How Do We keep Our Hope?

Isaac's incarceration is wearing on me I will admit it. I am tired, very tired. I want the life I see in my head, and the reality of the situation is, it just isn't time for that life yet. For some this is temporary, for other's this will always be their life. That is another reality that must be realized. Our loved ones are all serving different sentences some with an end in sight some without. How do we keep our hope?

I used to think if I wrote enough and visited enough and did everything a good prison wife does that I could keep the light of hope burning, but I soon realized that hope is indeed not entirely external, in fact it is very internal. We have to want to hope that things will one day get better or the status quo will even out or we will be satisfied with what we make of our lives. Prison puts a damper on life. It can deaden our loved ones hopes and dreams, even their soul. It can do the same to those of us on the outside. How do we protect ourselves against a loss of hope in the face of incarceration? I had some very dark days in the beginning of my husband's jail time and subsequent prison time. I lost all interest in activities in things around me and I lost hope because in my eyes his sentence was long and I never thought I would survive it. You see that is another point I want to make. Hope is about survival. you survive the pain, the haziness, the unknowing, the disappointments and the loneliness. Our hope lies in our loved ones. Our hope then becomes externally based on a living, breathing being that counts on us to an extent for their own hope. Sometimes we have to hope for them when they cannot see then end in sight. 

So to bring things to a close I am feeling tired, a little hopeless, but not void of hope because when I do not hold my own hope, my husband holds mine for me until I am ready to myself again. Hope can come from our families, our children, our pets, our friends, our work, our activities, but it has to come, it has to be there for this sort of relationship to survive. So hope on, I will try my best, even in the wake of just wanting "normalcy," I will draw my strength and hope from within myself and from Isaac and I will use it to remind myself that whatever the circumstances it's loss would be more detrimental than anything. 

When The Clock Stopped

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen asleep in my life, that I'm constantly waiting for something. Waiting to lose weight, waiting to feel more attractive, waiting to make more money, and of course waiting for my husband to be released from prison. There are times in my life, things from my past, unpleasant memories that I want to forget. I realize that most often that is what I want..to forget, to sleep in the presence of pain. To pretend like Isaac never went to prison, that are life is as we want it to be now.

I write sometimes to express some things that I will never verbalize to a soul in my daily life. I write to release and I write so people know that they are not alone. Incarceration, loneliness, depression, life stressors exist for so many. I feel rather lost right now because I exist always in the space of absence. Part of me has kept myself that way to protect myself from unpleasant things in my life, but it keeps me from living life as well.

One of the biggest concerns from prison wives is that they feel as though their lives have been put on hold while their loved one is away. That life had to stop at a specific date...his arrest or maybe his sentencing. That is when the clock stopped. When did the clock stop for you?

In some ways I live my life, I live for every day and I do not let my husband's imprisonment stop me from living. I go to work. I socialize, I do activities. On the other hand, there are definitely things that I refrain from doing. There are parts of my routine that are tailored around my husband's incarceration. Sometimes that has to be the way things are. You have to schedule time in for visits and phone calls, etc...Right now at 6am I am trying to figure out if I have enough money for his commissary order this time. It is rather large! I hate feeling stuck, but there is nowhere to go but up. We have to be dedicated in this life, if we are half-assed prison wives for lack of a better word, we are missing our hearts. We have left the whole thing with him. That is not a way to live.

Sick and Tired

Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing better than I am. I have a bad cold and had to do a half day at work today. I have been sick for almost 10 days and have just had it with feeling crappy. I probably should have stayed home from visiting my husband this past weekend, but I am glad I got to see him. I just hope I didn't get him sick.

I'm feeling down on myself because all I can really do is rest up and chores and housework and errands are piling up at home. I just don't have the energy physically. I am so completely spent. I emailed my husband today asking him to call me even though we had planned on tomorrow to talk, but he called today and I was glad we got to speak. We both expressed the sentiment that we wish he was home with me. All he wants to do is be able to be there for me and to take care of me when I need a helping hand. I could really use a helping hand about now.

It seems the closer we get to his out date, the more intense the longing for him to be home gets. I never thought I would see his time under 4 years, but now here we are under 2 not even counting his time cut! That is amazing. It is amazing, but still a ways away. I love my husband so much. I just want this leg of our life journey to begin! I am chomping at the bit!

