I just feel like I need a small moment to vent. I have been so thankful to be able to having visitation with Isaac. We see each other about every two weeks since he is 3 hours away. At first the experience was completely pleasant. The COs treated the visitors with respect and were friendly. I felt at ease sitting in the visiting room, my eyes only focused on him, but lately it is become irritating and unsettling. A new set of staff have been doing the visits the past number of times, and are not quite as amicable. They barely say hello and have a bad habit of making faces and of making snide comments. The pat downs have been a little too close for comfort and probably too close for what was actually needed. The visiting room staff have repeatedly picked on Isaac for things that every other inmate seems to be evidencing at the same time, and they are down right condescending and impolite about correcting him. So his chair is not in a straight line, so I didn't take the photo ticket up to the desk at the perfect time, so I was apparently sitting on the wrong side of him (even though I sat this way for multiple visits before), so his father did not lift his upper lip high enough. Does this mean that we need to be talked to like less than human? Does this mean that I have to be belittled and given smirks when asked "is that your boyfriend or whatever?" by staff? Is this a race thing? Do they have it out for him? Isaac and I are a multiracial couple and I never in a million years thought that would be an issue. There are tons of interracial couples in the visiting room and they never get bothered. They never have two or three COs watching them at all times.
Isaac does not get in trouble, he and I never do anything wrong during visits. We are just there to see each other and get some quality time together. Why all this hassling? Like I said before, visits went smoothly up to this point. It seemed like things shifted with the different staff. The fact of the matter is that I along with Isaac or afforded no luxuries, we are at the mercy of the system. What am I supposed to do when you have a feeling that the body pat down should not have been like that? Are you supposed to make trouble for yourself and him and maybe jeopardize your visits? What are you supposed to do if the visit staff seems biased, maybe even racist? It's embarrassing for Isaac to be told in front of me and his family that he needs to keep his chair straight 3 times in a row in a voice fitting for a child. He is doing time yes, but he is still a human being. I always wonder to myself, why get into a field, start a career or job doing something that you probably don't like? What is the point of that? I know to some it is just a job, and the inmates are not considered people, just objects to be kept in line. What it comes down to for me is that the hassle of these instances are worth less than the benefit of seeing my love, in the flesh, living and breathing, and waiting for me to come through.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Separation
My biggest struggle with this lifestyle is not the distance, or the difficulties of visits, money, even loneliness, but the decision regarding how to live my life without him. The concept of balance and carrying on so to speak. I fully acknowledge that I have neglected many areas of my life since he has been away. Much of my day revolves around him in some sense or another. My mood shifts with every phone call, every letter, every visit. I constantly wonder how he is doing in there, what he is doing, if he is safe, if he is depressed, etc...I miss him all the time, and I have come to realize that I am losing touch with myself and my need to live my life to the fullest.
Many women feel guilty for having fun, for doing activities without their loved one, for even being excited about anything in their lives. I always thought to myself that that was never me, but then when I took a closer look, I realized that indeed that has become me. Let's look at the facts. I have gained 30lbs from emotional overeating. I rarely have any extracurricular activities, I feel bad when I tell him I am attempting to go any where to have "fun." I have let myself and my living quarters "go." I don't care how I look or what state I appear in when people see me. I have become a recluse. I know what I need to do. I need to reclaim my life. This DOES NOT mean that I want to end things with Isaac, nor do I want to take a break from our relationship, but I more so want to gain a sense of balance in my life and with his incarceration. I don't want every thought to be about him, I don't want every action to be contingent upon whether I will be easily able to answer the phone or get a letter out in time for the postman to pick it up.
How do I begin to take my life back while still loving the man I call home? Isaac encourages me all the time to get out and do things, to not worry about him like I do, to become motivated. He is not the problem, I AM. I cannot separate his incarceration from my life. There I said it. I have struggled with depression for much of my life, it is nothing new, but the reasons for my depression have grown deeper.
