Strange Sensations

I have been thinking a lot lately about my husband coming home. I dream about it, I fantasize about when he will be free of the walls of prison. It hurts in my gut right now, the missing him. I feel peculiar, as though I have an itch I can't scratch, yet extremely sad and excited at the same time. He is almost under the 2 year mark, less with time cuts, and I am left scattered and wondering how I will get everything set up for him to come home.

I worry a lot, if you haven't guessed. I worry that we won't be able to find a place to live that will be ok with a felon. I worry about money and how tight it will be with court costs, etc...Should I be embracing this strange feeling of excitement or drown in the what ifs? I have been waiting a long time to see an end in sight. I want that end to turn out well. There is a fine line between catastophizing and thinking ahead.

This is my constant battle. I fight it night and day. I am sick of fighting it. It's like my husband has been gone so long, I forget what he was like in the free world. I have almost forgotten what he looks like in street clothes, how it feels to lay my head on his chest, to kiss for as long as we want, for him to hold me. The closer that comes into view, honestly all I can think about and freak about is what is life going to be like married to a felon? If you have read my earlier posts, you will remember we got married since he has been in. We never lived together when he was out. We have a lot of adjustments.

I think I am just sick of a lot of shit. I am sick of changing my shirt 3 times at visitation or having guards look at me like I am a creature. I am sick of paying for phone calls and driving over 3 hours to see my husband every week. I know I know, I always come back to it. I chose this life. But when I am sitting at the staff Christmas party alone, I feel angry, when I am sick and lying in bed wishing he was here to take care of me, I feel angry. Why did he have to mess up? Why did he have to get in trouble? The present is all that I can hold onto because the past is gone. I guess that leaves the future and no matter what it holds, I made a promise a very long time ago to stand by my husband's side. I still feel passionately about that promise and even my worries will not shake that. I just need to vent every once in awhile!

Living Life vs. Waiting

I often struggle with the concept of living my life wholly and fully vs. playing the waiting game, placing things on hold while my husband is away. I think I have done the latter unintentionally these past 4 years, but it is really hard to continue to live your life as if something is not missing! My other half is missing. Our life together is missing! We don't wake up together or go to sleep together. We don't share meals or walks together. We can't cuddle on the couch or think about starting our family yet.

On the other hand, I yearn to keep some sort of normalcy and a life. I recently started a job and my coworkers invite me out on the weekends. Although it brings a certain sense of guilt, I enjoy getting out every once in a while. My husband sometimes gets upset about this, but what it comes down to I've learned is that he's more hurt he can't be enjoying the fun out here with me too. He really gets depressed and I feel guilty.

So where's the happy medium? I've started working out again, I see a therapist, work takes most of my day.  I spend time with friends and family. But sometimes it doesn't seem like enough, because I'm constantly thinking of Isaac. The more time grows closer the harder it is to be without him.

Some ladies devote their whole lives to their significant other. I'm not saying that's wrong, but for me it puts me in hyper focus and makes me sad and depressed. I'm always wondering what he's doing.

We talk about keeping our eyes on the prize, but can we do that while having a life? Devotion and obsession are two different things. I feel you don't want to look back on years of your life and wonder what you did. There has to be a happy medium. Discuss it with your man. Explain your need for a life outside of prison. If he loves you and wants the best for you, he will understand. 

The Prison Wife Life

There is a certain sadness that comes along with being a prison wife/girlfriend/fiancé, etc...Sometimes we try to pretend like it doesn't exist, like it isn't curled up next to us, that we are not alone, but still it lingers. It comes at night, it comes when witnessing others in happy relationships, it comes unprovoked. Time eases it and makes it worse all in one breath.

Isaac and I were in an apart period or a "broken up" period I guess you could say when he was arrested and sent to jail. I had no idea he was in there for two months. He wasn't ripped away from me, he simply disappeared. I know often the sadness and the trauma that comes from the loved one being "taken" from their significant other, which I think is very understandable, but I don't think you need that type of situation to feel the loss, to feel the sadness, the trauma.

There are those that are MWI "Met While Incarcerated" and they feel the loss and sadness too because in my opinion it is more about dwelling on what we are missing, feeling the absence of a person we have grown to love and care for. As I stated Isaac and I were not together before he became incarcerated even though we had dabbled in "something" for a period. Our time prior to incarceration was filled with turmoil. I was so mad at him and then when I found out he was in jail for some reason I softened. Was that good or bad? I am not sure, but I know I was sad, sad that a man I had met outside the context of prison, a gentle man was in a cage now. Now the majority of our relationship and all of our marriage is based on and set in the context of incarceration. I think that's what makes me sad at times, that I don't know my own marriage outside of a box. I think of all we could have had if he had not gone away. It drives me mad at time.  With time passing I get anxious.

This sadness dwells inside us and we push it away, or sometimes we wallow in it, sometimes we embrace it for what it is and continue on with our lives. I have seen some prison wives consumed by it. Maybe I am consumed by it.

At Last!

I'm so excited, but it's like at the same time I don't want to hope, I'm used to being let down. What I'm referring to, is my husband got into basically like a life skills program in his prison and we are thrilled! I haven't heard this much joy in Isaac's voice in a long time, probably never since he got to prison. He got moved out of 23 hour lockdown where he had sat for the better part of two years to a dormitory and he loved his new found "freedom." 

