Rediculous

He is acting like a big baby and I am at my wits end. We are not seeing eye to eye and I sometimes wonder why am I out here waiting when he does not seem to care about anything anymore. Yes I know he is frustrated and yes as he tells me all the time, I do not know how it is for him in there, but I do believe we have to accept and work with our situations whether they are fair or not. Reality is reality and ultimately we have to live in it. His classification meeting did not go as planned, and they are not changing his level nor seriously looking into transferring him, so yes Isaac is very stressed and dissapointed, but does that mean you have to lash out on the one who loves you the most?  I'm beyond knowing how to handle this.

The Things I Long For

Sometimes the things I long for are small. Mundane thoughts that turn into big wishes. I think of strolling hand in hand down the sidewalks of the local park, the leaves burnt orange fluttering at our feet. I long for hugs and hands to brush my hair aside when it falls in front of my eyes. I am wistful of simple breakfasts, stealing glances across the table at each other, joking around, silly bouts of wrestling,  a chest to cry against when the pain becomes unbearable.

I do not have these things. I have not had them for two years. I will not have them for years to come. These small nuances, the things of  "everyday life" in a relationship are a void in my life. They do not exist, and I long for them, I cry for them, I  feel anger at their absence. I know that Isaac is trying his hardest to be released as soon as is humanly possible. I know he devours any program, certificate, class, etc...available to him. He loves to learn, but he wants his chance to prove he remembers what he has learned out in the free world. He is bettering himself not just for me for or for his eventual homecoming, but because he wants to and because he has the desire to grow as a person. For that I am so proud of him, but it doesn't mean that I am not still frustrated that our relationship lacks some very fundamental ideals. I know Isaac longs for all the same things that I do, and I imagine it is even more of a stark loneliness for him. He is in a dark place, a place that breeds loneliness and fear, where it is obvious the simple human pleasures of love are not allowed. We are reminded of this with every visitation, but we continue to make do with what we do have.

I long for the tangible also. I wait for the cracking noise of my back when he wraps me in the tightest hug, the feel of his lips when we lean in for our beginning kiss. I gently press my hand against the curve of his neck. I feel the softness of his hair at the nape of his neck. I long for the feel of his skin as I hold is hand, rubbing my finger back and forth on the space between his forefinger and thumb. My gaze always is drawn to where my name is spelled out on his right hand, reminding me of as he says that "he loves me with his skin." Sometimes the things I long for are met in things such as sharing a meal of Hot Pockets and Cheetos, of drinking from the same soda can, watching him scrape the crumbs into the crumpled napkins.

My life is not ideal, nor is our relationship. Sometimes that longing and those desires burn deep in my soul, the need to have my husband overwhelms me at times. I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes I cannot always see the silver lining or look smiling towards the future. I am a human being and so is Isaac. We feel the weight of decisions and of consequences within our lives.  I long for having my husband by my side, for our lives to intertwine at the same point, for our future children to be conceived and born, for our memories to be made free of prison, but most of all I do NOT have to long for love, because even in the absence and yes in the longing itself is a love that is ultimately satisfying.