Strange Sensations

I have been thinking a lot lately about my husband coming home. I dream about it, I fantasize about when he will be free of the walls of prison. It hurts in my gut right now, the missing him. I feel peculiar, as though I have an itch I can't scratch, yet extremely sad and excited at the same time. He is almost under the 2 year mark, less with time cuts, and I am left scattered and wondering how I will get everything set up for him to come home.

I worry a lot, if you haven't guessed. I worry that we won't be able to find a place to live that will be ok with a felon. I worry about money and how tight it will be with court costs, etc...Should I be embracing this strange feeling of excitement or drown in the what ifs? I have been waiting a long time to see an end in sight. I want that end to turn out well. There is a fine line between catastophizing and thinking ahead.

This is my constant battle. I fight it night and day. I am sick of fighting it. It's like my husband has been gone so long, I forget what he was like in the free world. I have almost forgotten what he looks like in street clothes, how it feels to lay my head on his chest, to kiss for as long as we want, for him to hold me. The closer that comes into view, honestly all I can think about and freak about is what is life going to be like married to a felon? If you have read my earlier posts, you will remember we got married since he has been in. We never lived together when he was out. We have a lot of adjustments.

I think I am just sick of a lot of shit. I am sick of changing my shirt 3 times at visitation or having guards look at me like I am a creature. I am sick of paying for phone calls and driving over 3 hours to see my husband every week. I know I know, I always come back to it. I chose this life. But when I am sitting at the staff Christmas party alone, I feel angry, when I am sick and lying in bed wishing he was here to take care of me, I feel angry. Why did he have to mess up? Why did he have to get in trouble? The present is all that I can hold onto because the past is gone. I guess that leaves the future and no matter what it holds, I made a promise a very long time ago to stand by my husband's side. I still feel passionately about that promise and even my worries will not shake that. I just need to vent every once in awhile!

Living Life vs. Waiting

I often struggle with the concept of living my life wholly and fully vs. playing the waiting game, placing things on hold while my husband is away. I think I have done the latter unintentionally these past 4 years, but it is really hard to continue to live your life as if something is not missing! My other half is missing. Our life together is missing! We don't wake up together or go to sleep together. We don't share meals or walks together. We can't cuddle on the couch or think about starting our family yet.

On the other hand, I yearn to keep some sort of normalcy and a life. I recently started a job and my coworkers invite me out on the weekends. Although it brings a certain sense of guilt, I enjoy getting out every once in a while. My husband sometimes gets upset about this, but what it comes down to I've learned is that he's more hurt he can't be enjoying the fun out here with me too. He really gets depressed and I feel guilty.

So where's the happy medium? I've started working out again, I see a therapist, work takes most of my day.  I spend time with friends and family. But sometimes it doesn't seem like enough, because I'm constantly thinking of Isaac. The more time grows closer the harder it is to be without him.

Some ladies devote their whole lives to their significant other. I'm not saying that's wrong, but for me it puts me in hyper focus and makes me sad and depressed. I'm always wondering what he's doing.

We talk about keeping our eyes on the prize, but can we do that while having a life? Devotion and obsession are two different things. I feel you don't want to look back on years of your life and wonder what you did. There has to be a happy medium. Discuss it with your man. Explain your need for a life outside of prison. If he loves you and wants the best for you, he will understand. 

The Prison Wife Life

There is a certain sadness that comes along with being a prison wife/girlfriend/fiancé, etc...Sometimes we try to pretend like it doesn't exist, like it isn't curled up next to us, that we are not alone, but still it lingers. It comes at night, it comes when witnessing others in happy relationships, it comes unprovoked. Time eases it and makes it worse all in one breath.

Isaac and I were in an apart period or a "broken up" period I guess you could say when he was arrested and sent to jail. I had no idea he was in there for two months. He wasn't ripped away from me, he simply disappeared. I know often the sadness and the trauma that comes from the loved one being "taken" from their significant other, which I think is very understandable, but I don't think you need that type of situation to feel the loss, to feel the sadness, the trauma.

There are those that are MWI "Met While Incarcerated" and they feel the loss and sadness too because in my opinion it is more about dwelling on what we are missing, feeling the absence of a person we have grown to love and care for. As I stated Isaac and I were not together before he became incarcerated even though we had dabbled in "something" for a period. Our time prior to incarceration was filled with turmoil. I was so mad at him and then when I found out he was in jail for some reason I softened. Was that good or bad? I am not sure, but I know I was sad, sad that a man I had met outside the context of prison, a gentle man was in a cage now. Now the majority of our relationship and all of our marriage is based on and set in the context of incarceration. I think that's what makes me sad at times, that I don't know my own marriage outside of a box. I think of all we could have had if he had not gone away. It drives me mad at time.  With time passing I get anxious.

This sadness dwells inside us and we push it away, or sometimes we wallow in it, sometimes we embrace it for what it is and continue on with our lives. I have seen some prison wives consumed by it. Maybe I am consumed by it.

At Last!

