Email Me!

Hey folks! I apologize for being away from my blog for so long! I have been quite busy with a lot of different things going on. I'm doing pretty well and Isaac is good also! We are in such a better place with our relationship since I last posted. Prison relationships have a lot of ups and downs! I wanted to post my email in case anyone ever needs to chat or vent, or you would like me to address a specific topic, etc...please don't hesitate to email me! Here it is: 

felonsandfairladies@gmail.com

Hope to hear from some of you! Keep fighting the fight! 

In a Bad Way

Things are not going very well for my husband and I right now. I brought up what I thought was a benign topic on the phone last week and he flipped out on me. We haven't spoken in a week and the only letter I received was a very nasty one. I worry about our future. If he won't even try and communicate with me, then what are we supposed to do? I know deep down we are stronger than this, but I don't know how to reach out to him. It seems like anything I say makes him angry. I keep wanting to write him a letter, but to be honest I am pissed too that he would act like this, so it isn't going to come out sounding like a very rational letter. That is why I just stay silent, but it is eating me up. This is my husband for goodness sakes! The man I married, the man who pledged to be by my side forever. I have honestly put a lot of things aside to do this journey as a prison wife. I made him a promise that I would stand by his side and I have for multiple years! Can he really be this cold? When he gets hurt, he just lashes out. I would love some advice on how to deal with this situation. Oh man. Every song on the radio makes me cry, I have been drinking a little too much, and my tears wet my pillow. This is breaking my heart.

Another Visit Day Passed

So I went to visit my husband a little over a week ago. It was pretty last minute because I was planning and going with his family later in the week, but he called and asked me to come on Sunday. I felt bad because his family couldn't go and often times they can only go if I give them a ride, but he was adamant I come. I had been missing him pretty badly, so I was excited, just not looking forward to the 6 hour roundtrip drive. I hate leaving visits and then getting in the car and going straight home and being left alone with my thoughts for that period of time. I always get all introspective and analyze some of the visit and try to replay it in my head.

My husband was still pretty grumpy. I am not sure what exactly his problem is. I know part of it is he is frustrated that I have yet to get my health in order. What I think he doesn't recognize is that I start out every day trying, but sometimes falter...a lot. It doesn't mean I have given up though. I mean in all fairness, he is in prison...therefore I think he might have had some trouble getting some things straight in his life, so I don't know why he is so hard on me about this. I think partially it is because he is scared. He is afraid my health will deteriorate further. He wants us to have a long full life together, to grow old together, have a family and be happy and not plagued by worry regarding this subject.

Anyway it was a nice visit. We just drank some sodas and had a bag of chips. The guard for some reason came over and told us our visit was over and I had just got there 15 minutes prior to that. We adamantly stated this and finally he realized he had the wrong table and apologized profusely. I could see my husband was starting to get mad, so I'm really glad the guy figured it out quickly. We talked about Isaac's family and how sometimes I don't see eye to eye with them and get frustrated when Isaac refuses to get in the middle of it. It is his family for goodness sakes! I just feel like sometimes they take advantage of me driving them to visit all the time and I am the only one funding his books with what little extra money I have. Sometimes I just think they could make a greater effort to be there for my husband. We are all very different and have different morals and ideals, and I think sometimes this gets in the way of us understanding one another. Don't get me wrong, we get along, but have quite a few awkward moments and kind of passively avoid each other. They write occasionally and Isaac writes back from time to time, but they are not always very involved. Then again, I think they are tired of seeing Isaac in trouble. This is the third time they have watched him go to prison. He is so young and it had to have been very sad for them. I wasn't around for the first two incarcerations, so this experience has been new for me. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck any less though, that is for sure.

Well all in all it was a nice visit. It was great to see him and I loved our goodbye kiss! I enjoyed staring at my sexy ass husband for an hour! Man I want to jump that man! If only...Until our next visit, my mind will ponder and my heart will long. Some visits will be better than others, some periods of time in a prison relationship will be different than others. We just try and get through them, day by day, month by month, year by year.

Opinions From Lockup

Sometimes I want to pretend that my husband's opinion is null and void on certain subjects because he is in prison. I know that doesn't sound very much like a marriage compromise, and yes it really isn't. I think sometimes I use this excuse so that I do not have to improve myself in certain ways or make necessary changes in OUR lives.

This morning my husband called me and he once again started talking about how I need to take care of my health. These type of "lectures," as I had started to refer to them as were wearing my patience thin. I felt as though he did not recognize all the effort I had put forward to get my diabetes more controlled. Yes I still have a ways to go, but I felt like he was almost criticizing me. Yes there is so much I need to do. I need to lose weight, quite a bit of weight, I need to get my diet more paired down to the basics and not eat so much processed, refined food. I need to do a lot of things. It is like Isaac started working out again and he wants to preach to me or so I felt.

The fact of the matter is Isaac loves me. He loves me more than anyone has ever loved me in my life outside of my family. It is an undying love, a love that knows very few bounds, a love that is primal in it's passion, and fiercely protective of my being. What I am saying is that he only wants what is best for me like he wants what is best for himself. His worry and his caring about my health come naturally, which shouldn't make me feel annoyed, it should make me feel loved. It should make me feel motivated.

This morning Isaac called and gave me the speech about how I should get out of bed and get some exercise. I have been feeling like crap lately and my feet are swollen from the heat and probably my over consumption of salt. I felt annoyed and attacked as usual, like who is he to tell me what to do? He is not here to support me in my weight loss and healthy living endeavors. I think he has fears that I won't be able to have a healthy pregnancy when he gets out and that we won't have a long happy life if I keep sabotaging myself and my health. I have those same fears. I got up anyway after we ended the call. I went and took my blood sugar and it was quite high. I have been neglecting myself. He is right. I need to get my shit together. So...I made a strawberry tofu smoothie, took my insulin and meds, and am about to attempt to get on the stationary bike and do 15 mins. It is a start and better than nothing.

In the end, my husband's opinion from behind bars matters, and not just because he was right, but because he is my spouse and deserves the right of  making decisions along with me, we need to work together. I mean I always thought I had the right to bug him about his behavior. Well this is my behavior and I have to come to terms with the fact that he has the right to bug me too!

Back at it!

