Wandering The Desert

It's one of those days. I miss Isaac terribly. I even talked to him twice on the phone today. I just feel very alone and very disconnected from my relationship at times like this. Our marriage is strong, but it seems like the closer we get to him coming home, the slower the time goes, and the harder things get. We get into petty arguments. We hurt each other's feelings easily. Isaac fears I will leave him. I don't know how to calm his fears. I have been here by his side for 5 years! Why would I go somewhere right when I am about to get the prize I have waited so patiently for? I love Isaac with a love that surpasses my own logic. He is mine and I am his. I love him dearly. I just want him to be home already. I want to be in his arms and him to be in mine. I know I am starting to sound corny, but it is absolutely true and what I fantasize about all the time. Not necessarily the sex, but the intimacy of unlimited touch.

I feel like I am wandering a desert. Isaac is the water I need and I am so thirsty. Don't get me wrong he makes me mad often and I have yelled and pouted and even screamed through the phone a few times. He can frustrate me immensely and me him, but at the end of the day our love, our relationship is strong.

I have been trying to makes some preparations and positive changes lately in my life to get ready for Isaac to return to the free world. I am in the midst of interviews for a higher paying job as much as I love my current position. I am putting little bits of money in savings. I know Isaac will need a lot of things when he gets out and he will also have the cost of home detention when  he gets out. I need to learn to budget better though. I eat out too much, I spend money on unnecessary items all the time, and sometimes I will admit it some bills are paid late. I need to build my credit up so we can eventually buy a house. I need to set concrete goals and stick to them.

At this point I kind of feel like I am just ranting and raving. It has been an off day. I need to busy myself with some cleaning and preparation for my interview on Monday. I'm still not entirely unpacked from moving like 3 months ago. I am all over the place. I need structure for Isaac and now is the time to start working on getting it. I really do feel like I am thirsty and wandering the desert for organization, for planning, for Isaac, for time to pass, for that blessed day to come. I must be patient and I must remind myself of that over and over again.

How Do We keep Our Hope?

Isaac's incarceration is wearing on me I will admit it. I am tired, very tired. I want the life I see in my head, and the reality of the situation is, it just isn't time for that life yet. For some this is temporary, for other's this will always be their life. That is another reality that must be realized. Our loved ones are all serving different sentences some with an end in sight some without. How do we keep our hope?

I used to think if I wrote enough and visited enough and did everything a good prison wife does that I could keep the light of hope burning, but I soon realized that hope is indeed not entirely external, in fact it is very internal. We have to want to hope that things will one day get better or the status quo will even out or we will be satisfied with what we make of our lives. Prison puts a damper on life. It can deaden our loved ones hopes and dreams, even their soul. It can do the same to those of us on the outside. How do we protect ourselves against a loss of hope in the face of incarceration? I had some very dark days in the beginning of my husband's jail time and subsequent prison time. I lost all interest in activities in things around me and I lost hope because in my eyes his sentence was long and I never thought I would survive it. You see that is another point I want to make. Hope is about survival. you survive the pain, the haziness, the unknowing, the disappointments and the loneliness. Our hope lies in our loved ones. Our hope then becomes externally based on a living, breathing being that counts on us to an extent for their own hope. Sometimes we have to hope for them when they cannot see then end in sight. 

So to bring things to a close I am feeling tired, a little hopeless, but not void of hope because when I do not hold my own hope, my husband holds mine for me until I am ready to myself again. Hope can come from our families, our children, our pets, our friends, our work, our activities, but it has to come, it has to be there for this sort of relationship to survive. So hope on, I will try my best, even in the wake of just wanting "normalcy," I will draw my strength and hope from within myself and from Isaac and I will use it to remind myself that whatever the circumstances it's loss would be more detrimental than anything. 