Isaac and I have been together approximately a year and a half. During this time, good and bad things have occurred. I began to accept myself more and began to accept the fact that someone else could truly love me. I also began to neglect my basic needs because I was so concerned about Isaac. That is not healthy. Loving should not involve pain and discomfort of this nature. It should be pure and blameless. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. Isaac seems to disagree at times. He often will say that pain and suffering go hand in hand with love. I feel guilty that he sits in there hurting because we are apart. I honestly think we both need to become more able to tend to our own needs while loving one another in a healthy manner. Don't get me wrong our love is real and great and one of the most positive things to ever happen to both our lives. Our love does not see incarceration or separation, it is what it is, it is love and love takes all forms, but this love needs healthy hosts, two people that are content with their lives. Change is in the air and change is needed. I want to give Isaac my happiness, my good days, not my incessant crying and fumbling and him having to comfort me while he sits behind bars. I want us to be strong for each other and most of all for ourselves.
Many women feel guilty for having fun, for doing activities without their loved one, for even being excited about anything in their lives. I always thought to myself that that was never me, but then when I took a closer look, I realized that indeed that has become me. Let's look at the facts. I have gained 30lbs from emotional overeating. I rarely have any extracurricular activities, I feel bad when I tell him I am attempting to go any where to have "fun." I have let myself and my living quarters "go." I don't care how I look or what state I appear in when people see me. I have become a recluse. I know what I need to do. I need to reclaim my life. This DOES NOT mean that I want to end things with Isaac, nor do I want to take a break from our relationship, but I more so want to gain a sense of balance in my life and with his incarceration. I don't want every thought to be about him, I don't want every action to be contingent upon whether I will be easily able to answer the phone or get a letter out in time for the postman to pick it up.
How do I begin to take my life back while still loving the man I call home? Isaac encourages me all the time to get out and do things, to not worry about him like I do, to become motivated. He is not the problem, I AM. I cannot separate his incarceration from my life. There I said it. I have struggled with depression for much of my life, it is nothing new, but the reasons for my depression have grown deeper.
Isaac and I have been together approximately a year and a half. During this time, good and bad things have occurred. I began to accept myself more and began to accept the fact that someone else could truly love me. I also began to neglect my basic needs because I was so concerned about Isaac. That is not healthy. Loving should not involve pain and discomfort of this nature. It should be pure and blameless. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. Isaac seems to disagree at times. He often will say that pain and suffering go hand in hand with love. I feel guilty that he sits in there hurting because we are apart. I honestly think we both need to become more able to tend to our own needs while loving one another in a healthy manner. Don't get me wrong our love is real and great and one of the most positive things to ever happen to both our lives. Our love does not see incarceration or separation, it is what it is, it is love and love takes all forms, but this love needs healthy hosts, two people that are content with their lives. Change is in the air and change is needed. I want to give Isaac my happiness, my good days, not my incessant crying and fumbling and him having to comfort me while he sits behind bars. I want us to be strong for each other and most of all for ourselves.
Friday, October 26, 2012
All That Matters...
I have been having trouble lately getting my thoughts straight. I am all over the place in the recesses of my mind, thinking, wondering, pondering, deciphering, scrutinizing, etc...I think my brain wants to make sense of all the twists and turns my life has taken. If I think back, I never saw this coming. Where I am at in my life. I don't per say think that my decisions and choices have put me in a bad position, nor do I regret any of them, life is just so different at the moment. I have found myself reflecting more now than usual.
Almost four years ago I was living in a huge metropolis, fresh from my master's degree breathing in the life of a big city. As cliche as it sounds I felt alive and dead at the same time. Mass amounts of people and sensory stimulation make you feel like something exciting is always happening, sometimes too much. The weight of the city crushed me and gave me hope. There was extreme struggle there though, and I think this is something that I don't like to remember. We all want to dwell on the bright side, the good things that happened in our life, the "glory days," and tend to shut out the pain of the past. Circumstances occurred that brought me back to small town living, and as I have said before that changed everything.
I met Isaac almost two years after I moved back. If you have read my blog, then you know my story, so I will not go into all of that again, but what I found waiting for me here was beyond my comprehension. So I bring myself back to living in my head these past couple months. Everything is coming full circle. Isaac and I are getting married! I am very excited about this, but my mind also goes to crazy places. I have the usual doubts, regarding whether or not I am making a wise choice entering into marriage. I love him with all my heart, no doubts there. He saved my heart when it was close to dying. He metaphorically resuscitated me, breathed life back into my deflated soul.
