How Do We keep Our Hope?

Isaac's incarceration is wearing on me I will admit it. I am tired, very tired. I want the life I see in my head, and the reality of the situation is, it just isn't time for that life yet. For some this is temporary, for other's this will always be their life. That is another reality that must be realized. Our loved ones are all serving different sentences some with an end in sight some without. How do we keep our hope?

I used to think if I wrote enough and visited enough and did everything a good prison wife does that I could keep the light of hope burning, but I soon realized that hope is indeed not entirely external, in fact it is very internal. We have to want to hope that things will one day get better or the status quo will even out or we will be satisfied with what we make of our lives. Prison puts a damper on life. It can deaden our loved ones hopes and dreams, even their soul. It can do the same to those of us on the outside. How do we protect ourselves against a loss of hope in the face of incarceration? I had some very dark days in the beginning of my husband's jail time and subsequent prison time. I lost all interest in activities in things around me and I lost hope because in my eyes his sentence was long and I never thought I would survive it. You see that is another point I want to make. Hope is about survival. you survive the pain, the haziness, the unknowing, the disappointments and the loneliness. Our hope lies in our loved ones. Our hope then becomes externally based on a living, breathing being that counts on us to an extent for their own hope. Sometimes we have to hope for them when they cannot see then end in sight. 

So to bring things to a close I am feeling tired, a little hopeless, but not void of hope because when I do not hold my own hope, my husband holds mine for me until I am ready to myself again. Hope can come from our families, our children, our pets, our friends, our work, our activities, but it has to come, it has to be there for this sort of relationship to survive. So hope on, I will try my best, even in the wake of just wanting "normalcy," I will draw my strength and hope from within myself and from Isaac and I will use it to remind myself that whatever the circumstances it's loss would be more detrimental than anything. 

Families Behind Bars in Indiana

Hello everyone! I just wanted to make people aware of a group on Facebook that is helping people with incarcerated loved ones in Indiana. It is called Families Behind Bars. There is a local meeting, but soon an online chat will be started. The chat will be Sunday April 26th at 7:00pm EST. We are not chatting through Facebook, but through slack.com. Anyone from ANYWHERE can join in on the chat! Friends, acquaintances, or family members welcome. I will post the link for it if anyone feels like it would be beneficial to talk with others in a similar situation. Having an incarcerated loved one can be a lonely and scary thing and so support is always needed! It will just be a relaxed chat where anyone can bring up issues related to their lives and their loved ones incarceration. Here is the link to families Behind Bars on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Families-Behind-Bars/563050973826710 and here is the link to the chat event: https://www.facebook.com/events/960418197324544/. If you have any questions please email Families Behind Bars at familiesbehindbarsinfo@gmail.com! I will be on the chat!

Fighting The Good Fight

Hey folks! I am doing pretty well! That last post was one I started quite a while ago and decided to publish. We are considering a modification for Isaac currently. He is now under 2 years left on his sentence and that is not even counting his upcoming time cut. I never thought I would see these days. It just comes to show that if you are able to be patient and wait, the clock has to inevitably wind down. I consulted a lawyer last week concerning the modification. I would have to retain him and then we would send out for information regarding his case. He said not to retain him until after Isaac has completed his program which he is only a couple months from doing.

Isaac and I are doing well. We still are struggling with writing snail mail, but we continue to send emails and videograms on the daily. I visit every weekend and pray every time that my car makes it! It has such high mileage now after years of driving to visit him. We talk about the future and I am getting ready to ask my landlord how she feels about him coming to live with me. I'm nervous as hell about that!

Work is going well for me. It is super busy, but I fight through the anxiety and the chaos and continue to be happy for myself that I am back to work. I am not perfect, but I try my hardest for my clients. I am still struggling to make more friends, and conjure up the energy to do more social activities. I volunteered to table at a event regarding the prison system on Saturday, visit Sunday morning hopefully, and a walk to help fight to end homelessness Sunday afternoon. A busy weekend right? Well I am off to get ready for work. I know I need to update this blog more often. As I always say, life gets in the way! Keep on fighting the fight!