I need to realize though that I have to prioritize some things in my life, such as my current health situation, work, my sister's wedding, my own emotional health. I should take time to focus on these things instead of sitting around longing for him to be home and for things to be different. Yes right now I am sick and tired, but perhaps with the will tomorrow I will be productive and engaged in life. That might be helped along by me going to bed early tonight lol! I need my rest. I know I worry my husband, so why not focus less on his time and more on ways I can lesson his stress in relation to worrying about me? I think that is a fabulous idea! We have also kind of fell out of writing snail mail. We email and do videograms, but we have just stopped writing letters. I miss those! I used to wait eagerly to check the mailbox. I have hundreds upon hundreds of letters in shoe boxes. I think writing more should be a goal as well. Mail call is everything to them and I want my husband to feel loved...well I am headed to bed. I think I will end my sick ramblings now :-)

Husband Knows Best?

Isaac has a lot of strong opinions on life, especially on our life. One of these surrounds my health and habits. I am diabetic and have had some subsequent health issues in relation to that. I spent last night in the ER with chest pain. The doctors were worried I might have a blood clot from recent traveling. I could hear in his voice he was scared to death about my health and I hated that. I don't want my husband to constantly worry.

Long story short, I did not have a blood clot, but my health remains risky. We always talk about wanting to have children, but I would really need to get my health in order for that to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging. Then I think what reason would I have to do this? Essentially I am cutting down the years I have to spend with my husband and we have a lot of catch up to play. Why can't I just eat healthier? Why can't I exercise regularly? Why can't I value my life because it seems like my husband values it more?

I could say that his incarceration has brought a lot of stress, because it has. But that is no excuse to eat whatever and to become a sloth. I was sick with no symptoms before he got locked up, so to say it is stress, could maybe be a half truth. I have definitely learned to handle the stress of having an incarcerated loved one better, yet my health remains poor. Incarceration takes a toll on loved ones I think that is very often unseen. We grieve silently, we feel shame and guilt hidden behind happy masks. It is taken out on our body, lashing us, beating us into submission and perhaps the only thing to do is to fight back.

Doing things that take up time is always recommended when your loved one is away. Why not rebuild your mind and body? Why not create a different perspective on life? There is always this theory that life has to stop when your husband goes away, but in fact Isaac has been trying to shoe me forward this whole time. Maybe he does know best in this case? I mean yes my health is important, but I also want to look my best for when he comes home as well. I also know I am going to need some stress relief habits for when I am dealing with him with parole fees and appointments, etc...

Anyway I think I have fought Isaac knowing best because I wanted to be right and because quite frankly I am in denial of my health being bad. NOW is the time to act. We lose so much time to incarceration. Why lose time to poor health or any other habit that is holding us back?

Directions

Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted last. Since I began full-time work, a lot of the things I did in my free time have gone by the wayside. I have been thinking about directions lately. The direction life takes you in, the direction of future plans, the direction of this blog. I have been toying around with maybe changing up the style of it. Now I basically rely on more of a narrative format, but maybe it is time to mix in a little more practicality surrounding being a prison wife or the loved one of someone incarcerated. I know there are a lot of people out there living this life alone and surrounded by guilt, shame, and secrecy. My first goal has always been to support and I recently got an email from an individual saying my blog reminded her that she is in fact not alone on this journey. I welcome questions, ideas for posts, advice, etc..and would love to gear my blog in a direction that will be helpful to as many people as possible.

I do believe just narrating my experience does help people, but I think I want to add some other elements. Obviously being a prison wife is not the only thing I am. I am just throwing some ideas around, but I definitely want to take more time to update my blog. I enjoy it thoroughly.

Just to let everyone know a little update, my husband and I are doing really great! We just celebrated two years of marriage and are going strong. He know has under two years left on his sentence and we are gearing a lot more towards the logistics of him coming home. He is so sweet and showered me with presents and cards for Valentine's Day. We got a 3 hour visit that day, which was amazing and we just kind of take things a day at a time. We are struggling using too much money for the phone, but we all know that is a common struggle for most couples. He is doing great in his program and is in the next to last phase to completing it. I am very proud of him!

