I am absolutely lost. It is as though my brain has been gutted and rewired, as though my sorrow has dropped down into my heart. Every day is wrought with confusion, doubt, questioning. There is no doubt that I am depressed, that I am anxious, that I am at my wits end, but the question is why? Why have I reached this place in my life and in my relationship?
I am not the only one having a hard time right now. Isaac is having down times as well. Today we talked for the first time in 5 days and I ruined the whole conversation by crying, sobs coming from my heaving chest. I tried to explain myself, but it just made things worse. The final straw was the fact that I told him I was feeling stressed about our wedding and needed some extra time to get everything together. He sounded so disappointed and upset. I felt horrible and all I was doing was trying to assert my needs.
Every day brings this heavy weight and this longing. I long for touch, for the proximity of love, for sex, for affection, for time spent together that never ends. the weight of the stigma, of people's ignorance weighs me down. I love Isaac, and I want Isaac, I just want him out here in the world with me. Every time I talk to him he apologizes profusely for the fact that he is away, but it doesn't matter. I don't need apologies, I need change, and action, I need the earth to spin faster, I need to look him in the face, I need to hash out a plan about how our future will be. I need intimacy not just physically, but of the soul. I need to get my brain all straightened out. What do I want out of this life? Where do I want to be? I feel that I lack progress and motivation, and I am so tired...so so tired. I hate this lifestyle, I tolerate it...barely.
Sometimes I even dare to wonder if this can be considered a real relationship. I can count the amount of time we spend together, the number of kisses we share, the times we touch. It is all measured and the memories of the past fade and become blurry sometimes. It feels like at times that the only Isaac I know is the one that is incarcerated. I can't even remember what he looks like in street clothes!
Gosh I love that man, so very much. He makes my insides melt, makes my heart remember why it beats. I am just struggling with remaining strong, with not feeling down all the time. I miss him incredibly. I don't know how I can keep this up for years? A relationship should fulfill me, should be a presence in my life. I know that this life is not ideal, that what occurs while Isaac is incarcerated is not all in my hands, that I must be patient and go with the flow. Maybe this is my plateau, one of those times where the weight of doing time with someone brings you down and you need to refresh yourself and your relationship. I miss him so much and I still feel slightly angry at him. I need and want him with me, but I must face reality. Life does go on. It always does.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Continue to Hope
Another two weeks have passed, another visit. It came and went, and Isaac and I had a great time, but I am always left feeling so empty afterwards. I know he feels the same way. These visits take everything out of me. I drive 6 hours round trip, get up at the crack of dawn, and then try to lodge down all my anxiety as I approach the prison and put my pleaser face on. I have this constant fear that they will take our visits away because of something that Isaac or I do accidentally. I know it probably is an unrealistic fear, but it adds to my stress of visiting.
I think it is the fact that for an hour I am given Isaac, he is there for unfiltered conversation, hand holding, kissing, and hugging. I have him as mine, and then the moment that clock hits an hour he is taken away from me, ripped out of my grasp, lost to me and it brings a kind of grief. Isaac feels like visits are the only thing he looks forward to every two weeks. He gets himself up and ready early and is waiting to be called, to hear those words saying that he has a visit. At the same time I sit in the waiting room and wait with baited breath for them to call Isaac's last name signifying that it is my turn to go through security. No I don't like the pat downs, the sniffing of drug dogs, the metal detectors and the condescending looks, but it is worth it to me as I put in my last post. I love Isaac and I am willing to make sacrifices, but sometimes I just feel so tired of this lifestyle. My family is in town, everyone all in their individual couples units, loving each other freely, simple touches unhindered by a higher power. Heck my sister and her husband took me grocery shopping with them and I LONGED for their life even if they were just making a decision about what kind of bread to buy.