When The Clock Stopped

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen asleep in my life, that I'm constantly waiting for something. Waiting to lose weight, waiting to feel more attractive, waiting to make more money, and of course waiting for my husband to be released from prison. There are times in my life, things from my past, unpleasant memories that I want to forget. I realize that most often that is what I want..to forget, to sleep in the presence of pain. To pretend like Isaac never went to prison, that are life is as we want it to be now.

I write sometimes to express some things that I will never verbalize to a soul in my daily life. I write to release and I write so people know that they are not alone. Incarceration, loneliness, depression, life stressors exist for so many. I feel rather lost right now because I exist always in the space of absence. Part of me has kept myself that way to protect myself from unpleasant things in my life, but it keeps me from living life as well.

One of the biggest concerns from prison wives is that they feel as though their lives have been put on hold while their loved one is away. That life had to stop at a specific date...his arrest or maybe his sentencing. That is when the clock stopped. When did the clock stop for you?

In some ways I live my life, I live for every day and I do not let my husband's imprisonment stop me from living. I go to work. I socialize, I do activities. On the other hand, there are definitely things that I refrain from doing. There are parts of my routine that are tailored around my husband's incarceration. Sometimes that has to be the way things are. You have to schedule time in for visits and phone calls, etc...Right now at 6am I am trying to figure out if I have enough money for his commissary order this time. It is rather large! I hate feeling stuck, but there is nowhere to go but up. We have to be dedicated in this life, if we are half-assed prison wives for lack of a better word, we are missing our hearts. We have left the whole thing with him. That is not a way to live.

Directions

Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted last. Since I began full-time work, a lot of the things I did in my free time have gone by the wayside. I have been thinking about directions lately. The direction life takes you in, the direction of future plans, the direction of this blog. I have been toying around with maybe changing up the style of it. Now I basically rely on more of a narrative format, but maybe it is time to mix in a little more practicality surrounding being a prison wife or the loved one of someone incarcerated. I know there are a lot of people out there living this life alone and surrounded by guilt, shame, and secrecy. My first goal has always been to support and I recently got an email from an individual saying my blog reminded her that she is in fact not alone on this journey. I welcome questions, ideas for posts, advice, etc..and would love to gear my blog in a direction that will be helpful to as many people as possible.

I do believe just narrating my experience does help people, but I think I want to add some other elements. Obviously being a prison wife is not the only thing I am. I am just throwing some ideas around, but I definitely want to take more time to update my blog. I enjoy it thoroughly.

Just to let everyone know a little update, my husband and I are doing really great! We just celebrated two years of marriage and are going strong. He know has under two years left on his sentence and we are gearing a lot more towards the logistics of him coming home. He is so sweet and showered me with presents and cards for Valentine's Day. We got a 3 hour visit that day, which was amazing and we just kind of take things a day at a time. We are struggling using too much money for the phone, but we all know that is a common struggle for most couples. He is doing great in his program and is in the next to last phase to completing it. I am very proud of him!

I would love to connect with anyone who needs support or just to chat about shared experience so feel free to comment or email me!

Some Updates

Isaac got a job! Yay! Finally he has one, he has been trying for a job, or a program, ANYTHING for months now and he let me know he got a job running the ranges. He basically brings supplies, hands out things, etc...to the guys in their cells on certain ranges. It gets him out of his cell for the majority of the day and gives him less time to think so much and stew. I think it is great! After day one he said he was so sore and was like "this is not what I signed up for." I told him how proud I was of him and to keep up the good work and that it will get easier with time.

At the same time Isaac got his job I started working out at a gym. I have not worked out in many months, and this was my first time getting a fitness assessment and have a work out plan set up for me. This gym is huge!!! I am used to riding my little old exercise bike in my living room. I have to say I am a bit intimidated, but I have gone 3 days now ( I am starting with 2-3 days a week) and I have to say I feel good. At first all I felt was incredibly sore, but after tonight's workout I felt the endorphins kick in, my mood was better, and I was suddenly out of the funk I had been in all day. I am really glad I went. This place is amazing and has everything, but I am determined to start slow so I don't fizzle out. The only down side is I have to drive 25 mins to get there and gas money is tight. Also if the weather is bad, you might as well forget it around here. You are stuck where you are at, but Spring will be here soon and I will be able to go more often.