He also broke the news to me that we get weekly visits now instead of bi-weekly ones and they are for two hours instead of one! I broke down crying in the pharmacy when he told me this. I get 6 extra hours with my husband a month! That is if I can make it every week. Finally he said sometimes they have family days and have family come for picnics. I was like "say what?" If he completes the course he will get a 6 month time cut, which isn't too shabby either. 

On one hand I'm ecstatic, on the other I'm so afraid to have hope because we have had so many let downs. I'm thinking of all the what ifs and am feeling all nervous, when Isaac is walking on cloud nine. Perhaps I should dare to hope? What's the point of carefully dissecting the odds, etc...that will only bring him down. All he needs is encouragement and support from his wife and I will make sure to give all I have. 

Welcome Back Me! Some Updates

Wow I can't believe it has been quite this long since I have blogged! Time can just fly sometimes! Some updates on me. I finally got moved! I have been in my new city a little over 2 weeks and although I love it, it is an adjustment. I love being an hour closer to Isaac! I went for a visit with him last week. I am sadly still unpacking. Two days before I moved, I woke up with horrible back pain. I got through it though and drove a very large U-Haul 4 hours through a thunderstorm and rush hour traffic. My family and friends have been great helping me and I love my little apartment. It's very peaceful...and also two times smaller than my previous one!

Isaac is doing well. We have had our ups and downs as usual, but we are good. I think the move was difficult on Isaac as well and I don't know why this did not really occur to me at first. He could sense my stress and I wasn't writing, etc...Now that things have settled down, I am getting back into letters. I got 4 out to him this past week!  I will visit again hopefully next week.

I don't have internet yet in my new place so I have been bored out of my mind. I started reading again though, which feels strange yet wonderful and I went to the gym for the first time since my back was so bad. I really should go to the gym today. Hey maybe I will. I just can't shake waking up so tired for some reason today, even after a cup of coffee.

It is hard being in an entirely new place, where you have to meet new people, establish yourself, begin working at a new place, get settled in, etc...I can't lie I am a little homesick, but it does help to know that Isaac is physically closer to me. Just knowing that helps.

During the time I have been away, I will be honest, I have had some serious doubts about whether I could continue this waiting, this feeling of being on hold. I don't know exactly what was triggering it, I was just really, really tired. After so much time has passed, you start to get a little tired. But I think it is all about refocusing, taking care of and doing things for myself, and remembering what is important in my relationship with Isaac. I can't let prison define who we are. I have said time and time again if we let LOVE not PRISON define our relationship, then we are indeed free.

Fighting

Its been a bad day...I've been up since 5am. Got ready to go to the gym, and was writing Isaac an email when he called. I could sense his bad mood from the second I said hello. Let's just say it became a monstrous fight and has me questioning our relationship, probably him as well. It sounds weird, but sometimes I think Isaac loves me and hates me at the same time. He resents my freedom, he gets stressed out, he has pent up anger, and I become the target. I'm not saying I didn't do my fair share of name calling and finger pointing. We both did. I don't know how thing escalated so quickly. We hung up out of phone time, he tried to call back using that last minute, but the phone dropped the call or he hung up on me. 

I have no idea how he is feeling right now.  Hell I don't even know how I feel right now. I love my husband but I don't love us disrespecting one another. So I slept a bit, went to the gym, packed some more, and wrote him a short email tonight. I miss him. We are out of phone money until next month, so it's emails or letters. This is where patience comes in. I expect a nasty letter from him, but I wish we could just solve this. Here I am making great strides in my life and now I feel stuck. I know Isaac does too. I know he feels helpless. I just want this to all be worth it. Not one of those prison marriage statistics. I know we will work this out. It just takes patience. 

Money Woes

It's one of those months where the money for phone calls has run out early. I would spend some of my bill money on the phone if Isaac didn't strictly forbid me. That is how powerful hearing his voice is. I need it, I want it, I feel so much better after talking to him. This morning we just used our last couple of minutes. It makes me feel sad and depressed that we can't talk, but some couples in this situation can't talk at all, whether it be their man is in the hole or he lost privileges for some reason. Those are just a few of the scenarios, so I remind myself I must be grateful that we get to talk at all and I really should be reasonable and realistic, but when it comes to love, I feel like I have been bulldozed over. Nothing feels rational. Sensible has gone out the window.

Isaac and I know how much we love each other, but we also know we have to be preparing for the "real world." When he gets out, money will be super tight and we will have to operate from a realistic stand point. He will have fees for house arrest. He will have all sorts of fees probably for parole or probation, and he will probably have trouble getting a job as a felon. Ok I'm going off on a tangent and getting myself all worked up about money. So to make a long story short, Isaac is right. I need to not put money on the phone just because I want to hear his voice. It is not the way life works. I thought I was strong, but I suddenly feel very weak. There are a lot of tests in this life and I guess this is one of them.

Hard Days and Nights

I had a really hard day and night yesterday. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried myself to sleep. The enormity of the task of trying for the sentence modification and how Isaac will function out in the free world got to me. I worry he is institutionalized. He has spent more of his adult life in prison then out of it. After having a conversation with someone who works in prison advocacy, I got some potentially devastating news about one of his charges. Upon taking his plea agreement 3 years ago, he was not well informed. It makes me so angry that he was misinformed or uninformed or not informed of anything period.

