Ahead and Behind

Right now feels like a very thoughtful time in my life. The seasons are changing, bringing new insights and also reopening old wounds. With every burnt orange leaf falling, with the crisp chill in the air, I miss Isaac and I miss what we lack, what we do not get to have. I feel angry at him for keeping us void of the life we want, I feel great love for him in his absence. I worry, I wonder, I am plagued with the "what if" thoughts. I ponder how my life choices concerning Isaac, and in general will affect the future, those around me, my own well being. Fall and winter always clear room for thought, intense, retrospective and introspective thought.

Last night I decided to take a look at Isaac' last mugshot. I stared at it and stared at it. I would have burned a hole through that thing if I could have with my vision. He looked so lost, so desperate, so despairing. He looked defeated in that moment and in life. It made we want to cry for hours. You see crime and incarceration, I do not take them lightly. I do not dismiss charges that Isaac has and chop them up to just "not thinking," but I know in my heart that life circumstances, the way you were reared, the choices you make,  poor self-control, hell even poor self-esteem, all lent a hand to his desire to just escape life. That mug shot clearly showed that desire, that longing to just be free of one's demons, and ironically in that quest for freedom, Isaac became shackled. Both literally and in his life.

Back to me for a moment. I said that at this moment life feels extremely thoughtful, but now also very tough. It is always tough for Isaac, whether he earned that or not. My journey has never been a walk in the park, but I have been afforded opportunities that obviously allow me a bit more comfort and safety, but together we are both feeling so emotionally barren. It is the being without each other that makes life difficult. I feel stressed right now because the bills are stacking up and the funds are oh so low. Isaac has been having some health issues and since I am not technically "family" as his fiance, then I am not privy to any information on his condition. Life is trying when all I want to to is lay down and hate or be angry or be spiteful or wallow in my hurt that he is not here to help make our life better.

Some prison wives/girlfriends are able to take the sting of bitterness out of their relationship and their thoughts around the fact that their loved one has created a disadvantaged platform for them to survive on, that monitored and costly phone calls are necessary now, that driving hours for a two hour visit must occur, that everything most would think of as a necessity now has a price. They do not blame their loved one and do not harp on the "life choices" that brought their lives to this intersection. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am wallowing, maybe the weather just makes me want to think, think, think, but I do feel anger towards Isaac. Our relationship had not blossomed before he went in. He had no obligation to remain "good" for me, nothing of the sort. I think I am angry at the dysfunctional years of his life, the perils of a sad childhood, of the molding that occurred so early on to make him believe he was not worth anything. So then I am left thinking toward the future, wondering if he will want to believe in himself, wondering if he can see a brighter future for us together, that the aftermath of his incarceration will not make life any harder than it already is. I love Isaac so very much. I want to be his wife. I want us to start again, to one day put the cold steel behind us, throw the issued jumpsuits away, lay the pen on the paper, and hey maybe take a walk under burnt orange leaves, showering our heads, signaling death before life, change for necessity, and for growth.

The Worry Wart

I am a worry wart by nature. I have rather high levels of anxiety and could probably ruin the most peaceful and relaxing situation with a worry scenario. I used to have moments of sheer panic when Isaac would not call for a number of days or I didn't get a letter. I always thought the worst, such as he was injured or had gotten in trouble, a fight, who knows, maybe decided he wanted to break up. No worry was off limits. In the VERY beginning my fears more surrounded the idea perhaps he or I would decide that this journey was too hard and that we would have to just wait till he is released to have any shot at a healthy relationship. Yes of course we still have those thoughts from time to time, but very rarely. I didn't fear for Isaac behind the walls of jail. I knew he handled himself well and had unfortunately gone through those ropes more times than I care to admit. His safety was never an issue, gangs, brutal violence, those who feel they have nothing to lose serving life without parole, or a massive sentence of some sort. All of these are what I fear for him now that he is in prison. Isaac is in maximum security unfortunately. He himself said that that was an entirely new ball game. I had worried about this idea, the idea the some individuals with long sentences feel less inclined to follow the rules or do not care as much if they do something that would get them in trouble. I do not know anything about what life is like in there! My mind is forming pictures of the worst kinds of scenarios. I have told Isaac to stay focused because he is serving a very short sentence compared to most of the men he is housed with.