I am pretty much broke as a joke right now, so there is no money on the phone. I hate not being able to hear his voice on a regular basis, but I got the sweetest videogram from him this morning. It made me feel so much better. Just seeing his face makes me love him more. I really want to attempt another video visit, but our first two were such disasters that I'm afraid to even waste the $10. I so so so so hope I can pull the money together though to visit him Friday for Valentine's Day. It is our one year wedding anniversary and all those great memories of marrying Isaac keep coming flooding back. All those months I tried to get everything straight for the wedding. His nervous face. The tears that flooded both our eyes. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I need to keep busy tomorrow. Laundry, dishes, paying some bills, writing to my love of course. I don't work tomorrow so I need to remind myself laying in bed for half the day is not an option. I have managed to send Isaac 10 Valentine's Day/Anniversary cards, two Flikshops, a videogram, some jpay emails, a ton of pictures, and a letter almost every day, so I hope he feels the mail love! He has sent me several cards and letters so I am definitely feeling it too. I love Isaac so dearly, we are just under the halfway point and are hoping with all our hearts, that we can find a way to bring him home early. We all need him. I need him.

Missing In Action

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted on here. I apologize to anyone who was reading my blog on a regular basis. Come back! I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I guess that is what life becomes sometimes: life. It takes us away from some of the things we love to do so that we can get other much needed things done.

My world is much the same yet also very different in many ways. On the 14th of this month, Isaac and I will have been married one year. That is exciting, but it really has been a tough year. We have such a great love for each other, which is never questioned, but at times we have a hard time seeing eye to eye. We have argued more times than I can count over petty issues I think because we are both so stubborn. I still struggle with health issues both depression/anxiety and diabetes and so Isaac has had to see me through a 10 day hospital stay and numerous procedures that were all diabetes related. He sits in that cell STILL about 22 hours a day on lockdown and thinks and worries and that eats me up. I hate that I make him so anxious. When I get into my depression lows, he has a hard time understanding why. I mean I am out here? I have my freedom! Often he can't recognize the triggers for it and often there are none. I have a chemical depression and sometimes things such as the winter months trigger it.

It's probably in my times of depression and hopelessness I miss him the most. I want our life to be moving along, but it feels like it has been at a standstill for 3 years. I think to myself "can I do this possibly for another 3?" Don't get me wrong I'm not throwing in the towel, but it is a daunting thought.

I have met some really great prison wives through social media and even a couple in person. It is their strength and their hope that helps keep my spirits up. Isaac doesn't always understand why I am so connected to social media, but often it is my outlet for issues related to his incarceration. My friends, although mostly supportive, do not understand all the challenges that come with this life. I don't feel quite so alone when I can connect with others in similar situations. I think slowly but surely he is starting to understand.

I have had a hard time keeping up with writing Isaac. We have Jpay emails, so I do those quite a bit, but my actual letter writing has dwindled to almost nothing and I feel bad about that. I know receiving mail means the world to him and all those guys. I read online somewhere that mail call is the highlight of all their days, they feel like stars by the amount of mail they get handed. But it is more than that. It is that I cannot take the time out of my day to write my husband a short letter? Part of it is writer's block and part;y I just feel like I have nothing exciting to tell him anymore. I need to get over that.

I also have been struggling with a MAJOR case of baby fever. I want to hurry up and start our family so badly. I think it is my age that gets to me. Each year a birthday passes I get more anxious. I am not a spring chicken. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but with my health issues, I fear that pregnancy issues could arise. I need to think differently. Instead of focusing on how we cannot start a family now, I should focus on getting my body baby ready, because lord knows it is not there.