Anyway I cried and cried, I ate bad food, I didn't exercise. I slept. I used every bad coping skill in my arsenal and felt devastated. I honestly wondered if this could be the demise of our relationship? If Isaac's "everything will be fine" attitude had me feeling so secure, that I missed the danger up ahead signs. I wrote an impassioned email to him full of anger and desperation, but then I stopped myself from sending it, because I know that gets us nowhere and it upsets him and makes him feel powerless. Well damn it I feel powerless too though! I didn't send it, I want to take some time to think about all this information, but it is eating me up inside. I am vague about Isaac's charges on purpose. It is pretty much prison wife etiquette not to discuss your husband's charges. I also wanted people to understand that Isaac could be any one of your men, sons, husbands. The charge doesn't matter, the experience, the journey does. I always write and speak of redemption for mistakes. I believe in the idea that one can make right what was wrong. It just seems like our judicial system doesn't want to believe in redemption. We have a society that screams about second chances and a system that wants to lock people up and throw away the key.

So here I am the next day. I feel rather broken and I have no one physically in front of me who will listen and can fully understand this situation. So I come to all of you, who know this feeling well. I know I am not alone. We are everywhere and this digital connection I have with all of you keeps me going. People make jokes that I am online too much and on every social media site. I don't think it is funny that people come to me for help when they feel alone, or I can spread information to so many. That's empowerment.

I have a lot to do today. A very busy day that my body wants to shut down on, but I am going to walk one step at a time and try and get through it because I know all of you are doing the same and that gives me strength..

I'm Exhausted and Nostalgic

I feel tired, pretty damn exhausted to be exact. I am trying so hard to keep up my workout and eating regimen and write Isaac and visiting, and work, and begin the moving process. I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. When I was driving back from the gym, it was just starting to get light out and I was looking at the frozen lake and the park and the suns rays peeking out. I was listening to Lana Del Rey and the words "summer nights in mid July, when you and I were forever wild," came on and it made me sad and so nostalgic. Isaac and I could be having a morning walk by the lake, we could be stealing kisses behind the big oak trees, lord I sound like a teenager, but that is what I feel like at times when it comes to Isaac. We didn't have much time together before he was gone, and we missed so many relationship milestones. We missed the beauty of falling in love out in the world. What we had out here was lust, with some feelings tossed in between. We fell in love in prison, we discovered each other behind bars. So basically I am nostalgic for what I have not had, little nuanced acts that want to bring me to tears when I think of them.

My mood is so much better with the exercise and the demise of winter slowly yet surely. Better days are coming, I can feel that. I pray that Isaac can get this sentence modification. I pray we can begin to make moments that before had got lost with prison. I'm in love and I want to express that, not always through the written word, or through pictures, or phone calls. I want to feel the warm skin of my lover and remind him of when we were "forever wild," our kind of forever wild.

No More!

Winter go away! I drove at 6:30am in snow, snow, snow to the gym. I want spring already! 

Keeping Busy

The biggest problem I have had since Isaac became incarcerated is keeping busy. I work only part time and living in a small town there is not a lot in the way of hobbies or activities. Well I have taken up working out both for my health and as something to do and it helps my mood a lot. Isaac and I made a bet that we were going to lose 20 lbs together, so here goes nothing. I am heading to my therapist's, and then to the gym for some major working out. Maybe even a class, which I am really shy about. I figure if I have to drive a half hour to the gym, then I might as well stay for awhile.

This Matter of Waiting

Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait. I wait for letters, I wait in the waiting room for visitation, I wait for him to call, etc...I feel like waiting is my professional job. Don't get me wrong I have become efficient at waiting, but sometimes it just gets to me. I feel this listless feeling, I feel all pent up at the same time, the only way the tension dissipates is by hearing his voice or reading his words. I know my sun rises and sets with Isaac, and this scares me at times. I worry about what exactly am I waiting for. Is the man that comes out after possibly 6 straight years of incarceration going to be the person I met. We are married for goodness sakes, and although many saw that as a foolish move, getting married in prison, it only strengthened our bond. What I am saying though is this is no light matter. I am waiting for my HUSBAND.This and any type of waiting has substance to it, a weight to it that can either break or mend.

We have a lot at stake with our relationship, with the endless days that go by that I sit her wishing he was here with me and him wishing the same. We have planned an altered future together and we want to see it come to pass. Sometimes at night I lay in bed choking back sobs because the loss of him is so great. The sound of his voice is really like a form of salvation and that scares me. It scares me that I love him so much and that I have put so much on hold for him. I think about the give and take and I am obviously not blaming him for not being able to buy me flowers or take me on a date, but just the thought of such acts baffle me. Will our life ever be normal? He will have the word "felon" practically stamped on his forehead for his life and it will not just be him it effects. It will effect me and our future children. I hate the way society boasts about second chances in life and then never gives them. He will always be that horrible 7 digit number to them and I will always be the fool that married him. I do not care. I love my man and I will stick by him through thick and thin. That is not a question. I guess I am just venting about the idea of waiting, waiting, waiting, always waiting for something to happen, for something period, so I think it is important that I make some good moves in my life.

I have started to exercise daily after joining a gym and I plan on moving to find a good place for Isaac and I to live when he comes home. Moving is not small deal to me. I have lived in my current place almost 5 years. I can't even remember what it is like to move. The search will be stressful, but I will be ok. I think to counteract that waiting, you have to keep moving, keep going, keep hope and planning, and dreams alive.

