Some Updates

Isaac got a job! Yay! Finally he has one, he has been trying for a job, or a program, ANYTHING for months now and he let me know he got a job running the ranges. He basically brings supplies, hands out things, etc...to the guys in their cells on certain ranges. It gets him out of his cell for the majority of the day and gives him less time to think so much and stew. I think it is great! After day one he said he was so sore and was like "this is not what I signed up for." I told him how proud I was of him and to keep up the good work and that it will get easier with time.

At the same time Isaac got his job I started working out at a gym. I have not worked out in many months, and this was my first time getting a fitness assessment and have a work out plan set up for me. This gym is huge!!! I am used to riding my little old exercise bike in my living room. I have to say I am a bit intimidated, but I have gone 3 days now ( I am starting with 2-3 days a week) and I have to say I feel good. At first all I felt was incredibly sore, but after tonight's workout I felt the endorphins kick in, my mood was better, and I was suddenly out of the funk I had been in all day. I am really glad I went. This place is amazing and has everything, but I am determined to start slow so I don't fizzle out. The only down side is I have to drive 25 mins to get there and gas money is tight. Also if the weather is bad, you might as well forget it around here. You are stuck where you are at, but Spring will be here soon and I will be able to go more often.

I am pretty much broke as a joke right now, so there is no money on the phone. I hate not being able to hear his voice on a regular basis, but I got the sweetest videogram from him this morning. It made me feel so much better. Just seeing his face makes me love him more. I really want to attempt another video visit, but our first two were such disasters that I'm afraid to even waste the $10. I so so so so hope I can pull the money together though to visit him Friday for Valentine's Day. It is our one year wedding anniversary and all those great memories of marrying Isaac keep coming flooding back. All those months I tried to get everything straight for the wedding. His nervous face. The tears that flooded both our eyes. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I need to keep busy tomorrow. Laundry, dishes, paying some bills, writing to my love of course. I don't work tomorrow so I need to remind myself laying in bed for half the day is not an option. I have managed to send Isaac 10 Valentine's Day/Anniversary cards, two Flikshops, a videogram, some jpay emails, a ton of pictures, and a letter almost every day, so I hope he feels the mail love! He has sent me several cards and letters so I am definitely feeling it too. I love Isaac so dearly, we are just under the halfway point and are hoping with all our hearts, that we can find a way to bring him home early. We all need him. I need him.

Missing In Action

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted on here. I apologize to anyone who was reading my blog on a regular basis. Come back! I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I guess that is what life becomes sometimes: life. It takes us away from some of the things we love to do so that we can get other much needed things done.

My world is much the same yet also very different in many ways. On the 14th of this month, Isaac and I will have been married one year. That is exciting, but it really has been a tough year. We have such a great love for each other, which is never questioned, but at times we have a hard time seeing eye to eye. We have argued more times than I can count over petty issues I think because we are both so stubborn. I still struggle with health issues both depression/anxiety and diabetes and so Isaac has had to see me through a 10 day hospital stay and numerous procedures that were all diabetes related. He sits in that cell STILL about 22 hours a day on lockdown and thinks and worries and that eats me up. I hate that I make him so anxious. When I get into my depression lows, he has a hard time understanding why. I mean I am out here? I have my freedom! Often he can't recognize the triggers for it and often there are none. I have a chemical depression and sometimes things such as the winter months trigger it.

It's probably in my times of depression and hopelessness I miss him the most. I want our life to be moving along, but it feels like it has been at a standstill for 3 years. I think to myself "can I do this possibly for another 3?" Don't get me wrong I'm not throwing in the towel, but it is a daunting thought.

I have met some really great prison wives through social media and even a couple in person. It is their strength and their hope that helps keep my spirits up. Isaac doesn't always understand why I am so connected to social media, but often it is my outlet for issues related to his incarceration. My friends, although mostly supportive, do not understand all the challenges that come with this life. I don't feel quite so alone when I can connect with others in similar situations. I think slowly but surely he is starting to understand.

