Husband Knows Best?

Isaac has a lot of strong opinions on life, especially on our life. One of these surrounds my health and habits. I am diabetic and have had some subsequent health issues in relation to that. I spent last night in the ER with chest pain. The doctors were worried I might have a blood clot from recent traveling. I could hear in his voice he was scared to death about my health and I hated that. I don't want my husband to constantly worry.

Long story short, I did not have a blood clot, but my health remains risky. We always talk about wanting to have children, but I would really need to get my health in order for that to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging. Then I think what reason would I have to do this? Essentially I am cutting down the years I have to spend with my husband and we have a lot of catch up to play. Why can't I just eat healthier? Why can't I exercise regularly? Why can't I value my life because it seems like my husband values it more?

I could say that his incarceration has brought a lot of stress, because it has. But that is no excuse to eat whatever and to become a sloth. I was sick with no symptoms before he got locked up, so to say it is stress, could maybe be a half truth. I have definitely learned to handle the stress of having an incarcerated loved one better, yet my health remains poor. Incarceration takes a toll on loved ones I think that is very often unseen. We grieve silently, we feel shame and guilt hidden behind happy masks. It is taken out on our body, lashing us, beating us into submission and perhaps the only thing to do is to fight back.

Doing things that take up time is always recommended when your loved one is away. Why not rebuild your mind and body? Why not create a different perspective on life? There is always this theory that life has to stop when your husband goes away, but in fact Isaac has been trying to shoe me forward this whole time. Maybe he does know best in this case? I mean yes my health is important, but I also want to look my best for when he comes home as well. I also know I am going to need some stress relief habits for when I am dealing with him with parole fees and appointments, etc...

Anyway I think I have fought Isaac knowing best because I wanted to be right and because quite frankly I am in denial of my health being bad. NOW is the time to act. We lose so much time to incarceration. Why lose time to poor health or any other habit that is holding us back?

Directions

Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted last. Since I began full-time work, a lot of the things I did in my free time have gone by the wayside. I have been thinking about directions lately. The direction life takes you in, the direction of future plans, the direction of this blog. I have been toying around with maybe changing up the style of it. Now I basically rely on more of a narrative format, but maybe it is time to mix in a little more practicality surrounding being a prison wife or the loved one of someone incarcerated. I know there are a lot of people out there living this life alone and surrounded by guilt, shame, and secrecy. My first goal has always been to support and I recently got an email from an individual saying my blog reminded her that she is in fact not alone on this journey. I welcome questions, ideas for posts, advice, etc..and would love to gear my blog in a direction that will be helpful to as many people as possible.

I do believe just narrating my experience does help people, but I think I want to add some other elements. Obviously being a prison wife is not the only thing I am. I am just throwing some ideas around, but I definitely want to take more time to update my blog. I enjoy it thoroughly.

Just to let everyone know a little update, my husband and I are doing really great! We just celebrated two years of marriage and are going strong. He know has under two years left on his sentence and we are gearing a lot more towards the logistics of him coming home. He is so sweet and showered me with presents and cards for Valentine's Day. We got a 3 hour visit that day, which was amazing and we just kind of take things a day at a time. We are struggling using too much money for the phone, but we all know that is a common struggle for most couples. He is doing great in his program and is in the next to last phase to completing it. I am very proud of him!

I would love to connect with anyone who needs support or just to chat about shared experience so feel free to comment or email me!

Strange Sensations

I have been thinking a lot lately about my husband coming home. I dream about it, I fantasize about when he will be free of the walls of prison. It hurts in my gut right now, the missing him. I feel peculiar, as though I have an itch I can't scratch, yet extremely sad and excited at the same time. He is almost under the 2 year mark, less with time cuts, and I am left scattered and wondering how I will get everything set up for him to come home.

I worry a lot, if you haven't guessed. I worry that we won't be able to find a place to live that will be ok with a felon. I worry about money and how tight it will be with court costs, etc...Should I be embracing this strange feeling of excitement or drown in the what ifs? I have been waiting a long time to see an end in sight. I want that end to turn out well. There is a fine line between catastophizing and thinking ahead.

This is my constant battle. I fight it night and day. I am sick of fighting it. It's like my husband has been gone so long, I forget what he was like in the free world. I have almost forgotten what he looks like in street clothes, how it feels to lay my head on his chest, to kiss for as long as we want, for him to hold me. The closer that comes into view, honestly all I can think about and freak about is what is life going to be like married to a felon? If you have read my earlier posts, you will remember we got married since he has been in. We never lived together when he was out. We have a lot of adjustments.

I think I am just sick of a lot of shit. I am sick of changing my shirt 3 times at visitation or having guards look at me like I am a creature. I am sick of paying for phone calls and driving over 3 hours to see my husband every week. I know I know, I always come back to it. I chose this life. But when I am sitting at the staff Christmas party alone, I feel angry, when I am sick and lying in bed wishing he was here to take care of me, I feel angry. Why did he have to mess up? Why did he have to get in trouble? The present is all that I can hold onto because the past is gone. I guess that leaves the future and no matter what it holds, I made a promise a very long time ago to stand by my husband's side. I still feel passionately about that promise and even my worries will not shake that. I just need to vent every once in awhile!

Living Life vs. Waiting

I often struggle with the concept of living my life wholly and fully vs. playing the waiting game, placing things on hold while my husband is away. I think I have done the latter unintentionally these past 4 years, but it is really hard to continue to live your life as if something is not missing! My other half is missing. Our life together is missing! We don't wake up together or go to sleep together. We don't share meals or walks together. We can't cuddle on the couch or think about starting our family yet.