I was at such a low point in my life when we reconnected, that there was not much light at the end of the tunnel, and so then I wonder, was that why I fell so hard? Is that the reason I cling to him with such desperation? Am I afraid that if I lose him, that I will lose myself? I understand this is such black or white thinking. This fear that I may not be a whole person if I lose the one I love, and oh do I love him so deeply. Is this the crux of prison relationships? This wanting but not having? This tug and pull, this "distance makes the heart grow fonder" concept? Do I love more fully because what I want, what I love, is not within arms reach? I believe in loving hard to no end, but I also believe in protecting myself, or perhaps my mind and body believe in protecting itself. I do not want my heart squished, and I know Isaac has no intentions of doing this. The mistakes between us are of the past, and I have finally accepted this.
You know I never thought love could be so grey. In my mind it was like "if he crossed you once, or made a mistake you are gone." The relationship is over. We are human beings though for goodness sakes!!! We mess up, we don't know what we want sometimes, we make poor choices. Many think my decision to marry Isaac while he is incarcerated is a poor choice. Many think that since we have never lived together, that we do not know each other well enough. Yes we have not shared a living space, learned every subtle annoyance, or ate each other's bad cooking on a regular basis, but we KNOW each other. We know one another better than most know there long term partners because we have had this time apart, the 10 page letters, the phone calls squeezed into 15 minute intervals to really hash out who we are and want we desire from each other. Every little thing suddenly takes on a great deal of importance.We look forward to those little things! We look forward to normalcy! I want nothing greater to never hear or see or think about anything regarding prison ever again. I will be one happy lady when that day comes. Yes we will never be truly rid of the "ghost" of prison past, but life will be about NOW, not the circumstances of his incarceration, or the taboo nature of loving an inmate.
I have gotten slightly off track. I started discussing how much my life has changed. Is it for the better? Is it just different? Is my happiness contingent upon another person? This I do not fully know or understand yet. But as I always come back to the fact of what I know about life. I know that human relationships seem to make this world go round. I know that I love Isaac and that he loves me. Why is it so wrong to just go with the moment? Not to flee responsibility, not to disown the world, but to live without constantly wondering if you made the right decision, or why you are not in the place in your life that you thought you would be in by now? I thought I would be married with three children by my age. I thought I would be working in the field that I studied to make a career in. I thought I would still live in a large city, still be haunted by my past, still loathe life. But me, as I am, am happy and for this moment that is all I can cling to and all that matters.
Almost four years ago I was living in a huge metropolis, fresh from my master's degree breathing in the life of a big city. As cliche as it sounds I felt alive and dead at the same time. Mass amounts of people and sensory stimulation make you feel like something exciting is always happening, sometimes too much. The weight of the city crushed me and gave me hope. There was extreme struggle there though, and I think this is something that I don't like to remember. We all want to dwell on the bright side, the good things that happened in our life, the "glory days," and tend to shut out the pain of the past. Circumstances occurred that brought me back to small town living, and as I have said before that changed everything.
I met Isaac almost two years after I moved back. If you have read my blog, then you know my story, so I will not go into all of that again, but what I found waiting for me here was beyond my comprehension. So I bring myself back to living in my head these past couple months. Everything is coming full circle. Isaac and I are getting married! I am very excited about this, but my mind also goes to crazy places. I have the usual doubts, regarding whether or not I am making a wise choice entering into marriage. I love him with all my heart, no doubts there. He saved my heart when it was close to dying. He metaphorically resuscitated me, breathed life back into my deflated soul.
I was at such a low point in my life when we reconnected, that there was not much light at the end of the tunnel, and so then I wonder, was that why I fell so hard? Is that the reason I cling to him with such desperation? Am I afraid that if I lose him, that I will lose myself? I understand this is such black or white thinking. This fear that I may not be a whole person if I lose the one I love, and oh do I love him so deeply. Is this the crux of prison relationships? This wanting but not having? This tug and pull, this "distance makes the heart grow fonder" concept? Do I love more fully because what I want, what I love, is not within arms reach? I believe in loving hard to no end, but I also believe in protecting myself, or perhaps my mind and body believe in protecting itself. I do not want my heart squished, and I know Isaac has no intentions of doing this. The mistakes between us are of the past, and I have finally accepted this.
