Anniversary Visit

My husband and I had our 1 year anniversary visit on Valentine's Day. It was almost surreal because there was a couple getting married while I was there and it made me all nostalgic. We had stood in their places behind that glass in the visiting room 1 year ago. The groom had 2 guests that were other inmates and they were so excited for the ceremony. It made me think about how there probably is not a lot to get excited about in there. I don't know the pure joy on their faces just struck me, and these guys were just the groomsmen.

Anyway, Isaac and I had a wonderful visit. He drank 3 pops and ate a bag of jalepeno cheddar cheetos. I had a sensible diet coke, then sadly gorged myself on Mcdonalds after I left. We just talked, held hands, were smart asses to each other. He looked so cute. He had just gotten his hair cut. It really is the little things with prison relationships. A certain glance, the fresh smell of his deodorant when we embrace. He loves to sneak in touches of my hair. Right when we are done taking a picture his arm lingers around my waist and he pinches my back. I love to grasp the back of his head when we have our hello and goodbye kisses.  I guess I am just trying to get across the point that little things can mean so much when you get a one hour visit every two weeks. I am so jealous I must admit of those who can go every week and for hours! I wish all the prisons in this country were streamlined and they all had conjugal visits!!!

After that wonderful visit, I picked up my gate release full of Valentine's Day cards and pictures. I looked through them in my car and looked up to see a fellow visitor doing the same in her car. What a strange love life this must seem to outsiders I thought to myself. I left that day with my heart full of love and my mind full of longing and determination to have my husband home. I feel such a sense of desperation. It came upon me all of a sudden. Before I thought I had accepted my husband's sentence, but now I realize perhaps I have not. At night I cry for him and my chest aches feeling the need for him to be with me now. All I can do is pray. That is all I can do and hope the legal system will work in our favor. It eats me alive at night. Here I am at 4am and feel so lost. But I will stand strong for my husband. I will. 

Antics at 1:00AM

It's 1:00am in the morning. My mind is racing and I have too much energy to sleep. Of course Isaac is on my mind. It is nearing Valentine's Day and our 1 year wedding anniversary. For some reason that is making me twice as retrospective about our life together. I'm also busy reblogging sappy love quotes on Tumblr, so that isn't helping either. It is strange to simultaneously feel so connected, so passionate about a person and to feel so disconnected from them at the same time. I feel as though I know my husband inside and out in so many ways, but at times I feel I am staring into the face of a stranger. Prison has done this. It is frozen the steps of our life, maybe even some of our relationship. It's like we know so much about each other in many categories, but he doesn't know how I like my eggs, I don't know if he likes Pepsi over Coke, little things like that that having a fully functioning relationship would allow you to know. We have never lived together as a couple. Yes Isaac has slept in my bed, yes we have eaten meals together and cuddled on the couch, but it was all such a fresh thing, we were not the "veterans" we are now. Can you be both veteran and novice?

I'm going to get really personal here, but we still were figuring out how we fit together in love making. Sex was still being figured out, we had no routine, we were still slightly shy, as I am sure we will be when Isaac returns home. I do believe we have a deeper sense of intimacy that will make that transition smoother now, but I feel like I will have to re-learn or just plain learn our relationship in so many ways. I have fears yes. Like what if we cannot get along in close quarters after the honeymoon phase wears off? Isaac will be on house arrest for the first year he is home. What if we have many disagreements over stupid stuff? I know we do now that is for sure, but then I think to myself if he had been standing in front of me and we had unlimited time to discuss that maybe it would not have blown up like it did. All what ifs, the what ifs that get me at 1:30 in the morning while my brain is zinging and my heart is bursting and the tears come easily, the good tears and the bad tears. I thought about our wedding almost one year ago exactly and I cry happy tears every time. It was beautiful. One of the best days of my life. I think about how can we make our second year better? How can we avoid the downfalls of the prison marriage, the horrible statistics for prison relationships? I don't have the answer. I just write. I just unload my mind, empty my heart. Maybe one day I will be closer to the answers. Lord have mercy I need my husband home.