On the other hand, I yearn to keep some sort of normalcy and a life. I recently started a job and my coworkers invite me out on the weekends. Although it brings a certain sense of guilt, I enjoy getting out every once in a while. My husband sometimes gets upset about this, but what it comes down to I've learned is that he's more hurt he can't be enjoying the fun out here with me too. He really gets depressed and I feel guilty.

So where's the happy medium? I've started working out again, I see a therapist, work takes most of my day.  I spend time with friends and family. But sometimes it doesn't seem like enough, because I'm constantly thinking of Isaac. The more time grows closer the harder it is to be without him.

Some ladies devote their whole lives to their significant other. I'm not saying that's wrong, but for me it puts me in hyper focus and makes me sad and depressed. I'm always wondering what he's doing.

We talk about keeping our eyes on the prize, but can we do that while having a life? Devotion and obsession are two different things. I feel you don't want to look back on years of your life and wonder what you did. There has to be a happy medium. Discuss it with your man. Explain your need for a life outside of prison. If he loves you and wants the best for you, he will understand. 

The Prison Wife Life

There is a certain sadness that comes along with being a prison wife/girlfriend/fiancé, etc...Sometimes we try to pretend like it doesn't exist, like it isn't curled up next to us, that we are not alone, but still it lingers. It comes at night, it comes when witnessing others in happy relationships, it comes unprovoked. Time eases it and makes it worse all in one breath.

Isaac and I were in an apart period or a "broken up" period I guess you could say when he was arrested and sent to jail. I had no idea he was in there for two months. He wasn't ripped away from me, he simply disappeared. I know often the sadness and the trauma that comes from the loved one being "taken" from their significant other, which I think is very understandable, but I don't think you need that type of situation to feel the loss, to feel the sadness, the trauma.

There are those that are MWI "Met While Incarcerated" and they feel the loss and sadness too because in my opinion it is more about dwelling on what we are missing, feeling the absence of a person we have grown to love and care for. As I stated Isaac and I were not together before he became incarcerated even though we had dabbled in "something" for a period. Our time prior to incarceration was filled with turmoil. I was so mad at him and then when I found out he was in jail for some reason I softened. Was that good or bad? I am not sure, but I know I was sad, sad that a man I had met outside the context of prison, a gentle man was in a cage now. Now the majority of our relationship and all of our marriage is based on and set in the context of incarceration. I think that's what makes me sad at times, that I don't know my own marriage outside of a box. I think of all we could have had if he had not gone away. It drives me mad at time.  With time passing I get anxious.

This sadness dwells inside us and we push it away, or sometimes we wallow in it, sometimes we embrace it for what it is and continue on with our lives. I have seen some prison wives consumed by it. Maybe I am consumed by it.

At Last!

I'm so excited, but it's like at the same time I don't want to hope, I'm used to being let down. What I'm referring to, is my husband got into basically like a life skills program in his prison and we are thrilled! I haven't heard this much joy in Isaac's voice in a long time, probably never since he got to prison. He got moved out of 23 hour lockdown where he had sat for the better part of two years to a dormitory and he loved his new found "freedom." 

He also broke the news to me that we get weekly visits now instead of bi-weekly ones and they are for two hours instead of one! I broke down crying in the pharmacy when he told me this. I get 6 extra hours with my husband a month! That is if I can make it every week. Finally he said sometimes they have family days and have family come for picnics. I was like "say what?" If he completes the course he will get a 6 month time cut, which isn't too shabby either. 

On one hand I'm ecstatic, on the other I'm so afraid to have hope because we have had so many let downs. I'm thinking of all the what ifs and am feeling all nervous, when Isaac is walking on cloud nine. Perhaps I should dare to hope? What's the point of carefully dissecting the odds, etc...that will only bring him down. All he needs is encouragement and support from his wife and I will make sure to give all I have. 

Welcome Back Me! Some Updates

Wow I can't believe it has been quite this long since I have blogged! Time can just fly sometimes! Some updates on me. I finally got moved! I have been in my new city a little over 2 weeks and although I love it, it is an adjustment. I love being an hour closer to Isaac! I went for a visit with him last week. I am sadly still unpacking. Two days before I moved, I woke up with horrible back pain. I got through it though and drove a very large U-Haul 4 hours through a thunderstorm and rush hour traffic. My family and friends have been great helping me and I love my little apartment. It's very peaceful...and also two times smaller than my previous one!

Isaac is doing well. We have had our ups and downs as usual, but we are good. I think the move was difficult on Isaac as well and I don't know why this did not really occur to me at first. He could sense my stress and I wasn't writing, etc...Now that things have settled down, I am getting back into letters. I got 4 out to him this past week!  I will visit again hopefully next week.

I don't have internet yet in my new place so I have been bored out of my mind. I started reading again though, which feels strange yet wonderful and I went to the gym for the first time since my back was so bad. I really should go to the gym today. Hey maybe I will. I just can't shake waking up so tired for some reason today, even after a cup of coffee.

It is hard being in an entirely new place, where you have to meet new people, establish yourself, begin working at a new place, get settled in, etc...I can't lie I am a little homesick, but it does help to know that Isaac is physically closer to me. Just knowing that helps.

During the time I have been away, I will be honest, I have had some serious doubts about whether I could continue this waiting, this feeling of being on hold. I don't know exactly what was triggering it, I was just really, really tired. After so much time has passed, you start to get a little tired. But I think it is all about refocusing, taking care of and doing things for myself, and remembering what is important in my relationship with Isaac. I can't let prison define who we are. I have said time and time again if we let LOVE not PRISON define our relationship, then we are indeed free.