I'm so excited, but it's like at the same time I don't want to hope, I'm used to being let down. What I'm referring to, is my husband got into basically like a life skills program in his prison and we are thrilled! I haven't heard this much joy in Isaac's voice in a long time, probably never since he got to prison. He got moved out of 23 hour lockdown where he had sat for the better part of two years to a dormitory and he loved his new found "freedom." 

He also broke the news to me that we get weekly visits now instead of bi-weekly ones and they are for two hours instead of one! I broke down crying in the pharmacy when he told me this. I get 6 extra hours with my husband a month! That is if I can make it every week. Finally he said sometimes they have family days and have family come for picnics. I was like "say what?" If he completes the course he will get a 6 month time cut, which isn't too shabby either. 

On one hand I'm ecstatic, on the other I'm so afraid to have hope because we have had so many let downs. I'm thinking of all the what ifs and am feeling all nervous, when Isaac is walking on cloud nine. Perhaps I should dare to hope? What's the point of carefully dissecting the odds, etc...that will only bring him down. All he needs is encouragement and support from his wife and I will make sure to give all I have. 

Welcome Back Me! Some Updates

Wow I can't believe it has been quite this long since I have blogged! Time can just fly sometimes! Some updates on me. I finally got moved! I have been in my new city a little over 2 weeks and although I love it, it is an adjustment. I love being an hour closer to Isaac! I went for a visit with him last week. I am sadly still unpacking. Two days before I moved, I woke up with horrible back pain. I got through it though and drove a very large U-Haul 4 hours through a thunderstorm and rush hour traffic. My family and friends have been great helping me and I love my little apartment. It's very peaceful...and also two times smaller than my previous one!

Isaac is doing well. We have had our ups and downs as usual, but we are good. I think the move was difficult on Isaac as well and I don't know why this did not really occur to me at first. He could sense my stress and I wasn't writing, etc...Now that things have settled down, I am getting back into letters. I got 4 out to him this past week!  I will visit again hopefully next week.

I don't have internet yet in my new place so I have been bored out of my mind. I started reading again though, which feels strange yet wonderful and I went to the gym for the first time since my back was so bad. I really should go to the gym today. Hey maybe I will. I just can't shake waking up so tired for some reason today, even after a cup of coffee.

It is hard being in an entirely new place, where you have to meet new people, establish yourself, begin working at a new place, get settled in, etc...I can't lie I am a little homesick, but it does help to know that Isaac is physically closer to me. Just knowing that helps.

During the time I have been away, I will be honest, I have had some serious doubts about whether I could continue this waiting, this feeling of being on hold. I don't know exactly what was triggering it, I was just really, really tired. After so much time has passed, you start to get a little tired. But I think it is all about refocusing, taking care of and doing things for myself, and remembering what is important in my relationship with Isaac. I can't let prison define who we are. I have said time and time again if we let LOVE not PRISON define our relationship, then we are indeed free.

Fighting

Its been a bad day...I've been up since 5am. Got ready to go to the gym, and was writing Isaac an email when he called. I could sense his bad mood from the second I said hello. Let's just say it became a monstrous fight and has me questioning our relationship, probably him as well. It sounds weird, but sometimes I think Isaac loves me and hates me at the same time. He resents my freedom, he gets stressed out, he has pent up anger, and I become the target. I'm not saying I didn't do my fair share of name calling and finger pointing. We both did. I don't know how thing escalated so quickly. We hung up out of phone time, he tried to call back using that last minute, but the phone dropped the call or he hung up on me. 

I have no idea how he is feeling right now.  Hell I don't even know how I feel right now. I love my husband but I don't love us disrespecting one another. So I slept a bit, went to the gym, packed some more, and wrote him a short email tonight. I miss him. We are out of phone money until next month, so it's emails or letters. This is where patience comes in. I expect a nasty letter from him, but I wish we could just solve this. Here I am making great strides in my life and now I feel stuck. I know Isaac does too. I know he feels helpless. I just want this to all be worth it. Not one of those prison marriage statistics. I know we will work this out. It just takes patience. 

Money Woes

It's one of those months where the money for phone calls has run out early. I would spend some of my bill money on the phone if Isaac didn't strictly forbid me. That is how powerful hearing his voice is. I need it, I want it, I feel so much better after talking to him. This morning we just used our last couple of minutes. It makes me feel sad and depressed that we can't talk, but some couples in this situation can't talk at all, whether it be their man is in the hole or he lost privileges for some reason. Those are just a few of the scenarios, so I remind myself I must be grateful that we get to talk at all and I really should be reasonable and realistic, but when it comes to love, I feel like I have been bulldozed over. Nothing feels rational. Sensible has gone out the window.

Isaac and I know how much we love each other, but we also know we have to be preparing for the "real world." When he gets out, money will be super tight and we will have to operate from a realistic stand point. He will have fees for house arrest. He will have all sorts of fees probably for parole or probation, and he will probably have trouble getting a job as a felon. Ok I'm going off on a tangent and getting myself all worked up about money. So to make a long story short, Isaac is right. I need to not put money on the phone just because I want to hear his voice. It is not the way life works. I thought I was strong, but I suddenly feel very weak. There are a lot of tests in this life and I guess this is one of them.