I have had a hard time keeping up with writing Isaac. We have Jpay emails, so I do those quite a bit, but my actual letter writing has dwindled to almost nothing and I feel bad about that. I know receiving mail means the world to him and all those guys. I read online somewhere that mail call is the highlight of all their days, they feel like stars by the amount of mail they get handed. But it is more than that. It is that I cannot take the time out of my day to write my husband a short letter? Part of it is writer's block and part;y I just feel like I have nothing exciting to tell him anymore. I need to get over that.

I also have been struggling with a MAJOR case of baby fever. I want to hurry up and start our family so badly. I think it is my age that gets to me. Each year a birthday passes I get more anxious. I am not a spring chicken. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but with my health issues, I fear that pregnancy issues could arise. I need to think differently. Instead of focusing on how we cannot start a family now, I should focus on getting my body baby ready, because lord knows it is not there.

Well these are just a couple of my early morning ramblings. I'm rather scattered because I have been up since 4:30am and I have a lot to get done today. I will definitely be back on here more frequently. I need to get my thoughts out. I need to write. I need to know I am not alone in this journey.

Lazy Days of Thinking

I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.

I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.

It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.

Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years??  People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.

Checking In

I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would check in and let people know how things are going. On one hand, nothing really seems new, and on the other hand, many things seem to have changed. Isaac and I keep having these rough patches where we don't see eye to eye and we argue all the time over stupid things. Then there is the fact that I go day to day almost content that I am waiting for him, and that that is just what I have to do in order to one day have my husband home with me.

Sometimes I feel so detached from Isaac. It is like on one hand we are married and I feel that so intensely inside myself, but then sometimes it seems like such a foreign concept since he is not here with me and we barely get to talk on the phone and have such short visits. I don't know how to balance my feelings. I miss him so much, but it just sucks that every time we talk we argue. I mean we are doing somewhat better and manage to end the convos on a good note, but I feel let down when he calls and I get all excited to answer and then he comes at me with stupid stuff. IDK. I am trying to keep busy, and am just frustrated with life in general. Money is always an issue and there is never enough of it. I worry about it all the time and I feel bad I can't give Isaac all that he needs in there as his wife. He says it doesn't matter, but I still feel bad. UGH I want my husband laying here next to me as it storms outside. I want to feel his love and his safety and I want to be able to breathe.

My car has been acting up which is a big worry for me because I rely on it to make the trip for visits, and to get me around in general. I don't have money for a new car. That's just a fact. I'm struggling with my weight and eating habits, my health, and just sheer laziness. For some reason I have become obsessed with appearance. I have started fearing getting older, even though I am far from old. I don't know I just feel like I try and switch my focus from Isaac and all the stress related to his situation to myself, and I don't know if it necessarily helps. I should be focusing my energy on cleaning my apartment and getting out of the house. Instead I eat food that is bad for me and stay on Tumblr all day. Isaac thinks I should get a job, and believe me if that were something I could do at the moment I would, but he doesn't understand that there are a lot of things at play in terms of that area of my life at the moment. He keeps telling me to explain, but how do I explain the fact that I get panic attacks just thinking about going back to work and how they do not seem to be triggered by something and how they are very hard to stop? I guess I just need to stay positive and pray and hope for the best. Isaac always says hope for the best and prepare for the worst. A very good motto indeed.

Finding a Routine

With Isaac in prison, one thing I really struggle with is finding some sort of routine in my life. Often times people's lives are defined and mandated by their career or job. It even sometimes fuels and defines their self-worth. Many prison wives say that working helps them take their minds off of their loved one being away, and makes the time go faster. I think this is part of my problem. I am not currently working. I am talking time to re-evaluate my life and what I want to do as a career. So here I am with ALL this free time on my hands, and I feel completely lost all day every day. I need to find ways to keep myself entertained and busy.

Isaac is always telling me that I need to get out of the house and I need to keep myself busy. "How?" I ask. I live in a relatively small area, there is basically very few activities available, and I find myself stuck in a constant state of boredom. The ironic thing is that because of my depression, I don't want to do anything, but I find myself going insane from boredom. I stare at the dishes that need to be done, but I never do them. I think about going to some sort of support group, but the nearest one is an hour away. Sometimes I feel like I am making excuses for not living my life while Isaac is away. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. Truth be told I had trouble living my life even when Isaac was not in prison. Sometimes the every day challenges are just too much to handle and I find myself isolating and trying to escape life.

