When The Clock Stopped

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen asleep in my life, that I'm constantly waiting for something. Waiting to lose weight, waiting to feel more attractive, waiting to make more money, and of course waiting for my husband to be released from prison. There are times in my life, things from my past, unpleasant memories that I want to forget. I realize that most often that is what I want..to forget, to sleep in the presence of pain. To pretend like Isaac never went to prison, that are life is as we want it to be now.

I write sometimes to express some things that I will never verbalize to a soul in my daily life. I write to release and I write so people know that they are not alone. Incarceration, loneliness, depression, life stressors exist for so many. I feel rather lost right now because I exist always in the space of absence. Part of me has kept myself that way to protect myself from unpleasant things in my life, but it keeps me from living life as well.

One of the biggest concerns from prison wives is that they feel as though their lives have been put on hold while their loved one is away. That life had to stop at a specific date...his arrest or maybe his sentencing. That is when the clock stopped. When did the clock stop for you?

In some ways I live my life, I live for every day and I do not let my husband's imprisonment stop me from living. I go to work. I socialize, I do activities. On the other hand, there are definitely things that I refrain from doing. There are parts of my routine that are tailored around my husband's incarceration. Sometimes that has to be the way things are. You have to schedule time in for visits and phone calls, etc...Right now at 6am I am trying to figure out if I have enough money for his commissary order this time. It is rather large! I hate feeling stuck, but there is nowhere to go but up. We have to be dedicated in this life, if we are half-assed prison wives for lack of a better word, we are missing our hearts. We have left the whole thing with him. That is not a way to live.