That day I saw the sun and moon in your eyes. I recognized would I could not remember. I became familiar with that which I had always known. I married the man that brings me to tears with his love. I had so much turmoil in my heart and in my soul prior to our marriage. I discussed the pit of depression that I had fallen into, the despair of knowing Isaac has quite a bit of time left on his sentence, and my doubts and fears. Truth be told there were some things about myself, my life, and my past that I had never told Isaac in the two years we had been together. I felt horrible for not confiding in him and trusting him to understand the things that haunt me and perplex me. I decided one day in a moment of desperation, a moment where I could no longer hold the breath inside my chest, the words inside my mouth, I spilled everything I wanted to tell Isaac. His reaction made me shed tears of relief and joy. He was understanding, caring, reassuring, and gentle with me. He told me that he doesn't judge me for the things that have happened in my life, that he loves me and that love does not have stipulations. I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Suddenly everything became clear. I no longer had doubts about getting married. I mean I was close to dreading our wedding and we fought so much that we almost called it off. I suggested a break and Isaac couldn't handle that idea. He didn't understand why it would be necessary since we were apart so much anyway and have such limited communication.
Our upcoming marriage became solid. It became a thing to hope for, to look forward to, to believe that it would make life that much better. My entire outlook on our relationship changed. I was suddenly filled with joy and faith in the union we had created. I finally felt at peace. Everything changed at the point after I let my demons loose in the presence of Isaac and he did not reject me. I love that man more than life itself. I love him like the ocean meets the sky, never ending and with such a fervor or passion I fear I may fall off the edge of the world.
Flash to a couple of weeks ago, and it is the day of my wedding. I have spent literally months preparing for this moment. Every detail I scrutinized, every scenario I had going through my head as to what could go wrong. In the end it was combined into one lovely blissful moment. The moment I walked in that visiting room and saw Isaac sitting in the small glass room at least 30 feet away, the tears began streaming down my face and sobs racked my chest. I was filled with such emotion and love at that moment. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. Isaac did as well. We had four family members present and tears glistened on their faces as well. It was a wonderful occasion. It felt so comfortable to become Isaac's wife. Staring into each other's eyes throughout the time I felt that same sense of peace wash over me. In the depths of my mind and soul, it was a perfect moment. We visited afterwards and the next day as husband and wife.
Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I don't think I realized the extent of this when we first got engaged. I made a promise to stand by Isaac through anything and everything, to be his companion, to love and trust and learn to mediate between our differences. I am still learning the meaning of this concept. I think I will for the rest of my life. Our marriage has created pact between us, one bound by love and by compromise.
In the end the choice Isaac and I made to get married was a natural one. Our love feels natural and it always has, but I know longer doubt him, doubt our relationship, doubt my choices. Believe me this life is still not easy. It is hard as hell. I have horrible days sometimes, I have moments of despair, moments where I feel as though he will never come home, never be in my arms, never stand in front of me unhindered, but I know in my heart, that this time will pass away, this time will dissipate, and he will stand in front of me. Together we will no longer be pieces, but be whole.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Finally The Wedding!
I must apologize to all for neglecting my blog for over two months. A lot has been going on in my life good and bad as well as in my relationship with Isaac. We had our ups and downs and life refused to pause for my stubborn depression and lack of motivation. Well I'm back and ready to write my heart out!
So I have finally gotten up the energy to write about my wedding! After weeks and weeks of stressing and planning and stressing…it went really well! Honestly I feel like it could not have been better! My biggest concern was that somehow we would have hold ups at security, but besides the fact that one of my least favorite guards was working, everyone made it through without problems. My dress wasn’t even questioned! I chose to wear a green knee length dress with a black lace pattern and a blag shrug. I actually found my flowers at a supermarket for $10. They were large white with pink center Gerbera Daisies. My sister secured them with a green ribbon to match my dress. Beats the $60 bucks the florist wanted for the same thing!