Well these are just a couple of my early morning ramblings. I'm rather scattered because I have been up since 4:30am and I have a lot to get done today. I will definitely be back on here more frequently. I need to get my thoughts out. I need to write. I need to know I am not alone in this journey.

Reading My Blog? Please Follow!

Hi everyone! I know from my stats and numbers that quite a few of you out there read this blog and I am every so grateful and appreciative of that! I was just hoping that those of you who do read it on a regular basis will consider following my blog here on Google, or comment if you feel so inclined. I would love to get to know more of those who read this, and have input into how the blog is going. So, if you feel like it, I encourage you to follow my my blog openly or anonymously and encourage others to read it and/or follow it. This really isn't a request for more readers, although that is never a bad thing, I just really would like to get a better sense of who is reading this, who this is important to, and what people think! Thank you every one from the bottom of my heart!  I love being able to share my life and struggles with you all! Keep reading!

Lazy Days of Thinking

I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.

I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.

It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.

Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years??  People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.

Great Visit!

At the last minute, my father-in-law, brother-in-law, and myself decided to visit my husband this past Wednesday. At first I was frazzled to be going so soon because I had planned on going Saturday, but I started to get really excited to see my husband. It had been two weeks since we had last visited. I drove the 6 hour round trip myself as his brother and dad slept the whole time, giving me way too much time to think. I hate that frantic feeling I get when leaving a visit. It is like I don't know what to do, say, or feel. Everything feels all twisted inside and I have all this excess energy. My mind runs a million miles a minute. It never gets easier to leave Isaac at that place.

Anyway it was a really good visit! We laughed and joked a lot! I just melt every time he smiles. He used to never smile or laugh and now he does all the time. It brings me such happiness to know that he can still keep a sense of humor while being in prison. We didn't have any arguments and it was just such a nice relaxed time over a couple sodas and a hot pocket stuffed with Cheetos :-) The guards working were all very respectful and nice and I didn't have to wait long to get in to see him. It feels so natural and so comfortable to be with him, and so it makes me miss him that much more when I have to leave. It is hard to have a husband but not "have" a husband. His absence is like a hole in my heart, and every time I see him, it brings me great joy, yet great sorrow. Like I said it was a great visit, and he had a really good visit with his father and brother also.

I feel a sense of peace more these days in regards to my marriage. We were having a very rocky time in terms of lots of arguments and feeling sad and depressed and lost. We got into one very hurtful arguments that sent me into a downward spiral for days. I felt torn about our relationship. I wondered if we really ever understood each other like I thought we did. Isaac was having all these doubts and crazy thoughts that I couldn't stay faithful to him out here, or that I was up to no good in some way. The time had started to get to him, and he is on 23 lock down, so he is couped up in his cell all day long. He has been making a really big effort to stop the negative thoughts when they come up. I told him that he needs to try and relax and to be happy that he has a good woman waiting for him here at home who has promised to stand by his side. He is not alone or forgotten. I am always with him and will be always with him.

Back to the visit now. On the way home I did a lot of thinking. I was so happy to have seen Isaac and to have had a wonderful visit. I feel like it is enough to sustain me until the next time I see him. I was having a rough couple of days prior to the visit and to have him just sit and listen to my thoughts and feelings made me feel so much better. I love that man so much. I can't wait until our next visit. I will never be comfortable with this lifestyle believe me. I will never get used to it, even though I at least get more acclimated to it, but I feel more of a contentment with my marriage and my relationship. I know that Isaac is the love of my life. I know it. That fact alone, is enough to continue to keep my promise to stand by his side.

Holding On

I believe that ANY amount of time that a person has to serve is difficult for them and their loved ones. Yes there is a difference between waiting for someone serving a 1 year sentence and a 10 year sentence, but that feeling of standing still while life goes on can seem familiar to many alike. I think questioning whether you are strong enough or able enough, or even WANT to do this journey is a good thing. Sometimes on the prison support websites, you see people fading, growing apart, couples not being who they thought they were too each other anymore. People jumping in head first without giving it much thought. I think this fear of losing grip, of not being able to hold on any longer is huge for prison wives. I believe that time can go as slow or as fast as you want it to. It all depends on how you spend your days, the ways you keep your mind and self busy, the tasks and goals you set out to meet. Everything plays into whether one can "handle" doing the waiting game, whether they can actually hold on.

