Hard Days and Nights

I had a really hard day and night yesterday. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried myself to sleep. The enormity of the task of trying for the sentence modification and how Isaac will function out in the free world got to me. I worry he is institutionalized. He has spent more of his adult life in prison then out of it. After having a conversation with someone who works in prison advocacy, I got some potentially devastating news about one of his charges. Upon taking his plea agreement 3 years ago, he was not well informed. It makes me so angry that he was misinformed or uninformed or not informed of anything period.

Anyway I cried and cried, I ate bad food, I didn't exercise. I slept. I used every bad coping skill in my arsenal and felt devastated. I honestly wondered if this could be the demise of our relationship? If Isaac's "everything will be fine" attitude had me feeling so secure, that I missed the danger up ahead signs. I wrote an impassioned email to him full of anger and desperation, but then I stopped myself from sending it, because I know that gets us nowhere and it upsets him and makes him feel powerless. Well damn it I feel powerless too though! I didn't send it, I want to take some time to think about all this information, but it is eating me up inside. I am vague about Isaac's charges on purpose. It is pretty much prison wife etiquette not to discuss your husband's charges. I also wanted people to understand that Isaac could be any one of your men, sons, husbands. The charge doesn't matter, the experience, the journey does. I always write and speak of redemption for mistakes. I believe in the idea that one can make right what was wrong. It just seems like our judicial system doesn't want to believe in redemption. We have a society that screams about second chances and a system that wants to lock people up and throw away the key.

So here I am the next day. I feel rather broken and I have no one physically in front of me who will listen and can fully understand this situation. So I come to all of you, who know this feeling well. I know I am not alone. We are everywhere and this digital connection I have with all of you keeps me going. People make jokes that I am online too much and on every social media site. I don't think it is funny that people come to me for help when they feel alone, or I can spread information to so many. That's empowerment.

I have a lot to do today. A very busy day that my body wants to shut down on, but I am going to walk one step at a time and try and get through it because I know all of you are doing the same and that gives me strength..