Awkward and Ashamed?

So I went out to dinner with my best friend (he is a guy), and had a good time, but was introduced to a somewhat awkward situation. I live in a small town and so when we go out to eat, the waitresses know us and we see them often. We are all very friendly, but have never gotten past the superficial conversation stage. Well today the restaurant was pretty dead, so my friend and I were chatting with the waitresses for a bit. One asked about my wedding ring set. It was at this moment that we realized that everyone there thought that WE were married. This has happened before and we always find it amusing, especially since he is gay and I am already married, but it ended up bringing the conversation to an awkward place eventually.

This assumption was confirmed by one of the waitresses later on. I had been talking to her about her upcoming wedding and she was talking to me about my wedding and then of course it got awkward because I don't always like to give prison wedding facts to people I don't know very well. I always start stumbling all over my words. I want to make it clear that I am not ashamed of my husband and his situation, but my best friend doesn't like my husband very much, and I had no idea how these ladies would take the news that my husband is incarcerated. I think part of the problem was that I was enjoying a "normal" evening out and then somehow prison had to enter into it, but that is always the case. I try and do all these normal activities, but it remains a lonely journey because Isaac is not here to experience these things with me. I want to be at dinner with him and chatting it up with others, or able to show people a pic of him when he is not in a jumpsuit. There is always this little thing nagging me saying, "your life is not like others." I was being shown loving pictures of kids, boyfriends, fiances, etc...by the waitresses and I felt so left out. To make a long story short one of the waitresses asked why my husband was not with me and what kind of wedding I had, etc...when I finally awkwardly came clean, I knew there were assumptions and confusion. For some reason I felt almost wrong because I had told the truth. Did I feel ashamed? Maybe a little bit, but not of my husband, just of having to always have an explanation for the circumstances of my life. They stared at me with the usual face, a cross between disbelief and a tad disdain, almost as though I was so naive and being secretly taken for a ride by "a criminal." This is the man I love, the man I choose to be with, to wait for, but sometimes it is just so difficult to live this lifestyle. I know I don't have to explain why my husband is not here, or give an explanation for why I am always with my male best friend instead of my husband, or why I don't have children or family pictures to show, etc...I could go on and, but then again do I? Do I owe people an explanation? It is just one of those days where I feel as though I have done something wrong being married to an incarcerated man. It is really true that the family does pay in many ways too. I found myself wondering what if they tell people about Isaac being away? The whole town will know, etc..but the truth of the matter is the whole town probably knows anyway, and if they don't what does it matter if they find out? I guess it matters logistically or maybe people's opinions do matter to me more than I care to admit...Am I awkward? Yes. Am I ashamed at times? Honestly I don't know...I think I am ashamed of not being confident in my own life and myself when it comes to the whims of others.  

Alone

It is almost 3am and as usual I am lost in thought. It is usually these late night/early morning hours that gets my mind going, usually about Isaac and his situation...our situation. It is impossible to understand the longing, the loneliness that separation brings, unless you have been separated from something, someone, anything that you love. There is a push and pull, a tug, a friction created deep inside you that is the power source for you strength and your pain. You have fuel now, fuel now to hurt either openly, or in the depths of yourself and the depths of isolation.

I lay night after night awake in this bed, and ask myself why I do this, why I continue to embrace loneliness instead of to flee from it. But it is our thoughts that we cannot flee from, cannot set aside or bury deep. They build bridges, elaborate walkways, tunnels in the depths of the mind. Every blessed and damned scenario cross to the other side. My imagination is rich as are my thoughts, and sometimes this is my downfall. Because I loved him in a million languages and a million ways, I saw him differently than he saw himself. In his absence I see his redemption and I feel his love, so I hold on, I even embrace the loneliness, not treating it as victim, but as ally. I speak in peace often, but my heart knows only love and only war, only despair, and indecision. Isaac has caused me to choose. What exactly? And that is a mystery still at times. Love obviously, but love needs fuel, it needs grit, it needs a reason to grow, a reason to continue and not to fester. It is quite possible to feel great loneliness in times of great love. I love my husband, yet I am incredibly lonely without his physical presence here. It eats at me some days and other days it does not bother me. I get chills thinking of him lying next to me in our bed, conversations uninhibited by guards and electronic voices. All I can do is live one day at a time and celebrate the fact that I have conquered another day in this life. I do this because I know one day prison will fade away and all that will be left will just be us...