That is their life and this is my life, and I can't be bitter about it because I choose to live it in this manner. I could tell Isaac that I can't do it anymore, or that I want to date other people and give us a chance after he gets out. We are beyond that point both in our minds and in our life though. We are getting married in the next number of months, we are starting a new chapter in our lives. I still feel torn at times. I want him, I want his love, I want to love him, and I want a "normal" life simultaneously. I realized the other day that I don't remember what it is like to go on a regular old date. Go out to dinner, maybe a movie. Cuddle on the couch. Is it the whole wanting because you cannot have? The wanting becomes tragically beautiful, the taut pull of desire and love. Some abuse this feeling, some embrace it, some like it, some deny it, but it does exist.
I want Isaac here with me, I want to begin our boring as hell "normal" life. I can live without the excitement and drama of incarceration forever. So here I am sitting here, thinking wistfully about how I want my fiance with me, cuddled by the fire with my family surrounding us. I think about shopping at the grocery store, I think about sharing a meal, going to the movies. I think about how exhausted I am from our visit, our only "dates" that we have now. Do I make the best of the situation? Do I lie down in bitterness or do I continue to hope, to hold our faith?
I think it is the fact that for an hour I am given Isaac, he is there for unfiltered conversation, hand holding, kissing, and hugging. I have him as mine, and then the moment that clock hits an hour he is taken away from me, ripped out of my grasp, lost to me and it brings a kind of grief. Isaac feels like visits are the only thing he looks forward to every two weeks. He gets himself up and ready early and is waiting to be called, to hear those words saying that he has a visit. At the same time I sit in the waiting room and wait with baited breath for them to call Isaac's last name signifying that it is my turn to go through security. No I don't like the pat downs, the sniffing of drug dogs, the metal detectors and the condescending looks, but it is worth it to me as I put in my last post. I love Isaac and I am willing to make sacrifices, but sometimes I just feel so tired of this lifestyle. My family is in town, everyone all in their individual couples units, loving each other freely, simple touches unhindered by a higher power. Heck my sister and her husband took me grocery shopping with them and I LONGED for their life even if they were just making a decision about what kind of bread to buy.
That is their life and this is my life, and I can't be bitter about it because I choose to live it in this manner. I could tell Isaac that I can't do it anymore, or that I want to date other people and give us a chance after he gets out. We are beyond that point both in our minds and in our life though. We are getting married in the next number of months, we are starting a new chapter in our lives. I still feel torn at times. I want him, I want his love, I want to love him, and I want a "normal" life simultaneously. I realized the other day that I don't remember what it is like to go on a regular old date. Go out to dinner, maybe a movie. Cuddle on the couch. Is it the whole wanting because you cannot have? The wanting becomes tragically beautiful, the taut pull of desire and love. Some abuse this feeling, some embrace it, some like it, some deny it, but it does exist.
I want Isaac here with me, I want to begin our boring as hell "normal" life. I can live without the excitement and drama of incarceration forever. So here I am sitting here, thinking wistfully about how I want my fiance with me, cuddled by the fire with my family surrounding us. I think about shopping at the grocery store, I think about sharing a meal, going to the movies. I think about how exhausted I am from our visit, our only "dates" that we have now. Do I make the best of the situation? Do I lie down in bitterness or do I continue to hope, to hold our faith?
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Irritation
I just feel like I need a small moment to vent. I have been so thankful to be able to having visitation with Isaac. We see each other about every two weeks since he is 3 hours away. At first the experience was completely pleasant. The COs treated the visitors with respect and were friendly. I felt at ease sitting in the visiting room, my eyes only focused on him, but lately it is become irritating and unsettling. A new set of staff have been doing the visits the past number of times, and are not quite as amicable. They barely say hello and have a bad habit of making faces and of making snide comments. The pat downs have been a little too close for comfort and probably too close for what was actually needed. The visiting room staff have repeatedly picked on Isaac for things that every other inmate seems to be evidencing at the same time, and they are down right condescending and impolite about correcting him. So his chair is not in a straight line, so I didn't take the photo ticket up to the desk at the perfect time, so I was apparently sitting on the wrong side of him (even though I sat this way for multiple visits before), so his father did not lift his upper lip high enough. Does this mean that we need to be talked to like less than human? Does this mean that I have to be belittled and given smirks when asked "is that your boyfriend or whatever?" by staff? Is this a race thing? Do they have it out for him? Isaac and I are a multiracial couple and I never in a million years thought that would be an issue. There are tons of interracial couples in the visiting room and they never get bothered. They never have two or three COs watching them at all times.