Love

I was reading a book the other day and it instructed me to write about love. It didn't specify to write about how it feels or what it looks like, etc...It just said to write about love. So I thought I would.

Love is your yawn when you are exhausted from too little sleep and the way you stretch your arms simultaneously. This is love because you still have time to see your wife even though your eyes are drooping. Love is seeing the tears drip from your eyes on our wedding day. The way after we take our visitation picture you run your fingers through my hair at the risk of getting caught. Love is every song you ever tell me to listen to and the tears that run down my face when I actually get a chance to listen to them.

Love was how you bugged the CO's, even writing the warden to get a new jumpsuit for our wedding so you could look fresh for your wife. They gave you one so you would stop bugging them. Love is how you hold my hands in yours and trace your fingers around the edges of the decade old scars on my wrists. How when I walk to the vending machine you watch my every move and mouth "I love you" over and over again until I come back to our tiny table. Love is the pride you have in me.

 Love is understanding my weight loss struggle and tearing articles out of magazines and sending them to me on curbing your hunger, or how to not eat past a certain time.  Love is watching your face as you blow me a kiss from behind those bars as I walk out of the visiting room, knowing good and well there is a line of men standing right behind you probably judging your every move.

Love is knowing I am scared of everything on this journey and comforting me even though you are the one who probably needs way more comfort. Love is the tears that fall as I write this post knowing I can't say good morning to my husband as he rises. Love is the intricate web of your handwriting on paper, the words that make or break my day. Love is knowing that the intensity between us matches nothing I have ever experienced, but knowing that you cannot be my all or I will not survive. Love is fake eyelashes and curled hair. Straightening wrinkled clothes from car rides to look pretty for you.

Love is your inability to give up on me when I seem crazy and my inability to give up on you period. Your incarceration has and has not defined our love. Our love was strengthened within the bounds of your incarceration, but love was looking at you walking towards me for the first time ever that November day and knowing I was seeing love coming toward me.

Choices or None At All

And...it's a new water pump for my car. 240 dollars the mechanic says. I want to scream. I called Isaac's dad and he said he thinks he can replace it, but I'm a little worried. I don't have $240 so do I even have a choice? 

Another wrench thrown in, oh and I realized after going to the store 3 times I forgot to buy toilet paper.

Early Morning Thoughts

Well life is throwing some curve balls at me outside of Isaac's incarceration. I have suddenly become plaqued by severe joint pain in my arms and underwent a battery of tests. I am waiting on the results. The steroids I was put on are raising my blood sugar horribly and the pain is pretty bad. We got a big snow storm yesterday and all of that is deciding whether to melt or stay. It looks like stay as of this morning with a temp of 7 degrees. My car's coolant level keeps falling low, even though there are no signs of a leak. Just the usual random occurrences that make up my life.

I had joined a gym and was going regularly, but now with my arms, and with the coolant issue I am afraid going will be too much. I do have a stationary bike at home, my best bet for any cardio exercise. Myself and a woman from Instragram were doing a cleanse together, but apparently with joint pain you must refrain from citrus, which was the main ingredient in the cleanse.

I know I sound like all I am doing is stating the negative, and maybe I am. I am grateful for many things though. I am grateful for waking up warm in such cold temps. I am thankful for my body overall being able to function and it should at my age! I'm in my early 30's for goodness sakes. I'm thankful that I was able to get up and do a couple of chores around the apartment, unlike yesterday where I was in bed the whole day in pain.

Most importantly I am grateful to feel loved. I wrote Isaac a jpay about the fact that I wasn't feeling well and he wrote back that he is thinking of me and praying that the problem could be solved. He has seen me through a lot of health issues. I got a beautiful card from Isaac the other day apologizing for some of the past mistakes he had made and it finally did sink in that he thinks about those mistakes often and does not take them lightly. I can't hold him to them for the rest of our relationship. I'll post the outside if the card, the words were meaningful. 

I miss him more than I can explain as usual, and all I want is to have him here, but I am stronger than pity for myself, so I will go about my way today: call the doctor, the mechanic, write Isaac if my arms will allow, and continue to think about the future. 

Legal Matters

My husband and I have increasingly been thinking about the future and his "rehabilitation" in prison. He has been on the wait list for some courses for almost 2 years, and it is getting to the point of being ridiculous. He has done so many correspondence courses, he has bugged prison staff about programs and has gotten nothing in return. We realize that action has to be taken. We want to try for a sentence modification so we can get him into some real rehabilitative settings.

Isaac had an issue with substances and has always wanted to go to rehab. He has never been to, never even had therapy, individual or group, and I think he could really benefit from it. Prison is not the streets, there are whole new pressures that exist out here and I secretly have fears that he might use again.

I spent part of the afternoon calling various rehabs in the area and discussing the situation with them. Most of them were very helpful and I feel optimistic about the future. I think that's what I need to feel like I am taking action, that we are trying to see that Isaac get's the best rehabilitation for his issues that we can find.

