Finding a Routine

With Isaac in prison, one thing I really struggle with is finding some sort of routine in my life. Often times people's lives are defined and mandated by their career or job. It even sometimes fuels and defines their self-worth. Many prison wives say that working helps them take their minds off of their loved one being away, and makes the time go faster. I think this is part of my problem. I am not currently working. I am talking time to re-evaluate my life and what I want to do as a career. So here I am with ALL this free time on my hands, and I feel completely lost all day every day. I need to find ways to keep myself entertained and busy.

Isaac is always telling me that I need to get out of the house and I need to keep myself busy. "How?" I ask. I live in a relatively small area, there is basically very few activities available, and I find myself stuck in a constant state of boredom. The ironic thing is that because of my depression, I don't want to do anything, but I find myself going insane from boredom. I stare at the dishes that need to be done, but I never do them. I think about going to some sort of support group, but the nearest one is an hour away. Sometimes I feel like I am making excuses for not living my life while Isaac is away. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. Truth be told I had trouble living my life even when Isaac was not in prison. Sometimes the every day challenges are just too much to handle and I find myself isolating and trying to escape life.

So, I am really trying to get rid of the self-pity and create some sort of routine for myself. I need to start with the basics. It is very hard to make changes when you want to do everything now and quickly. That is the hardest thing for me. You would think I would have great amounts of patience in my life because of being a prison wife, but in fact I can be quite impatient. One thing at a time. Hey today I should feel triumphant because I got a letter out to Isaac and I am doing a months worth of laundry. I even took my mom's dog for a walk. If I could get some exercise in, I would feel a million times better. Soooo today if it is simply doing a few dishes and washing my face, then that is what it will be. If I can do a few things that turn into a routine, then I will feel accomplished. It truly does begin with baby steps.

Like A Thing Unseen

Prison doesn't always get to me, financial strains don't always bother me, even traveling and stigma, but it is more the continuous loneliness that I feel as a prison wife. I am not saying I am ALWAYS lonely, because I do definitely feel emotionally and even physically close to my husband, but there are those nights you lie awake and alone in your bed, wishing, wishing so hard that he was lying there next to you, that if magic existed, he would appear there with his warm skin to cuddle you. Maybe to me loneliness equals the lack of physical intimacy, the lack of contact. I always wonder why prisons are so strict about letting inmates and their loved ones have physical contact. Yes there are the obvious reason such as trafficking, but really to not let a hug last more than 10 seconds? To slip a little tongue into you "brief kiss"? Isaac and I kind of do that anyway and no one usually seems to care. I love it when I step into his arms and he squeezes me so hard as I stand on my tiptoes. I love the smell of him, the way my head fits into the curve of his neck, the strength I sense in him.

The simple hand holding at visits brings me joy. I always stare at my little hands cupped inside his big ass tattooed hands, my name staring back at me in bold black letters on the space between his forefinger and thumb. Sometimes I have to stop myself from reaching out and touching his hair or his face. Sometimes when I am daring I will stroke his forearm. I love that man so much and all I want to do is wrap him up in my arms and sit that way for hours. He talks of this often. His face is wistful when he mentions holding me at night, talking into the early hours of the morning. This longing, this loneliness is pervasive, it grabs you and chokes you, shakes you and gives you doubts. It does not seem natural to be separated from the one that is most important to you.

There are also the everyday activities of life that give me pause since he is not here. I mean realistically it would be great to have a second income in the household. I would love him to help with tasks around the apartment and be able to have the little moments that only two people can share in person, such as a laugh over something trivial or a hug that results in some steamy sex in the kitchen lol. Walking hand in hand in the park, swimming, eating out. I don't even care about sex though so to speak. It seems the longer you go without it, the less you care about it. I just miss being touched, being loved by someone's skin, looking into my husbands eyes. This loneliness often goes unseen. Us prison wives put on a solid front for our children, our families, our friends. We don't want them to say 'I told you so!" or " This is too hard for you." Waiting for a loved one in prison is not an impossible task. Going without physical intimacy, missing out on the ins and outs of an "in person" relationship, those things are difficult, but doable. I mean we hear about women and men doing it all the time for YEARS. It comes down to weighing the pros and cons, and when I do this, I always come back to one thing that I know is true: I love Isaac more than life itself and to be without him is far worse than to be without him only temporarily.

Keeping Sane

It really is becoming difficult for me not to be talking to my husband. I know that he is hurting and probably going a little crazy. I know how his mind works and he is in a 23 hour lockdown unit, so he is stuck in that little cell all day. It makes me cringe just to think about it. I don't always know how to make him feel better and I just don't have the money to put on the phone. I just feel horrible rejecting his calls, but there is nothing I can do. I guess I just need to suck it up and know that he will be ok. It just makes me so mad that they keep them locked up in those cells so much. It can drive a person mad and I'm pretty sure it is well documented throughout the country that it does indeed do that to many inmates.

Soooooo I have been trying to keep myself busy and not thinking about this all day long. I am doing ok with it, but definitely need to find more things to distract myself. I exercised today, went to a thrift store, cooked dinner, wrote my babe a letter, showered, and um was on Tumblr for quite a bit.Why don't I have any hobbies?? Seriously? I used to do stuff all of the time, but it seems like since Isaac went to prison, I have slowly but surely lost any sort of semblance of a life. I am not working currently, and I feel like a recluse. I am in the apartment most of the time unless I have to run errands or go to Dr.'s appts. I don't even know what I would do if I started looking for hobbies. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore honestly. I try not to be consumed by prison and my husbands situation, but it is so hard. I constantly worry and stress and sit around thinking about him. I guess I need to find ways to stay busy. I need to keep myself sane. I already am prone to serious depression. The weather brightening up is helping, but I am always on the verge of driving myself crazy out of loneliness and despair. I have lost the majority of my friends due to both my husband's incarceration and because I chose to isolate myself.My family is supportive of us, but are busy people like most.