You know I never thought love could be so grey. In my mind it was like "if he crossed you once, or made a mistake you are gone." The relationship is over. We are human beings though for goodness sakes!!! We mess up, we don't know what we want sometimes, we make poor choices. Many think my decision to marry Isaac while he is incarcerated is a poor choice. Many think that since we have never lived together, that we do not know each other well enough. Yes we have not shared a living space, learned every subtle annoyance, or ate each other's bad cooking on a regular basis, but we KNOW each other. We know one another better than most know there long term partners because we have had this time apart, the 10 page letters, the phone calls squeezed into 15 minute intervals to really hash out who we are and want we desire from each other. Every little thing suddenly takes on a great deal of importance.We look forward to those little things! We look forward to normalcy! I want nothing greater to never hear or see or think about anything regarding prison ever again. I will be one happy lady when that day comes. Yes we will never be truly rid of the "ghost" of prison past, but life will be about NOW, not the circumstances of his incarceration, or the taboo nature of loving an inmate.
I have gotten slightly off track. I started discussing how much my life has changed. Is it for the better? Is it just different? Is my happiness contingent upon another person? This I do not fully know or understand yet. But as I always come back to the fact of what I know about life. I know that human relationships seem to make this world go round. I know that I love Isaac and that he loves me. Why is it so wrong to just go with the moment? Not to flee responsibility, not to disown the world, but to live without constantly wondering if you made the right decision, or why you are not in the place in your life that you thought you would be in by now? I thought I would be married with three children by my age. I thought I would be working in the field that I studied to make a career in. I thought I would still live in a large city, still be haunted by my past, still loathe life. But me, as I am, am happy and for this moment that is all I can cling to and all that matters.
Wow!
Wow I didn't realize that it has been so long since I have posted! I am going to do a couple entries this weekend and try and catch up! I have been having a bit of a tough time lately dealing with some depression and life circumstances. I have apparently neglected quite a few things in my life, but I am eager to get back to blogging!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Rip Me Away
I feel so tired right now, actually just plain exhausted. Yesterday I went through three hours of "marriage counseling" with Isaac. I walked into that prison thinking this experience would be different than normal visitation, but it actually seemed worse to me. You would think spending three hours together would be great, but it really only emphasized the distance that constantly exists between us because of the nature of this situation.
No hugs or kisses were allowed at the beginning of class. We had to sit facing forward on either sides of the table. We sat through a 3 hour lecture basically on communication and warning signs of relationships with no interactive or personal learning experiences. I wanted to pull my hair out and even glancing at Isaac seemed inappropriate. They gave us five minutes at the end of the session to hold hands, talk, and to hug and kiss. FIVE minutes. I left feeling empty and numb, but what should I have expected? This is prison for goodness sakes! They are afforded nothing, no luxuries, no special moments, and you know those of us there for the class, by association were afforded nothing as well. To the guards, and even to the teachers, nothing about our relationships, our desire to marry, was fully appropriate or a cause to celebrate. I felt we looked foolish for wanting to create an outward symbol of our love for each other. The other prison fiances looked as unenthusiastic as me, yet slightly numb to the whole situation. I felt like my emotions were attacking me. One man's soon to be spouse did not even show up. I felt like a joke, and I felt such an intense longing for the one I love sitting only inches away from me, yet so far away in that moment.
I was left feeling drained, incomplete, even sorrowful with a full blown headache and a need to soothe myself with food or a cigarette or anything that would distract me from the experience I just had. Maybe I should have been grateful just to be in the same room as my love for that period of time. Many do not even get that. Maybe I should have powered on, looked at the bright side, felt renewed in my desire to marry Isaac. I don't even really know how I feel at this point. I woke up so so tired and weary this morning. All I want is to talk to Isaac on the phone, to be able to hash through this experience with him, to hear his thoughts on how it went, but I cannot do that. Phone money is scarce, actually non-existent at this moment. Money period is missing from my life. I feel so lost, ripped away from the one who holds my heart. Sometimes I think I sound like a hopeless romantic sprinkled with hints of reality here and there, but I love this man. Sometimes I do not even know exactly why, but I know the minute I see his face, it is all over for me. He is mine and I am his. Our love permeates through me. So I think to myself is this worth it, to be constantly torn apart literally and inside my being? But then I remember why I do this, and think to myself, every time I see him no matter the circumstances, they will have to rip me away to separate the love we share.
