Fighting

Its been a bad day...I've been up since 5am. Got ready to go to the gym, and was writing Isaac an email when he called. I could sense his bad mood from the second I said hello. Let's just say it became a monstrous fight and has me questioning our relationship, probably him as well. It sounds weird, but sometimes I think Isaac loves me and hates me at the same time. He resents my freedom, he gets stressed out, he has pent up anger, and I become the target. I'm not saying I didn't do my fair share of name calling and finger pointing. We both did. I don't know how thing escalated so quickly. We hung up out of phone time, he tried to call back using that last minute, but the phone dropped the call or he hung up on me. 

I have no idea how he is feeling right now.  Hell I don't even know how I feel right now. I love my husband but I don't love us disrespecting one another. So I slept a bit, went to the gym, packed some more, and wrote him a short email tonight. I miss him. We are out of phone money until next month, so it's emails or letters. This is where patience comes in. I expect a nasty letter from him, but I wish we could just solve this. Here I am making great strides in my life and now I feel stuck. I know Isaac does too. I know he feels helpless. I just want this to all be worth it. Not one of those prison marriage statistics. I know we will work this out. It just takes patience. 

Money Woes

It's one of those months where the money for phone calls has run out early. I would spend some of my bill money on the phone if Isaac didn't strictly forbid me. That is how powerful hearing his voice is. I need it, I want it, I feel so much better after talking to him. This morning we just used our last couple of minutes. It makes me feel sad and depressed that we can't talk, but some couples in this situation can't talk at all, whether it be their man is in the hole or he lost privileges for some reason. Those are just a few of the scenarios, so I remind myself I must be grateful that we get to talk at all and I really should be reasonable and realistic, but when it comes to love, I feel like I have been bulldozed over. Nothing feels rational. Sensible has gone out the window.

Isaac and I know how much we love each other, but we also know we have to be preparing for the "real world." When he gets out, money will be super tight and we will have to operate from a realistic stand point. He will have fees for house arrest. He will have all sorts of fees probably for parole or probation, and he will probably have trouble getting a job as a felon. Ok I'm going off on a tangent and getting myself all worked up about money. So to make a long story short, Isaac is right. I need to not put money on the phone just because I want to hear his voice. It is not the way life works. I thought I was strong, but I suddenly feel very weak. There are a lot of tests in this life and I guess this is one of them.