So, I am really trying to get rid of the self-pity and create some sort of routine for myself. I need to start with the basics. It is very hard to make changes when you want to do everything now and quickly. That is the hardest thing for me. You would think I would have great amounts of patience in my life because of being a prison wife, but in fact I can be quite impatient. One thing at a time. Hey today I should feel triumphant because I got a letter out to Isaac and I am doing a months worth of laundry. I even took my mom's dog for a walk. If I could get some exercise in, I would feel a million times better. Soooo today if it is simply doing a few dishes and washing my face, then that is what it will be. If I can do a few things that turn into a routine, then I will feel accomplished. It truly does begin with baby steps.

Thoughts on Being Broken

This blog is dedicated to my life being married to a man that is incarcerated, but I also want to take some opportunities to talk about myself and my life and struggles in general. Stuff that is not always related to prison GASP! I have been having a lot of hard times lately and quite frankly have had a lot of struggles throughout my life. Right now I feel as though I am at some sort of crossroads and everything past, present, future are all slamming into each other. I feel and see all these directions to go, but have no idea how to decide which way to go. Isaac is supportive of me and all I do in life, but he doesn't always understand the things that I deal with, the thoughts that I have, the things that consume me at times. The fact of the matter is that I have been very broken for a very long time. Depression has overshadowed my 20's as well as impulsivity. I never thought anything through and let my emotions run my actions. I get confused and sad about the direction that my life has taken at points. I'm also proud of my accomplishments as well though. Sometimes I wonder how I can be in a relationship when I feel so messed up, but I can't deny the love we have for each other and the way we bring out the best in one another. A lot of my setbacks in life have to do with holding onto the past and an inability to get over my shortcomings and mistakes. There comes a point that you can't beat yourself up anymore and that you can't let fear guide you.You simply need to live.

Peace

That day I saw the sun and moon in your eyes. I recognized would I could not remember. I became familiar with that which I had always known. I married the man that brings me to tears with his love. I had so much turmoil in my heart and in my soul prior to our marriage. I discussed the pit of depression that I had fallen into, the despair of knowing Isaac has quite a bit of time left on his sentence, and my doubts and fears. Truth be told there were some things about myself, my life, and my past that I had never told Isaac in the two years we had been together. I felt horrible for not confiding in him and trusting him to understand the things that haunt me and perplex me. I decided one day in a moment of desperation, a moment where I could no longer hold the breath inside my chest, the words inside my mouth, I spilled everything I wanted to tell Isaac. His reaction made me shed tears of relief and joy. He was understanding, caring, reassuring, and gentle with me. He told me that he doesn't judge me for the things that have happened in my life, that he loves me and that love does not have stipulations. I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Suddenly everything became clear. I no longer had doubts about getting married. I mean I was close to dreading our wedding and we fought so much that we almost called it off. I suggested a break and Isaac couldn't handle that idea. He didn't understand why it would be necessary since we were apart so much anyway and have such limited communication.

Our upcoming marriage became solid. It became a thing to hope for, to look forward to, to believe that it would make life that much better. My entire outlook on our relationship changed. I was suddenly filled with joy and faith in the union we had created. I finally felt at peace. Everything changed at the point after I let my demons loose in the presence of Isaac and he did not reject me. I love that man more than life itself. I love him like the ocean meets the sky, never ending and with such a fervor or passion I fear I may fall off the edge of the world.

Flash to a couple of weeks ago, and it is the day of my wedding. I have spent literally months preparing for this moment. Every detail I scrutinized, every scenario I had going through my head as to what could go wrong. In the end it was combined into one lovely blissful moment. The moment I walked in that visiting room and saw Isaac sitting in the small glass room at least 30 feet away, the tears began streaming down my face and sobs racked my chest. I was filled with such emotion and love at that moment. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. Isaac did as well. We had four family members present and tears glistened on their faces as well. It was a wonderful occasion. It felt so comfortable to become Isaac's wife. Staring into each other's eyes throughout the time I felt that same sense of peace wash over me. In the depths of my mind and soul, it was a perfect moment. We visited afterwards and the next day as husband and wife.

