Hey folks! I am doing pretty well! That last post was one I started quite a while ago and decided to publish. We are considering a modification for Isaac currently. He is now under 2 years left on his sentence and that is not even counting his upcoming time cut. I never thought I would see these days. It just comes to show that if you are able to be patient and wait, the clock has to inevitably wind down. I consulted a lawyer last week concerning the modification. I would have to retain him and then we would send out for information regarding his case. He said not to retain him until after Isaac has completed his program which he is only a couple months from doing.
Isaac and I are doing well. We still are struggling with writing snail mail, but we continue to send emails and videograms on the daily. I visit every weekend and pray every time that my car makes it! It has such high mileage now after years of driving to visit him. We talk about the future and I am getting ready to ask my landlord how she feels about him coming to live with me. I'm nervous as hell about that!
Work is going well for me. It is super busy, but I fight through the anxiety and the chaos and continue to be happy for myself that I am back to work. I am not perfect, but I try my hardest for my clients. I am still struggling to make more friends, and conjure up the energy to do more social activities. I volunteered to table at a event regarding the prison system on Saturday, visit Sunday morning hopefully, and a walk to help fight to end homelessness Sunday afternoon. A busy weekend right? Well I am off to get ready for work. I know I need to update this blog more often. As I always say, life gets in the way! Keep on fighting the fight!
Showing posts with label prison letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prison letters. Show all posts
Friday, April 17, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Sick and Tired
Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing better than I am. I have a bad cold and had to do a half day at work today. I have been sick for almost 10 days and have just had it with feeling crappy. I probably should have stayed home from visiting my husband this past weekend, but I am glad I got to see him. I just hope I didn't get him sick.
I'm feeling down on myself because all I can really do is rest up and chores and housework and errands are piling up at home. I just don't have the energy physically. I am so completely spent. I emailed my husband today asking him to call me even though we had planned on tomorrow to talk, but he called today and I was glad we got to speak. We both expressed the sentiment that we wish he was home with me. All he wants to do is be able to be there for me and to take care of me when I need a helping hand. I could really use a helping hand about now.
It seems the closer we get to his out date, the more intense the longing for him to be home gets. I never thought I would see his time under 4 years, but now here we are under 2 not even counting his time cut! That is amazing. It is amazing, but still a ways away. I love my husband so much. I just want this leg of our life journey to begin! I am chomping at the bit!
I need to realize though that I have to prioritize some things in my life, such as my current health situation, work, my sister's wedding, my own emotional health. I should take time to focus on these things instead of sitting around longing for him to be home and for things to be different. Yes right now I am sick and tired, but perhaps with the will tomorrow I will be productive and engaged in life. That might be helped along by me going to bed early tonight lol! I need my rest. I know I worry my husband, so why not focus less on his time and more on ways I can lesson his stress in relation to worrying about me? I think that is a fabulous idea! We have also kind of fell out of writing snail mail. We email and do videograms, but we have just stopped writing letters. I miss those! I used to wait eagerly to check the mailbox. I have hundreds upon hundreds of letters in shoe boxes. I think writing more should be a goal as well. Mail call is everything to them and I want my husband to feel loved...well I am headed to bed. I think I will end my sick ramblings now :-)
I'm feeling down on myself because all I can really do is rest up and chores and housework and errands are piling up at home. I just don't have the energy physically. I am so completely spent. I emailed my husband today asking him to call me even though we had planned on tomorrow to talk, but he called today and I was glad we got to speak. We both expressed the sentiment that we wish he was home with me. All he wants to do is be able to be there for me and to take care of me when I need a helping hand. I could really use a helping hand about now.
It seems the closer we get to his out date, the more intense the longing for him to be home gets. I never thought I would see his time under 4 years, but now here we are under 2 not even counting his time cut! That is amazing. It is amazing, but still a ways away. I love my husband so much. I just want this leg of our life journey to begin! I am chomping at the bit!
I need to realize though that I have to prioritize some things in my life, such as my current health situation, work, my sister's wedding, my own emotional health. I should take time to focus on these things instead of sitting around longing for him to be home and for things to be different. Yes right now I am sick and tired, but perhaps with the will tomorrow I will be productive and engaged in life. That might be helped along by me going to bed early tonight lol! I need my rest. I know I worry my husband, so why not focus less on his time and more on ways I can lesson his stress in relation to worrying about me? I think that is a fabulous idea! We have also kind of fell out of writing snail mail. We email and do videograms, but we have just stopped writing letters. I miss those! I used to wait eagerly to check the mailbox. I have hundreds upon hundreds of letters in shoe boxes. I think writing more should be a goal as well. Mail call is everything to them and I want my husband to feel loved...well I am headed to bed. I think I will end my sick ramblings now :-)
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Missing In Action
Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted on here. I apologize to anyone who was reading my blog on a regular basis. Come back! I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I guess that is what life becomes sometimes: life. It takes us away from some of the things we love to do so that we can get other much needed things done.