Both of us are so eager to start our lives together, but what we don't want is to get that confused with Isaac's desire to better himself in a different environment. We are not trying to use a "get out of jail free card." We are trying to design our lives in a way for optimum success. I met with his lawyer last week and he seemed slightly doubtful. He does not know the new Isaac, only the old Isaac. The man who cared little for other's feelings, and everything was about who or what he could use to his advantage. He is not that man anymore and he has not been that man for a very long time, but I understand his lawyer's hesitancy because that was the last image he had of Isaac. Now it is going to take some convincing to show a lawyer, a judge, a court that he has changed. I believe in him.

Doing Time On The Outside

This is a piece I wrote that was recently published with other local women's stories. They were all performed by a cast of ladies who did a great job. I cried like a baby! 

Doing Time on The Outside

 

As the metal gate slammed shut behind me definitively, I knew I had made my decision, I knew I could not turn back, that the natural procession of choices and consequences and life and love had all convened and that here I was in a maximum security prison walking toward an unknown fate. My mind wandered back to Isaac. Back to the man who started it all.

I met Isaac in the winter of 2009. I was immediately drawn to his caring soul, shy demeanor, and crooked mischievous grin. A story board, a kind of map wove up and down his body in the form of black and grey tattoos. I loved watching him push his sleeves up, skulls and clowns leering, the crying faces of women peeking out.  He awakened something deep within me that I had buried long ago. I fell in love with a heart, not a lifestyle, not an image, not a story. I fell in love with a broken man with an amazing heart, and a derelict attitude. I loved him like none other, and I grieved him like none other. Suddenly I snappedback to reality while waiting for the second set of bars to slide open in front of me.

I paused, took a breath, and raised my head. I would not enter this environment feeling ashamed, stupid, or belittled. My eyes searched until they found their home…in the face of my groom to be. Yes I was here in this prison, in this maze of cells, tombs, and sterile hallways, a place of yelling, and dull yellow jumpsuits, K9 units, and guards with rings of keys that clanked and echoed. Suspicious looks and stares of disgust lingered, but all I could see was you, Isaac. Your eyes, your face, our future, and suddenly a peace washed over me. My mind began to wander again to a little girl prancing around wearing a white bed sheet, all tucked into place to resemble a wedding gown. Paper flowers in her hair. As a teenager that same girl fantasized about beautiful venues, bright bouquets of flowers, family members lining the aisles. Today was my wedding day, today was my slightly altered fairy tale, and I told myself that I wasn’t letting that little girl’s dream die when I walked inside those gates, I was letting it live. In less than an hour I would be classified as a prison wife…and I was ok with that.  

​I took my first step towards my fiancé amongst the watchful eyes of inmates, visitors, guards and prison staff. I walked into the walls of this prison a 30 year old woman with a relatively normal life, yet a string of judgment always trailing her. I walked into that prison a woman madly in love with a man, a man who is incarcerated. I felt giddy, butterflies floating in my stomach just like any bride on her big day.  I would be lucky though, I would be walking out of this prison a free woman. I would leave in a state of great joy and in great sadness, and I would walk out with a new label in my life because I simply loved a man, a man who lost his way and found it in crime. Yes on Valentines day 2012 I became the wife of an inmate. I married my husband behind three layers of steel, bulletproof glass, and bars, inside the walls of a fortress. But I had to recognize that one of the happiest moments of my life was also one of piercing loss. I walked out of those gates past the disdainful faces of many with a smile on my face and void in my heart. I had to leave my new husband behind and he would proceed to go back to his 8ft by 10 ft cell with a hole in his heart as well. That night we would both lay down in separate beds crying ourselves to sleep, but feeling so grateful to have found a love that even prison could not break. My fairy tale of marriage, sprinkled with the notions of society and a woman’s want for the lavish of ceremony and celebration had become a prison wedding, and I was also ok with that. The ceremony was beautiful in my eyes, the grim green walls melting away to a place of safety and love. All I saw at moments were the eyes of my husband welling with tears. His eyes held me, almost in a state of protection from the despair that lurked all around us.  

We were married in a tiny glass room located within the visiting room. With inmates and their loved ones watching we said our vows, exchanged rings, and our first kiss as husband and wife. I was nervous throughout the entire ceremony, not because of getting married, but of breaking a prison rule. How sad I thought…Could I take his hand? How many inches must I stand away from him? How many seconds is too long to kiss?

There was an adjoining glass room to ours, reserved for inmates to meet with their lawyers. A single inmate sat inside waiting for his attorney. I didn’t notice him at first until his movements kept distracting my peripheral vision. I glanced behind my groom at this man. He sat one ear cocked towards the ceremony wiping the smallest of tear drops from his eyes. He stared straight ahead. In a place of hardness, of darkness of constant noise and chaos, I realized my wedding WAS important. It WAS a type of fairy tale.  Isaac and I had brought a piece of humanity to a place that lacked a soul.

Isaac and I had no reception, no honey moon, no mind blowing wedding night sex. No driving away in a car tied with soup cans as our family and friends waved us on with good wishes. Isaac’s skin did not feel the starch of a suit and tie and I did not wear white. I had a simple bunch of gerbera daisies glued together by my sister so they could pass through security.

When most think wedding they think catering, venue, dress, music, flowers, loved ones. Prison weddings are different. You think about whether your underwire bra will set off the metal detector? Is your dress precisely 2 inches below your knee? Will your simple bunch of flowers be seen as something that could be construed as contraband or a weapon? Will they cut the ceremony short because of an unforeseen lockdown?