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I don't think I realized the extent of this when we first got engaged. I made a promise to stand by Isaac through anything and everything, to be his companion, to love and trust and learn to mediate between our differences. I am still learning the meaning of this concept. I think I will for the rest of my life. Our marriage has created pact between us, one bound by love and by compromise.

In the end the choice Isaac and I made to get married was a natural one. Our love feels natural and it always has, but I know longer doubt him, doubt our relationship, doubt my choices. Believe me this life is still not easy. It is hard as hell. I have horrible days sometimes, I have moments of despair, moments where I feel as though he will never come home, never be in my arms, never stand in front of me unhindered, but I know in my heart, that this time will pass away, this time will dissipate, and he will stand in front of me. Together we will no longer be pieces, but be whole. 

Finally The Wedding!

I must apologize to all for neglecting my blog for over two months. A lot has been going on in my life good and bad as well as in my relationship with Isaac. We had our ups and downs and life refused to pause for my stubborn depression and lack of motivation. Well I'm back and ready to write my heart out! 

So I have finally gotten up the energy to write about my wedding! After weeks and weeks of stressing and planning and stressing…it went really well! Honestly I feel like it could not have been better! My biggest concern was that somehow we would have hold ups at security, but besides the fact that one of my least favorite guards was working, everyone made it through without problems. My dress wasn’t even questioned! I chose to wear a green knee length dress with a black lace pattern and a blag shrug. I actually found my flowers at a supermarket for $10. They were large white with pink center Gerbera Daisies. My sister secured them with a green ribbon to match my dress. Beats the $60 bucks the florist wanted for the same thing!

We stayed the night at a hotel before and after the wedding and it was a great idea because I was exhausted and needed that nice relaxing sleep and dip in the hot tub. My family went out of their way to do so many nice things for me to make me feel special. It genuinely touched my heart. I guess I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be that excited since something could go wrong and it wasn’t a “real wedding” but then I realized I deserved to be excited and happy. It was the day before my wedding for goodness sakes! My sister had wedding balloons in the hotel room, an itinerary with my husband and my picture on it and our schedule for the next couple days and a nice card with $20 for the vending machines at the prison in it. My mother did so much for me as well I can’t even begin to thank her, especially since she was so sick and had a lot going on at work that week. His family made a great effort to show me love and support as well.
The Chaplain met us at security and was very nice and welcoming. The ceremony was great. I love my husband so much! The minute I walked inside the visiting room and saw him sitting there like 30 feet away I began bawling. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole ceremony and either could he. I loved being able to hold his hand and stare into his eyes the whole time. We brought our own pastor and she was so great and made the ceremony so special. My mother, sister, his dad, and brother were in attendance and it went off without a hitch. We were allowed a camera in and my sister took some great pics!
It felt so natural to marry the man that holds my heart. So right. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I said “I do” to him. He told me I looked beautiful and he looked so utterly handsome and sexy. That man gives me butterflies every time I see him. We got a visit afterwards, but some sort of emergency cut it short. It actually worked out for the best, because then I got to come back the next day to finish the visit. Two days in a row yay! Sorry this has been so long. I am all over the place, but I honestly and truly believed 100% that I was making the right decision for me marrying my husband. He holds my heart and always will. The day was one of the best of my life and I am so utterly happy. We had a phone “date night” the day after our wedding lol. Yes I have been dealing with the post prison wedding blues, but I’m hanging in there. No money on the phone now, but just writing a lot! Can’t wait to see him next week. Last visit he kept touching my ring and smiling. He loves his! Thanks all for reading!

Sticking To What You Know

To be quite honest I am completely lost. I have not been blogging, well basically doing much of anything productive lately and have fallen into a pit of depression. I laid in my bed all morning fraught with fleeting thoughts, pictures of my life like puzzle pieces whizzing by. Is my future yet to be determined? Is it not what mistakes I am making, but how large are they? The usual questions surge through my head. Am I selling myself short? Will he change in the ways I hope for? Who is he really? Who am I? Is knowing someone really KNOWING someone? Trust is a figment of my imagination...and every other confusing thought that could possibly exist.

Isaac and I set a tentative date for our wedding. We plan to marry in February. That is two months away. It seems this action has sent me spiraling even more. You know this blog is not about sugar coating the hardships of having a loved one incarcerated, it is not about how love with necessarily carry us though, it is about the experience plain and simple. I seek to share all parts of it with my readers. The good, the bad, the ugly, the blessed, the happy, the sad.

