It's one of those days. I miss Isaac terribly. I even talked to him twice on the phone today. I just feel very alone and very disconnected from my relationship at times like this. Our marriage is strong, but it seems like the closer we get to him coming home, the slower the time goes, and the harder things get. We get into petty arguments. We hurt each other's feelings easily. Isaac fears I will leave him. I don't know how to calm his fears. I have been here by his side for 5 years! Why would I go somewhere right when I am about to get the prize I have waited so patiently for? I love Isaac with a love that surpasses my own logic. He is mine and I am his. I love him dearly. I just want him to be home already. I want to be in his arms and him to be in mine. I know I am starting to sound corny, but it is absolutely true and what I fantasize about all the time. Not necessarily the sex, but the intimacy of unlimited touch.
I feel like I am wandering a desert. Isaac is the water I need and I am so thirsty. Don't get me wrong he makes me mad often and I have yelled and pouted and even screamed through the phone a few times. He can frustrate me immensely and me him, but at the end of the day our love, our relationship is strong.
I have been trying to makes some preparations and positive changes lately in my life to get ready for Isaac to return to the free world. I am in the midst of interviews for a higher paying job as much as I love my current position. I am putting little bits of money in savings. I know Isaac will need a lot of things when he gets out and he will also have the cost of home detention when he gets out. I need to learn to budget better though. I eat out too much, I spend money on unnecessary items all the time, and sometimes I will admit it some bills are paid late. I need to build my credit up so we can eventually buy a house. I need to set concrete goals and stick to them.
At this point I kind of feel like I am just ranting and raving. It has been an off day. I need to busy myself with some cleaning and preparation for my interview on Monday. I'm still not entirely unpacked from moving like 3 months ago. I am all over the place. I need structure for Isaac and now is the time to start working on getting it. I really do feel like I am thirsty and wandering the desert for organization, for planning, for Isaac, for time to pass, for that blessed day to come. I must be patient and I must remind myself of that over and over again.
