Holding On

I believe that ANY amount of time that a person has to serve is difficult for them and their loved ones. Yes there is a difference between waiting for someone serving a 1 year sentence and a 10 year sentence, but that feeling of standing still while life goes on can seem familiar to many alike. I think questioning whether you are strong enough or able enough, or even WANT to do this journey is a good thing. Sometimes on the prison support websites, you see people fading, growing apart, couples not being who they thought they were too each other anymore. People jumping in head first without giving it much thought. I think this fear of losing grip, of not being able to hold on any longer is huge for prison wives. I believe that time can go as slow or as fast as you want it to. It all depends on how you spend your days, the ways you keep your mind and self busy, the tasks and goals you set out to meet. Everything plays into whether one can "handle" doing the waiting game, whether they can actually hold on.

I have been at this about two years, and I think I have done a fairly good job of making it through thus far, but I could definitely stand to do a better job. I do not structure my time well enough and I often times find myself bored and the days dragging. I am currently not working, so I have huge chunks of time that are not filled with anything. At first I was distraught over not being able to work for this period of time, but then I realized that this is my time, my opportunity to start planning our future, and most importantly work on myself to get my mind, heart, and body ready for Isaac to come home. There are logistics that need to be worked out, etc...All these things can help me have purpose, help keep me busy. The only problem is, I am lacking in motivation. In all honesty, I miss my husband terribly, all I want to do is sleep and eat all day. We can't talk on the phone regularly and their is another week until our next visit. It is in these lagging periods, these reprieves, that I wonder if I am capable of holding on. I think of all the stress that Isaac's incarceration has caused us both. and it tears me up. I feel like I look like I have aged 5 years. I know I have the strength to carry on in this journey, but carrying on has a price attached to it.

Isaac and I want to have children for example. He is a little bit younger than me, so it is always me worrying about whether we will be able to get pregnant when he gets out. My biological clock is ticking and he still has over 3 years left! Then I ask myself, is it still worth holding on for if I possibly give up my desire to have children in order to wait for him to get out of prison? I don't know. The lack of sex and physical intimacy for me at least does not make it that hard to keep on keeping on, but to many it is a huge issue, one that can tear prison relationships apart. There are so many issues at work when considering whether a prison marriage for example will last.

Isaac and I are pretty solid and the time has gone by quite quickly most times. I hold on because holding on is what I have always done in my life, sometimes to my detriment, but it speaks to my perseverance. Living this life of a prison wife really is not for everyone. There has to be a commitment made to one's self, but also a promise, that if this isn't working out for you, that you will decide to let go.