We stayed the night at a hotel before and after the wedding and it was a great idea because I was exhausted and needed that nice relaxing sleep and dip in the hot tub. My family went out of their way to do so many nice things for me to make me feel special. It genuinely touched my heart. I guess I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be that excited since something could go wrong and it wasn’t a “real wedding” but then I realized I deserved to be excited and happy. It was the day before my wedding for goodness sakes! My sister had wedding balloons in the hotel room, an itinerary with my husband and my picture on it and our schedule for the next couple days and a nice card with $20 for the vending machines at the prison in it. My mother did so much for me as well I can’t even begin to thank her, especially since she was so sick and had a lot going on at work that week. His family made a great effort to show me love and support as well.
The Chaplain met us at security and was very nice and welcoming. The ceremony was great. I love my husband so much! The minute I walked inside the visiting room and saw him sitting there like 30 feet away I began bawling. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole ceremony and either could he. I loved being able to hold his hand and stare into his eyes the whole time. We brought our own pastor and she was so great and made the ceremony so special. My mother, sister, his dad, and brother were in attendance and it went off without a hitch. We were allowed a camera in and my sister took some great pics!
It felt so natural to marry the man that holds my heart. So right. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I said “I do” to him. He told me I looked beautiful and he looked so utterly handsome and sexy. That man gives me butterflies every time I see him. We got a visit afterwards, but some sort of emergency cut it short. It actually worked out for the best, because then I got to come back the next day to finish the visit. Two days in a row yay! Sorry this has been so long. I am all over the place, but I honestly and truly believed 100% that I was making the right decision for me marrying my husband. He holds my heart and always will. The day was one of the best of my life and I am so utterly happy. We had a phone “date night” the day after our wedding lol. Yes I have been dealing with the post prison wedding blues, but I’m hanging in there. No money on the phone now, but just writing a lot! Can’t wait to see him next week. Last visit he kept touching my ring and smiling. He loves his! Thanks all for reading!
So I have finally gotten up the energy to write about my wedding! After weeks and weeks of stressing and planning and stressing…it went really well! Honestly I feel like it could not have been better! My biggest concern was that somehow we would have hold ups at security, but besides the fact that one of my least favorite guards was working, everyone made it through without problems. My dress wasn’t even questioned! I chose to wear a green knee length dress with a black lace pattern and a blag shrug. I actually found my flowers at a supermarket for $10. They were large white with pink center Gerbera Daisies. My sister secured them with a green ribbon to match my dress. Beats the $60 bucks the florist wanted for the same thing!
We stayed the night at a hotel before and after the wedding and it was a great idea because I was exhausted and needed that nice relaxing sleep and dip in the hot tub. My family went out of their way to do so many nice things for me to make me feel special. It genuinely touched my heart. I guess I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be that excited since something could go wrong and it wasn’t a “real wedding” but then I realized I deserved to be excited and happy. It was the day before my wedding for goodness sakes! My sister had wedding balloons in the hotel room, an itinerary with my husband and my picture on it and our schedule for the next couple days and a nice card with $20 for the vending machines at the prison in it. My mother did so much for me as well I can’t even begin to thank her, especially since she was so sick and had a lot going on at work that week. His family made a great effort to show me love and support as well.
The Chaplain met us at security and was very nice and welcoming. The ceremony was great. I love my husband so much! The minute I walked inside the visiting room and saw him sitting there like 30 feet away I began bawling. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole ceremony and either could he. I loved being able to hold his hand and stare into his eyes the whole time. We brought our own pastor and she was so great and made the ceremony so special. My mother, sister, his dad, and brother were in attendance and it went off without a hitch. We were allowed a camera in and my sister took some great pics!
It felt so natural to marry the man that holds my heart. So right. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I said “I do” to him. He told me I looked beautiful and he looked so utterly handsome and sexy. That man gives me butterflies every time I see him. We got a visit afterwards, but some sort of emergency cut it short. It actually worked out for the best, because then I got to come back the next day to finish the visit. Two days in a row yay! Sorry this has been so long. I am all over the place, but I honestly and truly believed 100% that I was making the right decision for me marrying my husband. He holds my heart and always will. The day was one of the best of my life and I am so utterly happy. We had a phone “date night” the day after our wedding lol. Yes I have been dealing with the post prison wedding blues, but I’m hanging in there. No money on the phone now, but just writing a lot! Can’t wait to see him next week. Last visit he kept touching my ring and smiling. He loves his! Thanks all for reading!
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