Families Behind Bars in Indiana

Hello everyone! I just wanted to make people aware of a group on Facebook that is helping people with incarcerated loved ones in Indiana. It is called Families Behind Bars. There is a local meeting, but soon an online chat will be started. The chat will be Sunday April 26th at 7:00pm EST. We are not chatting through Facebook, but through slack.com. Anyone from ANYWHERE can join in on the chat! Friends, acquaintances, or family members welcome. I will post the link for it if anyone feels like it would be beneficial to talk with others in a similar situation. Having an incarcerated loved one can be a lonely and scary thing and so support is always needed! It will just be a relaxed chat where anyone can bring up issues related to their lives and their loved ones incarceration. Here is the link to families Behind Bars on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Families-Behind-Bars/563050973826710 and here is the link to the chat event: https://www.facebook.com/events/960418197324544/. If you have any questions please email Families Behind Bars at familiesbehindbarsinfo@gmail.com! I will be on the chat!

Fighting The Good Fight

Hey folks! I am doing pretty well! That last post was one I started quite a while ago and decided to publish. We are considering a modification for Isaac currently. He is now under 2 years left on his sentence and that is not even counting his upcoming time cut. I never thought I would see these days. It just comes to show that if you are able to be patient and wait, the clock has to inevitably wind down. I consulted a lawyer last week concerning the modification. I would have to retain him and then we would send out for information regarding his case. He said not to retain him until after Isaac has completed his program which he is only a couple months from doing.

Isaac and I are doing well. We still are struggling with writing snail mail, but we continue to send emails and videograms on the daily. I visit every weekend and pray every time that my car makes it! It has such high mileage now after years of driving to visit him. We talk about the future and I am getting ready to ask my landlord how she feels about him coming to live with me. I'm nervous as hell about that!

Work is going well for me. It is super busy, but I fight through the anxiety and the chaos and continue to be happy for myself that I am back to work. I am not perfect, but I try my hardest for my clients. I am still struggling to make more friends, and conjure up the energy to do more social activities. I volunteered to table at a event regarding the prison system on Saturday, visit Sunday morning hopefully, and a walk to help fight to end homelessness Sunday afternoon. A busy weekend right? Well I am off to get ready for work. I know I need to update this blog more often. As I always say, life gets in the way! Keep on fighting the fight!

When The Clock Stopped

Sometimes I feel like I have fallen asleep in my life, that I'm constantly waiting for something. Waiting to lose weight, waiting to feel more attractive, waiting to make more money, and of course waiting for my husband to be released from prison. There are times in my life, things from my past, unpleasant memories that I want to forget. I realize that most often that is what I want..to forget, to sleep in the presence of pain. To pretend like Isaac never went to prison, that are life is as we want it to be now.

I write sometimes to express some things that I will never verbalize to a soul in my daily life. I write to release and I write so people know that they are not alone. Incarceration, loneliness, depression, life stressors exist for so many. I feel rather lost right now because I exist always in the space of absence. Part of me has kept myself that way to protect myself from unpleasant things in my life, but it keeps me from living life as well.

One of the biggest concerns from prison wives is that they feel as though their lives have been put on hold while their loved one is away. That life had to stop at a specific date...his arrest or maybe his sentencing. That is when the clock stopped. When did the clock stop for you?

In some ways I live my life, I live for every day and I do not let my husband's imprisonment stop me from living. I go to work. I socialize, I do activities. On the other hand, there are definitely things that I refrain from doing. There are parts of my routine that are tailored around my husband's incarceration. Sometimes that has to be the way things are. You have to schedule time in for visits and phone calls, etc...Right now at 6am I am trying to figure out if I have enough money for his commissary order this time. It is rather large! I hate feeling stuck, but there is nowhere to go but up. We have to be dedicated in this life, if we are half-assed prison wives for lack of a better word, we are missing our hearts. We have left the whole thing with him. That is not a way to live.

Sick and Tired

Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing better than I am. I have a bad cold and had to do a half day at work today. I have been sick for almost 10 days and have just had it with feeling crappy. I probably should have stayed home from visiting my husband this past weekend, but I am glad I got to see him. I just hope I didn't get him sick.

