I am absolutely lost. It is as though my brain has been gutted and rewired, as though my sorrow has dropped down into my heart. Every day is wrought with confusion, doubt, questioning. There is no doubt that I am depressed, that I am anxious, that I am at my wits end, but the question is why? Why have I reached this place in my life and in my relationship?
I am not the only one having a hard time right now. Isaac is having down times as well. Today we talked for the first time in 5 days and I ruined the whole conversation by crying, sobs coming from my heaving chest. I tried to explain myself, but it just made things worse. The final straw was the fact that I told him I was feeling stressed about our wedding and needed some extra time to get everything together. He sounded so disappointed and upset. I felt horrible and all I was doing was trying to assert my needs.
Every day brings this heavy weight and this longing. I long for touch, for the proximity of love, for sex, for affection, for time spent together that never ends. the weight of the stigma, of people's ignorance weighs me down. I love Isaac, and I want Isaac, I just want him out here in the world with me. Every time I talk to him he apologizes profusely for the fact that he is away, but it doesn't matter. I don't need apologies, I need change, and action, I need the earth to spin faster, I need to look him in the face, I need to hash out a plan about how our future will be. I need intimacy not just physically, but of the soul. I need to get my brain all straightened out. What do I want out of this life? Where do I want to be? I feel that I lack progress and motivation, and I am so tired...so so tired. I hate this lifestyle, I tolerate it...barely.
Sometimes I even dare to wonder if this can be considered a real relationship. I can count the amount of time we spend together, the number of kisses we share, the times we touch. It is all measured and the memories of the past fade and become blurry sometimes. It feels like at times that the only Isaac I know is the one that is incarcerated. I can't even remember what he looks like in street clothes!
Gosh I love that man, so very much. He makes my insides melt, makes my heart remember why it beats. I am just struggling with remaining strong, with not feeling down all the time. I miss him incredibly. I don't know how I can keep this up for years? A relationship should fulfill me, should be a presence in my life. I know that this life is not ideal, that what occurs while Isaac is incarcerated is not all in my hands, that I must be patient and go with the flow. Maybe this is my plateau, one of those times where the weight of doing time with someone brings you down and you need to refresh yourself and your relationship. I miss him so much and I still feel slightly angry at him. I need and want him with me, but I must face reality. Life does go on. It always does.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Continue to Hope
Another two weeks have passed, another visit. It came and went, and Isaac and I had a great time, but I am always left feeling so empty afterwards. I know he feels the same way. These visits take everything out of me. I drive 6 hours round trip, get up at the crack of dawn, and then try to lodge down all my anxiety as I approach the prison and put my pleaser face on. I have this constant fear that they will take our visits away because of something that Isaac or I do accidentally. I know it probably is an unrealistic fear, but it adds to my stress of visiting.
I think it is the fact that for an hour I am given Isaac, he is there for unfiltered conversation, hand holding, kissing, and hugging. I have him as mine, and then the moment that clock hits an hour he is taken away from me, ripped out of my grasp, lost to me and it brings a kind of grief. Isaac feels like visits are the only thing he looks forward to every two weeks. He gets himself up and ready early and is waiting to be called, to hear those words saying that he has a visit. At the same time I sit in the waiting room and wait with baited breath for them to call Isaac's last name signifying that it is my turn to go through security. No I don't like the pat downs, the sniffing of drug dogs, the metal detectors and the condescending looks, but it is worth it to me as I put in my last post. I love Isaac and I am willing to make sacrifices, but sometimes I just feel so tired of this lifestyle. My family is in town, everyone all in their individual couples units, loving each other freely, simple touches unhindered by a higher power. Heck my sister and her husband took me grocery shopping with them and I LONGED for their life even if they were just making a decision about what kind of bread to buy.
That is their life and this is my life, and I can't be bitter about it because I choose to live it in this manner. I could tell Isaac that I can't do it anymore, or that I want to date other people and give us a chance after he gets out. We are beyond that point both in our minds and in our life though. We are getting married in the next number of months, we are starting a new chapter in our lives. I still feel torn at times. I want him, I want his love, I want to love him, and I want a "normal" life simultaneously. I realized the other day that I don't remember what it is like to go on a regular old date. Go out to dinner, maybe a movie. Cuddle on the couch. Is it the whole wanting because you cannot have? The wanting becomes tragically beautiful, the taut pull of desire and love. Some abuse this feeling, some embrace it, some like it, some deny it, but it does exist.
I want Isaac here with me, I want to begin our boring as hell "normal" life. I can live without the excitement and drama of incarceration forever. So here I am sitting here, thinking wistfully about how I want my fiance with me, cuddled by the fire with my family surrounding us. I think about shopping at the grocery store, I think about sharing a meal, going to the movies. I think about how exhausted I am from our visit, our only "dates" that we have now. Do I make the best of the situation? Do I lie down in bitterness or do I continue to hope, to hold our faith?
I think it is the fact that for an hour I am given Isaac, he is there for unfiltered conversation, hand holding, kissing, and hugging. I have him as mine, and then the moment that clock hits an hour he is taken away from me, ripped out of my grasp, lost to me and it brings a kind of grief. Isaac feels like visits are the only thing he looks forward to every two weeks. He gets himself up and ready early and is waiting to be called, to hear those words saying that he has a visit. At the same time I sit in the waiting room and wait with baited breath for them to call Isaac's last name signifying that it is my turn to go through security. No I don't like the pat downs, the sniffing of drug dogs, the metal detectors and the condescending looks, but it is worth it to me as I put in my last post. I love Isaac and I am willing to make sacrifices, but sometimes I just feel so tired of this lifestyle. My family is in town, everyone all in their individual couples units, loving each other freely, simple touches unhindered by a higher power. Heck my sister and her husband took me grocery shopping with them and I LONGED for their life even if they were just making a decision about what kind of bread to buy.
That is their life and this is my life, and I can't be bitter about it because I choose to live it in this manner. I could tell Isaac that I can't do it anymore, or that I want to date other people and give us a chance after he gets out. We are beyond that point both in our minds and in our life though. We are getting married in the next number of months, we are starting a new chapter in our lives. I still feel torn at times. I want him, I want his love, I want to love him, and I want a "normal" life simultaneously. I realized the other day that I don't remember what it is like to go on a regular old date. Go out to dinner, maybe a movie. Cuddle on the couch. Is it the whole wanting because you cannot have? The wanting becomes tragically beautiful, the taut pull of desire and love. Some abuse this feeling, some embrace it, some like it, some deny it, but it does exist.
I want Isaac here with me, I want to begin our boring as hell "normal" life. I can live without the excitement and drama of incarceration forever. So here I am sitting here, thinking wistfully about how I want my fiance with me, cuddled by the fire with my family surrounding us. I think about shopping at the grocery store, I think about sharing a meal, going to the movies. I think about how exhausted I am from our visit, our only "dates" that we have now. Do I make the best of the situation? Do I lie down in bitterness or do I continue to hope, to hold our faith?
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