What it seems to come down to is that I have a lot of challenges in my life. I feel broken in a sense, and what I have come to understand is that Isaac is very broken too. Our pasts haunt us remarkably and although love seeks to bury them, it is not always enough. Sometimes I do not even know if I am fit to be in a relationship, let alone one with these intricacies. Or maybe it is what the critics say? That those of us women who can't handle "real" or "complete" relationships find themselves "satisfied" in a prison relationship. Oh hell no...my mind really is going crazy. Every possible horrible, hurtful scenario I can think of in regards to Isaac and I is floating through my mind.

They say we only get one life right? Well if this is true, then I am inextricably fucking mine up. Sometimes I feel like life remains so hard even when I think I have caught some sort of break, but then I think to myself "does it have to be this hard?" Does it? Maybe it is the winter, maybe it is the darkness that surrounds us so much earlier, the haze of depression that this month brings for so many. When my thoughts get so jumbled I keep telling myself to stick to what I know, then I think to myself "what the hell do I know?" I am afraid to even bring all this up with Isaac because I know he has been so down too and this will just kick him down a little further to hear all the doubts swirling through my head, but then I think couples need to communicate, especially in a relationship such as this one. It is a must. We need to know what is going on with each other.

So I try to think about what do I know in my life. What are some central beliefs I have that I can stick to in this hard time. Let's go with the obvious. I love my fiance. No matter how strange, unconventional, or stupid it seems, I love him. Other things I know: I want to live a good life. I want my life to have mattered in this world. I want to be a good person. I don't want to live with so many regrets and I want to outlive my past. I want a partner who understands me and loves me regardless. Most of all I know I want to live in a state of peace. I want to take a deep breath, let it out, and say all is well with my soul.

Life Goes On

I am absolutely lost. It is as though my brain has been gutted and rewired, as though my sorrow has dropped down into my heart. Every day is wrought with confusion, doubt, questioning. There is no doubt that I am depressed, that I am anxious, that I am at my wits end, but the question is why? Why have I reached this place in my life and in my relationship?

I am not the only one having a hard time right now. Isaac is having down times as well. Today we talked for the first time in 5 days and I ruined the whole conversation by crying, sobs coming from my heaving chest. I tried to explain myself, but it just made things worse. The final straw was the fact that I told him I was feeling stressed about our wedding and needed some extra time to get everything together. He sounded so disappointed and upset. I felt horrible and all I was doing was trying to assert my needs.

Every day brings this heavy weight and this longing. I long for touch, for the proximity of love, for sex, for affection, for time spent together that never ends. the weight of the stigma, of people's ignorance weighs me down. I love Isaac, and I want Isaac, I just want him out here in the world with me. Every time I talk to him he apologizes profusely for the fact that he is away, but it doesn't matter. I don't need apologies, I need change, and action, I need the earth to spin faster, I need to look him in the face, I need to hash out a plan about how our future will be. I need intimacy not just physically, but of the soul. I need to get my brain all straightened out. What do I want out of this life? Where do I want to be? I feel that I lack progress and motivation, and I am so tired...so so tired. I hate this lifestyle, I tolerate it...barely.

Sometimes I even dare to wonder if this can be considered a real relationship. I can count the amount of time we spend together, the number of kisses we share, the times we touch. It is all measured and the memories of the past fade and become blurry sometimes. It feels like at times that the only Isaac I know is the one that is incarcerated. I can't even remember what he looks like in street clothes!

Gosh I love that man, so very much. He makes my insides melt, makes my heart remember why it beats. I am just struggling with remaining strong, with not feeling down all the time. I miss him incredibly. I don't know how I can keep this up for years? A relationship should fulfill me, should be a presence in my life. I know that this life is not ideal, that what occurs while Isaac is incarcerated is not all in my hands, that I must be patient and go with the flow. Maybe this is my plateau, one of those times where the weight of doing time with someone brings you down and you need to refresh yourself and your relationship. I miss him so much and I still feel slightly angry at him. I need and want him with me, but I must face reality. Life does go on. It always does.