But in the end, this wedding, this experience, this slipping from one category into another was indeed about celebration, about the beauty of peace amongst pain, about a strength of love that waits, that “does time on the outside.” While inmates serve sentences longer than their life spans, Isaac lives among them in his tiny cell waiting for 4 years to expire. Waiting for that long over due honey moon, that uninhibited kiss with his wife. I sit staring out windows lost in thought about a husband that I cannot touch. But this marriage, this wedding was perfect in our eyes. It was our new beginning. Due to its setting, it meant something different. What really happened was this: Isaac and I shared an experience of redemption. And when people ask me the details of my wedding, I speak up with pride as a woman and a wife, a prison wife whose lavish affair was marrying the warm soul of a man in the depths of a winter. I could not ask for more. Neither could that little girl with flowers in her hair.

Visitation and Exhaustion...And Some Love Sprinkled In

Soooo I drove the 6 hour round trip with Isaac's family yesterday to visit him. It was great to see him, but I am EXHAUSTED, like seriously exhausted. My back is killing me from being bent over all day in the car seat and for the first time I am considering telling Isaac I can only visit once a month. The trip every two weeks is expensive and it takes days for my body to recover I swear.That breaks my heart though.

Isaac was in good spirits, but tired from lack of sleep. Poor guy. He was fighting to keep his eyes open at times. He had a nice visit with his family and then him and I joked around and ate some food. I told him how something inside of me just tripled the love I have for him if that is even possible and that I knew we would be ok. I know he is the man for me, I have always known. I love him more than life itself. The world kind of begins and ends with that man, which scares me because the "what ifs" start and I wonder about how I could cope without him, but I am a strong woman, I would, it would just hurt like hell. Ok so why am I going in this direction? Just be happy I have to tell myself. Just be happy! Revel in your happiness and your love and the exquisite feeling of being loved and giving love. No time can be wasted. Drink up every drop EVEN while they are in prison, because love does not stop just because prison separates us. Love seeps in and out of those bars, weaves it's way through those sterile hallways and reaches it's destination!

Fears...and Moving?

Isaac about gave me a heart attack this past week. I did not hear from him for 5 days. No phone calls, no JPay emails, no letters. I was so worried. I called the prison on the 5th day and they said they were not on lock down. I called again asking if he had been moved, and the woman told me she could not give me any information and hung up on me. I was supposed to visit the next day, but I didn't feel comfortable driving the 6 hour roundtrip without even knowing if I could see him, so I cancelled the visit and I know it dissapointed his family who was supposed to come, but it could have been a waste of money. Well I am laying awake in bed and who calls at 11:45pm, but Isaac. I was so happy to hear his voice. They had in fact been on lock down since this past Thursday and had gotten off the day I called the prison.

We talked and joke and of course I cried because I had been scared, very scared that something could have happened. I know if something really bad had happened they would call me, but what if he got in trouble and had been thrown in the hole? Or in a minor fight? I had always prided myself on learning patience throughout this journey, but I don't know, I just had a bad feeling about this all! Well turns out he is ok and I am thankful for that. When we were joking around I got such a longing to have him right here with me, we would talk for hours and be silly and just mess around. It sounds like heaven on earth at the moment. It makes the waiting that much more difficult.

So on a random note, I have been tossing around the idea of moving in with my mother. This would only technically be for 3 months to save money to move to a different city. The town I live in now is too small and judgmental and is also too close to where Isaac grew up and got all his charges at. He knows too many people there that are not good for him. First let me say that I have lived in the same apartment going on 5 years and I feel attached to it. Also for the exception of a couple of months when I moved back home from NYC, I have not lived with my mother for close to 15 years. I left after high school for college and never came back until 5 years ago. Anyway, I see my feelings of independence as an adult going out the window, I see my mom and I fighting, I will miss my privacy, etc... but I think what it comes down to is sacrifice. If I want to relocate, I can't do it outright because I have no savings. I will have to stay with  my mom while I save up and I think I can live with that. I love my mom, she is a great person, we just sometimes want to rip each other's heads off! It is also just a little fear of the unknown. I mean Isaac and I will have to discuss where the best place to move to is. He is all for the move. He said he suggested it ages ago, which I must agree he did, but I was feeling different about it then. Now I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize because we are thinking of trying for a sentence modification at some point soon. Well I'm just going to think, think, think. I don't want to be one of those people who never takes action though, who let's fear drive them. I want to make moves.

Anniversary Visit

My husband and I had our 1 year anniversary visit on Valentine's Day. It was almost surreal because there was a couple getting married while I was there and it made me all nostalgic. We had stood in their places behind that glass in the visiting room 1 year ago. The groom had 2 guests that were other inmates and they were so excited for the ceremony. It made me think about how there probably is not a lot to get excited about in there. I don't know the pure joy on their faces just struck me, and these guys were just the groomsmen.

Anyway, Isaac and I had a wonderful visit. He drank 3 pops and ate a bag of jalepeno cheddar cheetos. I had a sensible diet coke, then sadly gorged myself on Mcdonalds after I left. We just talked, held hands, were smart asses to each other. He looked so cute. He had just gotten his hair cut. It really is the little things with prison relationships. A certain glance, the fresh smell of his deodorant when we embrace. He loves to sneak in touches of my hair. Right when we are done taking a picture his arm lingers around my waist and he pinches my back. I love to grasp the back of his head when we have our hello and goodbye kisses.  I guess I am just trying to get across the point that little things can mean so much when you get a one hour visit every two weeks. I am so jealous I must admit of those who can go every week and for hours! I wish all the prisons in this country were streamlined and they all had conjugal visits!!!