I try and focus on diet and exercise since I have some health problems, but it is so hard without much direct encouragement. My husband does definitely try to motivate me from a distance. Often times I will tell myself that I am doing this for both of us, so that we can live a long healthy life together, and hell I want to walk into visits looking good for my man too. My therapist suggested maybe trying out some self-help groups. Could be worth a try. All I know is that I can't sit here bored and going crazy for much longer.

Day 3

It's day 3 and I still can't answer his calls. I have no money on the phone account, which I would think he knows, but he keeps trying to call. Part of me wants to break down and use my last $25 on the phone, but I CANNOT afford it and I need to remember this. I just want to hear his voice so badly. We have been fighting so much and that 3 minute call we had on Weds. ended so abruptly that I have no idea what is going on with us. I have tried to keep myself busy today. I worked out and went and walked around a local thrift store. It is gorgeous outside, but alas here I am sitting in my apartment again. I'm hungry, but trying to stick to my diet and I'm trying to force myself to do another 20 minutes on the stationary bike. I wrote Isaac a letter, but I just can't get him off my mind and can't stop wondering how my husband is doing. I love him so very much and don't want to see him hurting. It is so difficult when we don't see eye to eye on certain issues.I hate conflict and fighting.

Man all I want to do is go eat a pizza or something and drink a beer. I want to not worry about money all the time, not be so depressed, relax. I want to clean my apartment, AND I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME WITH ME. But alas, I chose this life. I don't have to be married to an incarcerated felon. I don't have to be waiting, but then my heart says I do because he is my heart.

Standing Through Time

As we talked on the phone that one day long ago, I simply said it: “I’m not going anywhere. I will stand here, right by your side. That is my promise.” You were strangely quiet. You told me later you had been fighting back tears after I spoke those words. Now, I have loved you through four facilities in four cities. I have watched you walk towards me in orange, red, striped, and khaki jumpsuits. I have memorized the curves of your handwriting and that familiar “from an offender” stamp on each envelope. With every letter I send the seasons change and my graveyard of empty envelope boxes and used notepads grows. The faceless woman who calls me with her electronic voice is both my best friend and worst enemy, but hearing your voice is my salvation. I have sat on hard stools and plastic chairs, leaned against walls of concrete to speak to you through wires and glass. I remember my face cracking into a smile and tears welling in my eyes. I was staring at you from a distance waiting for the metal gate to part and for the first time in 13 months I was allowed to touch you. Twice a month I drive 6 hours round trip for 1 beautiful hour with you. It is all worth the rude guards and the long waits. I always squeeze you, pat your shoulder and say “take care” before you move toward those metal bars. The hurt that grabs me the minute I walk away from that place never goes away, but all is right with my world now. I held the pain you couldn’t show in there when times got rough, and you held the worry when I got sick. On our wedding day in that fortress of a prison we looked each other in the eyes and promised forever. When things get hard and time moves slowly, when we both weep on the phone, I whisper “do you remember what I promised you?” There is always a pause and you say “yes I do..and you have.” So still, two years later, here I stand. Right by your side.

Falling Apart

My husband and I seem to be falling apart. We have had the worse arguments of our relationship in the past week and today I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like he started getting down right rude on the phone so I hung up on him. I feel numb and yes scared of what his reaction will be. Will he try calling me tomorrow? Will he still want to fight? It was like I was just so happy to hear the phone ring and have it be him and he started in on my from his first breath. How can we be like this? We have been solid for so long. Is it because we just got married? I know we both miss each other and worry, but he takes worrying and ruminating to a whole new level. I think he constantly thinks that I am doing something behind his back and I resent that because I am a good wife who tries to hold him down and goes all these lonely days and nights without him, and without hardly any friends also and I still get blamed for all this shit. He needs to man up and learn to communicate better and I need to learn to stand my ground better when he seems disrespectful. He has never been like this ever and it is eating me up inside.

Thoughts on Being Broken

This blog is dedicated to my life being married to a man that is incarcerated, but I also want to take some opportunities to talk about myself and my life and struggles in general. Stuff that is not always related to prison GASP! I have been having a lot of hard times lately and quite frankly have had a lot of struggles throughout my life. Right now I feel as though I am at some sort of crossroads and everything past, present, future are all slamming into each other. I feel and see all these directions to go, but have no idea how to decide which way to go. Isaac is supportive of me and all I do in life, but he doesn't always understand the things that I deal with, the thoughts that I have, the things that consume me at times. The fact of the matter is that I have been very broken for a very long time. Depression has overshadowed my 20's as well as impulsivity. I never thought anything through and let my emotions run my actions. I get confused and sad about the direction that my life has taken at points. I'm also proud of my accomplishments as well though. Sometimes I wonder how I can be in a relationship when I feel so messed up, but I can't deny the love we have for each other and the way we bring out the best in one another. A lot of my setbacks in life have to do with holding onto the past and an inability to get over my shortcomings and mistakes. There comes a point that you can't beat yourself up anymore and that you can't let fear guide you.You simply need to live.