No hugs or kisses were allowed at the beginning of class. We had to sit facing forward on either sides of the table. We sat through a 3 hour lecture basically on communication and warning signs of relationships with no interactive or personal learning experiences. I wanted to pull my hair out and even glancing at Isaac seemed inappropriate. They gave us five minutes at the end of the session to hold hands, talk, and to hug and kiss. FIVE minutes. I left feeling empty and numb, but what should I have expected? This is prison for goodness sakes! They are afforded nothing, no luxuries, no special moments, and you know those of us there for the class, by association were afforded nothing as well. To the guards, and even to the teachers, nothing about our relationships, our desire to marry, was fully appropriate or a cause to celebrate. I felt we looked foolish for wanting to create an outward symbol of our love for each other. The other prison fiances looked as unenthusiastic as me, yet slightly numb to the whole situation. I felt like my emotions were attacking me. One man's soon to be spouse did not even show up. I felt like a joke, and I felt such an intense longing for the one I love sitting only inches away from me, yet so far away in that moment.
I was left feeling drained, incomplete, even sorrowful with a full blown headache and a need to soothe myself with food or a cigarette or anything that would distract me from the experience I just had. Maybe I should have been grateful just to be in the same room as my love for that period of time. Many do not even get that. Maybe I should have powered on, looked at the bright side, felt renewed in my desire to marry Isaac. I don't even really know how I feel at this point. I woke up so so tired and weary this morning. All I want is to talk to Isaac on the phone, to be able to hash through this experience with him, to hear his thoughts on how it went, but I cannot do that. Phone money is scarce, actually non-existent at this moment. Money period is missing from my life. I feel so lost, ripped away from the one who holds my heart. Sometimes I think I sound like a hopeless romantic sprinkled with hints of reality here and there, but I love this man. Sometimes I do not even know exactly why, but I know the minute I see his face, it is all over for me. He is mine and I am his. Our love permeates through me. So I think to myself is this worth it, to be constantly torn apart literally and inside my being? But then I remember why I do this, and think to myself, every time I see him no matter the circumstances, they will have to rip me away to separate the love we share.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Debut
As part of the marriage process, Isaac has been attending a series of marriage counseling courses. Him along with a number of other male inmates who are planning on marrying while inside, meet weekly with an instructor from the chaplain's office. I have always yearned to know how these classes go, and Isaac has briefed me a bit, but I still wonder "what do these men talk about?" or "what has he said about me?" Well...I was recently told by Isaac that we will have a joint 3 hour session this coming Saturday with the marriage counselor and all the other prospective spouses. I am nervous as hell about this.
So many things ran through my mind when Isaac told me that I needed to attend. Marriage counseling with just the two of us sounds very reasonable, but to whisk into some large room filled with inmates and their loved ones? That sounds a bit overwhelming to me. Maybe it is that small narcissistic voice in the back of my head, but my first thought was "what will people think?" "Will I look ok?" "Will others make fun of me?" My confidence is shaky usually, but this just takes it to another level. I already feel judged by others in the visiting room because of what I perceive as my physical appearance, but to stand up, and as Isaac so joyously told me "role play" in front of a group of people? That would make my self-esteem plummet.
Now back to my reasonable voice. These men and women will be so excited to see each other (as I know Isaac and I will be), that they will probably not even really notice anything else. This is about each of us couples, not about the group as a whole. That soothes me temporarily, until I am flooded by images of us sitting around a table staring at each other as one of us painfully speaks about some important subject.
I think what it comes down to, is that I do have low self-esteem, that I do not always feel attractive or strong, or even worthy. I fear that someone will make a snide comment and set off Isaac's need to "protect me." People do a lot of talking and give a lot of looks. I have seen it in the waiting room and in the visiting room. The sizing up of each other. Some would say "look at the situation these people are in, look at the circumstances!" "Why should anyone be judging anyone else?" Why? Because it is human nature to judge. It is part of who we are. We have all done it. I admit I look curiously at the other prison wives and girlfriends. I wonder what their story is. Maybe curiosity is fine, but cruelty or assumptions are not.
I think to myself that perhaps I am coming from the wrong school of thought on this, that I should only focus on getting some good information from this class and hell, I get to spend three hours with my love! That is pretty freaking awesome! How can I push that aside? My mind is all over the place, and all in the wrong places. I should be excited to see Isaac, whom I haven't spoken to on the phone for a week! I should be thrilled for the opportunity to learn more about our relationship. When it comes down to it, it is not about looks, or clothing, or size, or intelligence. It is about us, our joy, our comfort in each other, OUR MARRIAGE! The beginning of a new chapter in our lives! I should be excited! But yes, still I struggle, still I make this experience all about me, about my insecurities. Isaac continually says he is so excited and happy to "show off his lady." That makes me excited because I know this means a lot to him and I have lost sight of the fact that it means a lot to me as well. This is not a theater production, not a performance in front of an audience, and not about me. I am a human being...and this is not my debut, but together it is OUR debut, or own private moment, that no one can take away from with even the harshest of words or looks.