I'm feeling down on myself because all I can really do is rest up and chores and housework and errands are piling up at home. I just don't have the energy physically. I am so completely spent. I emailed my husband today asking him to call me even though we had planned on tomorrow to talk, but he called today and I was glad we got to speak. We both expressed the sentiment that we wish he was home with me. All he wants to do is be able to be there for me and to take care of me when I need a helping hand. I could really use a helping hand about now.

It seems the closer we get to his out date, the more intense the longing for him to be home gets. I never thought I would see his time under 4 years, but now here we are under 2 not even counting his time cut! That is amazing. It is amazing, but still a ways away. I love my husband so much. I just want this leg of our life journey to begin! I am chomping at the bit!

I need to realize though that I have to prioritize some things in my life, such as my current health situation, work, my sister's wedding, my own emotional health. I should take time to focus on these things instead of sitting around longing for him to be home and for things to be different. Yes right now I am sick and tired, but perhaps with the will tomorrow I will be productive and engaged in life. That might be helped along by me going to bed early tonight lol! I need my rest. I know I worry my husband, so why not focus less on his time and more on ways I can lesson his stress in relation to worrying about me? I think that is a fabulous idea! We have also kind of fell out of writing snail mail. We email and do videograms, but we have just stopped writing letters. I miss those! I used to wait eagerly to check the mailbox. I have hundreds upon hundreds of letters in shoe boxes. I think writing more should be a goal as well. Mail call is everything to them and I want my husband to feel loved...well I am headed to bed. I think I will end my sick ramblings now :-)

Awake

I'm laying awake at 3:30am the morning of visitation. I can't get back to sleep. Strangely enough, my husband's brother messaged me while I was lying here. He asked how Isaac is doing. How is Issac doing? Good on the surface, but I'm worried about his state of mind. He's so all over the place. 

I'm sick as a dog, but driving the many hours to visitation and I think about sacrifices. Have the last 5 years been a sacrifice? Yes definitely in a way. I just want to go to sleep for another hour and stop rambling, but I'm wide awake. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. 

Husband Knows Best?

Isaac has a lot of strong opinions on life, especially on our life. One of these surrounds my health and habits. I am diabetic and have had some subsequent health issues in relation to that. I spent last night in the ER with chest pain. The doctors were worried I might have a blood clot from recent traveling. I could hear in his voice he was scared to death about my health and I hated that. I don't want my husband to constantly worry.

Long story short, I did not have a blood clot, but my health remains risky. We always talk about wanting to have children, but I would really need to get my health in order for that to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging. Then I think what reason would I have to do this? Essentially I am cutting down the years I have to spend with my husband and we have a lot of catch up to play. Why can't I just eat healthier? Why can't I exercise regularly? Why can't I value my life because it seems like my husband values it more?

I could say that his incarceration has brought a lot of stress, because it has. But that is no excuse to eat whatever and to become a sloth. I was sick with no symptoms before he got locked up, so to say it is stress, could maybe be a half truth. I have definitely learned to handle the stress of having an incarcerated loved one better, yet my health remains poor. Incarceration takes a toll on loved ones I think that is very often unseen. We grieve silently, we feel shame and guilt hidden behind happy masks. It is taken out on our body, lashing us, beating us into submission and perhaps the only thing to do is to fight back.

Doing things that take up time is always recommended when your loved one is away. Why not rebuild your mind and body? Why not create a different perspective on life? There is always this theory that life has to stop when your husband goes away, but in fact Isaac has been trying to shoe me forward this whole time. Maybe he does know best in this case? I mean yes my health is important, but I also want to look my best for when he comes home as well. I also know I am going to need some stress relief habits for when I am dealing with him with parole fees and appointments, etc...

Anyway I think I have fought Isaac knowing best because I wanted to be right and because quite frankly I am in denial of my health being bad. NOW is the time to act. We lose so much time to incarceration. Why lose time to poor health or any other habit that is holding us back?