I would love to connect with anyone who needs support or just to chat about shared experience so feel free to comment or email me!

Reading My Blog? Please Follow!

Hi everyone! I know from my stats and numbers that quite a few of you out there read this blog and I am every so grateful and appreciative of that! I was just hoping that those of you who do read it on a regular basis will consider following my blog here on Google, or comment if you feel so inclined. I would love to get to know more of those who read this, and have input into how the blog is going. So, if you feel like it, I encourage you to follow my my blog openly or anonymously and encourage others to read it and/or follow it. This really isn't a request for more readers, although that is never a bad thing, I just really would like to get a better sense of who is reading this, who this is important to, and what people think! Thank you every one from the bottom of my heart!  I love being able to share my life and struggles with you all! Keep reading!

Holding On

I believe that ANY amount of time that a person has to serve is difficult for them and their loved ones. Yes there is a difference between waiting for someone serving a 1 year sentence and a 10 year sentence, but that feeling of standing still while life goes on can seem familiar to many alike. I think questioning whether you are strong enough or able enough, or even WANT to do this journey is a good thing. Sometimes on the prison support websites, you see people fading, growing apart, couples not being who they thought they were too each other anymore. People jumping in head first without giving it much thought. I think this fear of losing grip, of not being able to hold on any longer is huge for prison wives. I believe that time can go as slow or as fast as you want it to. It all depends on how you spend your days, the ways you keep your mind and self busy, the tasks and goals you set out to meet. Everything plays into whether one can "handle" doing the waiting game, whether they can actually hold on.

I have been at this about two years, and I think I have done a fairly good job of making it through thus far, but I could definitely stand to do a better job. I do not structure my time well enough and I often times find myself bored and the days dragging. I am currently not working, so I have huge chunks of time that are not filled with anything. At first I was distraught over not being able to work for this period of time, but then I realized that this is my time, my opportunity to start planning our future, and most importantly work on myself to get my mind, heart, and body ready for Isaac to come home. There are logistics that need to be worked out, etc...All these things can help me have purpose, help keep me busy. The only problem is, I am lacking in motivation. In all honesty, I miss my husband terribly, all I want to do is sleep and eat all day. We can't talk on the phone regularly and their is another week until our next visit. It is in these lagging periods, these reprieves, that I wonder if I am capable of holding on. I think of all the stress that Isaac's incarceration has caused us both. and it tears me up. I feel like I look like I have aged 5 years. I know I have the strength to carry on in this journey, but carrying on has a price attached to it.

Isaac and I want to have children for example. He is a little bit younger than me, so it is always me worrying about whether we will be able to get pregnant when he gets out. My biological clock is ticking and he still has over 3 years left! Then I ask myself, is it still worth holding on for if I possibly give up my desire to have children in order to wait for him to get out of prison? I don't know. The lack of sex and physical intimacy for me at least does not make it that hard to keep on keeping on, but to many it is a huge issue, one that can tear prison relationships apart. There are so many issues at work when considering whether a prison marriage for example will last.

Isaac and I are pretty solid and the time has gone by quite quickly most times. I hold on because holding on is what I have always done in my life, sometimes to my detriment, but it speaks to my perseverance. Living this life of a prison wife really is not for everyone. There has to be a commitment made to one's self, but also a promise, that if this isn't working out for you, that you will decide to let go.

Checking In

I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would check in and let people know how things are going. On one hand, nothing really seems new, and on the other hand, many things seem to have changed. Isaac and I keep having these rough patches where we don't see eye to eye and we argue all the time over stupid things. Then there is the fact that I go day to day almost content that I am waiting for him, and that that is just what I have to do in order to one day have my husband home with me.

Sometimes I feel so detached from Isaac. It is like on one hand we are married and I feel that so intensely inside myself, but then sometimes it seems like such a foreign concept since he is not here with me and we barely get to talk on the phone and have such short visits. I don't know how to balance my feelings. I miss him so much, but it just sucks that every time we talk we argue. I mean we are doing somewhat better and manage to end the convos on a good note, but I feel let down when he calls and I get all excited to answer and then he comes at me with stupid stuff. IDK. I am trying to keep busy, and am just frustrated with life in general. Money is always an issue and there is never enough of it. I worry about it all the time and I feel bad I can't give Isaac all that he needs in there as his wife. He says it doesn't matter, but I still feel bad. UGH I want my husband laying here next to me as it storms outside. I want to feel his love and his safety and I want to be able to breathe.