It seems like it has been forever since I have blogged! I have been struggling (as usual) and have found myself just trying to get by and hang in there with each day. I think I have been in survival mode. I honestly just really have problems with depression and with my husband being gone. His absence is so magnified by my feelings of being down. I try every day to work on eating and living a  healthier life. My circumstances have become so muddled and magnified by health struggles, taking mass quantities of medication, always worried about the other shoe dropping and getting sick again. My husband does the best he can to motivate me from prison, but sometime it is not enough. Lately it seems like he has given up on me. He said he can only do so much and gets frustrated when I say I am going to try, but it seems like I am not. Sometimes just getting through the day is trying for me. I just wish things could be different. I know if he were here with me, he would be a great support and motivator, but it is really up to me at this point, and really should be. I have to get healthy myself and for myself. He doesn't realize how much even just his kind words of encouragement in letters mean to me.

I think just trying to get myself in order is difficult because I deal with the emotional aspect and the physical aspect CONSTANTLY. Everyone does, but the ration can be uneven sometimes for certain people. Even if I am feeling good physically, my depression tries to bring me down. Sometimes I feel so much better since Isaac has been in my life. I feel more stable, more able to handle the world, and sometimes I feel so weak, so eternally sad. Has the experience of his incarceration made my life better? Worse? No different? Don't get me wrong there is no doubt that having him in my life has changed me for the better, I just feel like maybe there has been a lot of unseen stress that has piled up these past number of years. I have dealt with it by eating too much and isolating. Part of me wants to be this outgoing bubbly person despite these circumstances, but deep down I don't know if that is who I really am. Heck I don't even know who I am or where I am headed in life and I really should know by know I feel. Ugh well I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am still here and will be posting more pertinent stuff soon! I need to to get back into the writing groove.

Rediculous

He is acting like a big baby and I am at my wits end. We are not seeing eye to eye and I sometimes wonder why am I out here waiting when he does not seem to care about anything anymore. Yes I know he is frustrated and yes as he tells me all the time, I do not know how it is for him in there, but I do believe we have to accept and work with our situations whether they are fair or not. Reality is reality and ultimately we have to live in it. His classification meeting did not go as planned, and they are not changing his level nor seriously looking into transferring him, so yes Isaac is very stressed and dissapointed, but does that mean you have to lash out on the one who loves you the most?  I'm beyond knowing how to handle this.

The Things I Long For

Sometimes the things I long for are small. Mundane thoughts that turn into big wishes. I think of strolling hand in hand down the sidewalks of the local park, the leaves burnt orange fluttering at our feet. I long for hugs and hands to brush my hair aside when it falls in front of my eyes. I am wistful of simple breakfasts, stealing glances across the table at each other, joking around, silly bouts of wrestling,  a chest to cry against when the pain becomes unbearable.

I do not have these things. I have not had them for two years. I will not have them for years to come. These small nuances, the things of  "everyday life" in a relationship are a void in my life. They do not exist, and I long for them, I cry for them, I  feel anger at their absence. I know that Isaac is trying his hardest to be released as soon as is humanly possible. I know he devours any program, certificate, class, etc...available to him. He loves to learn, but he wants his chance to prove he remembers what he has learned out in the free world. He is bettering himself not just for me for or for his eventual homecoming, but because he wants to and because he has the desire to grow as a person. For that I am so proud of him, but it doesn't mean that I am not still frustrated that our relationship lacks some very fundamental ideals. I know Isaac longs for all the same things that I do, and I imagine it is even more of a stark loneliness for him. He is in a dark place, a place that breeds loneliness and fear, where it is obvious the simple human pleasures of love are not allowed. We are reminded of this with every visitation, but we continue to make do with what we do have.

I long for the tangible also. I wait for the cracking noise of my back when he wraps me in the tightest hug, the feel of his lips when we lean in for our beginning kiss. I gently press my hand against the curve of his neck. I feel the softness of his hair at the nape of his neck. I long for the feel of his skin as I hold is hand, rubbing my finger back and forth on the space between his forefinger and thumb. My gaze always is drawn to where my name is spelled out on his right hand, reminding me of as he says that "he loves me with his skin." Sometimes the things I long for are met in things such as sharing a meal of Hot Pockets and Cheetos, of drinking from the same soda can, watching him scrape the crumbs into the crumpled napkins.

My life is not ideal, nor is our relationship. Sometimes that longing and those desires burn deep in my soul, the need to have my husband overwhelms me at times. I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes I cannot always see the silver lining or look smiling towards the future. I am a human being and so is Isaac. We feel the weight of decisions and of consequences within our lives.  I long for having my husband by my side, for our lives to intertwine at the same point, for our future children to be conceived and born, for our memories to be made free of prison, but most of all I do NOT have to long for love, because even in the absence and yes in the longing itself is a love that is ultimately satisfying.

Why??

I just want to know why it is so taboo to admit that you have a loved one in prison?? I guess my head is just still reeling from my moment at dinner earlier this evening and the tinge of shame I felt for admitting my husband was incarcerated. So freaking what? SO FREAKING WHAT? Humans are not infallible! We make mistakes, we learn lessons, we accept consequences. Is a sin not a sin? I mean that is my opinion, but people act in incomprehensible ways all the time with no repercussions and they are not looked upon with distaste and disgust. I believe in justice, I believe in order, I believe in forgiveness, but I do not believe in hatred, judgement, and a lack of compassion.

Awkward and Ashamed?

So I went out to dinner with my best friend (he is a guy), and had a good time, but was introduced to a somewhat awkward situation. I live in a small town and so when we go out to eat, the waitresses know us and we see them often. We are all very friendly, but have never gotten past the superficial conversation stage. Well today the restaurant was pretty dead, so my friend and I were chatting with the waitresses for a bit. One asked about my wedding ring set. It was at this moment that we realized that everyone there thought that WE were married. This has happened before and we always find it amusing, especially since he is gay and I am already married, but it ended up bringing the conversation to an awkward place eventually.