Directions

Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted last. Since I began full-time work, a lot of the things I did in my free time have gone by the wayside. I have been thinking about directions lately. The direction life takes you in, the direction of future plans, the direction of this blog. I have been toying around with maybe changing up the style of it. Now I basically rely on more of a narrative format, but maybe it is time to mix in a little more practicality surrounding being a prison wife or the loved one of someone incarcerated. I know there are a lot of people out there living this life alone and surrounded by guilt, shame, and secrecy. My first goal has always been to support and I recently got an email from an individual saying my blog reminded her that she is in fact not alone on this journey. I welcome questions, ideas for posts, advice, etc..and would love to gear my blog in a direction that will be helpful to as many people as possible.

I do believe just narrating my experience does help people, but I think I want to add some other elements. Obviously being a prison wife is not the only thing I am. I am just throwing some ideas around, but I definitely want to take more time to update my blog. I enjoy it thoroughly.

Just to let everyone know a little update, my husband and I are doing really great! We just celebrated two years of marriage and are going strong. He know has under two years left on his sentence and we are gearing a lot more towards the logistics of him coming home. He is so sweet and showered me with presents and cards for Valentine's Day. We got a 3 hour visit that day, which was amazing and we just kind of take things a day at a time. We are struggling using too much money for the phone, but we all know that is a common struggle for most couples. He is doing great in his program and is in the next to last phase to completing it. I am very proud of him!

I would love to connect with anyone who needs support or just to chat about shared experience so feel free to comment or email me!

Strange Sensations

I have been thinking a lot lately about my husband coming home. I dream about it, I fantasize about when he will be free of the walls of prison. It hurts in my gut right now, the missing him. I feel peculiar, as though I have an itch I can't scratch, yet extremely sad and excited at the same time. He is almost under the 2 year mark, less with time cuts, and I am left scattered and wondering how I will get everything set up for him to come home.

I worry a lot, if you haven't guessed. I worry that we won't be able to find a place to live that will be ok with a felon. I worry about money and how tight it will be with court costs, etc...Should I be embracing this strange feeling of excitement or drown in the what ifs? I have been waiting a long time to see an end in sight. I want that end to turn out well. There is a fine line between catastophizing and thinking ahead.

This is my constant battle. I fight it night and day. I am sick of fighting it. It's like my husband has been gone so long, I forget what he was like in the free world. I have almost forgotten what he looks like in street clothes, how it feels to lay my head on his chest, to kiss for as long as we want, for him to hold me. The closer that comes into view, honestly all I can think about and freak about is what is life going to be like married to a felon? If you have read my earlier posts, you will remember we got married since he has been in. We never lived together when he was out. We have a lot of adjustments.

I think I am just sick of a lot of shit. I am sick of changing my shirt 3 times at visitation or having guards look at me like I am a creature. I am sick of paying for phone calls and driving over 3 hours to see my husband every week. I know I know, I always come back to it. I chose this life. But when I am sitting at the staff Christmas party alone, I feel angry, when I am sick and lying in bed wishing he was here to take care of me, I feel angry. Why did he have to mess up? Why did he have to get in trouble? The present is all that I can hold onto because the past is gone. I guess that leaves the future and no matter what it holds, I made a promise a very long time ago to stand by my husband's side. I still feel passionately about that promise and even my worries will not shake that. I just need to vent every once in awhile!

Living Life vs. Waiting

I often struggle with the concept of living my life wholly and fully vs. playing the waiting game, placing things on hold while my husband is away. I think I have done the latter unintentionally these past 4 years, but it is really hard to continue to live your life as if something is not missing! My other half is missing. Our life together is missing! We don't wake up together or go to sleep together. We don't share meals or walks together. We can't cuddle on the couch or think about starting our family yet.

