work, my sister's wedding, my own emotional health. I should take time to focus on these things instead of sitting around longing for him to be home and for things to be different. Yes right now I am sick and tired, but perhaps with the will tomorrow I will be productive and engaged in life. That might be helped along by me going to bed early tonight lol! I need my rest. I know I worry my husband, so why not focus less on his time and more on ways I can lesson his stress in relation to worrying about me? I think that is a fabulous idea! We have also kind of fell out of writing snail mail. We email and do videograms, but we have just stopped writing letters. I miss those! I used to wait eagerly to check the mailbox. I have hundreds upon hundreds of letters in shoe boxes. I think writing more should be a goal as well. Mail call is everything to them and I want my husband to feel loved...well I am headed to bed. I think I will end my sick ramblings now :-)

Husband Knows Best?

Isaac has a lot of strong opinions on life, especially on our life. One of these surrounds my health and habits. I am diabetic and have had some subsequent health issues in relation to that. I spent last night in the ER with chest pain. The doctors were worried I might have a blood clot from recent traveling. I could hear in his voice he was scared to death about my health and I hated that. I don't want my husband to constantly worry.

Long story short, I did not have a blood clot, but my health remains risky. We always talk about wanting to have children, but I would really need to get my health in order for that to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging. Then I think what reason would I have to do this? Essentially I am cutting down the years I have to spend with my husband and we have a lot of catch up to play. Why can't I just eat healthier? Why can't I exercise regularly? Why can't I value my life because it seems like my husband values it more?

I could say that his incarceration has brought a lot of stress, because it has. But that is no excuse to eat whatever and to become a sloth. I was sick with no symptoms before he got locked up, so to say it is stress, could maybe be a half truth. I have definitely learned to handle the stress of having an incarcerated loved one better, yet my health remains poor. Incarceration takes a toll on loved ones I think that is very often unseen. We grieve silently, we feel shame and guilt hidden behind happy masks. It is taken out on our body, lashing us, beating us into submission and perhaps the only thing to do is to fight back.

Doing things that take up time is always recommended when your loved one is away. Why not rebuild your mind and body? Why not create a different perspective on life? There is always this theory that life has to stop when your husband goes away, but in fact Isaac has been trying to shoe me forward this whole time. Maybe he does know best in this case? I mean yes my health is important, but I also want to look my best for when he comes home as well. I also know I am going to need some stress relief habits for when I am dealing with him with parole fees and appointments, etc...

Anyway I think I have fought Isaac knowing best because I wanted to be right and because quite frankly I am in denial of my health being bad. NOW is the time to act. We lose so much time to incarceration. Why lose time to poor health or any other habit that is holding us back?

Directions

Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted last. Since I began full-time work, a lot of the things I did in my free time have gone by the wayside. I have been thinking about directions lately. The direction life takes you in, the direction of future plans, the direction of this blog. I have been toying around with maybe changing up the style of it. Now I basically rely on more of a narrative format, but maybe it is time to mix in a little more practicality surrounding being a prison wife or the loved one of someone incarcerated. I know there are a lot of people out there living this life alone and surrounded by guilt, shame, and secrecy. My first goal has always been to support and I recently got an email from an individual saying my blog reminded her that she is in fact not alone on this journey. I welcome questions, ideas for posts, advice, etc..and would love to gear my blog in a direction that will be helpful to as many people as possible.

I do believe just narrating my experience does help people, but I think I want to add some other elements. Obviously being a prison wife is not the only thing I am. I am just throwing some ideas around, but I definitely want to take more time to update my blog. I enjoy it thoroughly.

Just to let everyone know a little update, my husband and I are doing really great! We just celebrated two years of marriage and are going strong. He know has under two years left on his sentence and we are gearing a lot more towards the logistics of him coming home. He is so sweet and showered me with presents and cards for Valentine's Day. We got a 3 hour visit that day, which was amazing and we just kind of take things a day at a time. We are struggling using too much money for the phone, but we all know that is a common struggle for most couples. He is doing great in his program and is in the next to last phase to completing it. I am very proud of him!

I would love to connect with anyone who needs support or just to chat about shared experience so feel free to comment or email me!

Some Updates

Isaac got a job! Yay! Finally he has one, he has been trying for a job, or a program, ANYTHING for months now and he let me know he got a job running the ranges. He basically brings supplies, hands out things, etc...to the guys in their cells on certain ranges. It gets him out of his cell for the majority of the day and gives him less time to think so much and stew. I think it is great! After day one he said he was so sore and was like "this is not what I signed up for." I told him how proud I was of him and to keep up the good work and that it will get easier with time.

At the same time Isaac got his job I started working out at a gym. I have not worked out in many months, and this was my first time getting a fitness assessment and have a work out plan set up for me. This gym is huge!!! I am used to riding my little old exercise bike in my living room. I have to say I am a bit intimidated, but I have gone 3 days now ( I am starting with 2-3 days a week) and I have to say I feel good. At first all I felt was incredibly sore, but after tonight's workout I felt the endorphins kick in, my mood was better, and I was suddenly out of the funk I had been in all day. I am really glad I went. This place is amazing and has everything, but I am determined to start slow so I don't fizzle out. The only down side is I have to drive 25 mins to get there and gas money is tight. Also if the weather is bad, you might as well forget it around here. You are stuck where you are at, but Spring will be here soon and I will be able to go more often.