This assumption was confirmed by one of the waitresses later on. I had been talking to her about her upcoming wedding and she was talking to me about my wedding and then of course it got awkward because I don't always like to give prison wedding facts to people I don't know very well. I always start stumbling all over my words. I want to make it clear that I am not ashamed of my husband and his situation, but my best friend doesn't like my husband very much, and I had no idea how these ladies would take the news that my husband is incarcerated. I think part of the problem was that I was enjoying a "normal" evening out and then somehow prison had to enter into it, but that is always the case. I try and do all these normal activities, but it remains a lonely journey because Isaac is not here to experience these things with me. I want to be at dinner with him and chatting it up with others, or able to show people a pic of him when he is not in a jumpsuit. There is always this little thing nagging me saying, "your life is not like others." I was being shown loving pictures of kids, boyfriends, fiances, etc...by the waitresses and I felt so left out. To make a long story short one of the waitresses asked why my husband was not with me and what kind of wedding I had, etc...when I finally awkwardly came clean, I knew there were assumptions and confusion. For some reason I felt almost wrong because I had told the truth. Did I feel ashamed? Maybe a little bit, but not of my husband, just of having to always have an explanation for the circumstances of my life. They stared at me with the usual face, a cross between disbelief and a tad disdain, almost as though I was so naive and being secretly taken for a ride by "a criminal." This is the man I love, the man I choose to be with, to wait for, but sometimes it is just so difficult to live this lifestyle. I know I don't have to explain why my husband is not here, or give an explanation for why I am always with my male best friend instead of my husband, or why I don't have children or family pictures to show, etc...I could go on and, but then again do I? Do I owe people an explanation? It is just one of those days where I feel as though I have done something wrong being married to an incarcerated man. It is really true that the family does pay in many ways too. I found myself wondering what if they tell people about Isaac being away? The whole town will know, etc..but the truth of the matter is the whole town probably knows anyway, and if they don't what does it matter if they find out? I guess it matters logistically or maybe people's opinions do matter to me more than I care to admit...Am I awkward? Yes. Am I ashamed at times? Honestly I don't know...I think I am ashamed of not being confident in my own life and myself when it comes to the whims of others.  

Alone

It is almost 3am and as usual I am lost in thought. It is usually these late night/early morning hours that gets my mind going, usually about Isaac and his situation...our situation. It is impossible to understand the longing, the loneliness that separation brings, unless you have been separated from something, someone, anything that you love. There is a push and pull, a tug, a friction created deep inside you that is the power source for you strength and your pain. You have fuel now, fuel now to hurt either openly, or in the depths of yourself and the depths of isolation.

I lay night after night awake in this bed, and ask myself why I do this, why I continue to embrace loneliness instead of to flee from it. But it is our thoughts that we cannot flee from, cannot set aside or bury deep. They build bridges, elaborate walkways, tunnels in the depths of the mind. Every blessed and damned scenario cross to the other side. My imagination is rich as are my thoughts, and sometimes this is my downfall. Because I loved him in a million languages and a million ways, I saw him differently than he saw himself. In his absence I see his redemption and I feel his love, so I hold on, I even embrace the loneliness, not treating it as victim, but as ally. I speak in peace often, but my heart knows only love and only war, only despair, and indecision. Isaac has caused me to choose. What exactly? And that is a mystery still at times. Love obviously, but love needs fuel, it needs grit, it needs a reason to grow, a reason to continue and not to fester. It is quite possible to feel great loneliness in times of great love. I love my husband, yet I am incredibly lonely without his physical presence here. It eats at me some days and other days it does not bother me. I get chills thinking of him lying next to me in our bed, conversations uninhibited by guards and electronic voices. All I can do is live one day at a time and celebrate the fact that I have conquered another day in this life. I do this because I know one day prison will fade away and all that will be left will just be us...

Moody Me

I guess it is just one of those months where everything seems to go wrong at once. I am trying to stay positive, but I have just been struggling a lot with a combination of not feeling well physically and life circumstances coming and going. My car has been in the shop for 9 flipping days and the mechanic has yet to do anything helpful apparently. It was running and now after replacing a part, it is not running at all...I almost lost it on the phone with him today because I can't quite seem to understand why he is so flippant about fixing my car? 9 days!

I am starting to feel a little better physically after getting some new medication which I am so thankful for. I had been having difficulties with the same health issue for more than 6 months straight with no relief. I am relieved believe me, but the only problem is I feel very bitter that my healthcare providers misdiagnosed me and failed to see something so simple, that in turn caused me quite a bit of pain and discomfort for a continued period of time. I got pissed at my husband because he at one point said maybe it wasn't getting any better because I wasn't taking care of myself properly, and yes I will admit I am not 100% great at taking care of my health, but I was doing everything I could at that point. It hit a nerve and it turned out to be the Dr.'s faults! My husband has been very supportive and there for me the best he can these past couple of weeks. Just hearing his voice is helpful. I am so thankful for that man. Sometimes I forget how well Isaac knows me. I am grateful for that and blessed that he puts up with my crazy, mood ass!

Anyway I am all over the place and I guess just checking in. I visited the hubby this past Weds and we had a good visit, although he was being sassy as hell lol. He got me feeling all frisky and wanting to rip his clothes off right then and there. I kept looking at him when he wasn't paying attention and feeling like I had to pinch myself because this wonderful man is my husband! Damn I think he is sexy as hell and he has a heart of gold. Most people do not realize or wish to recognize that. They wonder how anything other than a sub-human animal could be in prison. How can you love a monster? Being in prison does not make him a monster. I don't doubt that there are some really horrible people in prison, but there are also a lot of men and women who have made various mistakes, had lives going in very wrong directions, etc...people that still deserve to know what it is like to live life to the fullest. My husband never knew what it was like to feel special or truly loved, to know that people are rooting for him to succeed, not to fail. That does not change the fact that he messed up, but he should not be condemned when he is trying to turn his life around.

I think this is another area where all this random anger is coming from for me. I am so sick of the judgement, of the faces, the pity looks, the incredulous gasps, the questions, the wondering, the idea that neither him or I deserve a life and to be happy. There are so many taboo things in this life, and "prison love" is one of them. I guess I should just sit back and understand that, but I have never really been one to just sit back and accept people's ignorance. When you think about it, what is so wrong, so horrible about loyalty? About sticking by someone's side when times get rough? About testing the bounds of your love? About working through difficult situations? That all sounds like perseverance in a relationship and in life. What is so bad about that I ask?

I'm Still Around! An Update

Hey everyone! I'm still here. I haven't been blogging much because I have been having some health problems and have been dealing with some depression. I have been lacking in motivation shall we say. A little update: things are going pretty well between us. It seems like with every new conflict we resolve, we learn a little more about ourselves and our relationship. Navigating a relationship is never easy, but navigating a prison relationship is even more difficult. I think for us it gets hard because we both have a lot of insecurities and we both have mood issues (although he really won't admit it). Our emotions run very high and we get hurt very easily. Often I didn't realize how sensitive Isaac is because I think oh he's a guy, or he is such a tough person, he is in prison, he can't let his guard down, etc.., but his feelings are experienced in a very intense way for him and by me not recognizing that, I was hurting our chances of reconciliation on so many issues.