Isaac does not get in trouble, he and I never do anything wrong during visits. We are just there to see each other and get some quality time together. Why all this hassling? Like I said before, visits went smoothly up to this point. It seemed like things shifted with the different staff. The fact of the matter is that I along with Isaac or afforded no luxuries, we are at the mercy of the system. What am I supposed to do when you have a feeling that the body pat down should not have been like that? Are you supposed to make trouble for yourself and him and maybe jeopardize your visits? What are you supposed to do if the visit staff seems biased, maybe even racist? It's embarrassing for Isaac to be told in front of me and his family that he needs to keep his chair straight 3 times in a row in a voice fitting for a child. He is doing time yes, but he is still a human being. I always wonder to myself, why get into a field, start a career or job doing something that you probably don't like? What is the point of that? I know to some it is just a job, and the inmates are not considered people, just objects to be kept in line. What it comes down to for me is that the hassle of these instances are worth less than the benefit of seeing my love, in the flesh, living and breathing, and waiting for me to come through.
Isaac does not get in trouble, he and I never do anything wrong during visits. We are just there to see each other and get some quality time together. Why all this hassling? Like I said before, visits went smoothly up to this point. It seemed like things shifted with the different staff. The fact of the matter is that I along with Isaac or afforded no luxuries, we are at the mercy of the system. What am I supposed to do when you have a feeling that the body pat down should not have been like that? Are you supposed to make trouble for yourself and him and maybe jeopardize your visits? What are you supposed to do if the visit staff seems biased, maybe even racist? It's embarrassing for Isaac to be told in front of me and his family that he needs to keep his chair straight 3 times in a row in a voice fitting for a child. He is doing time yes, but he is still a human being. I always wonder to myself, why get into a field, start a career or job doing something that you probably don't like? What is the point of that? I know to some it is just a job, and the inmates are not considered people, just objects to be kept in line. What it comes down to for me is that the hassle of these instances are worth less than the benefit of seeing my love, in the flesh, living and breathing, and waiting for me to come through.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Separation
My biggest struggle with this lifestyle is not the distance, or the difficulties of visits, money, even loneliness, but the decision regarding how to live my life without him. The concept of balance and carrying on so to speak. I fully acknowledge that I have neglected many areas of my life since he has been away. Much of my day revolves around him in some sense or another. My mood shifts with every phone call, every letter, every visit. I constantly wonder how he is doing in there, what he is doing, if he is safe, if he is depressed, etc...I miss him all the time, and I have come to realize that I am losing touch with myself and my need to live my life to the fullest.
Many women feel guilty for having fun, for doing activities without their loved one, for even being excited about anything in their lives. I always thought to myself that that was never me, but then when I took a closer look, I realized that indeed that has become me. Let's look at the facts. I have gained 30lbs from emotional overeating. I rarely have any extracurricular activities, I feel bad when I tell him I am attempting to go any where to have "fun." I have let myself and my living quarters "go." I don't care how I look or what state I appear in when people see me. I have become a recluse. I know what I need to do. I need to reclaim my life. This DOES NOT mean that I want to end things with Isaac, nor do I want to take a break from our relationship, but I more so want to gain a sense of balance in my life and with his incarceration. I don't want every thought to be about him, I don't want every action to be contingent upon whether I will be easily able to answer the phone or get a letter out in time for the postman to pick it up.