After that wonderful visit, I picked up my gate release full of Valentine's Day cards and pictures. I looked through them in my car and looked up to see a fellow visitor doing the same in her car. What a strange love life this must seem to outsiders I thought to myself. I left that day with my heart full of love and my mind full of longing and determination to have my husband home. I feel such a sense of desperation. It came upon me all of a sudden. Before I thought I had accepted my husband's sentence, but now I realize perhaps I have not. At night I cry for him and my chest aches feeling the need for him to be with me now. All I can do is pray. That is all I can do and hope the legal system will work in our favor. It eats me alive at night. Here I am at 4am and feel so lost. But I will stand strong for my husband. I will. 

Antics at 1:00AM

It's 1:00am in the morning. My mind is racing and I have too much energy to sleep. Of course Isaac is on my mind. It is nearing Valentine's Day and our 1 year wedding anniversary. For some reason that is making me twice as retrospective about our life together. I'm also busy reblogging sappy love quotes on Tumblr, so that isn't helping either. It is strange to simultaneously feel so connected, so passionate about a person and to feel so disconnected from them at the same time. I feel as though I know my husband inside and out in so many ways, but at times I feel I am staring into the face of a stranger. Prison has done this. It is frozen the steps of our life, maybe even some of our relationship. It's like we know so much about each other in many categories, but he doesn't know how I like my eggs, I don't know if he likes Pepsi over Coke, little things like that that having a fully functioning relationship would allow you to know. We have never lived together as a couple. Yes Isaac has slept in my bed, yes we have eaten meals together and cuddled on the couch, but it was all such a fresh thing, we were not the "veterans" we are now. Can you be both veteran and novice?

I'm going to get really personal here, but we still were figuring out how we fit together in love making. Sex was still being figured out, we had no routine, we were still slightly shy, as I am sure we will be when Isaac returns home. I do believe we have a deeper sense of intimacy that will make that transition smoother now, but I feel like I will have to re-learn or just plain learn our relationship in so many ways. I have fears yes. Like what if we cannot get along in close quarters after the honeymoon phase wears off? Isaac will be on house arrest for the first year he is home. What if we have many disagreements over stupid stuff? I know we do now that is for sure, but then I think to myself if he had been standing in front of me and we had unlimited time to discuss that maybe it would not have blown up like it did. All what ifs, the what ifs that get me at 1:30 in the morning while my brain is zinging and my heart is bursting and the tears come easily, the good tears and the bad tears. I thought about our wedding almost one year ago exactly and I cry happy tears every time. It was beautiful. One of the best days of my life. I think about how can we make our second year better? How can we avoid the downfalls of the prison marriage, the horrible statistics for prison relationships? I don't have the answer. I just write. I just unload my mind, empty my heart. Maybe one day I will be closer to the answers. Lord have mercy I need my husband home.

Some Updates

Isaac got a job! Yay! Finally he has one, he has been trying for a job, or a program, ANYTHING for months now and he let me know he got a job running the ranges. He basically brings supplies, hands out things, etc...to the guys in their cells on certain ranges. It gets him out of his cell for the majority of the day and gives him less time to think so much and stew. I think it is great! After day one he said he was so sore and was like "this is not what I signed up for." I told him how proud I was of him and to keep up the good work and that it will get easier with time.

At the same time Isaac got his job I started working out at a gym. I have not worked out in many months, and this was my first time getting a fitness assessment and have a work out plan set up for me. This gym is huge!!! I am used to riding my little old exercise bike in my living room. I have to say I am a bit intimidated, but I have gone 3 days now ( I am starting with 2-3 days a week) and I have to say I feel good. At first all I felt was incredibly sore, but after tonight's workout I felt the endorphins kick in, my mood was better, and I was suddenly out of the funk I had been in all day. I am really glad I went. This place is amazing and has everything, but I am determined to start slow so I don't fizzle out. The only down side is I have to drive 25 mins to get there and gas money is tight. Also if the weather is bad, you might as well forget it around here. You are stuck where you are at, but Spring will be here soon and I will be able to go more often.

I am pretty much broke as a joke right now, so there is no money on the phone. I hate not being able to hear his voice on a regular basis, but I got the sweetest videogram from him this morning. It made me feel so much better. Just seeing his face makes me love him more. I really want to attempt another video visit, but our first two were such disasters that I'm afraid to even waste the $10. I so so so so hope I can pull the money together though to visit him Friday for Valentine's Day. It is our one year wedding anniversary and all those great memories of marrying Isaac keep coming flooding back. All those months I tried to get everything straight for the wedding. His nervous face. The tears that flooded both our eyes. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I need to keep busy tomorrow. Laundry, dishes, paying some bills, writing to my love of course. I don't work tomorrow so I need to remind myself laying in bed for half the day is not an option. I have managed to send Isaac 10 Valentine's Day/Anniversary cards, two Flikshops, a videogram, some jpay emails, a ton of pictures, and a letter almost every day, so I hope he feels the mail love! He has sent me several cards and letters so I am definitely feeling it too. I love Isaac so dearly, we are just under the halfway point and are hoping with all our hearts, that we can find a way to bring him home early. We all need him. I need him.

