So I went to visit my husband a little over a week ago. It was pretty last minute because I was planning and going with his family later in the week, but he called and asked me to come on Sunday. I felt bad because his family couldn't go and often times they can only go if I give them a ride, but he was adamant I come. I had been missing him pretty badly, so I was excited, just not looking forward to the 6 hour roundtrip drive. I hate leaving visits and then getting in the car and going straight home and being left alone with my thoughts for that period of time. I always get all introspective and analyze some of the visit and try to replay it in my head.
My husband was still pretty grumpy. I am not sure what exactly his problem is. I know part of it is he is frustrated that I have yet to get my health in order. What I think he doesn't recognize is that I start out every day trying, but sometimes falter...a lot. It doesn't mean I have given up though. I mean in all fairness, he is in prison...therefore I think he might have had some trouble getting some things straight in his life, so I don't know why he is so hard on me about this. I think partially it is because he is scared. He is afraid my health will deteriorate further. He wants us to have a long full life together, to grow old together, have a family and be happy and not plagued by worry regarding this subject.
Anyway it was a nice visit. We just drank some sodas and had a bag of chips. The guard for some reason came over and told us our visit was over and I had just got there 15 minutes prior to that. We adamantly stated this and finally he realized he had the wrong table and apologized profusely. I could see my husband was starting to get mad, so I'm really glad the guy figured it out quickly. We talked about Isaac's family and how sometimes I don't see eye to eye with them and get frustrated when Isaac refuses to get in the middle of it. It is his family for goodness sakes! I just feel like sometimes they take advantage of me driving them to visit all the time and I am the only one funding his books with what little extra money I have. Sometimes I just think they could make a greater effort to be there for my husband. We are all very different and have different morals and ideals, and I think sometimes this gets in the way of us understanding one another. Don't get me wrong, we get along, but have quite a few awkward moments and kind of passively avoid each other. They write occasionally and Isaac writes back from time to time, but they are not always very involved. Then again, I think they are tired of seeing Isaac in trouble. This is the third time they have watched him go to prison. He is so young and it had to have been very sad for them. I wasn't around for the first two incarcerations, so this experience has been new for me. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck any less though, that is for sure.
Well all in all it was a nice visit. It was great to see him and I loved our goodbye kiss! I enjoyed staring at my sexy ass husband for an hour! Man I want to jump that man! If only...Until our next visit, my mind will ponder and my heart will long. Some visits will be better than others, some periods of time in a prison relationship will be different than others. We just try and get through them, day by day, month by month, year by year.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Opinions From Lockup
Sometimes I want to pretend that my husband's opinion is null and void on certain subjects because he is in prison. I know that doesn't sound very much like a marriage compromise, and yes it really isn't. I think sometimes I use this excuse so that I do not have to improve myself in certain ways or make necessary changes in OUR lives.
This morning my husband called me and he once again started talking about how I need to take care of my health. These type of "lectures," as I had started to refer to them as were wearing my patience thin. I felt as though he did not recognize all the effort I had put forward to get my diabetes more controlled. Yes I still have a ways to go, but I felt like he was almost criticizing me. Yes there is so much I need to do. I need to lose weight, quite a bit of weight, I need to get my diet more paired down to the basics and not eat so much processed, refined food. I need to do a lot of things. It is like Isaac started working out again and he wants to preach to me or so I felt.
The fact of the matter is Isaac loves me. He loves me more than anyone has ever loved me in my life outside of my family. It is an undying love, a love that knows very few bounds, a love that is primal in it's passion, and fiercely protective of my being. What I am saying is that he only wants what is best for me like he wants what is best for himself. His worry and his caring about my health come naturally, which shouldn't make me feel annoyed, it should make me feel loved. It should make me feel motivated.
This morning Isaac called and gave me the speech about how I should get out of bed and get some exercise. I have been feeling like crap lately and my feet are swollen from the heat and probably my over consumption of salt. I felt annoyed and attacked as usual, like who is he to tell me what to do? He is not here to support me in my weight loss and healthy living endeavors. I think he has fears that I won't be able to have a healthy pregnancy when he gets out and that we won't have a long happy life if I keep sabotaging myself and my health. I have those same fears. I got up anyway after we ended the call. I went and took my blood sugar and it was quite high. I have been neglecting myself. He is right. I need to get my shit together. So...I made a strawberry tofu smoothie, took my insulin and meds, and am about to attempt to get on the stationary bike and do 15 mins. It is a start and better than nothing.
In the end, my husband's opinion from behind bars matters, and not just because he was right, but because he is my spouse and deserves the right of making decisions along with me, we need to work together. I mean I always thought I had the right to bug him about his behavior. Well this is my behavior and I have to come to terms with the fact that he has the right to bug me too!