So many things ran through my mind when Isaac told me that I needed to attend. Marriage counseling with just the two of us sounds very reasonable, but to whisk into some large room filled with inmates and their loved ones? That sounds a bit overwhelming to me. Maybe it is that small narcissistic voice in the back of my head, but my first thought was "what will people think?" "Will I look ok?" "Will others make fun of me?" My confidence is shaky usually, but this just takes it to another level. I already feel judged by others in the visiting room because of what I perceive as my physical appearance, but to stand up, and as Isaac so joyously told me "role play" in front of a group of people? That would make my self-esteem plummet.
Now back to my reasonable voice. These men and women will be so excited to see each other (as I know Isaac and I will be), that they will probably not even really notice anything else. This is about each of us couples, not about the group as a whole. That soothes me temporarily, until I am flooded by images of us sitting around a table staring at each other as one of us painfully speaks about some important subject.
I think what it comes down to, is that I do have low self-esteem, that I do not always feel attractive or strong, or even worthy. I fear that someone will make a snide comment and set off Isaac's need to "protect me." People do a lot of talking and give a lot of looks. I have seen it in the waiting room and in the visiting room. The sizing up of each other. Some would say "look at the situation these people are in, look at the circumstances!" "Why should anyone be judging anyone else?" Why? Because it is human nature to judge. It is part of who we are. We have all done it. I admit I look curiously at the other prison wives and girlfriends. I wonder what their story is. Maybe curiosity is fine, but cruelty or assumptions are not.
I think to myself that perhaps I am coming from the wrong school of thought on this, that I should only focus on getting some good information from this class and hell, I get to spend three hours with my love! That is pretty freaking awesome! How can I push that aside? My mind is all over the place, and all in the wrong places. I should be excited to see Isaac, whom I haven't spoken to on the phone for a week! I should be thrilled for the opportunity to learn more about our relationship. When it comes down to it, it is not about looks, or clothing, or size, or intelligence. It is about us, our joy, our comfort in each other, OUR MARRIAGE! The beginning of a new chapter in our lives! I should be excited! But yes, still I struggle, still I make this experience all about me, about my insecurities. Isaac continually says he is so excited and happy to "show off his lady." That makes me excited because I know this means a lot to him and I have lost sight of the fact that it means a lot to me as well. This is not a theater production, not a performance in front of an audience, and not about me. I am a human being...and this is not my debut, but together it is OUR debut, or own private moment, that no one can take away from with even the harshest of words or looks.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Silent Treatment
I am not a woman of leisure or wealth. I struggle to make ends meet...a lot. This also inadvertently affects Isaac as well. I must maintain a phone account if I want to talk to him, must have the funds if he needs something off of commissary, must supply gas money if I want to visit him. I do not in any way begrudge him any of these things, nor am I angry because of the twists and turns life has taken to land us in this situation, but I do become very, very, very frustrated. It is the tug between want and need, the struggle to balance reality with fantasy, that I hate so very much.
I have had no money on the phone since last Weds. Isaac and I, although well meaning at first, burn through our phone minutes because we just love talking to each other, staying in contact, his only ability to reach out to my world in real time. Yes, we write tons of letters, and I LOVE receiving them and sending them. He looks forward to letters like a child on Christmas day. I personally can tell when the mailman opens my mailbox from across the kitchen. Anyways letters are great, but they do not provide the instant give and take of a conversation, a simple conversation. Phone calls are ways to encourage each other, to keep one another posted on the daily happenings of our lives, to relay necessary information about things such as visitation day changes, or a message from his family telling him they love him. It is an opportunity to affirm our love and affection for one another, to have "dates," to give one another strength for the coming week.