How do I begin to take my life back while still loving the man I call home? Isaac encourages me all the time to get out and do things, to not worry about him like I do, to become motivated. He is not the problem, I AM. I cannot separate his incarceration from my life. There I said it. I have struggled with depression for much of my life, it is nothing new, but the reasons for my depression have grown deeper.
Isaac and I have been together approximately a year and a half. During this time, good and bad things have occurred. I began to accept myself more and began to accept the fact that someone else could truly love me. I also began to neglect my basic needs because I was so concerned about Isaac. That is not healthy. Loving should not involve pain and discomfort of this nature. It should be pure and blameless. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. Isaac seems to disagree at times. He often will say that pain and suffering go hand in hand with love. I feel guilty that he sits in there hurting because we are apart. I honestly think we both need to become more able to tend to our own needs while loving one another in a healthy manner. Don't get me wrong our love is real and great and one of the most positive things to ever happen to both our lives. Our love does not see incarceration or separation, it is what it is, it is love and love takes all forms, but this love needs healthy hosts, two people that are content with their lives. Change is in the air and change is needed. I want to give Isaac my happiness, my good days, not my incessant crying and fumbling and him having to comfort me while he sits behind bars. I want us to be strong for each other and most of all for ourselves.
Many women feel guilty for having fun, for doing activities without their loved one, for even being excited about anything in their lives. I always thought to myself that that was never me, but then when I took a closer look, I realized that indeed that has become me. Let's look at the facts. I have gained 30lbs from emotional overeating. I rarely have any extracurricular activities, I feel bad when I tell him I am attempting to go any where to have "fun." I have let myself and my living quarters "go." I don't care how I look or what state I appear in when people see me. I have become a recluse. I know what I need to do. I need to reclaim my life. This DOES NOT mean that I want to end things with Isaac, nor do I want to take a break from our relationship, but I more so want to gain a sense of balance in my life and with his incarceration. I don't want every thought to be about him, I don't want every action to be contingent upon whether I will be easily able to answer the phone or get a letter out in time for the postman to pick it up.
How do I begin to take my life back while still loving the man I call home? Isaac encourages me all the time to get out and do things, to not worry about him like I do, to become motivated. He is not the problem, I AM. I cannot separate his incarceration from my life. There I said it. I have struggled with depression for much of my life, it is nothing new, but the reasons for my depression have grown deeper.
Isaac and I have been together approximately a year and a half. During this time, good and bad things have occurred. I began to accept myself more and began to accept the fact that someone else could truly love me. I also began to neglect my basic needs because I was so concerned about Isaac. That is not healthy. Loving should not involve pain and discomfort of this nature. It should be pure and blameless. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. Isaac seems to disagree at times. He often will say that pain and suffering go hand in hand with love. I feel guilty that he sits in there hurting because we are apart. I honestly think we both need to become more able to tend to our own needs while loving one another in a healthy manner. Don't get me wrong our love is real and great and one of the most positive things to ever happen to both our lives. Our love does not see incarceration or separation, it is what it is, it is love and love takes all forms, but this love needs healthy hosts, two people that are content with their lives. Change is in the air and change is needed. I want to give Isaac my happiness, my good days, not my incessant crying and fumbling and him having to comfort me while he sits behind bars. I want us to be strong for each other and most of all for ourselves.
Friday, October 26, 2012
All That Matters...
I have been having trouble lately getting my thoughts straight. I am all over the place in the recesses of my mind, thinking, wondering, pondering, deciphering, scrutinizing, etc...I think my brain wants to make sense of all the twists and turns my life has taken. If I think back, I never saw this coming. Where I am at in my life. I don't per say think that my decisions and choices have put me in a bad position, nor do I regret any of them, life is just so different at the moment. I have found myself reflecting more now than usual.