Moody Me

I guess it is just one of those months where everything seems to go wrong at once. I am trying to stay positive, but I have just been struggling a lot with a combination of not feeling well physically and life circumstances coming and going. My car has been in the shop for 9 flipping days and the mechanic has yet to do anything helpful apparently. It was running and now after replacing a part, it is not running at all...I almost lost it on the phone with him today because I can't quite seem to understand why he is so flippant about fixing my car? 9 days!

I am starting to feel a little better physically after getting some new medication which I am so thankful for. I had been having difficulties with the same health issue for more than 6 months straight with no relief. I am relieved believe me, but the only problem is I feel very bitter that my healthcare providers misdiagnosed me and failed to see something so simple, that in turn caused me quite a bit of pain and discomfort for a continued period of time. I got pissed at my husband because he at one point said maybe it wasn't getting any better because I wasn't taking care of myself properly, and yes I will admit I am not 100% great at taking care of my health, but I was doing everything I could at that point. It hit a nerve and it turned out to be the Dr.'s faults! My husband has been very supportive and there for me the best he can these past couple of weeks. Just hearing his voice is helpful. I am so thankful for that man. Sometimes I forget how well Isaac knows me. I am grateful for that and blessed that he puts up with my crazy, mood ass!

Anyway I am all over the place and I guess just checking in. I visited the hubby this past Weds and we had a good visit, although he was being sassy as hell lol. He got me feeling all frisky and wanting to rip his clothes off right then and there. I kept looking at him when he wasn't paying attention and feeling like I had to pinch myself because this wonderful man is my husband! Damn I think he is sexy as hell and he has a heart of gold. Most people do not realize or wish to recognize that. They wonder how anything other than a sub-human animal could be in prison. How can you love a monster? Being in prison does not make him a monster. I don't doubt that there are some really horrible people in prison, but there are also a lot of men and women who have made various mistakes, had lives going in very wrong directions, etc...people that still deserve to know what it is like to live life to the fullest. My husband never knew what it was like to feel special or truly loved, to know that people are rooting for him to succeed, not to fail. That does not change the fact that he messed up, but he should not be condemned when he is trying to turn his life around.

I think this is another area where all this random anger is coming from for me. I am so sick of the judgement, of the faces, the pity looks, the incredulous gasps, the questions, the wondering, the idea that neither him or I deserve a life and to be happy. There are so many taboo things in this life, and "prison love" is one of them. I guess I should just sit back and understand that, but I have never really been one to just sit back and accept people's ignorance. When you think about it, what is so wrong, so horrible about loyalty? About sticking by someone's side when times get rough? About testing the bounds of your love? About working through difficult situations? That all sounds like perseverance in a relationship and in life. What is so bad about that I ask?

I'm Still Around! An Update

Hey everyone! I'm still here. I haven't been blogging much because I have been having some health problems and have been dealing with some depression. I have been lacking in motivation shall we say. A little update: things are going pretty well between us. It seems like with every new conflict we resolve, we learn a little more about ourselves and our relationship. Navigating a relationship is never easy, but navigating a prison relationship is even more difficult. I think for us it gets hard because we both have a lot of insecurities and we both have mood issues (although he really won't admit it). Our emotions run very high and we get hurt very easily. Often I didn't realize how sensitive Isaac is because I think oh he's a guy, or he is such a tough person, he is in prison, he can't let his guard down, etc.., but his feelings are experienced in a very intense way for him and by me not recognizing that, I was hurting our chances of reconciliation on so many issues.

Isaac is doing well in prison, I guess as well as you can do inside a cage. He has 1 1/2 more months until he gets off of disciplinary idle and being in a cell 23 hours a day. He keeps his spirits up, his soul is indestructible and it keeps me sane knowing that. It eats at me to wonder if he is sad or happy, or going insane, or is being treated like a animal, or enduring daily humiliation, but I cannot let this experience age me, keep me in a pit of despair.

I cry as I write this because this experience comes along with stress, with pain, with emotion. I love him. I love my husband. All I ever want in this world is to experience him freely and without restriction. To begin a life that in essence began a long time ago. He is my miracle, the man who saved me from myself. How can a man who values life be thought of as a monster?