Isaac is doing well in prison, I guess as well as you can do inside a cage. He has 1 1/2 more months until he gets off of disciplinary idle and being in a cell 23 hours a day. He keeps his spirits up, his soul is indestructible and it keeps me sane knowing that. It eats at me to wonder if he is sad or happy, or going insane, or is being treated like a animal, or enduring daily humiliation, but I cannot let this experience age me, keep me in a pit of despair.

I cry as I write this because this experience comes along with stress, with pain, with emotion. I love him. I love my husband. All I ever want in this world is to experience him freely and without restriction. To begin a life that in essence began a long time ago. He is my miracle, the man who saved me from myself. How can a man who values life be thought of as a monster?

I visited Isaac yesterday with his father and his brother. We have separate visits so we have time to get in everything each of us wants to get in with my husband. I prefer it that way, but it makes for a lot of down time in the waiting room. We had a nice visit, but it is always so hard to leave. I started crying and he felt bad. It is just difficult to be left alone with your thoughts and feelings on the 3 hour drive home. His family wasn't much help for distraction because they slept all the way there and most of the way back.

Isaac is worried about my health and candidly talked about how we both say we are going to get our health in order, but we just do a lot of talking and not much action. He even went as far as saying he didn't want me visiting or writing until we could start following through on the things we have said. I know though that he cannot live without his visits and letters. They mean a lot to him, so either he is bluffing or he really does mean business. He is right though. I do need to get my shit together. My health is not the greatest and I need to make some changes. I want to have children together and be around for as long as I possibly can.

Well anyway I just wanted to check in and say that things are going pretty well. I miss him intensely and I worry a lot about the future, about when he comes home, about him being on parole, etc...I know life is going to be hard and that is reality, but maybe we will be blessed, in fact I think we already are to have found each other in such a deep place of despair.

Reading My Blog? Please Follow!

Hi everyone! I know from my stats and numbers that quite a few of you out there read this blog and I am every so grateful and appreciative of that! I was just hoping that those of you who do read it on a regular basis will consider following my blog here on Google, or comment if you feel so inclined. I would love to get to know more of those who read this, and have input into how the blog is going. So, if you feel like it, I encourage you to follow my my blog openly or anonymously and encourage others to read it and/or follow it. This really isn't a request for more readers, although that is never a bad thing, I just really would like to get a better sense of who is reading this, who this is important to, and what people think! Thank you every one from the bottom of my heart!  I love being able to share my life and struggles with you all! Keep reading!

Lazy Days of Thinking

I have been left feeling somewhat out of sorts today. I got into an argument with a good friend, I have felt lazy, sleeping until 1 in the afternoon, not eating until late, being indecisive, the list could go on. The only good productive thing I did today was walk 2 miles and ride my stationary bike. I even lifted a few weights. I wrote my husband a letter and sent it out with a couple of pictures and I sprayed the letter with the new scent I have been wearing. I hope he likes it.

I try not to let conflict ruin my day, but here I am refusing to get out of bed, laying awake at night thinking about all the scenarios that could happen in my life in general. I ponder how things will be when my husband comes home. Will we make it? Will he find work? Will we find a place to live that is felon friendly? People tell me to take things one day at a time, but I feel I must look to the future to try and prepare for these possible speed bumps.

It's like half the time in my life I am lazy, and the other half I am diligent. In my mind, thoughts race a million miles a minute, theories, scenarios, situations float around. I do a good bit of thinking, a very evasive bit of thinking. Then there is my outward life, where I get up late in the day, the dishes never get done, the shower doesn't get scrubbed and the floor never mopped. I can barely open any piece of mail that resembles a bill for fear of what it says and how my anxiety cannot probably handle it.

Prison changes your life. It takes a hold of it and scolds you and threatens you when you dare try to focus on anything outside of it's walls. It can be very all consuming if I let it. It is like this blemish on my life only in the sense that every time I feel ok about the course of my life, or happy about something I have accomplished, something nags me in the back of my brain and I realize it is prison. Prison still exists regardless of my daily triumphs and it makes me feel like nothing can ever fully be good until Isaac is out.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage to do this remaining time. It's not that I can't or won't because I will, but I feel so lost sometimes about how to stick it through. He has 3 1/2 years left! I have already done 2 with him, and they have gone fairly fast, but sometimes the time drags on and a lot has happened in these two years, what might happen in the next almost 3 years??  People say work or find hobbies, spend time with your children, etc...but I honestly do not have any of those things at the moment. Here I am with this biological clock screaming at me, but childless, I cannot currently work due to health issues, and I live in such a small town, I am not sure what hobbies to find besides working out. I know I may sound like I am whining, but I feel very stuck right now. I do need to find a way to save money for our future, to decide how to approach the rest of this time hopefully in a positive manner. I mean Isaac by accepting his consequences must sit in a cell 23 hours a day. I cannot imagine how slow that makes time go by, so I should be grateful and happy that I "sort of" have the opportunity to do more things and bask in my freedom, which was taken from him due to his mistakes. Maybe this is my chance to do things that I have always wanted to do? When Isaac comes home, who knows what the restrictions will be living with a felon. Who knows what may need to be cut out of my life? Who knows about anything....Either I prepare, or I live, or I try to do both without obsessing. Either way, I can't let the big pink prison elephant in the room ruin every inkling of pride or happiness I feel.

Great Visit!

At the last minute, my father-in-law, brother-in-law, and myself decided to visit my husband this past Wednesday. At first I was frazzled to be going so soon because I had planned on going Saturday, but I started to get really excited to see my husband. It had been two weeks since we had last visited. I drove the 6 hour round trip myself as his brother and dad slept the whole time, giving me way too much time to think. I hate that frantic feeling I get when leaving a visit. It is like I don't know what to do, say, or feel. Everything feels all twisted inside and I have all this excess energy. My mind runs a million miles a minute. It never gets easier to leave Isaac at that place.

Anyway it was a really good visit! We laughed and joked a lot! I just melt every time he smiles. He used to never smile or laugh and now he does all the time. It brings me such happiness to know that he can still keep a sense of humor while being in prison. We didn't have any arguments and it was just such a nice relaxed time over a couple sodas and a hot pocket stuffed with Cheetos :-) The guards working were all very respectful and nice and I didn't have to wait long to get in to see him. It feels so natural and so comfortable to be with him, and so it makes me miss him that much more when I have to leave. It is hard to have a husband but not "have" a husband. His absence is like a hole in my heart, and every time I see him, it brings me great joy, yet great sorrow. Like I said it was a great visit, and he had a really good visit with his father and brother also.