Almost four years ago I was living in a huge metropolis, fresh from my master's degree breathing in the life of a big city. As cliche as it sounds I felt alive and dead at the same time. Mass amounts of people and sensory stimulation make you feel like something exciting is always happening, sometimes too much. The weight of the city crushed me and gave me hope. There was extreme struggle there though, and I think this is something that I don't like to remember. We all want to dwell on the bright side, the good things that happened in our life, the "glory days," and tend to shut out the pain of the past. Circumstances occurred that brought me back to small town living, and as I have said before that changed everything.
I met Isaac almost two years after I moved back. If you have read my blog, then you know my story, so I will not go into all of that again, but what I found waiting for me here was beyond my comprehension. So I bring myself back to living in my head these past couple months. Everything is coming full circle. Isaac and I are getting married! I am very excited about this, but my mind also goes to crazy places. I have the usual doubts, regarding whether or not I am making a wise choice entering into marriage. I love him with all my heart, no doubts there. He saved my heart when it was close to dying. He metaphorically resuscitated me, breathed life back into my deflated soul.
I was at such a low point in my life when we reconnected, that there was not much light at the end of the tunnel, and so then I wonder, was that why I fell so hard? Is that the reason I cling to him with such desperation? Am I afraid that if I lose him, that I will lose myself? I understand this is such black or white thinking. This fear that I may not be a whole person if I lose the one I love, and oh do I love him so deeply. Is this the crux of prison relationships? This wanting but not having? This tug and pull, this "distance makes the heart grow fonder" concept? Do I love more fully because what I want, what I love, is not within arms reach? I believe in loving hard to no end, but I also believe in protecting myself, or perhaps my mind and body believe in protecting itself. I do not want my heart squished, and I know Isaac has no intentions of doing this. The mistakes between us are of the past, and I have finally accepted this.
You know I never thought love could be so grey. In my mind it was like "if he crossed you once, or made a mistake you are gone." The relationship is over. We are human beings though for goodness sakes!!! We mess up, we don't know what we want sometimes, we make poor choices. Many think my decision to marry Isaac while he is incarcerated is a poor choice. Many think that since we have never lived together, that we do not know each other well enough. Yes we have not shared a living space, learned every subtle annoyance, or ate each other's bad cooking on a regular basis, but we KNOW each other. We know one another better than most know there long term partners because we have had this time apart, the 10 page letters, the phone calls squeezed into 15 minute intervals to really hash out who we are and want we desire from each other. Every little thing suddenly takes on a great deal of importance.We look forward to those little things! We look forward to normalcy! I want nothing greater to never hear or see or think about anything regarding prison ever again. I will be one happy lady when that day comes. Yes we will never be truly rid of the "ghost" of prison past, but life will be about NOW, not the circumstances of his incarceration, or the taboo nature of loving an inmate.
I have gotten slightly off track. I started discussing how much my life has changed. Is it for the better? Is it just different? Is my happiness contingent upon another person? This I do not fully know or understand yet. But as I always come back to the fact of what I know about life. I know that human relationships seem to make this world go round. I know that I love Isaac and that he loves me. Why is it so wrong to just go with the moment? Not to flee responsibility, not to disown the world, but to live without constantly wondering if you made the right decision, or why you are not in the place in your life that you thought you would be in by now? I thought I would be married with three children by my age. I thought I would be working in the field that I studied to make a career in. I thought I would still live in a large city, still be haunted by my past, still loathe life. But me, as I am, am happy and for this moment that is all I can cling to and all that matters.
Almost four years ago I was living in a huge metropolis, fresh from my master's degree breathing in the life of a big city. As cliche as it sounds I felt alive and dead at the same time. Mass amounts of people and sensory stimulation make you feel like something exciting is always happening, sometimes too much. The weight of the city crushed me and gave me hope. There was extreme struggle there though, and I think this is something that I don't like to remember. We all want to dwell on the bright side, the good things that happened in our life, the "glory days," and tend to shut out the pain of the past. Circumstances occurred that brought me back to small town living, and as I have said before that changed everything.