On the other hand, I yearn to keep some sort of normalcy and a life. I recently started a job and my coworkers invite me out on the weekends. Although it brings a certain sense of guilt, I enjoy getting out every once in a while. My husband sometimes gets upset about this, but what it comes down to I've learned is that he's more hurt he can't be enjoying the fun out here with me too. He really gets depressed and I feel guilty.

So where's the happy medium? I've started working out again, I see a therapist, work takes most of my day.  I spend time with friends and family. But sometimes it doesn't seem like enough, because I'm constantly thinking of Isaac. The more time grows closer the harder it is to be without him.

Some ladies devote their whole lives to their significant other. I'm not saying that's wrong, but for me it puts me in hyper focus and makes me sad and depressed. I'm always wondering what he's doing.

We talk about keeping our eyes on the prize, but can we do that while having a life? Devotion and obsession are two different things. I feel you don't want to look back on years of your life and wonder what you did. There has to be a happy medium. Discuss it with your man. Explain your need for a life outside of prison. If he loves you and wants the best for you, he will understand. 

The Prison Wife Life

There is a certain sadness that comes along with being a prison wife/girlfriend/fiancé, etc...Sometimes we try to pretend like it doesn't exist, like it isn't curled up next to us, that we are not alone, but still it lingers. It comes at night, it comes when witnessing others in happy relationships, it comes unprovoked. Time eases it and makes it worse all in one breath.

Isaac and I were in an apart period or a "broken up" period I guess you could say when he was arrested and sent to jail. I had no idea he was in there for two months. He wasn't ripped away from me, he simply disappeared. I know often the sadness and the trauma that comes from the loved one being "taken" from their significant other, which I think is very understandable, but I don't think you need that type of situation to feel the loss, to feel the sadness, the trauma.

There are those that are MWI "Met While Incarcerated" and they feel the loss and sadness too because in my opinion it is more about dwelling on what we are missing, feeling the absence of a person we have grown to love and care for. As I stated Isaac and I were not together before he became incarcerated even though we had dabbled in "something" for a period. Our time prior to incarceration was filled with turmoil. I was so mad at him and then when I found out he was in jail for some reason I softened. Was that good or bad? I am not sure, but I know I was sad, sad that a man I had met outside the context of prison, a gentle man was in a cage now. Now the majority of our relationship and all of our marriage is based on and set in the context of incarceration. I think that's what makes me sad at times, that I don't know my own marriage outside of a box. I think of all we could have had if he had not gone away. It drives me mad at time.  With time passing I get anxious.

This sadness dwells inside us and we push it away, or sometimes we wallow in it, sometimes we embrace it for what it is and continue on with our lives. I have seen some prison wives consumed by it. Maybe I am consumed by it.

At Last!

I'm so excited, but it's like at the same time I don't want to hope, I'm used to being let down. What I'm referring to, is my husband got into basically like a life skills program in his prison and we are thrilled! I haven't heard this much joy in Isaac's voice in a long time, probably never since he got to prison. He got moved out of 23 hour lockdown where he had sat for the better part of two years to a dormitory and he loved his new found "freedom." 

He also broke the news to me that we get weekly visits now instead of bi-weekly ones and they are for two hours instead of one! I broke down crying in the pharmacy when he told me this. I get 6 extra hours with my husband a month! That is if I can make it every week. Finally he said sometimes they have family days and have family come for picnics. I was like "say what?" If he completes the course he will get a 6 month time cut, which isn't too shabby either. 

On one hand I'm ecstatic, on the other I'm so afraid to have hope because we have had so many let downs. I'm thinking of all the what ifs and am feeling all nervous, when Isaac is walking on cloud nine. Perhaps I should dare to hope? What's the point of carefully dissecting the odds, etc...that will only bring him down. All he needs is encouragement and support from his wife and I will make sure to give all I have. 