I worry about Isaac constantly. I knew he had served two previous sentences prior to our meeting between the last and this most recent. Is this "old hat" to him?  In a way it is, but for some reason these days I have more fear for him and worry often about his safety, possible detrimental situations he could come across, his health, his mental health, the choices he might make. I almost feel like a mother worrying about her child. Isaac has found himself in a maximum security facility far from home. He does not know anyone in this prison. He is alone. Sometimes I cannot sleep at night wondering what is going on in there. Prison relationships are hard! Very hard. They come with an unavoidable level of stress that can wear both parties down. Our stress is different but has the same end result. I try to tell myself that nothing can be changed by me worrying or me badgering him to be careful in there.

His choices are his own and you know he is a worry wort himself. He constantly worries about me, my safety, how day to day life is going for me. The source of the worry is the same:our desire for each other's well being to be protected. For now, for today, for this moment, for always, I will trust in God to protect my baby, to keep his mind clear and strong, and for Him to ease our worry if only for a time.

Wedding Bells Are Ringing

I apologize for being so absent from my blog for the past month! I have just been dealing with life's ups and downs and with the changing seasons, the sadness of missing my loved one. I do have some exciting news! Isaac asked me to marry him! I visited about three weeks ago and although it wasn't a huge surprise(we have talked about marriage for quite awhile), it was ever so sweet and absolutely perfect. Marriage has been a subject between us that always left me feeling torn. I love him so much and want to be his wife, but often I had concerns with how our lives will change with the vows we make. Isaac began speaking about marriage much earlier than I did and I wondered if it was just because he was incarcerated. I pondered if maybe he thought it would be a way to ensure that I would stay with him, or to ease his mind about me possibly finding someone else. You know what maybe partially that still does cross his mind, but this particular visit when I looked into his eyes filling with tears, I knew that man loved me with all his heart and would move the world for me if he could. I feel the same way. Marriage is not to be taken lightly and I freely admit that I am very limited in what the concept of marriage even means to me.

Isaac wants to get married in prison and after proposing, we started the process of applying for our wedding while he is incarcerated. Believe me I was that woman who said "hell no! I am never getting married to you while you are still inside!" I wanted a chance to really be a couple for a longer period of time in the free world before marriage, but I have been learning that life takes some interesting turns. We love each other and are well aware of the already apparent challenges of love "behind the wall." This life is so difficult as is, will marriage complicate it or create a stronger foundation? I believe it will help us grow stronger. I really do in my heart. We have come up through so much. Only time and some soul searching will tell what marriage means to us, and I plan on doing some serious thinking about how our relationship will change while we wait to finish the marriage process. This is a new step in my life, the seemingly next logical one. As my friends get married and have children on the outside, I yearn for a life that is seemingly "normal, seemingly uncomplicated." Perhaps comparison is not necessary, because standards and comparisons just lend themselves  to jealousy, pity, self-loathing in the life of a prison girlfriend/fiance.Maybe this is my "next logical step" and my life is moving in the direction that it is meant to move in. Maybe I don't need to dwell in the land of wish washy any more, woman up and proclaim that I love this man, and that that love is part of my life and will manifest itself in marriage. Maybe the ring and the dress and the setting are not as important as I thought. Maybe marriage is an entity, a concept and not the sum of our childhood fantasies.

So over a delicious meal of microwavable pork nuggets and two cans of orange soda, Isaac fumbled, looked anxious and nervous, playing with my fingers as he held my hand while repeating the words "I'm so scared," he looked up at me and in the softest of voices said "will you marry me?" I was overwhelmed by emotion and began to cry, tears falling down my cheeks. I saw Isaac's eyes welling with wetness and I whispered "yes" back. I love that man and I wouldn't have the proposal any other way. So over vending machine food with Isaac wearing his signature jumpsuit and me with my make up running down my face, he made me a proud woman.

Sorry I've Been Away

Hey folks! I just wanted to apologize for my lack of entries this past month. I had gotten into a rhythm with posting and then life got busy! I have some exciting things to blog about and will get to it in the next couple of days! Check back in!