I met Isaac almost two years after I moved back. If you have read my blog, then you know my story, so I will not go into all of that again, but what I found waiting for me here was beyond my comprehension. So I bring myself back to living in my head these past couple months. Everything is coming full circle. Isaac and I are getting married! I am very excited about this, but my mind also goes to crazy places. I have the usual doubts, regarding whether or not I am making a wise choice entering into marriage. I love him with all my heart, no doubts there. He saved my heart when it was close to dying. He metaphorically resuscitated me, breathed life back into my deflated soul.
I was at such a low point in my life when we reconnected, that there was not much light at the end of the tunnel, and so then I wonder, was that why I fell so hard? Is that the reason I cling to him with such desperation? Am I afraid that if I lose him, that I will lose myself? I understand this is such black or white thinking. This fear that I may not be a whole person if I lose the one I love, and oh do I love him so deeply. Is this the crux of prison relationships? This wanting but not having? This tug and pull, this "distance makes the heart grow fonder" concept? Do I love more fully because what I want, what I love, is not within arms reach? I believe in loving hard to no end, but I also believe in protecting myself, or perhaps my mind and body believe in protecting itself. I do not want my heart squished, and I know Isaac has no intentions of doing this. The mistakes between us are of the past, and I have finally accepted this.
You know I never thought love could be so grey. In my mind it was like "if he crossed you once, or made a mistake you are gone." The relationship is over. We are human beings though for goodness sakes!!! We mess up, we don't know what we want sometimes, we make poor choices. Many think my decision to marry Isaac while he is incarcerated is a poor choice. Many think that since we have never lived together, that we do not know each other well enough. Yes we have not shared a living space, learned every subtle annoyance, or ate each other's bad cooking on a regular basis, but we KNOW each other. We know one another better than most know there long term partners because we have had this time apart, the 10 page letters, the phone calls squeezed into 15 minute intervals to really hash out who we are and want we desire from each other. Every little thing suddenly takes on a great deal of importance.We look forward to those little things! We look forward to normalcy! I want nothing greater to never hear or see or think about anything regarding prison ever again. I will be one happy lady when that day comes. Yes we will never be truly rid of the "ghost" of prison past, but life will be about NOW, not the circumstances of his incarceration, or the taboo nature of loving an inmate.
I have gotten slightly off track. I started discussing how much my life has changed. Is it for the better? Is it just different? Is my happiness contingent upon another person? This I do not fully know or understand yet. But as I always come back to the fact of what I know about life. I know that human relationships seem to make this world go round. I know that I love Isaac and that he loves me. Why is it so wrong to just go with the moment? Not to flee responsibility, not to disown the world, but to live without constantly wondering if you made the right decision, or why you are not in the place in your life that you thought you would be in by now? I thought I would be married with three children by my age. I thought I would be working in the field that I studied to make a career in. I thought I would still live in a large city, still be haunted by my past, still loathe life. But me, as I am, am happy and for this moment that is all I can cling to and all that matters.
Wow!
Wow I didn't realize that it has been so long since I have posted! I am going to do a couple entries this weekend and try and catch up! I have been having a bit of a tough time lately dealing with some depression and life circumstances. I have apparently neglected quite a few things in my life, but I am eager to get back to blogging!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Rip Me Away
I feel so tired right now, actually just plain exhausted. Yesterday I went through three hours of "marriage counseling" with Isaac. I walked into that prison thinking this experience would be different than normal visitation, but it actually seemed worse to me. You would think spending three hours together would be great, but it really only emphasized the distance that constantly exists between us because of the nature of this situation.