I visited Isaac yesterday with his father and his brother. We have separate visits so we have time to get in everything each of us wants to get in with my husband. I prefer it that way, but it makes for a lot of down time in the waiting room. We had a nice visit, but it is always so hard to leave. I started crying and he felt bad. It is just difficult to be left alone with your thoughts and feelings on the 3 hour drive home. His family wasn't much help for distraction because they slept all the way there and most of the way back.

Isaac is worried about my health and candidly talked about how we both say we are going to get our health in order, but we just do a lot of talking and not much action. He even went as far as saying he didn't want me visiting or writing until we could start following through on the things we have said. I know though that he cannot live without his visits and letters. They mean a lot to him, so either he is bluffing or he really does mean business. He is right though. I do need to get my shit together. My health is not the greatest and I need to make some changes. I want to have children together and be around for as long as I possibly can.

Well anyway I just wanted to check in and say that things are going pretty well. I miss him intensely and I worry a lot about the future, about when he comes home, about him being on parole, etc...I know life is going to be hard and that is reality, but maybe we will be blessed, in fact I think we already are to have found each other in such a deep place of despair.

Reading My Blog? Please Follow!

Hi everyone! I know from my stats and numbers that quite a few of you out there read this blog and I am every so grateful and appreciative of that! I was just hoping that those of you who do read it on a regular basis will consider following my blog here on Google, or comment if you feel so inclined. I would love to get to know more of those who read this, and have input into how the blog is going. So, if you feel like it, I encourage you to follow my my blog openly or anonymously and encourage others to read it and/or follow it. This really isn't a request for more readers, although that is never a bad thing, I just really would like to get a better sense of who is reading this, who this is important to, and what people think! Thank you every one from the bottom of my heart!  I love being able to share my life and struggles with you all! Keep reading!

Lazy Days of Thinking

I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.

I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.

It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.

Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years??  People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.

Great Visit!

At the last minute, my father-in-law, brother-in-law, and myself decided to visit my husband this past Wednesday. At first I was frazzled to be going so soon because I had planned on going Saturday, but I started to get really excited to see my husband. It had been two weeks since we had last visited. I drove the 6 hour round trip myself as his brother and dad slept the whole time, giving me way too much time to think. I hate that frantic feeling I get when leaving a visit. It is like I don't know what to do, say, or feel. Everything feels all twisted inside and I have all this excess energy. My mind runs a million miles a minute. It never gets easier to leave Isaac at that place.

Anyway it was a really good visit! We laughed and joked a lot! I just melt every time he smiles. He used to never smile or laugh and now he does all the time. It brings me such happiness to know that he can still keep a sense of humor while being in prison. We didn't have any arguments and it was just such a nice relaxed time over a couple sodas and a hot pocket stuffed with Cheetos :-) The guards working were all very respectful and nice and I didn't have to wait long to get in to see him. It feels so natural and so comfortable to be with him, and so it makes me miss him that much more when I have to leave. It is hard to have a husband but not "have" a husband. His absence is like a hole in my heart, and every time I see him, it brings me great joy, yet great sorrow. Like I said it was a great visit, and he had a really good visit with his father and brother also.

I feel a sense of peace more these days in regards to my marriage. We were having a very rocky time in terms of lots of arguments and feeling sad and depressed and lost. We got into one very hurtful arguments that sent me into a downward spiral for days. I felt torn about our relationship. I wondered if we really ever understood each other like I thought we did. Isaac was having all these doubts and crazy thoughts that I couldn't stay faithful to him out here, or that I was up to no good in some way. The time had started to get to him, and he is on 23 lock down, so he is couped up in his cell all day long. He has been making a really big effort to stop the negative thoughts when they come up. I told him that he needs to try and relax and to be happy that he has a good woman waiting for him here at home who has promised to stand by his side. He is not alone or forgotten. I am always with him and will be always with him.

Back to the visit now. On the way home I did a lot of thinking. I was so happy to have seen Isaac and to have had a wonderful visit. I feel like it is enough to sustain me until the next time I see him. I was having a rough couple of days prior to the visit and to have him just sit and listen to my thoughts and feelings made me feel so much better. I love that man so much. I can't wait until our next visit. I will never be comfortable with this lifestyle believe me. I will never get used to it, even though I at least get more acclimated to it, but I feel more of a contentment with my marriage and my relationship. I know that Isaac is the love of my life. I know it. That fact alone, is enough to continue to keep my promise to stand by his side.