Some Updates

Isaac got a job! Yay! Finally he has one, he has been trying for a job, or a program, ANYTHING for months now and he let me know he got a job running the ranges. He basically brings supplies, hands out things, etc...to the guys in their cells on certain ranges. It gets him out of his cell for the majority of the day and gives him less time to think so much and stew. I think it is great! After day one he said he was so sore and was like "this is not what I signed up for." I told him how proud I was of him and to keep up the good work and that it will get easier with time.

At the same time Isaac got his job I started working out at a gym. I have not worked out in many months, and this was my first time getting a fitness assessment and have a work out plan set up for me. This gym is huge!!! I am used to riding my little old exercise bike in my living room. I have to say I am a bit intimidated, but I have gone 3 days now ( I am starting with 2-3 days a week) and I have to say I feel good. At first all I felt was incredibly sore, but after tonight's workout I felt the endorphins kick in, my mood was better, and I was suddenly out of the funk I had been in all day. I am really glad I went. This place is amazing and has everything, but I am determined to start slow so I don't fizzle out. The only down side is I have to drive 25 mins to get there and gas money is tight. Also if the weather is bad, you might as well forget it around here. You are stuck where you are at, but Spring will be here soon and I will be able to go more often.

I am pretty much broke as a joke right now, so there is no money on the phone. I hate not being able to hear his voice on a regular basis, but I got the sweetest videogram from him this morning. It made me feel so much better. Just seeing his face makes me love him more. I really want to attempt another video visit, but our first two were such disasters that I'm afraid to even waste the $10. I so so so so hope I can pull the money together though to visit him Friday for Valentine's Day. It is our one year wedding anniversary and all those great memories of marrying Isaac keep coming flooding back. All those months I tried to get everything straight for the wedding. His nervous face. The tears that flooded both our eyes. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I need to keep busy tomorrow. Laundry, dishes, paying some bills, writing to my love of course. I don't work tomorrow so I need to remind myself laying in bed for half the day is not an option. I have managed to send Isaac 10 Valentine's Day/Anniversary cards, two Flikshops, a videogram, some jpay emails, a ton of pictures, and a letter almost every day, so I hope he feels the mail love! He has sent me several cards and letters so I am definitely feeling it too. I love Isaac so dearly, we are just under the halfway point and are hoping with all our hearts, that we can find a way to bring him home early. We all need him. I need him.

Rant...

Right now I am dealing with bureaucracy and having an incarcerated loved one. No not in terms of the prison system, but in terms of myself and the agencies of the outside free world. Apparently there is not just discrimination against the incarcerated, but their spouses, children, families, etc...Yes we all know this, but this infuriates me that two are punished for one's mistakes, and that the character of those of us out here is also judged by those mistakes. Laws are put into place, "policies" enacted so that we too may suffer although we have our freedom. My husband is not a bad man. I am not a bad woman. Someone please locate and place on display the "perfect" people, void of mistakes or bad choices and worthy of so many more things than myself or my husband because they have nothing to do with the prison system and have never fallen from grace. 

Early Morning Calls and Such

My husband is like my alarm clock. Half the time I think his ringtone is my alarm clock. He calls very early in the morning which is when he has rec. It is about 6:30-7am. It is amazing how quickly I can go from solidly asleep to wide awake in seconds. His calls usually set the tone for our days and we had a great one this morning. We talked about how our days were yesterday and he pledged to get more sleep and I am going to exercise. We are excited because our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up on Valentine's Day. I have been trying really hard to get cards out to him, a few Flikshops and some letters so he feels very special on our day. I also hope to make the 3 hour trek there on V-day if this ridiculous winter weather allows.

We are trying really hard to listen to each other and to respond according to the other's needs. Isaac has an interview coming up for a detail job and he is really excited. I hope he get's it! He was really disappointment when he didn't get into the spiritual based life skills program that he interviewed for like 5 months ago. I think he could have really benefited from that program.

