This Matter of Waiting

Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait. I wait for letters, I wait in the waiting room for visitation, I wait for him to call, etc...I feel like waiting is my professional job. Don't get me wrong I have become efficient at waiting, but sometimes it just gets to me. I feel this listless feeling, I feel all pent up at the same time, the only way the tension dissipates is by hearing his voice or reading his words. I know my sun rises and sets with Isaac, and this scares me at times. I worry about what exactly am I waiting for. Is the man that comes out after possibly 6 straight years of incarceration going to be the person I met. We are married for goodness sakes, and although many saw that as a foolish move, getting married in prison, it only strengthened our bond. What I am saying though is this is no light matter. I am waiting for my HUSBAND.This and any type of waiting has substance to it, a weight to it that can either break or mend.

We have a lot at stake with our relationship, with the endless days that go by that I sit her wishing he was here with me and him wishing the same. We have planned an altered future together and we want to see it come to pass. Sometimes at night I lay in bed choking back sobs because the loss of him is so great. The sound of his voice is really like a form of salvation and that scares me. It scares me that I love him so much and that I have put so much on hold for him. I think about the give and take and I am obviously not blaming him for not being able to buy me flowers or take me on a date, but just the thought of such acts baffle me. Will our life ever be normal? He will have the word "felon" practically stamped on his forehead for his life and it will not just be him it effects. It will effect me and our future children. I hate the way society boasts about second chances in life and then never gives them. He will always be that horrible 7 digit number to them and I will always be the fool that married him. I do not care. I love my man and I will stick by him through thick and thin. That is not a question. I guess I am just venting about the idea of waiting, waiting, waiting, always waiting for something to happen, for something period, so I think it is important that I make some good moves in my life.

I have started to exercise daily after joining a gym and I plan on moving to find a good place for Isaac and I to live when he comes home. Moving is not small deal to me. I have lived in my current place almost 5 years. I can't even remember what it is like to move. The search will be stressful, but I will be ok. I think to counteract that waiting, you have to keep moving, keep going, keep hope and planning, and dreams alive.