My car has been acting up which is a big worry for me because I rely on it to make the trip for visits, and to get me around in general. I don't have money for a new car. That's just a fact. I'm struggling with my weight and eating habits, my health, and just sheer laziness. For some reason I have become obsessed with appearance. I have started fearing getting older, even though I am far from old. I don't know I just feel like I try and switch my focus from Isaac and all the stress related to his situation to myself, and I don't know if it necessarily helps. I should be focusing my energy on cleaning my apartment and getting out of the house. Instead I eat food that is bad for me and stay on Tumblr all day. Isaac thinks I should get a job, and believe me if that were something I could do at the moment I would, but he doesn't understand that there are a lot of things at play in terms of that area of my life at the moment. He keeps telling me to explain, but how do I explain the fact that I get panic attacks just thinking about going back to work and how they do not seem to be triggered by something and how they are very hard to stop? I guess I just need to stay positive and pray and hope for the best. Isaac always says hope for the best and prepare for the worst. A very good motto indeed.

Worries

I know my husband is a big boy. I know he can take care of himself. I know he knows how to survive in prison, but sometimes I just think of him in there and it absolutely breaks my heart. I feel scared. He always has to appear hard at any given moment. Emotion can be mistaken for weakness. He sits in a tiny cell alone for 23 hours a day. They don’t even let him go to church. He doesn’t buy extra food off of commissary so he can buy stamps to write me. We are not able to talk on the phone every day because I can’t afford it. He has no one that he feels he can really share his feelings with in there. He holds everything inside.

I know prison is not rehab or summer camp. I know this is where he must face punishment to hopefully get a chance at redemption. I worry about him everyday because I honestly have no concept of what he faces every day in there. Do they not say a sin is a sin? Who are we to judge the quality, the make up of a sin? Who are we to place a man in a cage like a beast until in punishing him, we strip him of the very humanity we accused him of lacking to begin with? 

Babe I know your fragile heart and I pray for your protection each and every day. I am confident you will find redemption along this journey, but until you do, know that I have not forgotten your kindness and your goodness, and your love, and your massive heart. I have not forgotten that you are a person, a human being, a man whose heart beats, who feels pain, and who seeks forgiveness in life just like the rest of us.

Peace

That day I saw the sun and moon in your eyes. I recognized would I could not remember. I became familiar with that which I had always known. I married the man that brings me to tears with his love. I had so much turmoil in my heart and in my soul prior to our marriage. I discussed the pit of depression that I had fallen into, the despair of knowing Isaac has quite a bit of time left on his sentence, and my doubts and fears. Truth be told there were some things about myself, my life, and my past that I had never told Isaac in the two years we had been together. I felt horrible for not confiding in him and trusting him to understand the things that haunt me and perplex me. I decided one day in a moment of desperation, a moment where I could no longer hold the breath inside my chest, the words inside my mouth, I spilled everything I wanted to tell Isaac. His reaction made me shed tears of relief and joy. He was understanding, caring, reassuring, and gentle with me. He told me that he doesn't judge me for the things that have happened in my life, that he loves me and that love does not have stipulations. I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Suddenly everything became clear. I no longer had doubts about getting married. I mean I was close to dreading our wedding and we fought so much that we almost called it off. I suggested a break and Isaac couldn't handle that idea. He didn't understand why it would be necessary since we were apart so much anyway and have such limited communication.

Our upcoming marriage became solid. It became a thing to hope for, to look forward to, to believe that it would make life that much better. My entire outlook on our relationship changed. I was suddenly filled with joy and faith in the union we had created. I finally felt at peace. Everything changed at the point after I let my demons loose in the presence of Isaac and he did not reject me. I love that man more than life itself. I love him like the ocean meets the sky, never ending and with such a fervor or passion I fear I may fall off the edge of the world.