I feel a sense of peace more these days in regards to my marriage. We were having a very rocky time in terms of lots of arguments and feeling sad and depressed and lost. We got into one very hurtful arguments that sent me into a downward spiral for days. I felt torn about our relationship. I wondered if we really ever understood each other like I thought we did. Isaac was having all these doubts and crazy thoughts that I couldn't stay faithful to him out here, or that I was up to no good in some way. The time had started to get to him, and he is on 23 lock down, so he is couped up in his cell all day long. He has been making a really big effort to stop the negative thoughts when they come up. I told him that he needs to try and relax and to be happy that he has a good woman waiting for him here at home who has promised to stand by his side. He is not alone or forgotten. I am always with him and will be always with him.

Back to the visit now. On the way home I did a lot of thinking. I was so happy to have seen Isaac and to have had a wonderful visit. I feel like it is enough to sustain me until the next time I see him. I was having a rough couple of days prior to the visit and to have him just sit and listen to my thoughts and feelings made me feel so much better. I love that man so much. I can't wait until our next visit. I will never be comfortable with this lifestyle believe me. I will never get used to it, even though I at least get more acclimated to it, but I feel more of a contentment with my marriage and my relationship. I know that Isaac is the love of my life. I know it. That fact alone, is enough to continue to keep my promise to stand by his side.

Marriage Without The Commitment?

Ok I will admit it, sometimes I don't feel married. But then again, what is feeling married supposed to feel like? I think a huge part of marriage is being able to be emotionally and physically there for your spouse.The thing about getting married in prison, is that it is very anti-climactic. You have this wonderful ceremony and visit afterwards, and then you are torn away from each other. There is no house or apartment, no settling into sharing a space, meals together, cuddling at night, falling  asleep in his arms. There are no dinners out, no walking to the park hand in hand, no family meals. It is prison, and me here alone at home. It is only being able to see my husband for 2 hours a month. No wonder I don't feel married at times! I catch glimpses into my friend's married lives and they seem to be moving forward...making homes together, preparing for children, heck I'm even jealous when they get to go grocery shopping together. You see them working as a team, a unit, but then I think to myself, Isaac and I are a unit, a team. We just deal with different scenarios.But am  secretly ok with not having to deal with all the above mentioned things? Would I worry I would fail at our relationship if it were more of a "real" marriage?

Despite the distance and the limited time together, a type of monitored love, we still make things work though, we still maintain a very strong relationship and we have good communication. No we don't have a sex life. No we don't have endless time to sit and chat. Yes we both are very lonely while ironically being married. I believe the commitment still exists in such a marriage as this. Prison marriages in my eyes take an even higher level of commitment in some sense. So at times, I have left feeling torn. Half the time I feel like I took the cheap way out getting married while he is still in prison, so I could experience marriage essentially without the outward commitment, but then I think that real commitment is the ability to stand by my husband through thick and thin, through this whole ordeal, to get to know his ins and outs in creative ways. To find intimacy in simple things. Yes we get to skip the petty arguments over money and cleaning the house, but there is always an exchange. So what is it? Is it marriage without the commitment or is is marriage with commitment on steroids?

Holding On

I believe that ANY amount of time that a person has to serve is difficult for them and their loved ones. Yes there is a difference between waiting for someone serving a 1 year sentence and a 10 year sentence, but that feeling of standing still while life goes on can seem familiar to many alike. I think questioning whether you are strong enough or able enough, or even WANT to do this journey is a good thing. Sometimes on the prison support websites, you see people fading, growing apart, couples not being who they thought they were too each other anymore. People jumping in head first without giving it much thought. I think this fear of losing grip, of not being able to hold on any longer is huge for prison wives. I believe that time can go as slow or as fast as you want it to. It all depends on how you spend your days, the ways you keep your mind and self busy, the tasks and goals you set out to meet. Everything plays into whether one can "handle" doing the waiting game, whether they can actually hold on.

I have been at this about two years, and I think I have done a fairly good job of making it through thus far, but I could definitely stand to do a better job. I do not structure my time well enough and I often times find myself bored and the days dragging. I am currently not working, so I have huge chunks of time that are not filled with anything. At first I was distraught over not being able to work for this period of time, but then I realized that this is my time, my opportunity to start planning our future, and most importantly work on myself to get my mind, heart, and body ready for Isaac to come home. There are logistics that need to be worked out, etc...All these things can help me have purpose, help keep me busy. The only problem is, I am lacking in motivation. In all honesty, I miss my husband terribly, all I want to do is sleep and eat all day. We can't talk on the phone regularly and their is another week until our next visit. It is in these lagging periods, these reprieves, that I wonder if I am capable of holding on. I think of all the stress that Isaac's incarceration has caused us both. and it tears me up. I feel like I look like I have aged 5 years. I know I have the strength to carry on in this journey, but carrying on has a price attached to it.

Isaac and I want to have children for example. He is a little bit younger than me, so it is always me worrying about whether we will be able to get pregnant when he gets out. My biological clock is ticking and he still has over 3 years left! Then I ask myself, is it still worth holding on for if I possibly give up my desire to have children in order to wait for him to get out of prison? I don't know. The lack of sex and physical intimacy for me at least does not make it that hard to keep on keeping on, but to many it is a huge issue, one that can tear prison relationships apart. There are so many issues at work when considering whether a prison marriage for example will last.

Isaac and I are pretty solid and the time has gone by quite quickly most times. I hold on because holding on is what I have always done in my life, sometimes to my detriment, but it speaks to my perseverance. Living this life of a prison wife really is not for everyone. There has to be a commitment made to one's self, but also a promise, that if this isn't working out for you, that you will decide to let go.

Checking In

I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would check in and let people know how things are going. On one hand, nothing really seems new, and on the other hand, many things seem to have changed. Isaac and I keep having these rough patches where we don't see eye to eye and we argue all the time over stupid things. Then there is the fact that I go day to day almost content that I am waiting for him, and that that is just what I have to do in order to one day have my husband home with me.