So here I sit in silence. A dreaded, numbing silence. I try to keep myself busy, doing the dishes, tidying up around my place, writing, reading his letters and writing new ones, but the down time is the worst. The time where your mind wanders to how he is doing, if he is ok, what is going on in his life and I know he lays around and wanders the same. He said even while working an 8 hour day, his mine strays to me and thoughts of how I am. We hate not being able to talk on the phone, to have that limited yet precious chunk of time to relate to each other. I am reminded of the wants and needs of my own self, and the desires of Isaac. I feel guilty, I feel horrible that I cannot be consistent with things such as commissary, phone time, say maybe a magazine subscription or an encouraging card. Sometimes I can't even afford to buy a card at the store! I am sick of struggling but find myself in such a rut financially due to health problems.
I miss hearing Isaac's voice always starting with the words "how are you doing?" The held breath is expelled from my chest, and for a moment I am completely relaxed because he is ok. He is not hurt, or sick, or in the hole, or being moved all over the prison. He is solid, he is in one piece, he is happy to hear my voice. For a minute the distance both physically and metaphorically dissipates and I feel whole. I feel regenerated, I feel able to face the day. There is nothing like a wake up call, my voice still groggy with sleep and the ring of the phone is the first sound I hear. A beautiful sound.
Often when wallowing I remind myself that I made a choice to be in this situation with Isaac. That I love him ferociously, that I do not see my world without him, but then is that really a choice? I think about this while I sit with the phantom echoes of a ring tone. Sometimes I even swear I hear the phone ringing, but in fact it sits cold and blank. Reality is a harsh pill to swallow. It is frustrating, angering that my circumstances cannot allow me to talk to the one I love, that our time together is measured, that I am away from the one I love. Reality dictates life though. I am an adult, a woman who must follow the rules of this current day existence. Until I can fully recognize responsibility, can understand the concept of needing to take care of myself before being able to hold him down, then here will I sit, in a self-imposed silent treatment.
I have had no money on the phone since last Weds. Isaac and I, although well meaning at first, burn through our phone minutes because we just love talking to each other, staying in contact, his only ability to reach out to my world in real time. Yes, we write tons of letters, and I LOVE receiving them and sending them. He looks forward to letters like a child on Christmas day. I personally can tell when the mailman opens my mailbox from across the kitchen. Anyways letters are great, but they do not provide the instant give and take of a conversation, a simple conversation. Phone calls are ways to encourage each other, to keep one another posted on the daily happenings of our lives, to relay necessary information about things such as visitation day changes, or a message from his family telling him they love him. It is an opportunity to affirm our love and affection for one another, to have "dates," to give one another strength for the coming week.
So here I sit in silence. A dreaded, numbing silence. I try to keep myself busy, doing the dishes, tidying up around my place, writing, reading his letters and writing new ones, but the down time is the worst. The time where your mind wanders to how he is doing, if he is ok, what is going on in his life and I know he lays around and wanders the same. He said even while working an 8 hour day, his mine strays to me and thoughts of how I am. We hate not being able to talk on the phone, to have that limited yet precious chunk of time to relate to each other. I am reminded of the wants and needs of my own self, and the desires of Isaac. I feel guilty, I feel horrible that I cannot be consistent with things such as commissary, phone time, say maybe a magazine subscription or an encouraging card. Sometimes I can't even afford to buy a card at the store! I am sick of struggling but find myself in such a rut financially due to health problems.
I miss hearing Isaac's voice always starting with the words "how are you doing?" The held breath is expelled from my chest, and for a moment I am completely relaxed because he is ok. He is not hurt, or sick, or in the hole, or being moved all over the prison. He is solid, he is in one piece, he is happy to hear my voice. For a minute the distance both physically and metaphorically dissipates and I feel whole. I feel regenerated, I feel able to face the day. There is nothing like a wake up call, my voice still groggy with sleep and the ring of the phone is the first sound I hear. A beautiful sound.
Often when wallowing I remind myself that I made a choice to be in this situation with Isaac. That I love him ferociously, that I do not see my world without him, but then is that really a choice? I think about this while I sit with the phantom echoes of a ring tone. Sometimes I even swear I hear the phone ringing, but in fact it sits cold and blank. Reality is a harsh pill to swallow. It is frustrating, angering that my circumstances cannot allow me to talk to the one I love, that our time together is measured, that I am away from the one I love. Reality dictates life though. I am an adult, a woman who must follow the rules of this current day existence. Until I can fully recognize responsibility, can understand the concept of needing to take care of myself before being able to hold him down, then here will I sit, in a self-imposed silent treatment.
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