Flash to a couple of weeks ago, and it is the day of my wedding. I have spent literally months preparing for this moment. Every detail I scrutinized, every scenario I had going through my head as to what could go wrong. In the end it was combined into one lovely blissful moment. The moment I walked in that visiting room and saw Isaac sitting in the small glass room at least 30 feet away, the tears began streaming down my face and sobs racked my chest. I was filled with such emotion and love at that moment. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. Isaac did as well. We had four family members present and tears glistened on their faces as well. It was a wonderful occasion. It felt so comfortable to become Isaac's wife. Staring into each other's eyes throughout the time I felt that same sense of peace wash over me. In the depths of my mind and soul, it was a perfect moment. We visited afterwards and the next day as husband and wife.

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I don't think I realized the extent of this when we first got engaged. I made a promise to stand by Isaac through anything and everything, to be his companion, to love and trust and learn to mediate between our differences. I am still learning the meaning of this concept. I think I will for the rest of my life. Our marriage has created pact between us, one bound by love and by compromise.

In the end the choice Isaac and I made to get married was a natural one. Our love feels natural and it always has, but I know longer doubt him, doubt our relationship, doubt my choices. Believe me this life is still not easy. It is hard as hell. I have horrible days sometimes, I have moments of despair, moments where I feel as though he will never come home, never be in my arms, never stand in front of me unhindered, but I know in my heart, that this time will pass away, this time will dissipate, and he will stand in front of me. Together we will no longer be pieces, but be whole. 

Finally The Wedding!

I must apologize to all for neglecting my blog for over two months. A lot has been going on in my life good and bad as well as in my relationship with Isaac. We had our ups and downs and life refused to pause for my stubborn depression and lack of motivation. Well I'm back and ready to write my heart out! 

So I have finally gotten up the energy to write about my wedding! After weeks and weeks of stressing and planning and stressing…it went really well! Honestly I feel like it could not have been better! My biggest concern was that somehow we would have hold ups at security, but besides the fact that one of my least favorite guards was working, everyone made it through without problems. My dress wasn’t even questioned! I chose to wear a green knee length dress with a black lace pattern and a blag shrug. I actually found my flowers at a supermarket for $10. They were large white with pink center Gerbera Daisies. My sister secured them with a green ribbon to match my dress. Beats the $60 bucks the florist wanted for the same thing!

We stayed the night at a hotel before and after the wedding and it was a great idea because I was exhausted and needed that nice relaxing sleep and dip in the hot tub. My family went out of their way to do so many nice things for me to make me feel special. It genuinely touched my heart. I guess I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be that excited since something could go wrong and it wasn’t a “real wedding” but then I realized I deserved to be excited and happy. It was the day before my wedding for goodness sakes! My sister had wedding balloons in the hotel room, an itinerary with my husband and my picture on it and our schedule for the next couple days and a nice card with $20 for the vending machines at the prison in it. My mother did so much for me as well I can’t even begin to thank her, especially since she was so sick and had a lot going on at work that week. His family made a great effort to show me love and support as well.
The Chaplain met us at security and was very nice and welcoming. The ceremony was great. I love my husband so much! The minute I walked inside the visiting room and saw him sitting there like 30 feet away I began bawling. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole ceremony and either could he. I loved being able to hold his hand and stare into his eyes the whole time. We brought our own pastor and she was so great and made the ceremony so special. My mother, sister, his dad, and brother were in attendance and it went off without a hitch. We were allowed a camera in and my sister took some great pics!
It felt so natural to marry the man that holds my heart. So right. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I said “I do” to him. He told me I looked beautiful and he looked so utterly handsome and sexy. That man gives me butterflies every time I see him. We got a visit afterwards, but some sort of emergency cut it short. It actually worked out for the best, because then I got to come back the next day to finish the visit. Two days in a row yay! Sorry this has been so long. I am all over the place, but I honestly and truly believed 100% that I was making the right decision for me marrying my husband. He holds my heart and always will. The day was one of the best of my life and I am so utterly happy. We had a phone “date night” the day after our wedding lol. Yes I have been dealing with the post prison wedding blues, but I’m hanging in there. No money on the phone now, but just writing a lot! Can’t wait to see him next week. Last visit he kept touching my ring and smiling. He loves his! Thanks all for reading!