Sometimes I feel so detached from Isaac. It is like on one hand we are married and I feel that so intensely inside myself, but then sometimes it seems like such a foreign concept since he is not here with me and we barely get to talk on the phone and have such short visits. I don't know how to balance my feelings. I miss him so much, but it just sucks that every time we talk we argue. I mean we are doing somewhat better and manage to end the convos on a good note, but I feel let down when he calls and I get all excited to answer and then he comes at me with stupid stuff. IDK. I am trying to keep busy, and am just frustrated with life in general. Money is always an issue and there is never enough of it. I worry about it all the time and I feel bad I can't give Isaac all that he needs in there as his wife. He says it doesn't matter, but I still feel bad. UGH I want my husband laying here next to me as it storms outside. I want to feel his love and his safety and I want to be able to breathe.

My car has been acting up which is a big worry for me because I rely on it to make the trip for visits, and to get me around in general. I don't have money for a new car. That's just a fact. I'm struggling with my weight and eating habits, my health, and just sheer laziness. For some reason I have become obsessed with appearance. I have started fearing getting older, even though I am far from old. I don't know I just feel like I try and switch my focus from Isaac and all the stress related to his situation to myself, and I don't know if it necessarily helps. I should be focusing my energy on cleaning my apartment and getting out of the house. Instead I eat food that is bad for me and stay on Tumblr all day. Isaac thinks I should get a job, and believe me if that were something I could do at the moment I would, but he doesn't understand that there are a lot of things at play in terms of that area of my life at the moment. He keeps telling me to explain, but how do I explain the fact that I get panic attacks just thinking about going back to work and how they do not seem to be triggered by something and how they are very hard to stop? I guess I just need to stay positive and pray and hope for the best. Isaac always says hope for the best and prepare for the worst. A very good motto indeed.

Worries

I know my husband is a big boy. I know he can take care of himself. I know he knows how to survive in prison, but sometimes I just think of him in there and it absolutely breaks my heart. I feel scared. He always has to appear hard at any given moment. Emotion can be mistaken for weakness. He sits in a tiny cell alone for 23 hours a day. They don’t even let him go to church. He doesn’t buy extra food off of commissary so he can buy stamps to write me. We are not able to talk on the phone every day because I can’t afford it. He has no one that he feels he can really share his feelings with in there. He holds everything inside.

I know prison is not rehab or summer camp. I know this is where he must face punishment to hopefully get a chance at redemption. I worry about him everyday because I honestly have no concept of what he faces every day in there. Do they not say a sin is a sin? Who are we to judge the quality, the make up of a sin? Who are we to place a man in a cage like a beast until in punishing him, we strip him of the very humanity we accused him of lacking to begin with? 

Babe I know your fragile heart and I pray for your protection each and every day. I am confident you will find redemption along this journey, but until you do, know that I have not forgotten your kindness and your goodness, and your love, and your massive heart. I have not forgotten that you are a person, a human being, a man whose heart beats, who feels pain, and who seeks forgiveness in life just like the rest of us.

Finding a Routine

With Isaac in prison, one thing I really struggle with is finding some sort of routine in my life. Often times people's lives are defined and mandated by their career or job. It even sometimes fuels and defines their self-worth. Many prison wives say that working helps them take their minds off of their loved one being away, and makes the time go faster. I think this is part of my problem. I am not currently working. I am talking time to re-evaluate my life and what I want to do as a career. So here I am with ALL this free time on my hands, and I feel completely lost all day every day. I need to find ways to keep myself entertained and busy.

Isaac is always telling me that I need to get out of the house and I need to keep myself busy. "How?" I ask. I live in a relatively small area, there is basically very few activities available, and I find myself stuck in a constant state of boredom. The ironic thing is that because of my depression, I don't want to do anything, but I find myself going insane from boredom. I stare at the dishes that need to be done, but I never do them. I think about going to some sort of support group, but the nearest one is an hour away. Sometimes I feel like I am making excuses for not living my life while Isaac is away. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. Truth be told I had trouble living my life even when Isaac was not in prison. Sometimes the every day challenges are just too much to handle and I find myself isolating and trying to escape life.

So, I am really trying to get rid of the self-pity and create some sort of routine for myself. I need to start with the basics. It is very hard to make changes when you want to do everything now and quickly. That is the hardest thing for me. You would think I would have great amounts of patience in my life because of being a prison wife, but in fact I can be quite impatient. One thing at a time. Hey today I should feel triumphant because I got a letter out to Isaac and I am doing a months worth of laundry. I even took my mom's dog for a walk. If I could get some exercise in, I would feel a million times better. Soooo today if it is simply doing a few dishes and washing my face, then that is what it will be. If I can do a few things that turn into a routine, then I will feel accomplished. It truly does begin with baby steps.

Like A Thing Unseen

Prison doesn't always get to me, financial strains don't always bother me, even traveling and stigma, but it is more the continuous loneliness that I feel as a prison wife. I am not saying I am ALWAYS lonely, because I do definitely feel emotionally and even physically close to my husband, but there are those nights you lie awake and alone in your bed, wishing, wishing so hard that he was lying there next to you, that if magic existed, he would appear there with his warm skin to cuddle you. Maybe to me loneliness equals the lack of physical intimacy, the lack of contact. I always wonder why prisons are so strict about letting inmates and their loved ones have physical contact. Yes there are the obvious reason such as trafficking, but really to not let a hug last more than 10 seconds? To slip a little tongue into you "brief kiss"? Isaac and I kind of do that anyway and no one usually seems to care. I love it when I step into his arms and he squeezes me so hard as I stand on my tiptoes. I love the smell of him, the way my head fits into the curve of his neck, the strength I sense in him.

The simple hand holding at visits brings me joy. I always stare at my little hands cupped inside his big ass tattooed hands, my name staring back at me in bold black letters on the space between his forefinger and thumb. Sometimes I have to stop myself from reaching out and touching his hair or his face. Sometimes when I am daring I will stroke his forearm. I love that man so much and all I want to do is wrap him up in my arms and sit that way for hours. He talks of this often. His face is wistful when he mentions holding me at night, talking into the early hours of the morning. This longing, this loneliness is pervasive, it grabs you and chokes you, shakes you and gives you doubts. It does not seem natural to be separated from the one that is most important to you.

There are also the everyday activities of life that give me pause since he is not here. I mean realistically it would be great to have a second income in the household. I would love him to help with tasks around the apartment and be able to have the little moments that only two people can share in person, such as a laugh over something trivial or a hug that results in some steamy sex in the kitchen lol. Walking hand in hand in the park, swimming, eating out. I don't even care about sex though so to speak. It seems the longer you go without it, the less you care about it. I just miss being touched, being loved by someone's skin, looking into my husbands eyes. This loneliness often goes unseen. Us prison wives put on a solid front for our children, our families, our friends. We don't want them to say 'I told you so!" or " This is too hard for you." Waiting for a loved one in prison is not an impossible task. Going without physical intimacy, missing out on the ins and outs of an "in person" relationship, those things are difficult, but doable. I mean we hear about women and men doing it all the time for YEARS. It comes down to weighing the pros and cons, and when I do this, I always come back to one thing that I know is true: I love Isaac more than life itself and to be without him is far worse than to be without him only temporarily.