This morning my husband called me and he once again started talking about how I need to take care of my health. These type of "lectures," as I had started to refer to them as were wearing my patience thin. I felt as though he did not recognize all the effort I had put forward to get my diabetes more controlled. Yes I still have a ways to go, but I felt like he was almost criticizing me. Yes there is so much I need to do. I need to lose weight, quite a bit of weight, I need to get my diet more paired down to the basics and not eat so much processed, refined food. I need to do a lot of things. It is like Isaac started working out again and he wants to preach to me or so I felt.
The fact of the matter is Isaac loves me. He loves me more than anyone has ever loved me in my life outside of my family. It is an undying love, a love that knows very few bounds, a love that is primal in it's passion, and fiercely protective of my being. What I am saying is that he only wants what is best for me like he wants what is best for himself. His worry and his caring about my health come naturally, which shouldn't make me feel annoyed, it should make me feel loved. It should make me feel motivated.
This morning Isaac called and gave me the speech about how I should get out of bed and get some exercise. I have been feeling like crap lately and my feet are swollen from the heat and probably my over consumption of salt. I felt annoyed and attacked as usual, like who is he to tell me what to do? He is not here to support me in my weight loss and healthy living endeavors. I think he has fears that I won't be able to have a healthy pregnancy when he gets out and that we won't have a long happy life if I keep sabotaging myself and my health. I have those same fears. I got up anyway after we ended the call. I went and took my blood sugar and it was quite high. I have been neglecting myself. He is right. I need to get my shit together. So...I made a strawberry tofu smoothie, took my insulin and meds, and am about to attempt to get on the stationary bike and do 15 mins. It is a start and better than nothing.
In the end, my husband's opinion from behind bars matters, and not just because he was right, but because he is my spouse and deserves the right of making decisions along with me, we need to work together. I mean I always thought I had the right to bug him about his behavior. Well this is my behavior and I have to come to terms with the fact that he has the right to bug me too!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Back at it!
It seems like it has been forever since I have blogged! I have been struggling (as usual) and have found myself just trying to get by and hang in there with each day. I think I have been in survival mode. I honestly just really have problems with depression and with my husband being gone. His absence is so magnified by my feelings of being down. I try every day to work on eating and living a healthier life. My circumstances have become so muddled and magnified by health struggles, taking mass quantities of medication, always worried about the other shoe dropping and getting sick again. My husband does the best he can to motivate me from prison, but sometime it is not enough. Lately it seems like he has given up on me. He said he can only do so much and gets frustrated when I say I am going to try, but it seems like I am not. Sometimes just getting through the day is trying for me. I just wish things could be different. I know if he were here with me, he would be a great support and motivator, but it is really up to me at this point, and really should be. I have to get healthy myself and for myself. He doesn't realize how much even just his kind words of encouragement in letters mean to me.
I think just trying to get myself in order is difficult because I deal with the emotional aspect and the physical aspect CONSTANTLY. Everyone does, but the ration can be uneven sometimes for certain people. Even if I am feeling good physically, my depression tries to bring me down. Sometimes I feel so much better since Isaac has been in my life. I feel more stable, more able to handle the world, and sometimes I feel so weak, so eternally sad. Has the experience of his incarceration made my life better? Worse? No different? Don't get me wrong there is no doubt that having him in my life has changed me for the better, I just feel like maybe there has been a lot of unseen stress that has piled up these past number of years. I have dealt with it by eating too much and isolating. Part of me wants to be this outgoing bubbly person despite these circumstances, but deep down I don't know if that is who I really am. Heck I don't even know who I am or where I am headed in life and I really should know by know I feel. Ugh well I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am still here and will be posting more pertinent stuff soon! I need to to get back into the writing groove.
I think just trying to get myself in order is difficult because I deal with the emotional aspect and the physical aspect CONSTANTLY. Everyone does, but the ration can be uneven sometimes for certain people. Even if I am feeling good physically, my depression tries to bring me down. Sometimes I feel so much better since Isaac has been in my life. I feel more stable, more able to handle the world, and sometimes I feel so weak, so eternally sad. Has the experience of his incarceration made my life better? Worse? No different? Don't get me wrong there is no doubt that having him in my life has changed me for the better, I just feel like maybe there has been a lot of unseen stress that has piled up these past number of years. I have dealt with it by eating too much and isolating. Part of me wants to be this outgoing bubbly person despite these circumstances, but deep down I don't know if that is who I really am. Heck I don't even know who I am or where I am headed in life and I really should know by know I feel. Ugh well I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am still here and will be posting more pertinent stuff soon! I need to to get back into the writing groove.
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