Welcome Back Me! Some Updates

Wow I can't believe it has been quite this long since I have blogged! Time can just fly sometimes! Some updates on me. I finally got moved! I have been in my new city a little over 2 weeks and although I love it, it is an adjustment. I love being an hour closer to Isaac! I went for a visit with him last week. I am sadly still unpacking. Two days before I moved, I woke up with horrible back pain. I got through it though and drove a very large U-Haul 4 hours through a thunderstorm and rush hour traffic. My family and friends have been great helping me and I love my little apartment. It's very peaceful...and also two times smaller than my previous one!

Isaac is doing well. We have had our ups and downs as usual, but we are good. I think the move was difficult on Isaac as well and I don't know why this did not really occur to me at first. He could sense my stress and I wasn't writing, etc...Now that things have settled down, I am getting back into letters. I got 4 out to him this past week!  I will visit again hopefully next week.

I don't have internet yet in my new place so I have been bored out of my mind. I started reading again though, which feels strange yet wonderful and I went to the gym for the first time since my back was so bad. I really should go to the gym today. Hey maybe I will. I just can't shake waking up so tired for some reason today, even after a cup of coffee.

It is hard being in an entirely new place, where you have to meet new people, establish yourself, begin working at a new place, get settled in, etc...I can't lie I am a little homesick, but it does help to know that Isaac is physically closer to me. Just knowing that helps.

During the time I have been away, I will be honest, I have had some serious doubts about whether I could continue this waiting, this feeling of being on hold. I don't know exactly what was triggering it, I was just really, really tired. After so much time has passed, you start to get a little tired. But I think it is all about refocusing, taking care of and doing things for myself, and remembering what is important in my relationship with Isaac. I can't let prison define who we are. I have said time and time again if we let LOVE not PRISON define our relationship, then we are indeed free.

Fighting

Its been a bad day...I've been up since 5am. Got ready to go to the gym, and was writing Isaac an email when he called. I could sense his bad mood from the second I said hello. Let's just say it became a monstrous fight and has me questioning our relationship, probably him as well. It sounds weird, but sometimes I think Isaac loves me and hates me at the same time. He resents my freedom, he gets stressed out, he has pent up anger, and I become the target. I'm not saying I didn't do my fair share of name calling and finger pointing. We both did. I don't know how thing escalated so quickly. We hung up out of phone time, he tried to call back using that last minute, but the phone dropped the call or he hung up on me. 

I have no idea how he is feeling right now.  Hell I don't even know how I feel right now. I love my husband but I don't love us disrespecting one another. So I slept a bit, went to the gym, packed some more, and wrote him a short email tonight. I miss him. We are out of phone money until next month, so it's emails or letters. This is where patience comes in. I expect a nasty letter from him, but I wish we could just solve this. Here I am making great strides in my life and now I feel stuck. I know Isaac does too. I know he feels helpless. I just want this to all be worth it. Not one of those prison marriage statistics. I know we will work this out. It just takes patience. 

Money Woes

It's one of those months where the money for phone calls has run out early. I would spend some of my bill money on the phone if Isaac didn't strictly forbid me. That is how powerful hearing his voice is. I need it, I want it, I feel so much better after talking to him. This morning we just used our last couple of minutes. It makes me feel sad and depressed that we can't talk, but some couples in this situation can't talk at all, whether it be their man is in the hole or he lost privileges for some reason. Those are just a few of the scenarios, so I remind myself I must be grateful that we get to talk at all and I really should be reasonable and realistic, but when it comes to love, I feel like I have been bulldozed over. Nothing feels rational. Sensible has gone out the window.

Isaac and I know how much we love each other, but we also know we have to be preparing for the "real world." When he gets out, money will be super tight and we will have to operate from a realistic stand point. He will have fees for house arrest. He will have all sorts of fees probably for parole or probation, and he will probably have trouble getting a job as a felon. Ok I'm going off on a tangent and getting myself all worked up about money. So to make a long story short, Isaac is right. I need to not put money on the phone just because I want to hear his voice. It is not the way life works. I thought I was strong, but I suddenly feel very weak. There are a lot of tests in this life and I guess this is one of them.