No hugs or kisses were allowed at the beginning of class. We had to sit facing forward on either sides of the table. We sat through a 3 hour lecture basically on communication and warning signs of relationships with no interactive or personal learning experiences. I wanted to pull my hair out and even glancing at Isaac seemed inappropriate. They gave us five minutes at the end of the session to hold hands, talk, and to hug and kiss. FIVE minutes. I left feeling empty and numb, but what should I have expected? This is prison for goodness sakes! They are afforded nothing, no luxuries, no special moments, and you know those of us there for the class, by association were afforded nothing as well. To the guards, and even to the teachers, nothing about our relationships, our desire to marry, was fully appropriate or a cause to celebrate. I felt we looked foolish for wanting to create an outward symbol of our love for each other. The other prison fiances looked as unenthusiastic as me, yet slightly numb to the whole situation. I felt like my emotions were attacking me. One man's soon to be spouse did not even show up. I felt like a joke, and I felt such an intense longing for the one I love sitting only inches away from me, yet so far away in that moment.
I was left feeling drained, incomplete, even sorrowful with a full blown headache and a need to soothe myself with food or a cigarette or anything that would distract me from the experience I just had. Maybe I should have been grateful just to be in the same room as my love for that period of time. Many do not even get that. Maybe I should have powered on, looked at the bright side, felt renewed in my desire to marry Isaac. I don't even really know how I feel at this point. I woke up so so tired and weary this morning. All I want is to talk to Isaac on the phone, to be able to hash through this experience with him, to hear his thoughts on how it went, but I cannot do that. Phone money is scarce, actually non-existent at this moment. Money period is missing from my life. I feel so lost, ripped away from the one who holds my heart. Sometimes I think I sound like a hopeless romantic sprinkled with hints of reality here and there, but I love this man. Sometimes I do not even know exactly why, but I know the minute I see his face, it is all over for me. He is mine and I am his. Our love permeates through me. So I think to myself is this worth it, to be constantly torn apart literally and inside my being? But then I remember why I do this, and think to myself, every time I see him no matter the circumstances, they will have to rip me away to separate the love we share.
No hugs or kisses were allowed at the beginning of class. We had to sit facing forward on either sides of the table. We sat through a 3 hour lecture basically on communication and warning signs of relationships with no interactive or personal learning experiences. I wanted to pull my hair out and even glancing at Isaac seemed inappropriate. They gave us five minutes at the end of the session to hold hands, talk, and to hug and kiss. FIVE minutes. I left feeling empty and numb, but what should I have expected? This is prison for goodness sakes! They are afforded nothing, no luxuries, no special moments, and you know those of us there for the class, by association were afforded nothing as well. To the guards, and even to the teachers, nothing about our relationships, our desire to marry, was fully appropriate or a cause to celebrate. I felt we looked foolish for wanting to create an outward symbol of our love for each other. The other prison fiances looked as unenthusiastic as me, yet slightly numb to the whole situation. I felt like my emotions were attacking me. One man's soon to be spouse did not even show up. I felt like a joke, and I felt such an intense longing for the one I love sitting only inches away from me, yet so far away in that moment.
I was left feeling drained, incomplete, even sorrowful with a full blown headache and a need to soothe myself with food or a cigarette or anything that would distract me from the experience I just had. Maybe I should have been grateful just to be in the same room as my love for that period of time. Many do not even get that. Maybe I should have powered on, looked at the bright side, felt renewed in my desire to marry Isaac. I don't even really know how I feel at this point. I woke up so so tired and weary this morning. All I want is to talk to Isaac on the phone, to be able to hash through this experience with him, to hear his thoughts on how it went, but I cannot do that. Phone money is scarce, actually non-existent at this moment. Money period is missing from my life. I feel so lost, ripped away from the one who holds my heart. Sometimes I think I sound like a hopeless romantic sprinkled with hints of reality here and there, but I love this man. Sometimes I do not even know exactly why, but I know the minute I see his face, it is all over for me. He is mine and I am his. Our love permeates through me. So I think to myself is this worth it, to be constantly torn apart literally and inside my being? But then I remember why I do this, and think to myself, every time I see him no matter the circumstances, they will have to rip me away to separate the love we share.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)