My world is much the same yet also very different in many ways. On the 14th of this month, Isaac and I will have been married one year. That is exciting, but it really has been a tough year. We have such a great love for each other, which is never questioned, but at times we have a hard time seeing eye to eye. We have argued more times than I can count over petty issues I think because we are both so stubborn. I still struggle with health issues both depression/anxiety and diabetes and so Isaac has had to see me through a 10 day hospital stay and numerous procedures that were all diabetes related. He sits in that cell STILL about 22 hours a day on lockdown and thinks and worries and that eats me up. I hate that I make him so anxious. When I get into my depression lows, he has a hard time understanding why. I mean I am out here? I have my freedom! Often he can't recognize the triggers for it and often there are none. I have a chemical depression and sometimes things such as the winter months trigger it.
It's probably in my times of depression and hopelessness I miss him the most. I want our life to be moving along, but it feels like it has been at a standstill for 3 years. I think to myself "can I do this possibly for another 3?" Don't get me wrong I'm not throwing in the towel, but it is a daunting thought.
I have met some really great prison wives through social media and even a couple in person. It is their strength and their hope that helps keep my spirits up. Isaac doesn't always understand why I am so connected to social media, but often it is my outlet for issues related to his incarceration. My friends, although mostly supportive, do not understand all the challenges that come with this life. I don't feel quite so alone when I can connect with others in similar situations. I think slowly but surely he is starting to understand.
I have had a hard time keeping up with writing Isaac. We have Jpay emails, so I do those quite a bit, but my actual letter writing has dwindled to almost nothing and I feel bad about that. I know receiving mail means the world to him and all those guys. I read online somewhere that mail call is the highlight of all their days, they feel like stars by the amount of mail they get handed. But it is more than that. It is that I cannot take the time out of my day to write my husband a short letter? Part of it is writer's block and part;y I just feel like I have nothing exciting to tell him anymore. I need to get over that.
I also have been struggling with a MAJOR case of baby fever. I want to hurry up and start our family so badly. I think it is my age that gets to me. Each year a birthday passes I get more anxious. I am not a spring chicken. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but with my health issues, I fear that pregnancy issues could arise. I need to think differently. Instead of focusing on how we cannot start a family now, I should focus on getting my body baby ready, because lord knows it is not there.
Well these are just a couple of my early morning ramblings. I'm rather scattered because I have been up since 4:30am and I have a lot to get done today. I will definitely be back on here more frequently. I need to get my thoughts out. I need to write. I need to know I am not alone in this journey.
My world is much the same yet also very different in many ways. On the 14th of this month, Isaac and I will have been married one year. That is exciting, but it really has been a tough year. We have such a great love for each other, which is never questioned, but at times we have a hard time seeing eye to eye. We have argued more times than I can count over petty issues I think because we are both so stubborn. I still struggle with health issues both depression/anxiety and diabetes and so Isaac has had to see me through a 10 day hospital stay and numerous procedures that were all diabetes related. He sits in that cell STILL about 22 hours a day on lockdown and thinks and worries and that eats me up. I hate that I make him so anxious. When I get into my depression lows, he has a hard time understanding why. I mean I am out here? I have my freedom! Often he can't recognize the triggers for it and often there are none. I have a chemical depression and sometimes things such as the winter months trigger it.
It's probably in my times of depression and hopelessness I miss him the most. I want our life to be moving along, but it feels like it has been at a standstill for 3 years. I think to myself "can I do this possibly for another 3?" Don't get me wrong I'm not throwing in the towel, but it is a daunting thought.
I have met some really great prison wives through social media and even a couple in person. It is their strength and their hope that helps keep my spirits up. Isaac doesn't always understand why I am so connected to social media, but often it is my outlet for issues related to his incarceration. My friends, although mostly supportive, do not understand all the challenges that come with this life. I don't feel quite so alone when I can connect with others in similar situations. I think slowly but surely he is starting to understand.
I have had a hard time keeping up with writing Isaac. We have Jpay emails, so I do those quite a bit, but my actual letter writing has dwindled to almost nothing and I feel bad about that. I know receiving mail means the world to him and all those guys. I read online somewhere that mail call is the highlight of all their days, they feel like stars by the amount of mail they get handed. But it is more than that. It is that I cannot take the time out of my day to write my husband a short letter? Part of it is writer's block and part;y I just feel like I have nothing exciting to tell him anymore. I need to get over that.
I also have been struggling with a MAJOR case of baby fever. I want to hurry up and start our family so badly. I think it is my age that gets to me. Each year a birthday passes I get more anxious. I am not a spring chicken. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but with my health issues, I fear that pregnancy issues could arise. I need to think differently. Instead of focusing on how we cannot start a family now, I should focus on getting my body baby ready, because lord knows it is not there.
Well these are just a couple of my early morning ramblings. I'm rather scattered because I have been up since 4:30am and I have a lot to get done today. I will definitely be back on here more frequently. I need to get my thoughts out. I need to write. I need to know I am not alone in this journey.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Lazy Days of Thinking
I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.
I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.
It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.
Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.
Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years?? People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.
I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.
It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.
Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.
Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years?? People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.
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