Hard Days and Nights

I had a really hard day and night yesterday. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried myself to sleep. The enormity of the task of trying for the sentence modification and how Isaac will function out in the free world got to me. I worry he is institutionalized. He has spent more of his adult life in prison then out of it. After having a conversation with someone who works in prison advocacy, I got some potentially devastating news about one of his charges. Upon taking his plea agreement 3 years ago, he was not well informed. It makes me so angry that he was misinformed or uninformed or not informed of anything period.

Anyway I cried and cried, I ate bad food, I didn't exercise. I slept. I used every bad coping skill in my arsenal and felt devastated. I honestly wondered if this could be the demise of our relationship? If Isaac's "everything will be fine" attitude had me feeling so secure, that I missed the danger up ahead signs. I wrote an impassioned email to him full of anger and desperation, but then I stopped myself from sending it, because I know that gets us nowhere and it upsets him and makes him feel powerless. Well damn it I feel powerless too though! I didn't send it, I want to take some time to think about all this information, but it is eating me up inside. I am vague about Isaac's charges on purpose. It is pretty much prison wife etiquette not to discuss your husband's charges. I also wanted people to understand that Isaac could be any one of your men, sons, husbands. The charge doesn't matter, the experience, the journey does. I always write and speak of redemption for mistakes. I believe in the idea that one can make right what was wrong. It just seems like our judicial system doesn't want to believe in redemption. We have a society that screams about second chances and a system that wants to lock people up and throw away the key.

So here I am the next day. I feel rather broken and I have no one physically in front of me who will listen and can fully understand this situation. So I come to all of you, who know this feeling well. I know I am not alone. We are everywhere and this digital connection I have with all of you keeps me going. People make jokes that I am online too much and on every social media site. I don't think it is funny that people come to me for help when they feel alone, or I can spread information to so many. That's empowerment.

I have a lot to do today. A very busy day that my body wants to shut down on, but I am going to walk one step at a time and try and get through it because I know all of you are doing the same and that gives me strength..

I'm Exhausted and Nostalgic

I feel tired, pretty damn exhausted to be exact. I am trying so hard to keep up my workout and eating regimen and write Isaac and visiting, and work, and begin the moving process. I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. When I was driving back from the gym, it was just starting to get light out and I was looking at the frozen lake and the park and the suns rays peeking out. I was listening to Lana Del Rey and the words "summer nights in mid July, when you and I were forever wild," came on and it made me sad and so nostalgic. Isaac and I could be having a morning walk by the lake, we could be stealing kisses behind the big oak trees, lord I sound like a teenager, but that is what I feel like at times when it comes to Isaac. We didn't have much time together before he was gone, and we missed so many relationship milestones. We missed the beauty of falling in love out in the world. What we had out here was lust, with some feelings tossed in between. We fell in love in prison, we discovered each other behind bars. So basically I am nostalgic for what I have not had, little nuanced acts that want to bring me to tears when I think of them.

My mood is so much better with the exercise and the demise of winter slowly yet surely. Better days are coming, I can feel that. I pray that Isaac can get this sentence modification. I pray we can begin to make moments that before had got lost with prison. I'm in love and I want to express that, not always through the written word, or through pictures, or phone calls. I want to feel the warm skin of my lover and remind him of when we were "forever wild," our kind of forever wild.

No More!

Winter go away! I drove at 6:30am in snow, snow, snow to the gym. I want spring already! 

Keeping Busy

The biggest problem I have had since Isaac became incarcerated is keeping busy. I work only part time and living in a small town there is not a lot in the way of hobbies or activities. Well I have taken up working out both for my health and as something to do and it helps my mood a lot. Isaac and I made a bet that we were going to lose 20 lbs together, so here goes nothing. I am heading to my therapist's, and then to the gym for some major working out. Maybe even a class, which I am really shy about. I figure if I have to drive a half hour to the gym, then I might as well stay for awhile.