Keeping Sane

It really is becoming difficult for me not to be talking to my husband. I know that he is hurting and probably going a little crazy. I know how his mind works and he is in a 23 hour lockdown unit, so he is stuck in that little cell all day. It makes me cringe just to think about it. I don't always know how to make him feel better and I just don't have the money to put on the phone. I just feel horrible rejecting his calls, but there is nothing I can do. I guess I just need to suck it up and know that he will be ok. It just makes me so mad that they keep them locked up in those cells so much. It can drive a person mad and I'm pretty sure it is well documented throughout the country that it does indeed do that to many inmates.

Soooooo I have been trying to keep myself busy and not thinking about this all day long. I am doing ok with it, but definitely need to find more things to distract myself. I exercised today, went to a thrift store, cooked dinner, wrote my babe a letter, showered, and um was on Tumblr for quite a bit.Why don't I have any hobbies?? Seriously? I used to do stuff all of the time, but it seems like since Isaac went to prison, I have slowly but surely lost any sort of semblance of a life. I am not working currently, and I feel like a recluse. I am in the apartment most of the time unless I have to run errands or go to Dr.'s appts. I don't even know what I would do if I started looking for hobbies. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore honestly. I try not to be consumed by prison and my husbands situation, but it is so hard. I constantly worry and stress and sit around thinking about him. I guess I need to find ways to stay busy. I need to keep myself sane. I already am prone to serious depression. The weather brightening up is helping, but I am always on the verge of driving myself crazy out of loneliness and despair. I have lost the majority of my friends due to both my husband's incarceration and because I chose to isolate myself.My family is supportive of us, but are busy people like most.

I try and focus on diet and exercise since I have some health problems, but it is so hard without much direct encouragement. My husband does definitely try to motivate me from a distance. Often times I will tell myself that I am doing this for both of us, so that we can live a long healthy life together, and hell I want to walk into visits looking good for my man too. My therapist suggested maybe trying out some self-help groups. Could be worth a try. All I know is that I can't sit here bored and going crazy for much longer.

Day 3

It's day 3 and I still can't answer his calls. I have no money on the phone account, which I would think he knows, but he keeps trying to call. Part of me wants to break down and use my last $25 on the phone, but I CANNOT afford it and I need to remember this. I just want to hear his voice so badly. We have been fighting so much and that 3 minute call we had on Weds. ended so abruptly that I have no idea what is going on with us. I have tried to keep myself busy today. I worked out and went and walked around a local thrift store. It is gorgeous outside, but alas here I am sitting in my apartment again. I'm hungry, but trying to stick to my diet and I'm trying to force myself to do another 20 minutes on the stationary bike. I wrote Isaac a letter, but I just can't get him off my mind and can't stop wondering how my husband is doing. I love him so very much and don't want to see him hurting. It is so difficult when we don't see eye to eye on certain issues.I hate conflict and fighting.

Man all I want to do is go eat a pizza or something and drink a beer. I want to not worry about money all the time, not be so depressed, relax. I want to clean my apartment, AND I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME WITH ME. But alas, I chose this life. I don't have to be married to an incarcerated felon. I don't have to be waiting, but then my heart says I do because he is my heart.

Standing Through Time

As we talked on the phone that one day long ago, I simply said it: “I’m not going anywhere. I will stand here, right by your side. That is my promise.” You were strangely quiet. You told me later you had been fighting back tears after I spoke those words. Now, I have loved you through four facilities in four cities. I have watched you walk towards me in orange, red, striped, and khaki jumpsuits. I have memorized the curves of your handwriting and that familiar “from an offender” stamp on each envelope. With every letter I send the seasons change and my graveyard of empty envelope boxes and used notepads grows. The faceless woman who calls me with her electronic voice is both my best friend and worst enemy, but hearing your voice is my salvation. I have sat on hard stools and plastic chairs, leaned against walls of concrete to speak to you through wires and glass. I remember my face cracking into a smile and tears welling in my eyes. I was staring at you from a distance waiting for the metal gate to part and for the first time in 13 months I was allowed to touch you. Twice a month I drive 6 hours round trip for 1 beautiful hour with you. It is all worth the rude guards and the long waits. I always squeeze you, pat your shoulder and say “take care” before you move toward those metal bars. The hurt that grabs me the minute I walk away from that place never goes away, but all is right with my world now. I held the pain you couldn’t show in there when times got rough, and you held the worry when I got sick. On our wedding day in that fortress of a prison we looked each other in the eyes and promised forever. When things get hard and time moves slowly, when we both weep on the phone, I whisper “do you remember what I promised you?” There is always a pause and you say “yes I do..and you have.” So still, two years later, here I stand. Right by your side.

Falling Apart

My husband and I seem to be falling apart. We have had the worse arguments of our relationship in the past week and today I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like he started getting down right rude on the phone so I hung up on him. I feel numb and yes scared of what his reaction will be. Will he try calling me tomorrow? Will he still want to fight? It was like I was just so happy to hear the phone ring and have it be him and he started in on my from his first breath. How can we be like this? We have been solid for so long. Is it because we just got married? I know we both miss each other and worry, but he takes worrying and ruminating to a whole new level. I think he constantly thinks that I am doing something behind his back and I resent that because I am a good wife who tries to hold him down and goes all these lonely days and nights without him, and without hardly any friends also and I still get blamed for all this shit. He needs to man up and learn to communicate better and I need to learn to stand my ground better when he seems disrespectful. He has never been like this ever and it is eating me up inside.