I am pretty much broke as a joke right now, so there is no money on the phone. I hate not being able to hear his voice on a regular basis, but I got the sweetest videogram from him this morning. It made me feel so much better. Just seeing his face makes me love him more. I really want to attempt another video visit, but our first two were such disasters that I'm afraid to even waste the $10. I so so so so hope I can pull the money together though to visit him Friday for Valentine's Day. It is our one year wedding anniversary and all those great memories of marrying Isaac keep coming flooding back. All those months I tried to get everything straight for the wedding. His nervous face. The tears that flooded both our eyes. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I need to keep busy tomorrow. Laundry, dishes, paying some bills, writing to my love of course. I don't work tomorrow so I need to remind myself laying in bed for half the day is not an option. I have managed to send Isaac 10 Valentine's Day/Anniversary cards, two Flikshops, a videogram, some jpay emails, a ton of pictures, and a letter almost every day, so I hope he feels the mail love! He has sent me several cards and letters so I am definitely feeling it too. I love Isaac so dearly, we are just under the halfway point and are hoping with all our hearts, that we can find a way to bring him home early. We all need him. I need him.

Early Morning Calls and Such

My husband is like my alarm clock. Half the time I think his ringtone is my alarm clock. He calls very early in the morning which is when he has rec. It is about 6:30-7am. It is amazing how quickly I can go from solidly asleep to wide awake in seconds. His calls usually set the tone for our days and we had a great one this morning. We talked about how our days were yesterday and he pledged to get more sleep and I am going to exercise. We are excited because our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up on Valentine's Day. I have been trying really hard to get cards out to him, a few Flikshops and some letters so he feels very special on our day. I also hope to make the 3 hour trek there on V-day if this ridiculous winter weather allows.

We are trying really hard to listen to each other and to respond according to the other's needs. Isaac has an interview coming up for a detail job and he is really excited. I hope he get's it! He was really disappointment when he didn't get into the spiritual based life skills program that he interviewed for like 5 months ago. I think he could have really benefited from that program.

I still feel guilty though. I get to get back into my warm comfortable bed if I want to and go back to sleep for a little while longer, and then get up and shower when I desire and for however long I desire. I know it is natural to feel for your partner, but then I must remember he is busy paying his "debt to society." I can have compassion for him, but I can't feel bad for living, for carrying out my life. That is a hard distinction to make and I feel bad all the time, but I know deep down I shouldn't. He has ordering for commissary soon and I am as usual strapped for cash and I always feel horrible when I can't give him what I FEEL is an acceptable amount, but he always assures me whatever is fine, even if it is nothing, but I am always left feeling like a failure. I am for the most part his only financial support, really his only support in general and I want to make things as comfortable for him as possible while he is serving his time. I think what it comes down to is not that I think he needs to live like a king while in, but that prison can kill your spirit, especially if you feel a lack of support and I need him and his spirit when he gets out so we can begin a whole new chapter in our lives.

Well I went off on a tangent there. Anyway about to start my day. I am going to attempt to get my car out of the shop, exercise and do some cleaning. Hopefully I will be back on later today!

Lazy Days of Thinking

I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.

I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.

It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.

Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years??  People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.

Great Visit!

At the last minute, my father-in-law, brother-in-law, and myself decided to visit my husband this past Wednesday. At first I was frazzled to be going so soon because I had planned on going Saturday, but I started to get really excited to see my husband. It had been two weeks since we had last visited. I drove the 6 hour round trip myself as his brother and dad slept the whole time, giving me way too much time to think. I hate that frantic feeling I get when leaving a visit. It is like I don't know what to do, say, or feel. Everything feels all twisted inside and I have all this excess energy. My mind runs a million miles a minute. It never gets easier to leave Isaac at that place.

Anyway it was a really good visit! We laughed and joked a lot! I just melt every time he smiles. He used to never smile or laugh and now he does all the time. It brings me such happiness to know that he can still keep a sense of humor while being in prison. We didn't have any arguments and it was just such a nice relaxed time over a couple sodas and a hot pocket stuffed with Cheetos :-) The guards working were all very respectful and nice and I didn't have to wait long to get in to see him. It feels so natural and so comfortable to be with him, and so it makes me miss him that much more when I have to leave. It is hard to have a husband but not "have" a husband. His absence is like a hole in my heart, and every time I see him, it brings me great joy, yet great sorrow. Like I said it was a great visit, and he had a really good visit with his father and brother also.

I feel a sense of peace more these days in regards to my marriage. We were having a very rocky time in terms of lots of arguments and feeling sad and depressed and lost. We got into one very hurtful arguments that sent me into a downward spiral for days. I felt torn about our relationship. I wondered if we really ever understood each other like I thought we did. Isaac was having all these doubts and crazy thoughts that I couldn't stay faithful to him out here, or that I was up to no good in some way. The time had started to get to him, and he is on 23 lock down, so he is couped up in his cell all day long. He has been making a really big effort to stop the negative thoughts when they come up. I told him that he needs to try and relax and to be happy that he has a good woman waiting for him here at home who has promised to stand by his side. He is not alone or forgotten. I am always with him and will be always with him.

Back to the visit now. On the way home I did a lot of thinking. I was so happy to have seen Isaac and to have had a wonderful visit. I feel like it is enough to sustain me until the next time I see him. I was having a rough couple of days prior to the visit and to have him just sit and listen to my thoughts and feelings made me feel so much better. I love that man so much. I can't wait until our next visit. I will never be comfortable with this lifestyle believe me. I will never get used to it, even though I at least get more acclimated to it, but I feel more of a contentment with my marriage and my relationship. I know that Isaac is the love of my life. I know it. That fact alone, is enough to continue to keep my promise to stand by his side.