I have been at this about two years, and I think I have done a fairly good job of making it through thus far, but I could definitely stand to do a better job. I do not structure my time well enough and I often times find myself bored and the days dragging. I am currently not working, so I have huge chunks of time that are not filled with anything. At first I was distraught over not being able to work for this period of time, but then I realized that this is my time, my opportunity to start planning our future, and most importantly work on myself to get my mind, heart, and body ready for Isaac to come home. There are logistics that need to be worked out, etc...All these things can help me have purpose, help keep me busy. The only problem is, I am lacking in motivation. In all honesty, I miss my husband terribly, all I want to do is sleep and eat all day. We can't talk on the phone regularly and their is another week until our next visit. It is in these lagging periods, these reprieves, that I wonder if I am capable of holding on. I think of all the stress that Isaac's incarceration has caused us both. and it tears me up. I feel like I look like I have aged 5 years. I know I have the strength to carry on in this journey, but carrying on has a price attached to it.

Isaac and I want to have children for example. He is a little bit younger than me, so it is always me worrying about whether we will be able to get pregnant when he gets out. My biological clock is ticking and he still has over 3 years left! Then I ask myself, is it still worth holding on for if I possibly give up my desire to have children in order to wait for him to get out of prison? I don't know. The lack of sex and physical intimacy for me at least does not make it that hard to keep on keeping on, but to many it is a huge issue, one that can tear prison relationships apart. There are so many issues at work when considering whether a prison marriage for example will last.

Isaac and I are pretty solid and the time has gone by quite quickly most times. I hold on because holding on is what I have always done in my life, sometimes to my detriment, but it speaks to my perseverance. Living this life of a prison wife really is not for everyone. There has to be a commitment made to one's self, but also a promise, that if this isn't working out for you, that you will decide to let go.

Checking In

I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would check in and let people know how things are going. On one hand, nothing really seems new, and on the other hand, many things seem to have changed. Isaac and I keep having these rough patches where we don't see eye to eye and we argue all the time over stupid things. Then there is the fact that I go day to day almost content that I am waiting for him, and that that is just what I have to do in order to one day have my husband home with me.

Sometimes I feel so detached from Isaac. It is like on one hand we are married and I feel that so intensely inside myself, but then sometimes it seems like such a foreign concept since he is not here with me and we barely get to talk on the phone and have such short visits. I don't know how to balance my feelings. I miss him so much, but it just sucks that every time we talk we argue. I mean we are doing somewhat better and manage to end the convos on a good note, but I feel let down when he calls and I get all excited to answer and then he comes at me with stupid stuff. IDK. I am trying to keep busy, and am just frustrated with life in general. Money is always an issue and there is never enough of it. I worry about it all the time and I feel bad I can't give Isaac all that he needs in there as his wife. He says it doesn't matter, but I still feel bad. UGH I want my husband laying here next to me as it storms outside. I want to feel his love and his safety and I want to be able to breathe.

My car has been acting up which is a big worry for me because I rely on it to make the trip for visits, and to get me around in general. I don't have money for a new car. That's just a fact. I'm struggling with my weight and eating habits, my health, and just sheer laziness. For some reason I have become obsessed with appearance. I have started fearing getting older, even though I am far from old. I don't know I just feel like I try and switch my focus from Isaac and all the stress related to his situation to myself, and I don't know if it necessarily helps. I should be focusing my energy on cleaning my apartment and getting out of the house. Instead I eat food that is bad for me and stay on Tumblr all day. Isaac thinks I should get a job, and believe me if that were something I could do at the moment I would, but he doesn't understand that there are a lot of things at play in terms of that area of my life at the moment. He keeps telling me to explain, but how do I explain the fact that I get panic attacks just thinking about going back to work and how they do not seem to be triggered by something and how they are very hard to stop? I guess I just need to stay positive and pray and hope for the best. Isaac always says hope for the best and prepare for the worst. A very good motto indeed.