Thoughts on Being Broken

This blog is dedicated to my life being married to a man that is incarcerated, but I also want to take some opportunities to talk about myself and my life and struggles in general. Stuff that is not always related to prison GASP! I have been having a lot of hard times lately and quite frankly have had a lot of struggles throughout my life. Right now I feel as though I am at some sort of crossroads and everything past, present, future are all slamming into each other. I feel and see all these directions to go, but have no idea how to decide which way to go. Isaac is supportive of me and all I do in life, but he doesn't always understand the things that I deal with, the thoughts that I have, the things that consume me at times. The fact of the matter is that I have been very broken for a very long time. Depression has overshadowed my 20's as well as impulsivity. I never thought anything through and let my emotions run my actions. I get confused and sad about the direction that my life has taken at points. I'm also proud of my accomplishments as well though. Sometimes I wonder how I can be in a relationship when I feel so messed up, but I can't deny the love we have for each other and the way we bring out the best in one another. A lot of my setbacks in life have to do with holding onto the past and an inability to get over my shortcomings and mistakes. There comes a point that you can't beat yourself up anymore and that you can't let fear guide you.You simply need to live.

Peace

That day I saw the sun and moon in your eyes. I recognized would I could not remember. I became familiar with that which I had always known. I married the man that brings me to tears with his love. I had so much turmoil in my heart and in my soul prior to our marriage. I discussed the pit of depression that I had fallen into, the despair of knowing Isaac has quite a bit of time left on his sentence, and my doubts and fears. Truth be told there were some things about myself, my life, and my past that I had never told Isaac in the two years we had been together. I felt horrible for not confiding in him and trusting him to understand the things that haunt me and perplex me. I decided one day in a moment of desperation, a moment where I could no longer hold the breath inside my chest, the words inside my mouth, I spilled everything I wanted to tell Isaac. His reaction made me shed tears of relief and joy. He was understanding, caring, reassuring, and gentle with me. He told me that he doesn't judge me for the things that have happened in my life, that he loves me and that love does not have stipulations. I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. Suddenly everything became clear. I no longer had doubts about getting married. I mean I was close to dreading our wedding and we fought so much that we almost called it off. I suggested a break and Isaac couldn't handle that idea. He didn't understand why it would be necessary since we were apart so much anyway and have such limited communication.

Our upcoming marriage became solid. It became a thing to hope for, to look forward to, to believe that it would make life that much better. My entire outlook on our relationship changed. I was suddenly filled with joy and faith in the union we had created. I finally felt at peace. Everything changed at the point after I let my demons loose in the presence of Isaac and he did not reject me. I love that man more than life itself. I love him like the ocean meets the sky, never ending and with such a fervor or passion I fear I may fall off the edge of the world.

Flash to a couple of weeks ago, and it is the day of my wedding. I have spent literally months preparing for this moment. Every detail I scrutinized, every scenario I had going through my head as to what could go wrong. In the end it was combined into one lovely blissful moment. The moment I walked in that visiting room and saw Isaac sitting in the small glass room at least 30 feet away, the tears began streaming down my face and sobs racked my chest. I was filled with such emotion and love at that moment. I cried throughout the entire ceremony. Isaac did as well. We had four family members present and tears glistened on their faces as well. It was a wonderful occasion. It felt so comfortable to become Isaac's wife. Staring into each other's eyes throughout the time I felt that same sense of peace wash over me. In the depths of my mind and soul, it was a perfect moment. We visited afterwards and the next day as husband and wife.

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I don't think I realized the extent of this when we first got engaged. I made a promise to stand by Isaac through anything and everything, to be his companion, to love and trust and learn to mediate between our differences. I am still learning the meaning of this concept. I think I will for the rest of my life. Our marriage has created pact between us, one bound by love and by compromise.

In the end the choice Isaac and I made to get married was a natural one. Our love feels natural and it always has, but I know longer doubt him, doubt our relationship, doubt my choices. Believe me this life is still not easy. It is hard as hell. I have horrible days sometimes, I have moments of despair, moments where I feel as though he will never come home, never be in my arms, never stand in front of me unhindered, but I know in my heart, that this time will pass away, this time will dissipate, and he will stand in front of me. Together we will no longer be pieces, but be whole. 

Finally The Wedding!

I must apologize to all for neglecting my blog for over two months. A lot has been going on in my life good and bad as well as in my relationship with Isaac. We had our ups and downs and life refused to pause for my stubborn depression and lack of motivation. Well I'm back and ready to write my heart out! 

So I have finally gotten up the energy to write about my wedding! After weeks and weeks of stressing and planning and stressing…it went really well! Honestly I feel like it could not have been better! My biggest concern was that somehow we would have hold ups at security, but besides the fact that one of my least favorite guards was working, everyone made it through without problems. My dress wasn’t even questioned! I chose to wear a green knee length dress with a black lace pattern and a blag shrug. I actually found my flowers at a supermarket for $10. They were large white with pink center Gerbera Daisies. My sister secured them with a green ribbon to match my dress. Beats the $60 bucks the florist wanted for the same thing!

We stayed the night at a hotel before and after the wedding and it was a great idea because I was exhausted and needed that nice relaxing sleep and dip in the hot tub. My family went out of their way to do so many nice things for me to make me feel special. It genuinely touched my heart. I guess I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be that excited since something could go wrong and it wasn’t a “real wedding” but then I realized I deserved to be excited and happy. It was the day before my wedding for goodness sakes! My sister had wedding balloons in the hotel room, an itinerary with my husband and my picture on it and our schedule for the next couple days and a nice card with $20 for the vending machines at the prison in it. My mother did so much for me as well I can’t even begin to thank her, especially since she was so sick and had a lot going on at work that week. His family made a great effort to show me love and support as well.
The Chaplain met us at security and was very nice and welcoming. The ceremony was great. I love my husband so much! The minute I walked inside the visiting room and saw him sitting there like 30 feet away I began bawling. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole ceremony and either could he. I loved being able to hold his hand and stare into his eyes the whole time. We brought our own pastor and she was so great and made the ceremony so special. My mother, sister, his dad, and brother were in attendance and it went off without a hitch. We were allowed a camera in and my sister took some great pics!
It felt so natural to marry the man that holds my heart. So right. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I said “I do” to him. He told me I looked beautiful and he looked so utterly handsome and sexy. That man gives me butterflies every time I see him. We got a visit afterwards, but some sort of emergency cut it short. It actually worked out for the best, because then I got to come back the next day to finish the visit. Two days in a row yay! Sorry this has been so long. I am all over the place, but I honestly and truly believed 100% that I was making the right decision for me marrying my husband. He holds my heart and always will. The day was one of the best of my life and I am so utterly happy. We had a phone “date night” the day after our wedding lol. Yes I have been dealing with the post prison wedding blues, but I’m hanging in there. No money on the phone now, but just writing a lot! Can’t wait to see him next week. Last visit he kept touching my ring and smiling. He loves his! Thanks all for reading!