I still feel guilty though. I get to get back into my warm comfortable bed if I want to and go back to sleep for a little while longer, and then get up and shower when I desire and for however long I desire. I know it is natural to feel for your partner, but then I must remember he is busy paying his "debt to society." I can have compassion for him, but I can't feel bad for living, for carrying out my life. That is a hard distinction to make and I feel bad all the time, but I know deep down I shouldn't. He has ordering for commissary soon and I am as usual strapped for cash and I always feel horrible when I can't give him what I FEEL is an acceptable amount, but he always assures me whatever is fine, even if it is nothing, but I am always left feeling like a failure. I am for the most part his only financial support, really his only support in general and I want to make things as comfortable for him as possible while he is serving his time. I think what it comes down to is not that I think he needs to live like a king while in, but that prison can kill your spirit, especially if you feel a lack of support and I need him and his spirit when he gets out so we can begin a whole new chapter in our lives.

Well I went off on a tangent there. Anyway about to start my day. I am going to attempt to get my car out of the shop, exercise and do some cleaning. Hopefully I will be back on later today!

Missing In Action

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted on here. I apologize to anyone who was reading my blog on a regular basis. Come back! I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I guess that is what life becomes sometimes: life. It takes us away from some of the things we love to do so that we can get other much needed things done.

My world is much the same yet also very different in many ways. On the 14th of this month, Isaac and I will have been married one year. That is exciting, but it really has been a tough year. We have such a great love for each other, which is never questioned, but at times we have a hard time seeing eye to eye. We have argued more times than I can count over petty issues I think because we are both so stubborn. I still struggle with health issues both depression/anxiety and diabetes and so Isaac has had to see me through a 10 day hospital stay and numerous procedures that were all diabetes related. He sits in that cell STILL about 22 hours a day on lockdown and thinks and worries and that eats me up. I hate that I make him so anxious. When I get into my depression lows, he has a hard time understanding why. I mean I am out here? I have my freedom! Often he can't recognize the triggers for it and often there are none. I have a chemical depression and sometimes things such as the winter months trigger it.

It's probably in my times of depression and hopelessness I miss him the most. I want our life to be moving along, but it feels like it has been at a standstill for 3 years. I think to myself "can I do this possibly for another 3?" Don't get me wrong I'm not throwing in the towel, but it is a daunting thought.

I have met some really great prison wives through social media and even a couple in person. It is their strength and their hope that helps keep my spirits up. Isaac doesn't always understand why I am so connected to social media, but often it is my outlet for issues related to his incarceration. My friends, although mostly supportive, do not understand all the challenges that come with this life. I don't feel quite so alone when I can connect with others in similar situations. I think slowly but surely he is starting to understand.

I have had a hard time keeping up with writing Isaac. We have Jpay emails, so I do those quite a bit, but my actual letter writing has dwindled to almost nothing and I feel bad about that. I know receiving mail means the world to him and all those guys. I read online somewhere that mail call is the highlight of all their days, they feel like stars by the amount of mail they get handed. But it is more than that. It is that I cannot take the time out of my day to write my husband a short letter? Part of it is writer's block and part;y I just feel like I have nothing exciting to tell him anymore. I need to get over that.

I also have been struggling with a MAJOR case of baby fever. I want to hurry up and start our family so badly. I think it is my age that gets to me. Each year a birthday passes I get more anxious. I am not a spring chicken. I know women are having babies later and later in life, but with my health issues, I fear that pregnancy issues could arise. I need to think differently. Instead of focusing on how we cannot start a family now, I should focus on getting my body baby ready, because lord knows it is not there.

Well these are just a couple of my early morning ramblings. I'm rather scattered because I have been up since 4:30am and I have a lot to get done today. I will definitely be back on here more frequently. I need to get my thoughts out. I need to write. I need to know I am not alone in this journey.