Worries

I know my husband is a big boy. I know he can take care of himself. I know he knows how to survive in prison, but sometimes I just think of him in there and it absolutely breaks my heart. I feel scared. He always has to appear hard at any given moment. Emotion can be mistaken for weakness. He sits in a tiny cell alone for 23 hours a day. They don’t even let him go to church. He doesn’t buy extra food off of commissary so he can buy stamps to write me. We are not able to talk on the phone every day because I can’t afford it. He has no one that he feels he can really share his feelings with in there. He holds everything inside.

I know prison is not rehab or summer camp. I know this is where he must face punishment to hopefully get a chance at redemption. I worry about him everyday because I honestly have no concept of what he faces every day in there. Do they not say a sin is a sin? Who are we to judge the quality, the make up of a sin? Who are we to place a man in a cage like a beast until in punishing him, we strip him of the very humanity we accused him of lacking to begin with? 

Babe I know your fragile heart and I pray for your protection each and every day. I am confident you will find redemption along this journey, but until you do, know that I have not forgotten your kindness and your goodness, and your love, and your massive heart. I have not forgotten that you are a person, a human being, a man whose heart beats, who feels pain, and who seeks forgiveness in life just like the rest of us.

Like A Thing Unseen

Prison doesn't always get to me, financial strains don't always bother me, even traveling and stigma, but it is more the continuous loneliness that I feel as a prison wife. I am not saying I am ALWAYS lonely, because I do definitely feel emotionally and even physically close to my husband, but there are those nights you lie awake and alone in your bed, wishing, wishing so hard that he was lying there next to you, that if magic existed, he would appear there with his warm skin to cuddle you. Maybe to me loneliness equals the lack of physical intimacy, the lack of contact. I always wonder why prisons are so strict about letting inmates and their loved ones have physical contact. Yes there are the obvious reason such as trafficking, but really to not let a hug last more than 10 seconds? To slip a little tongue into you "brief kiss"? Isaac and I kind of do that anyway and no one usually seems to care. I love it when I step into his arms and he squeezes me so hard as I stand on my tiptoes. I love the smell of him, the way my head fits into the curve of his neck, the strength I sense in him.

The simple hand holding at visits brings me joy. I always stare at my little hands cupped inside his big ass tattooed hands, my name staring back at me in bold black letters on the space between his forefinger and thumb. Sometimes I have to stop myself from reaching out and touching his hair or his face. Sometimes when I am daring I will stroke his forearm. I love that man so much and all I want to do is wrap him up in my arms and sit that way for hours. He talks of this often. His face is wistful when he mentions holding me at night, talking into the early hours of the morning. This longing, this loneliness is pervasive, it grabs you and chokes you, shakes you and gives you doubts. It does not seem natural to be separated from the one that is most important to you.

There are also the everyday activities of life that give me pause since he is not here. I mean realistically it would be great to have a second income in the household. I would love him to help with tasks around the apartment and be able to have the little moments that only two people can share in person, such as a laugh over something trivial or a hug that results in some steamy sex in the kitchen lol. Walking hand in hand in the park, swimming, eating out. I don't even care about sex though so to speak. It seems the longer you go without it, the less you care about it. I just miss being touched, being loved by someone's skin, looking into my husbands eyes. This loneliness often goes unseen. Us prison wives put on a solid front for our children, our families, our friends. We don't want them to say 'I told you so!" or " This is too hard for you." Waiting for a loved one in prison is not an impossible task. Going without physical intimacy, missing out on the ins and outs of an "in person" relationship, those things are difficult, but doable. I mean we hear about women and men doing it all the time for YEARS. It comes down to weighing the pros and cons, and when I do this, I always come back to one thing that I know is true: I love Isaac more than life itself and to be without him is far worse than to be without him only temporarily.