Rant...

Right now I am dealing with bureaucracy and having an incarcerated loved one. No not in terms of the prison system, but in terms of myself and the agencies of the outside free world. Apparently there is not just discrimination against the incarcerated, but their spouses, children, families, etc...Yes we all know this, but this infuriates me that two are punished for one's mistakes, and that the character of those of us out here is also judged by those mistakes. Laws are put into place, "policies" enacted so that we too may suffer although we have our freedom. My husband is not a bad man. I am not a bad woman. Someone please locate and place on display the "perfect" people, void of mistakes or bad choices and worthy of so many more things than myself or my husband because they have nothing to do with the prison system and have never fallen from grace. 

Early Morning Calls and Such

My husband is like my alarm clock. Half the time I think his ringtone is my alarm clock. He calls very early in the morning which is when he has rec. It is about 6:30-7am. It is amazing how quickly I can go from solidly asleep to wide awake in seconds. His calls usually set the tone for our days and we had a great one this morning. We talked about how our days were yesterday and he pledged to get more sleep and I am going to exercise. We are excited because our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up on Valentine's Day. I have been trying really hard to get cards out to him, a few Flikshops and some letters so he feels very special on our day. I also hope to make the 3 hour trek there on V-day if this ridiculous winter weather allows.

We are trying really hard to listen to each other and to respond according to the other's needs. Isaac has an interview coming up for a detail job and he is really excited. I hope he get's it! He was really disappointment when he didn't get into the spiritual based life skills program that he interviewed for like 5 months ago. I think he could have really benefited from that program.

I still feel guilty though. I get to get back into my warm comfortable bed if I want to and go back to sleep for a little while longer, and then get up and shower when I desire and for however long I desire. I know it is natural to feel for your partner, but then I must remember he is busy paying his "debt to society." I can have compassion for him, but I can't feel bad for living, for carrying out my life. That is a hard distinction to make and I feel bad all the time, but I know deep down I shouldn't. He has ordering for commissary soon and I am as usual strapped for cash and I always feel horrible when I can't give him what I FEEL is an acceptable amount, but he always assures me whatever is fine, even if it is nothing, but I am always left feeling like a failure. I am for the most part his only financial support, really his only support in general and I want to make things as comfortable for him as possible while he is serving his time. I think what it comes down to is not that I think he needs to live like a king while in, but that prison can kill your spirit, especially if you feel a lack of support and I need him and his spirit when he gets out so we can begin a whole new chapter in our lives.

Well I went off on a tangent there. Anyway about to start my day. I am going to attempt to get my car out of the shop, exercise and do some cleaning. Hopefully I will be back on later today!

Missing In Action

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted on here. I apologize to anyone who was reading my blog on a regular basis. Come back! I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I guess that is what life becomes sometimes: life. It takes us away from some of the things we love to do so that we can get other much needed things done.

My world is much the same yet also very different in many ways. On the 14th of this month, Isaac and I will have been married one year. That is exciting, but it really has been a tough year. We have such a great love for each other, which is never questioned, but at times we have a hard time seeing eye to eye. We have argued more times than I can count over petty issues I think because we are both so stubborn. I still struggle with health issues both depression/anxiety and diabetes and so Isaac has had to see me through a 10 day hospital stay and numerous procedures that were all diabetes related. He sits in that cell STILL about 22 hours a day on lockdown and thinks and worries and that eats me up. I hate that I make him so anxious. When I get into my depression lows, he has a hard time understanding why. I mean I am out here? I have my freedom! Often he can't recognize the triggers for it and often there are none. I have a chemical depression and sometimes things such as the winter months trigger it.

It's probably in my times of depression and hopelessness I miss him the most. I want our life to be moving along, but it feels like it has been at a standstill for 3 years. I think to myself "can I do this possibly for another 3?" Don't get me wrong I'm not throwing in the towel, but it is a daunting thought.

I have met some really great prison wives through social media and even a couple in person. It is their strength and their hope that helps keep my spirits up. Isaac doesn't always understand why I am so connected to social media, but often it is my outlet for issues related to his incarceration. My friends, although mostly supportive, do not understand all the challenges that come with this life. I don't feel quite so alone when I can connect with others in similar situations. I think slowly but surely he is starting to understand.

I have had a hard time keeping up with writing Isaac. We have Jpay emails, so I do those quite a bit, but my actual letter writing has dwindled to almost nothing and I feel bad about that. I know receiving mail means the world to him and all those guys. I read online somewhere that mail call is the highlight of all their days, they feel like stars by the amount of mail they get handed. But it is more than that. It is that I cannot take the time out of my day to write my husband a short letter? Part of it is writer's block and part;y I just feel like I have nothing exciting to tell him anymore. I need to get over that.

I also have been struggling with a MAJOR case of baby fever. I want to hurry up and start our family so badly. I think it is my age that gets to me. Each year a birthday passes I get more anxious. I am not a spring chicken. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but with my health issues, I fear that pregnancy issues could arise. I need to think differently. Instead of focusing on how we cannot start a family now, I should focus on getting my body baby ready, because lord knows it is not there.

Well these are just a couple of my early morning ramblings. I'm rather scattered because I have been up since 4:30am and I have a lot to get done today. I will definitely be back on here more frequently. I need to get my thoughts out. I need to write. I need to know I am not alone in this journey.